Thursday, May 18, 2006

Guest Columnist

Greetings, readers! About two weeks ago, Lady Starfish attended a wedding. It was held in a tattoo parlor. Yes, a tattoo parlor. This business establishment is owned by the mother of the bride. I was waiting on pins and needles to hear how this kind of wedding works, because it is just too unbelievable. She emailed me her review of the festivities a few days ago.

With her permission, she has allowed me to relay it to you here, under the following conditions: all identifying details will be removed from the story and I have to promise her that y'all won't think she (or her family, for that matter) is some kind of a redneck for even going to this kind of wedding. Promise? Okay. So no trailer jokes. (No, she doesn't live in a trailer.) Oh, and FYI: J is Lady Starfish's boyfriend.

Her email:

I am going to send you some pictures from the wedding. There is so much to talk about regarding that. It was actually a really sweet wedding and I cried. I don’t know why….it just seemed very personal…….maybe because we were crowded into a tiny tattoo parlor surrounded by people with piercings, mo-hawks and sleeved arms. So we go into the parlor – and this is one of my favorite parts – the guest book is right under all the pictures of the naked ladies people can choose to have tattooed. It was a guest book complete with matching pen. The bride walked out to “She’s my Cherry Pie” by Warrant.” Why? I don’t know. I think it is their song. I just don’t know. The bride was in full garb. The dress was strapless which accentuated her sleeved left shoulder. Luckily she took out her piercings, i.e. lip, nose, etc. Her mom was COVERED in tattoos. I mean covered. The guests were an arrangement of older normal looking family members to young punk likes with those big black earrings, lip and nose rings with funky old clothes. Pretty much everyone looked like they belonged in a Linkin Park video. Another classy moment was after the pictures were taken, the bride had to have a smoke. Nothing says class like a young bride with stringy hair smoking a cigarette in a wedding dress. I wanted a picture of that but I was out of film by then. I did get a picture of her dad getting his long ratty grey hair braided as he sat in a seat right before the wedding – the hair matched his long ratty grey beard that resembled an old ZZ Top member. Did I mention he had ONE tooth? She seemed to really love her dad, so that cancelled out all the weirdness. In the pictures you will get to see what I am looking like these days – chubby with hair I hate – and what J looks like. He dressed in a pastel green shirt and khaki pants. He didn’t go well with the wedding party. So after the wedding we have a reception at my brother’s house. Have you ever felt like you were at a party and no one would notice if you left…….and never came back? That is how we felt.

Let me back track. We didn’t get to leave City X until 10:30 p.m. on Saturday night because J didn’t get off work until then. So we ended up making excellent time to getting to my brother’s town.

Once we get into the town, we get sooooooooooooooooo lost. We stopped at 3 different gas stations. At one we witnessed a four and a half foot girl get into a screaming match with a seven foot guy outside of one the gas stations. They stopped the fight in order to buy beer before the cutoff of three a.m. That was neat and scary. So 40 minutes later we finally figure out how to get to my brother’s. Keep in mind that they are in central time. It was 3:40 a.m. but really 4:40 a.m. to us. We get to my brother’s and everyone is awake. We didn’t call because we thought everyone would be asleep. Oh well. So we don’t get into bed until around 4:30 a.m. their time.

We have to get up the next morning around 10:00– there are 10 people staying in the house including us. Can anyone say “Where do I get ready?” We had our own room, but we all had to take showers, iron, etc. In the midst, no one offered us ANY food or ANYTHING to drink. So J and I each ate one of my mom’s chocolate chip cookies I had brought. So we go to the wedding and the back to the reception. By this time it is like 4:00 p.m. and all they have is finger foods. J and I were STARVING.

In the meantime I saw my niece for the first time in 10 years. She has since had a child (he is eight) and just got married to some guy that she met in November. My family is so redneck it is embarrassing. It was nice to see her and we totally get along, but she is one of these people that are just full of crap. Apparently her ex-boyfriend (who is 14 years older than her – she is 26) held her hostage and raped her and now he is in prison. I was like what? I don’t know. And then, if all of this happened why would you go off and marry a guy only after knowing him for 3 months? Because “you just know it’s right” and “you know in your heart” that “he’s the one.” Right….. So after listening to this long, creepy and odd story – and being tired of saying “Oh wow. You seem like you are doing okay now. And I am so happy you found someone who is treating you good.” - I couldn’t take it.

