Monday, June 09, 2008

Faux Pas Over Faux Pearls

I was working at Dildo's the other night. So far, so good. I'm still getting used to my crammed schedule, but my coworkers are nice and the work is pretty fun. Until I can "prove" myself as a salesgirl, I am currently working in the accessories department, awaiting permission to move over to the Clinique counter.

Nevermind that I already have 2 1/2 years of Clinique experience, working at the Dildo's across town. There's some new rule for everyone -- you have to go to a "regular" area and play Good Little Employee before you can go to a "specialized" area. Whatever. So for the time being, I help women shop for purses, jewelry, scarves, wallets, watches, sunglasses and hats.

Which isn't half bad, considering I love to shop for those things. So I get to shop vicariously through these women -- which is great for my bank account. I get all the fun of shopping and none of the buyer's remorse. It might not be the end of the world if they never move me to cosmetics, actually.

The other night, I was helping an older lady find a necklace to match her shirt. After some searching, we found the perfect one. I was ringing her up and chatting with her, when she said,

"Can I ask, are you expecting?"

She put this weird emphasis on "expecting". Almost like she was saying, "Why the hell aren't you announcing this to the world? Why are you hiding this fact, you modest young thing? Don't you know this is the greatest thing that could ever possibly happen to you in your entire life? You should be shouting it from the hilltops, like Maria Von Trapp."

Needless to say, I was stunned speechless. For once. You could almost hear the needle on the record player being ripped off. I froze.

This is not happening. I am not being mistaken for a pregnant woman. I am not that fat.

I am not.

I am not.

I am not.

FUCK. Am I?

*several blinks on my behalf*

*several blinks on her behalf*

We sat there, blinking at each other, while she grimaced and awkwardly gathered up her things to leave, and I smoothed my shirt down, subconsciously ensuring that no pillow had magically appeared under my top. What. The. Fuck.

Well, of course, you know what happened next: The Voices all woke up and turned their heads in unison to look at this old lady. And then, they all had to get their two cents in.

"Oh, no she di-dant!!!" yelled Bitch Mode, complete with index-finger-waving hand gestures.

"You should ask her if she's senile! That'll shut her up!" said Sarcastic.

"Well, I've been telling you for months that you have to do something about this weight you've been putting on. What do you expect?" sniped Inner Mom Voice.

"Oh my gawd!! You're a COW!!!" shrieks Hormonal. She runs away to sob into her hands. Hormonal is such a drama queen.

"Well, the way you an CN have been acting lately, who knows? Maybe you are!" giggles Pervert.

Horny is in stitches. The two of them make randy hand gestures and proceed to take turns cracking each other up with their obscene double entendres. The peanut gallery is in full swing. Great.

I roll my eyes.

"You really picked out a great necklace for her. Very stylish. I think The Czarina would like it, too. Let's go see if there's another one," observed Space Cadet, who proceeded to wander off.

Good Point chimed in: "Dude, everyone and their mother knows that is something you NEVER ask, unless you are 200% positive the woman is pregnant. And THIS is why that rule exists! She just made a HUGE social faux pas!!"

"Hmmm...I wonder if there are earrings that match....." mused Space Cadet. "You could make a set...."

"What was that??? Pregnant? Who said that? Who said the 'P' word? OMG! We have to get to a drugstore NOW, people!!" said Panic, heartbeat racing.

Good Point calmed Panic down and then added, "Look, I bet she feels worse than you do, running all over town with a big, fat mouth like that. Assuming things about people. She has her foot in her mouth right now. She was embarrassed, you know you could tell."

"But baby-doll tops are IN right now!!!" protested Single Girl.

"Yeah! There's nothing wrong with ruffles and empire waist tops! They're feminine!" agreed Prisspot.

"Yeah, but in the past, tops like that have been reserved strictly for expectant mothers," explained Overly Analytical. "There's a generational gap at play, here. Your fashion taste, while good, is confusing to the elderly."

"Well, if that's the case, there should be Public Service Announcements about this issue," Nerd said. "The public needs to be aware. Maybe we could call our Congressmen..."

"Maybe she just thought you would be a really good mom, and she was hoping you were!" Stupidly Optimistic gushed. "Or maybe she had you confused with the other lady in this department who IS pregnant!"

Sarcastic and Cynical gave her a look. She shut up.

"Oh, this is just great. For the last three months, ever since you started buying those tops, you have been running around town, causing people to think 'Aw, she's having a baby! Isn't that wonderful?' I mean, who knows how many people have thinking that!" lectured Pessimistically Paranoid, pacing in a circle.

Oh Jeez. What if the next time someone made this mistake, they do it in front of CN??? Oh, the mortification!!! I pondered the thought of chucking all my new tops in the trash, as soon as I got home that night. Cheapskate vetoed this idea. Single Girl backed her up, as did Prisspot. Damn. What am I going to do about these shirts? Buy a bunch of belts??

