Friday, June 09, 2006

Dorothy...


We're not in Kansas anymore.










So I volunteered to go to Wally World for the coworker who had the very unexpected baby. I was going to buy baby stuff for her on behalf of my office.

I had a list. I had money. I thought I was mentally prepared to do this, considering I have no children and can feel my ovaries shriveling on a regular basis. Being an experienced babysitter and an oldest sibling, I figured, "No sweat. How hard can it be? I already know what all this stuff is."

Until I encountered Butt Paste. Ok, seriously, could they not think of a better name than this? And look at the baby on the box. It has this expression on its face like, "Oh my God. My career has a new low. I am Baby Butt Paste. I guess I can forget that Gerber job I had lined up. I vow to hate my mother forever."

And with the fancy French name, you'd think they would want something to go along with it, something more elegant than Butt Paste. Maybe even just a Frenchier spelling: Le Butte Pastille or Creme de la Buttoque. Or even La Diapre Plasteur. How about Ointment pour les Derriere Rasheaux?

This is the ultimate gag gift, I think. Someone should have given it to me when I had my butt problems!

I wonder if this stuff makes your butt minty fresh? Or if it whitens? Perhaps it prevents gingivitis of the ass? Or butt decay? Maybe it uses baking soda to eliminate odor? Instead of "BAM!" would you run far away from your sleeping baby and yell "BUTT!"? Butt plaque prevention would be key, I think. Because sometimes I worry that just using toilet paper alone isn't enough. And maybe even finishing up with some Butt Floss, just to get in those little nooks and crannies.

Anyway, I got a bunch of stuff. It was kinda fun, in a "I can pretend it's my baby!" kind of way. Actually, it was kind of nerve-wracking and overwhelming. Did you know there are approximately 45,000 choices of pacifiers? And that they come in different shapes and sizes? I didn't. When I was in that aisle, I noticed another girl there, who looked as overwhelmed as I did. It turns out she was in the same situation as I was.

Together, we tried to decipher diaper labels and determine the difference between socks and booties. (Is there a difference?) I figured that newborns basically eat, sleep and poop, so as long as we focused on those three life functions, we had our bases covered.

I left the Butt Paste where I found it.

P.S. They have a website. The testimonials are great. Some quotes:

"I love the Butt Paste and will never use anything else again...will always recommend the Butt Paste to everyone."

"...my daughter gave no protest when I applied it to her bottom and genital area." (I bet she didn't, that little tramp!)

"I will now invest in the 16 oz. tub." (I am really wondering why you would need a whole pound of this stuff. It sounds like there is more going on than just diaper rash.)

According to their website, the following athletes have used this product with much enthusiasm: Mike Ditka, Shaquille O'Neal, Peyton Manning and Lance Armstrong. Funny how I missed that little trivia fact on ESPN.

It's also available in handy one-gallon jugs.

Oh, and they sponsor a NASCAR team.

8 comments:

Gypsy said...

I can't tell you how many moms have told me that stuff is the best. I don't plan on having kids, but if I did, I would stock up on butt paste. Hell, in the summer (aka, The Chaffing Season), I'd be inclined to buy some for myself.

NotCarrie said...

I have never heard of that stuff. I can see me buying it for my baby and saying, "THIS IS FOR BABIES! IT'S NOT SOME WEIRD SEX THING!"

Stuck said...

You ever go to Carowinds (or any amusement park that had normal rides as well as water rides) and end up getting soaked too early in the day? By the end of the day, you've got that irritating rash from walking around with wet shorts on, right?

Butt Paste is to help with that... cuz babies walk around with wet shorts on quite a bit.

Vixen said...

LMAO!!! Wow, it's amazing the kind of products out there! I can't believe the listed celebs yo! What the hell is it for?

jennster said...

LMFAO.. butt paste?! what is it for? i'm a mom and i don't even know this shit.

Virginia Belle said...

i guess it is like special, awesomely effective diaper rash cream that can be used for all sorts of skin irritations.

who knew, right?

charming, but single said...

AHHHH!

You cannot make fun of Boudreaux's Butt Paste.

I am so mad that I missed this post!

Because I could have told you that the name Boudreaux is a funky Cajun name down here, where the Butt Paste was born. So not some fancy French thing at all.

Sigh. You're mocking my culture! ;P

And that stuff rules, FYI. All the parents down here use it. It just got bought out and is expanding.

I am so upset that you don't know about this! This stuff if like HUGE.

Cajuns are so misunderstood. ;P

Virginia Belle said...

sorry, charming! i am not the most culturally sensitive person on earth. didn't mean to offend. thanks for the education. :)

p.s. i like cajun food! does that help?