Saturday, January 15, 2011

Forks in the Road

Lately, everywhere I turn, I am faced with choices. Not just chocolate-or-vanilla choices. These are big, life-changing choices. I pride myself on being a decisive person (sometimes, too decisive...), but this sudden deluge is making me ponder my life on a grand scale.

My previous supervisor quit last September, which totally stunk. We all miss him. His position is still vacant, and I am qualified for it. He has been encouraging me to apply and has seemed disappointed that I haven't done so. After kicking this idea around for months, I just applied for it. Before doing so, I spoke with Big Boss about it, and she really liked the idea, especially since she was just told there's no money in the budget for her to fly potential candidates in for an interview. She also told me that she is really needing to fill it soon. I told her my concern with applying was that I'd be supervising The Gorilla (my awful, awful coworker). She told me that she had already been thinking about how to restructure the staff so a different person would supervise him -- this is a relief to me, but it means the new girl (who we all adore) would end up supervising him. This makes me feel like an asshole. How can I do that to someone? Big Boss said she had been planning on making this change before I talked to her, but I would still feel like a jerk. Then again, this new girl is probably the only one of us who doesn't have bad blood with him and the personality to handle him.

Big Boss said that if they don't let her actually hire someone (remember, we are still in financial cutbacks here at the moment), she may put me in it temporarily, which is fine -- it's still something I can put on my resume, and I can still ask for some extra money. I'm secretly crossing my fingers that the higher ups will tell her she's got to eliminate some positions, and then we can just get rid of The Gorilla!

Obviously, she cannot guarantee that I'll get it (I know she likes 2 other applicants who have applied), but based on her reaction to my interest (excited and relieved), I feel I stand a good chance. If I do get to cross this bridge, I would like to talk to Big Boss about creating some sort of hybrid thing for me until my position could be filled. I don't want to leave my staff hanging. We can barely function with 3 full time people. What would my staff think? It would mean a LOT more work for them if my position goes vacant, even for a couple of months.

So I am a little conflicted about my decision. I went ahead and did it because this step up the ladder would open up new positions for me for the rest of my career -- after a position like this, I could run any library, more or less. I am getting a little burned out in my current post, too. I'm ready for more responsibility and new duties. And just because I move up here at this school doesn't mean that I can't still look for jobs in Virginia. Might as well make some extra bucks while I'm figuring out how to get out of this town. So, I went for it. We'll see.

Of course, the next day, I found a super-awesome job at a museum in Richmond. I am fairly qualified for it, and I'm going to apply for that, too. I guess when it rains, it pours!

There are also some big choices in my dating life (er, lack thereof!). I don't talk about it much on here, but I am growing more religious as I get older. Maybe it's maturity or life experience, but I have come to find that prayer and attending church has added so much richness to my life. I recently started attending a church I really like, and I've been meeting with a Bible Study group for almost a year now. I absolutely love my Bible Study friends. It is the most supportive and wise group of girls I have ever met.

Last time we met, my Bible Study group talked about dating, sex and marriage -- and how to do these things in a Christian way. Our group is made up of single, dating and married women -- so there are lots of perspectives. One of the things that all the (happily, I might add) married women said was that none of them had sex with their husbands before marriage. Even if they weren't virgins when they met their hubbies, they did not have sex with them until their Honeymoon. Some of them didn't even kiss!!!

This is a completely foreign concept to me. I happily turned my V-card in about 10 years ago, and have never looked back. I don't regret it. I look forward to the next time I get to partake (in case you didn't realize that after reading about NYE Guy!). This is pretty much in direct conflict with how I'm supposed to be living. I haven't figured out how to reconcile "Being a Christian Girl" with "Major Enjoyment of Lotsa Sex with Non-Husbands" yet. But you know, we're all works in progress.

These married friends of mine all said that in addition to strengthening their faith, that this enabled their relationships to strengthen -- for the right reasons. They really got to know each other and their relationships had better priorities. While I totally see this, and can see how removing sex would enable you to really get to know someone better before marriage, I am just not sure if I could actually do it. I mean, I realize that I should probably *ahem* wait longer to jump in the sack with new guys, but the thought of ZERO sex(or even a little messin' around!) makes my face go pale and my stomach queasy. I'm not one of those people who thinks you have to sleep with someone before you marry them -- I'm one of those people who just REALLY likes sex. It's like someone is telling me to enjoy summer...without flipflops, ice cream or the beach. It sorta takes out some of the best parts about having a boyfriend! I guess I don't think it's that big of a deal to get my freak on and enjoy it. I'm sure if I was still a virgin, I'd think differently. But I know what I'd be missing out on.

But this strategy worked for them. Perhaps they are on to something. If I do abstain completely *gulp* with someone I'd really like to get to know, I'm sorry to say it would be for practical/secular reasons, rather than religious. I definitely agree it would force you to get to know that person very well. If I met someone who I could take seriously, I will try to wait as long as possible. But what about those guys you don't want to marry? I meet them a lot. Can't I have some fun?

