Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Dating Tip #47 & The Skank

Men, if you have a friend who is setting you up with a woman you met briefly, and you get the woman's phone number, make sure you put it to good use. By that, I mean that if you are going to take the time and effort to call her, then ask her out when you call her the first time. Trust me, she has already heard about your supposed interest, and she is not only expecting your call, she is expecting you to seal the deal. So take your balls out of your purse and ask her if she's available for dinner Friday night. You liked her enough to get her number, so you must like her enough to see what she's doing this weekend.

Tip #48, which serves as an addendum to #47 (see above), states that during this initial phone call, you are prohibited from conducting The First Date Interview. If I'm going to sit through 45 minutes' worth of small talk which feels like the Spanish Inquisition, I should at least get a drink out of it. Interrupting my day to get to know me better before committing to even the most casual of dates comes off as self-important.

Needless to say, the initial conversation with Fun Bobby didn't go all that well. I should have told him he was calling at a bad time (he was). But I didn't want to be rude, so I sat there and let him totally dominate the entire conversation. He went on, and on and on with the questions. It was like a dating interview, really. If you were to keep score by counting the number of questions asked, it would go something like this: Fun Bobby -- 53, VB -- 2.

Aside from talking my ear off and not asking me out, he seems like a nice guy. He said he'd call again later. I can only assume he needs more information before making the oh-so-serious Weekend Date. It's such a major commitment, you know.

Then again, maybe he has beaten me at my own game. I like to pride myself on my efficiency. What if this is his way of being efficient?? He has the initial conversation, decides if he likes what he hears, and then, if he has any doubts, he cuts his losses and aborts the mission. If this is his way of saving time, trouble and money, he has gained new respect from me. My kinda guy.

Not that I really want him to call again. He's kind of....eh.

What I really want is Hot Neighbor to come to my house-warming party. If only I could catch him when he's outside of his house...I am too chicken to knock on his door. That seems too contrived. So does an invitation in his mailbox. I want it to come off as a spur-of-the-moment idea. I imagine it something like this...

Me: (Looking fantastically thin and having a good hair day) Hey, here's your hose back. Thanks again for letting me borrow it.
HN: (Coincidentally, he is doing some shirtless yard work!) You're most certainly welcome. By the way, has anyone ever told you that you look ravishing today?
Me: (giggle) Why, no! But thank you so much!
HN: You're welcome. (Wipes sweat from his brow with his slightly tan, very muscular arm)
Me: Oh, hey, I almost forgot. My roommate and I are having a little get-together in a couple of weeks. On the 20th. You should come by.
HN: (Squinting his gorgeous blue eyes into the bright sunlight that is causing all the sweat on his pecs to glisten like a shimmering ocean of manliness) That's great! I'd love to!
Me: (Entirely unfazed by his gorgeousness) Um, yeah, and if you have a girlfriend or anything, you can bring her, too.
HN: (Expression of concern on his face) Oh, no, I don't have anyone like that. Not at all. That woman with the kid is just my sister. I'm, uh, quite single.
Me: (giggling again, and flipping perfectly-coiffed hair) Oh. Ok. That sounds....perfect. 6pm, then?
HN: (Casually rubbing his six-pack) Wouldn't miss it for the world!

That's how it goes in my head, anyway.

Unfortunately, I seriously doubt this scene will ever take place. Not because it's too cold to do shirtless yard work this time of year, but because the Mystery Girl (henceforth referred to as "The Skank") has made another appearance. Now, now, I'm sure she's a perfectly nice girl. And I don't have any proof that they are dating. But it just makes me feel better to call her The Skank. It's my blog. I can call her whatever I want.

I got home from work last Friday, to see Hot Neighbor and The Skank running around, putting luggage from her car into his car. They were going somewhere. Together. Overnight.


Coincidentally (I swear! Not planned!), I was walking Sammy when I saw all this. I managed to catch the tail-end of her cell phone conversation. She and HN were running around, like I said, parking cars and transferring things--they seemed to be in a huge hurry. They were late for something. So, of course, I want to know what's going on, and I begin to try and listen in. The Skank said to someone on her phone, "...Hot Neighbor and I are trying to get to my parents' house before..."

