Holy cow, I haven't done one of these in.....forever. But I've wanted to do one, it's just taken me a while to come up with some good questions. Are they any good? I guess I'll find out soon. Here goes.
1. Men: Now that it's been determined that more women than ever are living without a husband*, do you think it's true that men feel they have nothing to offer the modern woman? Are you thinking, "What can I offer her? She has it all already."?
I think that this is probably another manipulation of statistics put forth by the media. A lot of women (especially those from the Baby Boomer generation) are living longer than their husbands, and so they are now widows. Thanks to modern medicine, they are living as widows even longer than before.We all know men kick the bucket before women do. So these widows are being counted into this 51%. Remember that these statistics are also including divorcees, so it does not mean 51% of women are single/have never been married. But I am betting that the single/never-been-married women numbers are on the rise, too.
What I want to know is this: are men feeling threatened by independent, self-sufficient women? Are we not getting dates because men feel they would only be a burden to us? Are women shooting themselves in the foot by having and doing it all? (Don't get me wrong, I think it's cool. Just playing devil's advocate here.)
2. Strictly a curiosity question: When do men wear jock straps? Only when they are putting themselves at risk for injuries to their balls? Wait, I guess that would be a cup. Wait, are cups the same thing as a jock strap? Are they sold as a set? And the cup is an insert, much like a pad in a push-up bra? How about when they run--does the jock strap serve as a sports bra would for women? I would think it would be important to wear one. Men worry about saggy balls, right? And if they don't, let me tell ya, they should be. Because, ew. Do they come in sizes like bras do? Are they shaped like briefs or thongs? Although it sounds crazy, I bet the thong-style jock strap would be more supportive. So I am curious about male undergarments. Someone please explain this to me.
3. What makes a man/woman unapproachable? Can you smell desperation? Do high-maintenance women have a certain aura? What about bitches? What about men who live with their parents still? Is your decision to approach based on timing? Like if you've had a bad day, you don't talk to her? Do you have any rules for when/how/deciding whether to approach someone?
Or, if you are an old-fashioned gal like me, what determines your decision to let a guy hit on you vs. telling him to go...well, you know. (Not that I say that. I'm a lady. Usually. And not that I get a lot of practice with guys hitting on me. I don't. In fact, I'm having quite the little dry spell right now. Let's not talk about it, ok? Just answer my question.)
Let me think about my answer. *VB utilizes her over-active imagination* I'm at a bar, with my girlfriends. (Or, if I'm daydreaming, I'm at the bookstore, alone--I've always wanted to meet a guy in a bookstore. We have a laugh over some weird funny book, he buys me coffee, we discover a mutual love of jellybeans...but I'm rambling now, so...) Two guys approach me and begin to flirt madly with me. (See? I told you it was over-active.) The guy who gets to approach me and avoid getting a knee in his crotch and get my number has the following characteristics:
*he's funny (this is a deal-breaker if he can't make me laugh--there's a reason why this is #1 on my list)--bonus points if he can make fun of himself
*he's smart and well-educated
*I feel safe around him
*he has a job at which he works hard and exhibits some ambition (those guys who are going to have the same job, forever? bor-ing!)
*he seems mature, polite and kind (all kind of the same thing, really)
*he seems happy, confident and interesting (I think these things go hand-in-hand)
*I'm reasonably attracted to him
*he is not drunk or high (I've got such high standards, right?)
*he is not blowing smoke up my ass (this can cover any number of things...)
*he is apparently single and straight
Everything else is just gravy, really. If he has all these traits and the cojones to approach me, he'll probably get my number if he asks for it. Jeez, what am I saying. If I see a guy who seems to exhibit most of these qualities from across the room, I might just "accidentally" bump into him. Hard. And cop a cheap feel. Right on his hot ass. Yeah, baby.
At the very least, he'll probably catch me checking him out. Twice. And smiling and waving.
And he won't get shooed away or blown off if he's funny, interesting and smells good. I might not give him my number, but I sure will talk to him all night. Which definitely increases his chances of growing on me.
Things which would cause me to flee to the ladies' room (and if necessary, climb out the ladies' room window) in order to escape include:
*guys who cannot keep their hands to themselves (major pet peeve of mine)
*drunk guys
*guys who seem bitter or angry, especially at women
*guys who need to carry their egos in a suitcase or seem to have lost their self-confidence entirely in a baggage mishap at the airport (moderation is key in this department!)
*guys who make it seem pretty obvious they only want to know me in one way, and that way would be horizontally.
*guys who are going nowhere with their lives and don't really seem to care
*guys who aren't "into" anything. Hobbies are good, people. Yes, even hockey. I can live with it.
*guys who can't accept the fact that I. Do. Not. Drink. Alcohol. Ever. No. Not. Even. On. New. Year's.
*guys who are obviously with a woman (I'm not interested in applying for the "Other Woman" position! Go find a drunk slut to do that!)
