Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Out of the Blue

This post is 100% mush free. Absolutely NO mention of you-know-who. So no barfing, ok? Ok.

I forgot to share this really random dream with y'all.

The other night, I dreamt that I got a third dog -- a black cocker spaniel. Which is weird, because I don't want a third dog and I don't like cocker spaniels. But anyway, it was running away from me along the side of a busy road, and I got into my minivan (LOL! Why am I driving a minivan???) to chase it down.

So I am chasing down my dog, and I'm using my car to do so. Very strange.

Some random lady, also in a minivan, but going the opposite direction, pulls over and catches my dog for me. She motions for me to follow her. She leads me to an elementary school. But it's not just any elementary school. It's an animal shelter/elementary school.

Hold on, it gets weirder.

I go out back, where there is a very large, fenced-in grassy yard. It's full of stray dogs. I go in and start playing with the stray dogs. They are all cute and wonderful. Apparently, this is when I forget all about my cocker spaniel, because the next thing I know, I'm running to the desk (where you go to adopt a dog) with two Boston Terrier puppies--one under each arm--and as I'm running, I'm shouting, "WOW!!! I can't believe they're only $1.99!!!!"

What a wack job I am! 4 Boston Terriers, two of whom are puppies??? My subconscious has lost its mind. Although, they are pretty cute when they're puppies......

But I could never have 3 or more dogs in my tiny little house. It's already hard to keep it clean from all the dog hair.

In other news, I had a crazy thing happen to me this morning. Anyone reading this who has lost someone very close to them will probably be able to relate. I was making my coffee this morning when I had a HUGE wave of grief hit me, and suddenly, I missed my dad terribly.

So there I was, making coffee, and sobbing, for (seemingly) no reason at all! It came out of nowhere! It honestly feels just like getting smacked on the back from a big wave when you're standing in water up to your waist in the ocean. It feels JUST like that.

If you can't relate, all I can tell you is that sometimes, without any warning, these moments will hit you where you remember (not like you ever forgot, but it's just not always in the front of your mind) that you can't just call them on the phone and hear their voice. That it's probably going to be a very VERY long time until you ever talk to them again. You won't get hugs from them, you won't get that reassuring pat on the hand that tells you everything is going to be ok. All you have are memories. Which is tough when you miss someone and just want to hear their voice. Right now, even just hearing his voice would be all I need. I would not even need to see him in person. I wish I hadn't taken all those phone calls home for granted.

Sometimes, it just really gets to me that my dad has never seen my house, has no idea how successful I've been in my career, will never attend my wedding, will never meet my kids, will never meet any of his in-laws....and I get really sad.

It's not that I walk around in a daydream all the time, forgetting that my dad is gone. It's just that I don't really stop to think about it all very much. I know that if I do, I will just get upset and start to cry. So I don't think about it a lot. But unfortunately, that's now how grief works. You can't pick and choose when you get to think about people who are gone. You can repress all you want, but eventually, the grief has to get out, kind of like a boiler that is going to blow if you don't let out some of the steam pressure that has been building up.

I think this morning, I just had to let it out. I'm ok now. I don't know what made me think about him suddenly this morning. Maybe I had another dream about him, and I just forgot it when I woke up. Have I blogged about all the weird dreams I've had about my dad since he died? They are pretty weird. I will tell them, unless I already have. Someone remind me.

Ok, now I'm crying at work! Gotta stop!!!! I'm ok, I promise. This is normal. Once you experience grief, it just sort of becomes like a tattoo, a new haircut or a piercing. It's always there, it becomes part of who you are, and you aren't always aware of it. At first, you are very very aware of it and it's all you can talk/think about. But then, you only think about it in certain instances. Eventually, it just seems everyday to you, and you aren't emotional or reactive to it any more. I guess that unless you've experienced it, it's hard to explain.

Sorry about the sad post today, guys. Guess I can't be funny all the time. I'll try to be more upbeat tomorrow, I promise! Today was just weird for some reason.


Meghan (The Declaration of MY Independence) said...

First off - about the dream...are you taking Nyquil again? haha.

Now on a more serious note....

I can totally relate to what your talking about. Its funny (this most be why we're long lost sisters) b/c just the other night I got a pillow case out of my linen closet and put it on my pillow. As soon as put my head on the pillow, I noticed that it still smelled like my gramma. I started to sob uncontrolably in bed and Alex was like, "Holy crap! Is everything OK?" haha. I started to think the same things you did. That she will not be at my wedding, that she wont get to meet her great grandkids, that I will never hear her voice again (or as you said for a long, long time). OK, now I'm starting to cry too....hahaha. Thanks for reminding me that we all go through this though. It couldn't have come at a better time.

Love ya!

Virginia Belle said...

AAAACK! no crying! no crying! we have to stoppit. it's sad, but it's just part of life. *sniff!*

let's hug it out, bitch!


sassafras said...

Ha ha! VB, did you intend that to be a line from the Office? Hug it out, bitch! is awesome.

