The Quiz

No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks. --Michael Bolton, Office Space

Here is a pop quiz about my Stupid Roommate. Let's see how you do. I bet it's better than he would do.

1. A better nickname for him would be...
a) Bigfoot
b) The Big Loser
c) What's That Smell?
d) What's That Noise?
e) all of the above

2. Which of his behaviors is the most disturbing?
a) He apparently never washes his hands. Ever.
b) He puts his feet on the couch and kneads the cushions with his bare, toe-cheese feet.
c) Until moving here, he lived with his mother his whole life. He is 38.
d) His "friend" looks like a cracked-out David Bowie with 4 pound cheek implants .
e) all of the above

3. The most inconsiderate thing Bigfoot does is...
a) uses/eats all of our stuff without asking or buying his own
b) wakes us up every morning with his big stomping feet and 532 decibel voice
c) breaks our stuff with his monster-grip hands
d) cooks everything "stinky-style" and then doesn't air out the house, so the house constantly smells like nasty, greasy food
e) all of the above

4. What makes Bigfoot clueless?
a) Despite our lack of eye contact and verbal acknowledgement of his presence, he doesn't realize we hate his guts.
b) He never leaves the house and then wonders why he isn't meeting any friends here.
c) He loves "Desperate Housewives", yet ironically doesn't realize he IS a desperate housewife.
d) He goes to the gym for 15 minutes per week, comes home to fry something in oil and wash it down with a crueller or two, and then wonders why he can't seem to lose weight.
e) all of the above

5. What has earned Bigfoot the title, "The World's Most Annoying Human"?
a) Every time he enters a room, he sings, "Do-tee-do-tee-do..."
b) He breathes through his mouth. Loudly. Sort of like he's constantly panting.
c) He doesn't clean out the lint filter of the dryer when he is done drying his clothes. Ewww.
d) Everytime you are leaving to go somewhere, he says, "Mind if I tag along?"
e) all of the above

6. Only one of these statements is false. Which one is false?
a) He buys economy-sized groceries, knowing full well that the fridge has to be shared with three other adults. Despite our pleadings, he continues to occupy 3/4ths of the fridge space.
b) His room smells like.....just stench, really. Sort of like stinky socks. Air fresheners are not strong enough. Trust me, I tried.
c) He has been stood up on about 7 dates.
d) He has jokingly offered to let us borrow his anal plug. While we were eating.
e) Actually, these are all true statements.

7. Thanks to Bigfoot, his roommates are no longer at liberty to...
a) walk on the kitchen floor without shoes on (his toe-cheese stinky bare feet on linoleum!)
b) do all of their laundry in one afternoon because he will intersperse your loads with his own.
c) find any of their kitchen utensils because he refuses to put them back where he got them from. Also, if you were to find them, they would probably be dirty because he is always cooking his stinky food. This is because his life revolves around eating.
d) Come home in peace and quiet because he runs out of his room like a puppy when you come home wanting to know how your day went.
e) all of the above

8. Other puzzling behavior includes...
a) He bought a ton of paper plates, yet does not use them.
b) Hacking up a lung every morning in the bathroom. Yes, there is phlegm. No, he doesn't close the door. No, he doesn't smoke. Yes, you can hear it on the other side of the house.
c) He has absolutely no sterotypical gay-guy traits, so he is completely useless to me. :)
d) Constantly wearing sleeveless t-shirts which allow his arm/shoulder/chest/back hair to shine in its full glory.
e) All of the above.

Answer key: If you answered e, you are correct! Good job!

And now for the FAQs portion of our quiz.

Q: So, why don't you just say something to him?

A: Oh, we have. We have asked, implied, left notes, pleaded, used sarcasm, yelled, hidden things from him, eaten HIS food, screamed--everything. He is either lazy or stupid, we can't tell which. The good news is, he will only be here until March. Hopefully.

Q: Why don't you just move out?

A: I could, but I would lose all of my fun money since living alone is expensive. Also, see quote at top. He will hopefully be leaving in March. Hopefully.

Q: How do you not kill this man?

A: I will not deny that I have been tempted to buy duct tape. And large knives. Just kidding. Um, I guess if I killed him, I would have to go to jail and I don't think I can do my blog from there. Also, isn't there some saying about how great writing comes from great suffering? Oh, and prayer. Daily prayer. You think I am kidding.

Q: So, Athletic Girl feels the same way?

A: Mysteriously, her level of annoyance has not reached my peak as of yet. But it's steadily rising, especially in laundry-related issues. I tell her she doesn't want to see him writhe in physical pain, pleading for mercy from ye gods because she is never home, whereas I have had more direct contact hours than she. Plus, she went to Hawaii last month, which I believe just makes life easier in general.

Q: Why don't you just try and stay away from home more?

A: There are only so many places you can go for so long before they kick you out and you have to go home. This explains my gym/shopping frequency.

Q: Can you drown your sorrows somehow? How do you vent?

A: Unfortunately, I do not drink alcohol. Instead, I shoot myself up with smack every morning before leaving my room. Just kidding. I actually pop about 4 valiums. Ok, I don't do that either. Somehow, I don't think it would help. I'd probably just talk about it more if I were drunk/wacked out. Instead, I vent here, make up songs about him, whine to my friends, do impressions of him...stuff like that.

Q: Has his presence impacted your social life?

A: Let's just say I don't throw dinner parties anymore.

Q: Does he know about this blog?

A: No, but that is a great idea! Maybe I should print this and give it to him....Man, I wish I could just be really really mean and do that. Dang!

Q: Anything else to add?

A: He used my computer before he recently got his own. What did I find in my web browser history? Manhunt. There's a site. If you want, check it out. Don't say I didn't warn you.