*guys who have the maturity of a 12 year old
*clingy, desperate types, especially if they are trying to put me on a pedestal! I am not perfect. I cuss like a truck driver. I can be over-dramatic, sometimes to the point that I annoy myself. I'm a total bitch when I'm tired. I like cigarettes. I am overweight. I take eons to get ready. I have judgemental tendencies. I hate the outdoors. These are all things that I feel are fairly obvious, especially in a bar. I don't know why people don't see these things.
Then again, maybe they can, and that's my problem lately!
Re-reading this is making me wonder if I am high-maintenance. If my standards are impossibly high. Am I asking too much? (I guess that is question #4?)
Ah, nothing like your own blog posting to help you figure yourself out. It's sort of like self-therapy, isn't it? And yet so much cheaper.....
What do you think? *in Cawfee Tawlk voice* Discuss amongst yourselves!
*If you want the whole article, go visit your local public library. They can get it for you for free. Don't pay for it online. Your tax dollars already do that.
9 comments:
1) First, I believe the study that more women are choosing to be single and don't think it's a manipulation of numbers. I blame Sex & the City for this.
But why would this affect my desire to approach her? You asked "What can I offer her?" I respond with a question of my own. What can she offer ME? If I'm not supposed to put a woman on a pedestal, as you later point out as a turn-off, then I'm not there to serve her needs. I'm there to serve mine.
Don't mistake me as selfish yet! But, really, if I'm going to approach someone I don't even know, I'm not wondering how I can improve her life. I'm wondering if she can improve mine. Once we're actually dating, then I'm starting to think about what I can do for her. The pedestal will have to wait for serious relationship time. Because if she's willing to put up with all my shit and commit to me, she's proven herself a saint. ;)
2) The jock-strap goes over a cup, the hard plastic shell, which in turn goes over your junk. I believe they are sold separately. I just bought a cup in high school and wore it under my biker shorts, which were under my football pants. And I just talked about packaging my junk in your comments section. How does that make you feel?
3)What makes her unapproachable is too broad a question, so I will tell you what makes her approachable:
* Must look as if she's having a good time. Some guys will disagree with me here, because the bored girl is the one that's waiting on you to come sweep them off their feet. My reasoning is that a bored girl requires more work to pull back into a good mood. (Damn, I am making myself sound like a selfish, lazy pig, aren't I?)
* Must be in a group of three or less. Any more than this means it's Girl's Night Out, and I'm not fighting those odds. Picking up a girl in a group means you have to win the ENTIRE group. If her friends don't want you to pick her up, they'll block you.
* Must have laughed at least once, and have a magical laugh. I can't explain the magical laugh, but it's not uncommon. The nonmagical laugh isn't worth my time.
* 9 times out of 10, she must have given me an indicator prior. The smile from her table or the "accidental" bump. A cold call is no fun.
Your question was about the Approach, not the Sale, yet your requirements are mostly impossible to measure without having already been approached. you can't know if a guy is funny, smart, safe, employed, mature, or blowing smoke from across the bar. (Hell, you didn't know I never graduated college until how many months after we became friends?)
I'll have to get a more detailed response together over the weekend and post a response entry over at SitW.
1. Don't worry. More women are single/never-been-married, in part, because women (and men) are simply waiting longer to get married and, in some cases, are actually choosing to be single. Trust me on this, I'm in sociology. Any man who feels threatened by an independent woman needs to get over their insecurity. Women are capable of taking care of themselves and can be an equal partner in any relationship. I would think that real men would prefer to be in a relationship with someone who is capable of acting like an adult. Maybe women are shooting themselves in the foot to some extent, but if delaying marriage means that women are finding men who are more compatible with them and who are actually capable of and willing to be a participating partner in a relationship, in reality we may be getting the better end of the bargain.
2. I have no idea, but you're right. Men should be concerned about saggy balls, they're rather unattractive to say the least.
3. Their personality/attitude. I want nothing to do with anyone with a Holier-Than-Thou attitude. I don't have any rules for approaching someone, but I'm more likely to approach someone if they seem friendly and appear interested in what I have to say.
4. No. Your standards are not impossibly high. You are an intelligent, independent, strong, (and even though I have no clue what you look like I'm willing to add beautiful to the list) and kind young woman. You are looking for someone who is worthy of you, that you can spend the rest of your life with. You should not have to settle for someone who is unable or unwilling to give you what you need/want/deserve in a relationship. My BFF also used to think that she was too high maintenance. Apparently she was just dating the wrong guys because her husband doesn't seem to find her high maintenance at all.
Virginia,
Sounds like you grew up in a house without any brothers, because if you had brothers playing sports, there must have been a jockstrap or two hanging around.
Belle, here's some advice. You never, ever want to get tagged as High Maintenance, becuase that limits you to the boys who can afford you, or put up with you. And they always expect something in return for their investment. Tone down the sarcasm, and turn on the Southern charm. Smile often, and never let them see you cry.
I can assure you that cups are not the same thing as jockstraps - although some people typically wear a cup (when they use one, such as in baseball) inside the jockstrap.