I was jolted out of my thoughts by Pessimistically Paranoid's ranting.

"I mean, if you look pregnant now, what are you going to look like when you really ARE pregnant?" she lamented.

"Babies are nice..." Space Cadet said to herself absentmindedly, as she looked at a rack of earrings.

Bitch Mode and Hormonal were whispering to each other and picking up the phone.

"Hey, what are you doing?" asked Pessimistically Paranoid.

"Duh. We're calling security to tell them that there's an old lady who just stole a necklace here in the store," they replied, snickering.

Cynical snorted. "That'll teach her!" she laughed.

Luckily, Bitch Mode and Hormonal were stopped from carrying out their plan by Logical. Sometimes, I think she's the only adult Voice.

Confident was no where to be found. I learned later that she was busy, lobbying for more gym time and fresh veggies in the fridge. And for once, I think most of the Voices listened to her. Even Hormonal, who tried really hard to cry on the way home, but just couldn't. Fashion choices aside, perhaps this was a wake-up call.

"Gah, you are now officially fat enough to be confused with a pregnant woman!!" cried Hormonal.

"Or maybe it's just because you have huge tits, just like most pregnant women do!" said Pervert.

"Or maybe she's just a rude, ignorant old bag," chimed Good Point.

Good point, indeed. Pass the brownies, will ya?

14 comments:

Alison said...

Rest assured, girl, it is just the tops. I feel pregnant when I wear the empire waist shirts too and always wonder if people think I'm actually pregnant.

Coco said...

My logic is: if they think I'm pregnant, at least they're not thinking "gawd, she's fat!", so I would probably just say "yes, actually!" :)

Coco said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Becky said...

omg someone did that to me one time...SO upsetting. it sucks! i loved this post though

Becky said...

omg someone did that to me one time...SO upsetting. it sucks! i loved this post though

Becky said...

omg someone did that to me one time...SO upsetting. it sucks! i loved this post though

kimmykins13 said...

About this time last year I had to go to a local business function that was held outdoors with both food and business vendors set up and all you could drink beer. My Boss gets tickets to this event every year and we always take our top agents. I don't drink beer - period. I just really hate it. One of the agents' husband saw me drinking coke and asked my colleague if I was pregnant because I was not drinking. My colleague told him that No, I was not pregnant but that I just didn't like to drink beer. Another agent overheard the beginning portion of this conversation but not the latter. Later on she approached me and asked me when my baby was due? WTF (??) I looked at her like you probably looked at that customer (absolutely mortified)then told her that I was indeed not pregnant - Did I look pregnant? She laughed and said NO, and was thinking how little I showed but that she had overhead my colleague talking with Mr. Pratt and thought that I was. At this point the colleague became privy to the conversation and filled us in on the course of it. We all had a good laugh but I was really self conscious there for a few minutes.

Phantom Hater said...

The proper response would have been "Yeah, I am. Your husband is the father. He's pretty randy for an old guy, as I'm sure you know." If he died recently, so much the better.

That sucks.

Several people at work have been asking if one of my staff is pregnant and why she hadn't said anything yet. They actually want me to ASK her because they don't want to do it. I don't even pay attention to things like that, so I wouldn't know a woman was pregnant unless the kid fell out on the floor.

I don't understand why complete strangers feel the need to get up in your business.

Fluffycat said...

As Dilbert said, "don't ask a woman if she is pregnant unless you can see the baby coming out of her body."

Seriously though, that sucks, but if you think about it, this old bat probably has NO idea how anything is. You should have said, "I sure hope not since my pimp will slap me around if I need to get another abortion this year."

teahouse said...

Awww..I'm sure it was just the top. I've seen photos of you and you could DEFINITELY not be mistaken as preggers!

This happened to my sister last month, and she was really freaked out. But she is also very thin, and people are just dumb..they don't know anything!!

LK said...

Dude, it was the baby doll top. You do not look pregnant! Why the hell do complete strangers feel the need to get so involved in your personal life? Ugh. They need to get a life.
I repeat - YOU DO NOT LOOK PREGNANT!

RWA said...

So...back to the part about how what you and CN have been doing lately might have actually ended up in...


:)

Sam said...

WTF??!! I have no idea what to say in that situation. Maybe, "Why yes, I am expecting that you are the biggest fucking idiot to ever shop at Dildo's." or "I am expecting to smack your ass any second if you don't move away."

Meghan (The Declaration of MY Independence) said...

I agree with everyone else, it was just the top. Like you said in your post, empire waists are what preggo girls wear, and granny was apparently living in the past.

Old people annoy me to no end with their diarrhea of the mouth. They seriously do not have any filter on them. I cant wait to get old so I can say whatever the feck I want too.