This post is 100% mush free. Absolutely NO mention of you-know-who. So no barfing, ok? Ok.
I forgot to share this really random dream with y'all.
The other night, I dreamt that I got a third dog -- a black cocker spaniel. Which is weird, because I don't want a third dog and I don't like cocker spaniels. But anyway, it was running away from me along the side of a busy road, and I got into my minivan (LOL! Why am I driving a minivan???) to chase it down.
So I am chasing down my dog, and I'm using my car to do so. Very strange.
Some random lady, also in a minivan, but going the opposite direction, pulls over and catches my dog for me. She motions for me to follow her. She leads me to an elementary school. But it's not just any elementary school. It's an animal shelter/elementary school.
Hold on, it gets weirder.
I go out back, where there is a very large, fenced-in grassy yard. It's full of stray dogs. I go in and start playing with the stray dogs. They are all cute and wonderful. Apparently, this is when I forget all about my cocker spaniel, because the next thing I know, I'm running to the desk (where you go to adopt a dog) with two Boston Terrier puppies--one under each arm--and as I'm running, I'm shouting, "WOW!!! I can't believe they're only $1.99!!!!"
What a wack job I am! 4 Boston Terriers, two of whom are puppies??? My subconscious has lost its mind. Although, they are pretty cute when they're puppies......
But I could never have 3 or more dogs in my tiny little house. It's already hard to keep it clean from all the dog hair.
In other news, I had a crazy thing happen to me this morning. Anyone reading this who has lost someone very close to them will probably be able to relate. I was making my coffee this morning when I had a HUGE wave of grief hit me, and suddenly, I missed my dad terribly.
So there I was, making coffee, and sobbing, for (seemingly) no reason at all! It came out of nowhere! It honestly feels just like getting smacked on the back from a big wave when you're standing in water up to your waist in the ocean. It feels JUST like that.
If you can't relate, all I can tell you is that sometimes, without any warning, these moments will hit you where you remember (not like you ever forgot, but it's just not always in the front of your mind) that you can't just call them on the phone and hear their voice. That it's probably going to be a very VERY long time until you ever talk to them again. You won't get hugs from them, you won't get that reassuring pat on the hand that tells you everything is going to be ok. All you have are memories. Which is tough when you miss someone and just want to hear their voice. Right now, even just hearing his voice would be all I need. I would not even need to see him in person. I wish I hadn't taken all those phone calls home for granted.
Sometimes, it just really gets to me that my dad has never seen my house, has no idea how successful I've been in my career, will never attend my wedding, will never meet my kids, will never meet any of his in-laws....and I get really sad.
It's not that I walk around in a daydream all the time, forgetting that my dad is gone. It's just that I don't really stop to think about it all very much. I know that if I do, I will just get upset and start to cry. So I don't think about it a lot. But unfortunately, that's now how grief works. You can't pick and choose when you get to think about people who are gone. You can repress all you want, but eventually, the grief has to get out, kind of like a boiler that is going to blow if you don't let out some of the steam pressure that has been building up.
I think this morning, I just had to let it out. I'm ok now. I don't know what made me think about him suddenly this morning. Maybe I had another dream about him, and I just forgot it when I woke up. Have I blogged about all the weird dreams I've had about my dad since he died? They are pretty weird. I will tell them, unless I already have. Someone remind me.
Ok, now I'm crying at work! Gotta stop!!!! I'm ok, I promise. This is normal. Once you experience grief, it just sort of becomes like a tattoo, a new haircut or a piercing. It's always there, it becomes part of who you are, and you aren't always aware of it. At first, you are very very aware of it and it's all you can talk/think about. But then, you only think about it in certain instances. Eventually, it just seems everyday to you, and you aren't emotional or reactive to it any more. I guess that unless you've experienced it, it's hard to explain.
Sorry about the sad post today, guys. Guess I can't be funny all the time. I'll try to be more upbeat tomorrow, I promise! Today was just weird for some reason.