1. I think it's unfair to say men make girls want to be single. The census only says there are more single women now, so it's logical this goes for the men as well (unless there are more gays). I think this result can be because of men's or women's priority shifted, from family-oriented to more work-oriented. It can be because men and women are became more educated and require higher, unrealistic, standard to match theirs.
I agree on Stuck that instead of asking what I can offer, ask will the opposite sex will they able to enrich my life? I already got most of the things I need, a little bit of friend, a little bit of money and happiness. I don't need you to feed me (I'm sure you don't me feed you as well), but I need you to love me so I can love back and feel that funny feeling inside my head.
I don't feel threatened by independent, self-sufficient women. I think they are the most awesome type of women.
2. I've no experience with jock straps, but when I do fencing, some people wear them, just in case.
3. I think I'll approche anyone if I think they are interesting enough. I'm not sure how to tell you what I mean by interesting. Usually there are a little voice in my head, saying, "Talk to her. Talllllllk to her~~~~~". But, yeah, you've got it, if I've had a bad day, I won't talk to "her", I would write in my journal and sleep instead.
I agree with you journal helps a lot in learning ourselves. It also helps me solve a lot of my own problems, it's like after writing everything I want to say out on a paper, my head feels lighter and I can be more objectively/subjectively see my problem/situation.
I have no clue with men. I'm trying to raise a "good one" but honestly? No clue when it comes to dating. God, I sucked at dating.... And am just as perplexed now as I was then...
"Are we not getting dates because men feel they would only be a
burden to us?"
That is just bullshit media talk, I think. It all depends on the individual man and woman in a situation as to whether sparks fly and a relationship develops.
I am a long time single woman who most of the time enjoys being single and independent. I think more woman are living alone because they want to not because they have to.
Thank God we live in modern times in a relatively safe country where women can have jobs, buy houses and completely take care of themselves and their families if necessary.
This means that when a woman and man do settle down together it can be for reasons other than financial and emotional support. It means that two people can come together because they actually like each other.
I'm with 'm'. The "new rules" are "no rules" and an intelligent independant man should want an intelligent independant woman, unless he's looking for a powertrip with a woman who'll let him call all the shots. And we don't want that anyway, right? Right.
Young (and not so young, uhem..) people of both genders are choosing to postpone marriage - sometimes to develop their careers, sometimes because they want to have dated enough people to feel confident that the person that they DO settle down with is a good match: emotionally, physically, AND philosophically. And it takes some personal maturing to know what's truly a good compliment to yourself.
Do women get the short stick in all of this? yes, and no. YES in that we don't get the benefits of sharing life's expenses from an earlier age, and that it is still true that if a marriage ends that the woman suffers more, financially, than her ex. NO in that in the big picture, we have more choices, can take the time to make better decisions on who to attach with, and this makes for healthier, more secure, and just plain better lives than the previous generations who felt extreme social pressure to be married by a certain age. To whomever asked.
The one downside I see is that postponing marriage can give young men AND women a sense that they are free to 'sow their oats' and be footloose and carefree for much longer than their parents or grandparents could. They might feel that there is endless choice of potential mates out there, so why settle? And at the end of the day, "settling" IS what it takes to make the decision to marry. Not settling in a BAD way, but settling as in deciding to deal with someone's flaws and love them anyway. When my single friends ask "why should I settle?" I gently remind them that THEY are not perfect either, and that someone might just have to make a decision to "settle" with them, so they'd best learn that "settling" really means "compromising" and "accepting" and it is potentially a wonderfully bonding experience.
Okay, that was THREE cents worth, but what can I say - it's a topic that hits close to home for me!
1) I'm ignoring the thing about too many single girls. I can't help you there. This is what I did when I was single: hit on all the girls who I thought were ultra-cute and tried to date them. So I mean, it wasn't like I was contributing to that trend, except through utter incompetence.
2) We're not allowed to release that information.
3) I hit on girls who are the cutest girls ever, is how it works for me. Generally if you look like a carbon copy of every other girl, I will not want to hit on you. But if you are unique in some way and look like you just might be smart as all hell, now we can talk. Especially if you seem nerdy. (I always wanted to hit on a girl in a bookstore! I never saw the right girl at one, though.) Just before I got my current girlfriend I swore that I was going to ask the next cute girl I saw whether she liked science or not. But I mean, whatever. Now I'm dating a PhD student. A PhD engineering student. It's like my dream girl. So there.
I don't think any of the things you said were unreasonable, really. "Be a normal human being" is a good guideline. The only thing, though, is that it's tough to be funny when you hit on girls because humor is so delicate. It's a lot easier for me to be hilarious when I know a girl more. So I'd say, be a little forgiving about that one at first if you can.
Oh, and, hey, guy up there who won't hit on groups of girls: dude. You're making a mistake. Sure it's tough to win them all over, but if you CAN get like 4 of her friends on your side, you are in spectacular shape. I mean, I asked out a girl in the middle of like 6 of her friends once, and it went great. They were all looking at me all hostile-style at first, but then I started saying honest things to the girl, and then they all melted. Seriously, it was perfect. Well, she had a boyfriend. But until that part, I felt pretty good about the whole endeavor.
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