Monday, November 05, 2007

Miss Goldilocks

So much for posting every day this month. Totally forgot to post this weekend. Oops. Not like my weekend was ultra-exciting. Although, it had its moments, as you will see.

Friday night I did this. In heels. Not one of my better ideas, considering we ended up walking about a mile. By the end, I was a whiny, hobbling, pathetic fashion victim. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. You would think that since I did the tour a couple of years ago, I would remember how much walking was involved. But alas, that is giving me too much credit. Anyway, if they have a ghost tour where you are, (and according to Google, they are everywhere) I highly recommend going on one. It's full of history and urban legends. Very fun and different way to spend a couple of hours.

Then CN and I ate dinner here. I highly recommend the White Pizza. Mmmm...the cool thing is, they use whole wheat flour and low-fat cheese, so the pizzas aren't as bad for you. And you'd never know it! It's delicious!

Saturday, we had breakfast at Cracker Barrel, which was so exciting because they have hashbrown casserole AND blueberry pancakes (my all-time favorite breakfast food). If you live on the West Coast, I don't think you have Cracker Barrels, but that's ok. It's worth driving for. Man oh man, do they have good food!!! Plus, they have a cool store you can browse in while you wait for a table.

Then we ran errands and went to the mall. I made us some dinner, and then we watched the USC-Arkansas game. (And no, I don't want to talk about it. It stings.)

Titillating thus far, huh? I know you are all on the edge of your seats right now, so I will chug ahead to Sunday. :P

That afternoon, I went to Wal-Mart, and I saw a veeeeeeeerrrry interesting lady. At least, I think it was a lady. Picture in your mind: Tammy Faye Baker and a transvestite had a love child. Only the love child is in her late 60s. With frizzy platinum hair. And wearing the following outfit:

gold sequin newsboy cap
sparkly gold sweater
large gold hoop earrings
gold necklaces weighing about 10 pounds -- the woman had on the Mr. T starter kit, I swear!
6 or 7 (you guessed it) gold rings
gold satin sash tied around her waist as a belt
gold cigarette pants, stopping just shy of her ankles
(surprise, surprise) gold satin pumps
18 pounds of makeup, complete with fuchsia lipstick

Normally, I am able to control myself when faced with such odd people. But this lady was something else. I couldn't help but stare. Which is apparently what she wanted from everyone.

"Holy shit!" I mumbled to myself as I walked past her.

The Wal-Mart worker nearby giggled. Oops. Me and my big mouth. Too loud!

Then, I had a 2nd scare. You see, Miss Goldilocks wasn't pushing her own cart. Oh no. She doesn't "do" that. It might mess up her (presumably) gold-painted acrylic nails. She had a young girl with her to push the cart.

"Come along, Millie, push the cart over here!" is what I believe she said to the little girl. I looked over to see a beautiful little girl pushing the cart of Miss Goldilocks. She looked like she had just left ballerina class. Aw.

Now this poor thing, I assume it was her granddaughter -- or great-granddaughter, there's no telling what all that makeup is preserving -- was, at about age 11, already exhibiting traits of a future Miss Goldilocks. Her hair was pale blond, put up into an elegant bun, and her eyebrows were perfectly plucked.

I wanted to grab her and shake her and yell, "Good God! What is she doing to you??!? Don't you know little girls don't pluck their eyebrows?!!! Now, hurry! Run! Get out of here and away from her as fast as you can!! I'll cover for you! GO!!!"

But unfortunately for the little girl, I am neither that impulsive nor interfering. I shook my head and continued on with my shopping. And smiled to myself when I noticed aaaaaaall the other shoppers staring at this crazy woman, too.

I only have two regrets, really, about this whole encounter.

1. I didn't take any pictures -- it SUCKS when you see things like this and you are alone, huh?
2. I didn't look in her cart to see what she was buying. But I bet there was a big ol' vat of cold cream in there!

I wanted to take a picture so badly, but we were in such close proximity, I would have exposed myself. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. But MAN, that was such a blog-worthy moment!

I can't wait to go to Wal-Mart next Sunday. I wonder who will be there this time!!


teahouse said...

Hey, I love Cracker Barrel. I went there a lot as a kid. I loved sitting in the rocking chairs in front of the restaurant, and ordering chicken and dumplings.

And hey, nice new look!

cmk said...

I ALWAYS want to take pictures of things like the Golden Woman, but am always too afraid the person will come up and bitch-slap me for it. I'm such a chickensh*t! :)

Smug said...

Wal-Mart is one of the best places to watch for crazy people. I actually think that "Wal-Mart" means "come in and be warm, all you nut jobs" in redneck.

Wal-Mart also is a great place to go when you are feeling like ditching your diet and making a triple chocolate cake and eating it all by yourself. When you look at all the other shoppers - Apples start to look like a much better option! All you can eat places are good for this too!

Jen said...

The blueberry pancakes from Cracker Barrel ROCK! I had some last Friday night, as a matter of fact. My husband always laughs at me, b/c I never even get a menu anymore. I already know what I want when I get there. :)

And Mellow Mushroom is good. We eat there alot when we go to Atlanta. The food is good, and the decor is interesting, as well (usually).

Seeing that picture of Tammy Faye Bakker, or hearing the mere mention of her name, just bums me out. My husband is friends with her son Jay, and it really stinks how much her family went through when she was sick and then died. Okay...change of subject.

Your description of Miss Goldilocks is priceless. I can almost picture this lady walking around in Wal-Mart with that poor, innocent little girl pushing the cart for her. So sad. A picture would've been great though, but I don't blame you for not trying to get one. I'm sure the lady would've loved to make a scene if she found out you were trying to take a picture of her. She seems like she's starving for attention.

Becky said...

lol walmart is never good for anything except finding interesting people to take pics of OR blog about LOL.

Phantom Hater said...

ALWAYS bring your camera, especially since you can get a digital one that easily fits in a pocket. Oh wait, I forgot, you still have your 1987 model film camera. Get a digital camera. Transvestite Tammy Faye/Mr. T. creatures are like Bigfoot--you only see them once, and if you don't have your camera ready, you miss out.

"walmart is never good for anything except [blah, blah, meaningless Wal-mart slander]..."

It's funny how the Wal-mart haters always seem to be at Wal-mart for apparently no reason.

Be sure to check out's Free Samples section and Rollbacks today!

Campbell's Chunky Soups are only $1.58 for a limited time!

"Walmart--It's not just for crackwhores and rednecks anymore!" (TM)

RWA said...

Two of my all-time favorites - Mellow Mushroom and Cracker Barrel. You should try the Chicken Cordon Bleu pizza next time at Mellow Mushroom.

And Cracker Barrel? Mmmmmm mmmmmmm. That's good eatin' right there.

Sorry you didn't have your camera at Wal-Mart.

Fluffycat said...

That sounds so hilarious.... I can totally picture that woman. You can just pretend you are taking a photo of something else, and she just happens to be standing in front of it.

lenfercestlesautres said...

I'm 23 and I still don't have perfectly plucked eyebrows. Hurumph. ;)

Stuck said...

Of course you don't, len. We know all you European girls don't prune your body hair. ;)

Phantom Hater said...

Cracker Barrel does kick ass. We always used to stop there on family vacations. They make a mean country-fried steak.