And maybe it's just a coincidence that these girls didn't do it with their now-hubbies, which resulted in a marriage proposal. There are tons of couples out there who are happily married and boinked plenty of times before walking down the aisle. Right? I mean, looking back on it, all the sex (and it was good!) didn't stop me and Ex-Fiancee from getting to know each other/deciding if we were a good fit outside of the bedroom. The good sex didn't save our relationship.

I know this is a bridge I can cross when I get to it, but I've been thinking about it a lot. Then again, I think about boinking a lot in general. LOL Maybe it's good that I don't have a boyfriend or dating life right now. I gotta figure out some stuff.


Christina said...

good luck on the job promotion/search, both in savannah and in virginia! how exciting to move to a new city and one as great as richmond! are you moving back to be closer to your family?

as far as the religion topic. that is right up there with politics, its an 'iffy' subject where everyone has their own opinion and their opinion is the right one. just remember that your relationship with God is between only you and Him. no one but God can judge you.

oh, and did you delete your cooking blog. i was going to check that out for some app recs. for superbowl sunday. :P

don said...

Good luck with the job!

If I'd waited to have sex when I got married, I'd never have had any sex. Or I'd have had sex and gotten divorced..

I recently saw some old famous person in an interview, I can't remember who it was, some old guy. One thing he regretted in his life was turning down sex. He said something like, never turn down a chance to have sex.. I think his point was that when you get old you might not get another chance.

So maybe you should enjoy sex while you can and be religious about something else.. :)

Smug said...

If you move back to VA, we will totally have to meet up - I'm in Roanoke and have family in Richmond!

I slept with my husband on the first date - big no no I know, but in all fairness, I was just planning on using him for sex and then it turned serious later.

I think that sex a huge part of a marriage and if its not good, it can be a huge let down and cause other problems in the marriage. Also, if you put it off until that wedding night, that is a whole lot of pressure to put on a guy to perform for you!

Besides, would you buy a car without taking a test drive first? :)

Coco said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Coco said...

Congrats on all the opportunities-that is amazing. If nothing else, it always feels nice to be have people "want you" even if you end up not taking the job or whatever.

I totally know what you're talking about. I was raised in quite a religious environment, christian school, church, conservative family, christian college...and I held onto my V-card until I was 30. Now, I can't really say this was out of strong religious convictions...But at any rate, one day I was just tired of it hanging over my head and got it over with. And discovered I really, Really, REALLY like sex...

I get it. I get what people are talking about...but I don't think there's any magic formula. What works for one person isn't necessarily going to work for another. I just think we all have to think things through and decide what we feel alright about.

I think, however, it is a BIG risk to not have any sort of physicality with someone until your wedding night. I have friends who have given me first hand accounts of horror stories about wedding nights and even totally sex-less marriages that they never would have gotten into if they had at least indulged in some somethin-somethin prior to tying the knot.

Just know you're not alone. :) I'm a hornball too.

teahouse said...

Hey, VB! It's good that you've found a group of ladies to hang out and talk religion with.

I too was raised very religious, and told from a young age that sex before marriage was wrong, wrong, wrong. And like the others who have commented before me, I think it really boils down to a personal choice. No matter what you decide, don't feel guilty! Life is too short for guilt. Or bad sex. Or regrets.

Len said...

I totally agree with Smug. And no, 'boinking' (LOL I love that word!) on the first date does not change anything.

Maybe it's also an American thing - people in the US marry really quickly after meeting each other (with this I mean a couple of years max), even when they are pretty young, so of course they don't have the time to get to know each other that well, and it's true that normally in the first months, there is a lot of 'boinking' going on and it's just about the main thing you do together!

Fluffycat said...

I agree with other commenters, hard to imagine not having sex before marriage. I think that kind of thing made sense before there were birth control options and people got married very young. But I also think that people can make their own choices. You have to do what works for you, and that might not be what works for other people you know.

Virginia Belle said...

Christina -- Yes, not only is Savannah a dead zone as far as dating goes, I am very homesick. I would really like to be closer to my family, plus, I adore Richmond and have always wanted to live there. Yes, I took my cooking blog down -- too laborious to type recipes! I'll see if I can email you a super easy recipe.

Don -- you bring up an EXCELLENT point!!! I think that old man may be on to something.....

Smug -- yes, yes! We will definitely have to meet up! That would be the coolest.

Coco -- Thank you for helping me feel more normal! I think that people, especially girls, who grow up in relatively strict religious homes have a tendency to turn into total hornballs when they grow up. I call it "Preacher's Daughter Syndrome". When you make something such a forbidden fruit, that's what happens!

Teahouse -- you're absolutely right!! life is too short for all that stuff. you gotta find what's right for you. I'll be honest -- I don't know if I can do what my friends did, but they have definitely opened my eyes to the idea of possibly waiting much longer than I usually do.

Len -- I'm sorry, I had a response to your comment, but was distracted by the word "boinking". Mmmmmm.....boinking.....

Fluffycat -- thank you for your comment. It seems we are all in agreement -- gotta do what is best for yourself. :)