I think it's good that we have those moments that hit us like a ton of bricks. It makes me remember them and although I'm sad they aren't here, it still makes me think of the good things too which makes me smile.

The K Life said...

i know what you mean. I have a cat and a dog, and yet somehow I found myself browsing the pets section of craigslist EVERY SINGE DAY. AND! I applied to adopt a special needs pug. I'm an idiot. lol

Smug said...

I lost my cousin a few years ago, he took his own life. We were close, but not close like you would be with a parent. I still find myself crying sometimes and can't figure out why. A song, or a smell or especially at family events. It is so odd how it can sneak up on you when you are doing something totally unrelated.

I just got side tracked by K adopting a pig - not only a pig, but a special needs pig! I never knew that pigs had special needs! I want one!!

Smug said...

After posting I read it again - Pug not pig - blonde moment! I still want a special needs pig though!

RWA said...

I think that dream about the puppies is your subconscious expressing a desire to have kids with CN.


On the other, I know exactly what you are talking about. I have had moments like that as well. You just have to get through them.

I have always looked at it this way. I would rather have moments like that from time to time than not have any feelings or - Heaven forbid - actually forget about the person in question.

Coco said...

I thought that was such a beautiful analogy-grief being like a tattoo . . .at first you can't stop looking at it, and then eventually you sort of go along and forget about it, until you catch a glimpse of it one day and it's like it's all new again. Totally how grief is . . .and I think that's ok. I think it reminds us how much we love and miss that person-that even though life goes on, and maybe it SEEMS like we're "over it", we never really are.

The dream was hilarious. But, not as hilarious as a special needs pig. Oh how I wish you had one of those . . .

The K Life said...

how cool would a special needs pig be??!!

no lie, I actually saw an ad on craigslist (my sick, sad addiction) for a potbellied pig yesterday. *snort snort!*

Phantom Hater said...

Yeah, I agree with rwa. You're in "need to have kids asap" mode. CN, back out now while you still have a chance!

As for the puppies in the dream--Don't be an Ellen--don't adopt a pet if you can't take care of it! lol

As far as the rest of your post--no one is funny all the time. Actually, a lot of famous comedians have a history of depression and anxiety. It's weird how what you think is long-buried emotion has a tendency to sneak up on you. As for your dad not seeing how successful you are, or how you're doing--just because someone has died doesn't mean they have left you. At least, that's what I believe.

Virginia Belle said...

sassafrass-- is that where it comes from??? i didn't realize it! i like that show, but have only seen it a few times. and yes, those sad moments are always bittersweet.

k life -- just thinking about little cute BTs makes me want to foster for a BT Rescue. but i know i'm probably not the best person to do that...so i restrain myself. OH but just the THOUGHT of having THREE BTs!!!!! OOHH!!

smug-- i'm sorry to hear about your cousin. i won't begin to say i understand what that must be like. sometimes, i think losing my brother and my dad in the same (calendar) year is like, the WORST thing ever, but someone always has a worse story than i do. you're never alone, and your story is never the saddest.

as far as special needs pigs are concerned, i'm sure they exist. maybe they can't "oink" or their tails are just straight instead of curly???

rwa-- kids, huh? well, that still doesn't make sense. kids cost hella more than $1.99!! LOL

besides, my desire to have children (not necessarily with CN) is not subconscious. true to the girly girl stereotype, i already have all the names picked out.

and you are right about sad feelings being better than no feelings. very true.

coco-- um, yeah, i don't know how i feel about bringing tattoos into something as serious as grief, but at that moment, it made sense to me....and yes, a special needs pig would definitely be entertaining. or at least a conversation piece!

k life -- OMG....you really are addicted!

PH-- aside from that absurd attempt at armchair psychology, which i will ignore for now, that was a very nice comment, PH. thank you. i also feel that maybe sometimes, he can see me. or he just knows what i'm up to. maybe there's a newspaper in heaven??? :)

Becky said...

i can totally relate to the dad thing...my dad passed away this past summer...its only been a few mos and i had no idea i'd miss him the way i do. it totally sucks and youre right---it hits you at all the wrong times and outta nowhere. i'm right with you babe.

Meghan (The Declaration of MY Independence) said...

Hater - don't they always say that great comedy comes from great tragedy?

VB - What are the names you have picked out?!?!? I love knowing this stuff!!!

Virginia Belle said...

becky, it is so good to know i have someone who knows pretty much what i'm dealing with! we will have to send each other virtual hugs when we are sad! :)

meghan -- ummm, urrrr.....i don't want to jinx it, really. i have this irrational fear that if i speak the names aloud, i will never have any children. maybe i'll post it one day. but for now, that question, to me, is like trying on someone else's engagement ring! bad bad luck!!!!

teahouse said...

Hey, I'm sorry to hear that that happened. It is always a healthy thing to emote, though.

I had something similar to that happen last week, except it was just missing my parents (they live all the way on the other side of the globe, in Asia). And I was at work and just started bawling!!

Of course it's nothing like losing a parent to death, but I just wanted you to know that I can understand that random sadness, too. I hope you feel better.