Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Ring in the New Year?

Update: CN's job transfer to Savannah isn't finalized, but his boss said it looks "promising", whatever that means. He and I did some number crunching, and it really just makes so much financial sense for us to go ahead and shack up, dammit. We both have mortgages and we may not get renters for a few months. There's no way I could afford rent AND a mortgage on my own. (I am not getting that big of a raise!) Besides, we all know how bad I am with money. *ahem* So I am going to have to suck it up and hope that CN will eventually buy the cow, instead of only enjoying the free milk, if you get my drift.

And I am not 100% comfortable with it. I know what you are saying/thinking: "I did it with my man, and now we're married! Don't worry!" or "It's no big deal. He loves you. You will totally get married, so just chill and go with the flow." or "You never really know someone until you live with them. This will give you insight into your marriage!" or "Marriage, schmarriage! You need the 2nd income! Be glad you're on such good terms with your future roommate!"

Which are all valid comments. But I worry. What if one year of living together turns into three...five...eight...and I turn into Little Miss Where Is My Ring??? I don't want to be that girl. With the bitching and the nagging and the ultimatums. But I will eventually get there, I know it. I already have days where I want to scream at him, "What are you waiting for???!!!!" And I always joke that I am free on Saturday afternoon if he wants to run down to the courthouse.

Also, what if we break up? (Ok, at this point, it's extremely unlikely-- laughable, actually -- but still. It could happen!) Then I am stuck with a 12-month lease on my own. Ouch.

My point is, I want some security. Preferrably in the form of a large gemstone on that all-important finger. I want him to put his money where his mouth is. I have been trying to stay calm and trust that he will do it one day like he says he will. I have made him promise that it will be before my ovaries shrivel and before my boobs are down to my knees. But that's about as much as I have said. Deep down inside, I am scared of being left high and dry or turning into a shrill bitch.

And living with a man is something I always imagined doing after I got married. I guess I'm just old-fashioned. CN thinks shacking up is a no-brainer and he's not getting why I'm freaking out about it. I tell him it's because he doesn't have a uterus. Which puts a puzzled expression on his face.

When CN asked me a few weeks ago, "Could we live together if we got engaged? Or does it have to be marriage?" I didn't really know what to say. I hadn't thought about that option. But that's a decent amount of commitment. I know, in the logical part of my brain, that he's not going anywhere. He's in it for the long haul. But that lobe in my brain, the one in charge of "What if?", is buzzing with paranoia, and I can't shut it up. Triggered by his question, that worrysome lobe began quivering, and I almost blurted out, "No! Marry me, you commitment-phobe! What the hell?! We are perfect together! Stop stalling!"

But then I remembered: moving to Savannah was my idea. Not his. And he's totally down for going, no questions asked. Moving farther away from his family. Selling or renting his house. All the personal, financial and material upheaval that comes with living in a new place. He's down for it. Because he knows it's what I want and that it will make me happy. (It will make him happy, too, don't get me wrong -- he wanted to move there, too. In like 3 years. Not 3 months. LOL)

So I said, "Yes. We can live together if we are engaged."

And then I let it drop. I didn't push it anymore. In fact, with all the talking about moving, I kind of put it in the back of my head and decided that I would worry about that later. If we got engaged first, great, if not, oh well. In other words, I was totally caving on the issue. (Shhh! Don't tell him that.)

So imagine my surprise when last night, as I was cleaning up after our dinner of bean and cheese quesadillas. CN grabbed my hands and said, "Are you ok with living with me?"

And again, I didn't really know what to say. I was....mostly. I said, "Well, I mean, yeah. But it's not really the way I had planned it. But I don't see how else I can afford it. It just doesn't make sense for us to both move there and not live together."

"Would you feel better about it if I got you a ring?" he asked.

Well, duh.

"YES!" I shouted.

"Ok, well, we can go ring shopping. Email me some photos of what you like tomorrow when you get to work." [Note: At last count, I emailed 8.]

"Can we do that this weekend?" I asked, jumping up and down.

"I thought we were going to drive down to Savannah and look at apartments," he replied.

I reminded him that we don't even know what our budget is yet, and that we might as well just stay here and go ring shopping. He agreed.

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


columbiacitygirl said...

I wish you could have heard my WOO HOO when I read this. I am so happy for you! For both of you!

Alison said...

Yes!!!!!! :) Can we see ring pics too? :)

(M)ary said...

eh. i am not going to say "don't worry, he will marry you"...i am going to say "don't worry about getting married, just live your life! do what you need to do for yourself." ooorrrr on the flip side if marriage is really, really important to you, then "play the game" and don't live with him first. (somehow i doubt that is who you are! i think you are a modern chickie and you will get married someday without having to 'play the game')

Kari said...


cmk said...

Can't wait to see pics of the ring--very happy for you.

I have to say, though, please don't ever apologize for being 'old-fashioned.' I really wish there were a lot more people like that--including my own daughters. Oh, well, such is life as an old wife. ;)

sassafras said...

WOO HOO!!!!! I can't wait to hear how it goes =)

Stuck said...

To a girl, engagement is this magical transition of a relationship into REAL commitment. To a guy, it's blowing a shitload of cash on something that's small enough to lose without any effort.

Engagement rings are just too friggin' expensive. Who came up with this tradition? "Let's make them buy us a ring that costs thousands of dollars to show that they promise to spend thousands more dollars on a wedding!" (Not to mention the thousands they'll be spending throughout the marriage, but that's a stereotype...)

I'm about to the point of just getting a fake gemstone for Strutter. I trust her enough to know that she'll never get it appraised, and if she's ever out gettig it appraised, then it's probably because she's about to divorce me and needs to hock it, so I came out ahead on that score, right?

Anyway, congrats on your job, and your "pre-engagement" :)

Megan said...

I am doing the Happy Dance all around my office!

Woo Freakin Hoo I am so happy for you....and CN.

kimmykins13 said...


kimmykins13 said...

OK, now that I've gotten that over with..... I'm emailing you with questions that I don't want to ask you on Facebook, Myspace or your Blog.... And I expect an email back Missy (or should I say - soon to be Mrs.)!!!! (Whenever you get the chance of course) I know you are busy - Hee Hee!!!

Christina said...

YAAAAAAAYYY!!!! That is so exciting! I'm so excited for you both! And I'm asking with Alison, can we see ring pics too? :)

teahouse said...

How exciting!

Your feelings are ALL justified. I refused to live with the Husband before we got married. I told him it was just one of those things I felt really strongly about.

In the end, we got engaged and then he found a renter for his apt, so he moved in a month before the wedding. It worked out fine. Everyone is different, and I'm glad you told him how you felt. That's a good habit that will strengthen your marriage as well!

Meghan (The Declaration of MY Independence) said...


And thats all I have to say about that. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep me updated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!