J and I left and found a McDonalds. We then ate our food in 3.6 seconds and the got an apple pie each and devoured it. So 3 minutes later (including eating and drive time) we just sat there in the restaurant taking up time so that we didn’t have to go back. The house was literally packed to the gills with people I didn’t know. So we drove around and called my parents and I vented to them. So we go back and it had kind of settled down. Keep in mind that my family is - for some reason – not overly friendly. No one really went out of their way to talk to us – except the groom and my crazy niece. So we still felt like outsiders. I am still perplexed how no one was hungry and it was like 5:30 p.m. Who goes all day with out one meal?

Okay so now is where is gets weird. Let me explain my family. My brother married S 10 years ago. This is her third marriage. She has two sons. Each from a different marriage. T is the oldest (my age) – he was married and has two daughters. He is now gay. And quite a whore from the stories. He doesn’t act gay and is really good looking – but apparently had a four way with the neighbors. What? I don’t know. Then there is the groom who is in to piercings and tattoos and death metal music – Oh and on a side note…..he and his fiancĂ©e both got tattoos the day before the wedding. The groom got a best friend tattoo with his BFF named R. It has a gravestone with the date they met. It has nothing to do with his wife. R got one too that matches. Uh, yeah……..

Also, two of T’s exboyfriends were there. Apparently they are both still in love with him. What it boils down to is T has had so much sex that he is going to end up getting AIDS. He is a great person and doesn’t act gay AT ALL except that he has sex with men. Also S is obsessed with something called “My Space”. I don’t know what it is, but she showed me her website or whatever. I was thinking, ‘you are 50 and married. Why are doing this?’ AND one of T’s exboyfriends was talking about what a whore T was and I asked him what else goes on in this house…..he shut up really quickly and wouldn’t say anything. So I asked if my brother and S were involved in any weird activities. He avoided an answer. J thinks the whole family except for the groom are swingers……and I am thinking it could be true. I am disturbed. All I know is that my parents would DIE if they had been there. I am so the golden child right now.

Lady Starfish

Ok, now it's me (VB) again. Don't you just love this story??? Like Teahouse Blossom said in her blog the other day--you can't make this stuff up! This is why she needs to get a blog. Stuff like this happens to her all the time. Her family is really sweet and they aren't rednecks, despite what you may be thinking now. But you know how families are--there's always a "weird" branch of the family. They keep everyone else entertained!

I hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I did. My favorite part is how LS doesn't know about myspace. She kills me. I also love that the bride walks down the "aisle" to Cherry Pie. Classic!

Thanks, LS, for letting me retell this gem of a story. Your emails are so highly anticipated. You don't even know. More! More!


NML said...

Only in America...;-)

Gypsy said...

That was vastly entertaining. I'd pay to see the pictures. ;-)

This reminds me of how I felt when the boyfriend and I headed up to some springs in a town that equality, modernization, and progress forgot. We went there for Memorial Day, thinking it would be a nice place to relax, have a few beers, take a dip in the springs.

Yeah. Little did we know we'd get an opportunity to see super rednecks in their natural environment. These were not your ordinary rednecks. These were, like, genetically engineered rednecks. Super strength.

Sam said...

"You've got such a purdy mouth." From Deliverance. Love that movie and it reminds me of the post.

teahouse said...

Hey, I didn't think McDonald's still had apple pie!

The last time I had it was at a McDonald's in the Czech Republic a few years ago. They told us the deep friend apple pies were no longer available in the U.S. because of public desire for more healthy foods..apparently it didn't bother the Eastern Europeans...

Autumn said...

We fry everything in the south teahouse!

If you get a chance you've got to try deep fried pickles and fried green tomatoes!

This was too funny VB! Oddly enough I could probably pictuer my owhn relatives doing something similar!

DetoxSmurf said...

My roommate and I go out on our balcony and sing Cherry Pie for the neighbors on occasion. Well... I play the guitar and he tries to sing. :P Long live the classics!

Virginia Belle said...

NML-- so true!

gypsy--that is so funny. i love your story. you describe it very well, because i can picture the whole scene.

sam--yes, great movie for propagating stereotypes. i really hope people don't think all southerners are like that. some of us are very classy, i can assure you!

teahouse-- come to think of it, i don't think i've seen apple pies on the McD's menu lately....then again, i never really ate them after my dad told me he found a BIG GREEN WORM in one of them. maybe they only sell them in more marketable areas?

autumn--yes, we do have a tendency to fry stuff...i recommend fried sweet potatoes. mmmmm!!! and fried green tomatoes are good if they are made right. glad you liked my post!

detoxsmurf--you have managed to make me feel like i would really enjoy hanging out with you. gotta love a guy who can play guitar and sing! even if it is cherry pie! i'll have to make sure to meet up w/you for a beer if i'm ever in myrtle. :)