Did ya get that? "MY parents' house". As in, NOT Hot Neighbor's parents, but HER parents. She didn't say OUR. She said HER. As in, "My parents want to meet you, Hot Neighbor, because you are an incredible specimen of a man and they really want us to get married and have lots of babies, so they want us to visit them next weekend so they can begin calling you 'Son'."

HN and The Skank were gone until late Sunday night. And then last night, the Mystery Kid arrived around dinner time in HN's car. I assume The Skank picked up the Mystery Kid after I went to sleep at 10:30. If they aren't dating, why is he babysitting her kid?

And that's how she earned her nickname: The Skank. I'm sure she's a very nice girl. But right now, I think I hate her.


Mieke said...

maybe skank is really a cousin and she and hn grew up together and he helps her out since she is a single mom? OR maybe she is really his ex and they share responsibility of the child? And he is so nice that he visits her parents to help make the child feel loved? hmmmm... I think you should go with the whole scenario you said-- he has to do yard work sometime, right??? :) good luck!!

teahouse said...

Hmm..Skank sounds like she lives up to her name! Rawr!!

The plot thickens...

Gypsy said...

Such a shame! It definitely sounds like he's involved with The Skank. Or maybe they're divorced??

charming, but single said...

Ok, first off, I give Fun Bobby the thumbs down. He didn't have to ask for your hand in marriage, he just needed to ask you to coffee or something. He could have kept it casual and invited you out with your mutual friends for cocktails or dinner.

Second, the housewarming party is the perfect time to invite your hottie neighbor over. I learned this trick in college, after my neighbors complained to the police about a (not so loud) party we threw. We invited all of our neighbors to our parties after that. Some actually came and had a good time and brought beer. And no one ever called the cops after that.

Not that you're planning on having a blow out, but you could invite him under the guise of being a good neighbor. Chances are that if your street is like most neighborhoods, you're going to end up with a few people parked in front of your neighbors' houses anyway ... when you set the party details, you should casually mention to him that you're having a get together, that he should feel free to let you know if someone is blocking his driveway, etc. and that he is more than welcome to stop by with his wife/girlfriend (check for ring first).

He'll appreciate that you're at least a considerate neighbor and he'll probably stop by. And, if you wrongly identify The Skank, he is sure to correct you ... and if he corrects you quickly and points out how single he is, that means he might be interested ...

Go for it. It is better to know.

Lisa said...

God... I was so not good at dating... And you just reminded me why...

I hope the hot guy comes to your housewarming party too!

Matilda Jane said...

Oh I'm eager to come over and help you spy on this neighbor!
I'll bring popcorn!!!

tallglassofvino said...

think positive. maybe it's his ex-wife.

reminds me of when I met S's neighbor - who, upon learning I was dating HIS neighbor, promptly told me S was married. (the last time he'd paid attention, S had a live-in gf). Gah!

See? so ex-wife info could be good info.

(wow, I comment much more when I'm home sick from work)

Anonymous said...

I just have to say that I LOVE YOU! You are so funny. I started reading your blog after Charming but Single shouted you out on her blog. I had to back through all the archives and print them out (at work, with their paper...shhh!) But just wanted to let you know that you write so well and are so funny. I cannot tell you how many times I was laughing out loud at work...I mean to the point that it was almost obnoxious! Keep up the good work, you rock!

Anonymous said...

maybe he's dating her and that's her son from a previous relationship.

E said...

I LOVE the blog!

I agree. It's your blog, she can be a skank. Hope she turns out to be a cousin who's hiding out from her abusive husband until she officially gets custody of her child or something. Eh, it was worth a shot...

RWA said...

That's pretty funny. Are you going to feel bad when you find out that there's a perfectly logical explanation for her and the kid that doesn't involve Hot Neighbor?

Virginia Belle said...

i love all the potential scenarios, guys! now my brain really is in a tizzy.

i will have to do more investigating. now where did i put my phone tapping kit?


MJ-- you know where i live. i will see you pull up because i spend most of my time staring out my front window, looking for HN. please bring enough popcorn to share.

anonymous and e -- so glad you like it! thanks for commenting!