Friday, April 06, 2007

Ok, People...

I know it would be uber-exciting for all of you to read this blog on Monday morning and see that I boldly walked over to Hot Neighbor's house on Saturday, knocked on his door and balls-out asked him over for dinner.

But I am not living my life for your entertainment. (Surprise!!)

While I may have moments of frustration, desperation and temptation, we all know I'm never going to do that. Yeah. Hate to be the bucket of cold water to your nice, relaxing hot shower, but let's get real, people. I just don't do that. Why?

1. In the past, all of my experiences where I have been the bold, assertive person have blown up in my face. Sure, the guys were nice enough about it, and flattered. They may have gotten my number or taken me out a couple of times, or even dated me for 6 months. But in the end, every one of them has ended up being either totally forgettable or a major dating regret (ie, The Cop). So if this was a baseball game, I'd be batting about 0 for 5. Not much of a batting average. What is that quote? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results? I think pretty much sums it up.

2. I am not comfortable with doing it in the first place, nevermind how it always seems to end up. I have been groomed my whole life to be an old-fashioned dater, and I am comfortable with it. It feels natural to me. I enjoy being wooed and pursued. Maybe it's because I was raised in the South, maybe it's because I'm definitely not a feminist, maybe it's because my parents' courtship was so charming and old-fashioned that I've been spoiled by their romantic tales from the mid-1970s, and now will never settle for less. Maybe it's just because I'm a girly girl. Who knows. But I feel confident when I am pursued. Not so much when I am being the aggressor. It's just not me. I think part of happiness is knowing yourself.

3. I am not one to play with fate. I think if something is meant to happen, it will happen in its own time. Since when does my life have to conform to the schedule my overly-daydreaming mind has laid out? Good grief, if I did that, I'd have 2 kids and a time share by now. Pursuing guys makes me feel like I'm forcing a relationship to happen. This doesn't sit well with me, kind of like how you have indigestion after eating too much, too fast: I can continue on with the experience, but I feel very uncomfortable. I like to allow things to happen naturally and slowly. There's no rush. I have the rest of my life to meet men.

4. He's been living next door to me for 5 months, people. Think about how often you are home in a 5 month period. Think about how many times he and I have spoken. How many different ways he could have gotten in touch with me. We are talking about numerous opportunities, all of which he has chosen to miss. This is a classic case of He's Just Not That Into Me. Which is fine. I can live with that. It happens all the time. And it's far better than forcing him to go out with me on a flattery date, only to be directly and bluntly rejected by him down the road. This is far less painful. If he were all about me, he would have been willing to risk rejection and would have asked me out already. Oh, and let's not forget my awesome timing in the looks department -- he looooves to see me when I look like total crap. This does not help my cause. So please, guys, no excuses for him. Don't give me the whole, "he's new to dating again! ease up!" or "divorcees have no self-esteem, you're going to have to meet him halfway!" or whatever. Excuses for not asking me out are bullshit, if I do say so myself. I'm a fun girl, who is easy to hang out with. Plus, I have nice boobs. I think that pretty much covers most 1st date requirements....right? Ok then.

5. I like balls. I like men with balls who ask out women fearlessly. I'm starting to think he's not that kind of guy. I'm starting to think he might be a ninny. A pushover. A doormat. Someone who waits for a domineering woman to take over and run his life for him. I can't respect people like that. Why would I settle for dating one? So can someone please explain to me why I would make a whole lasagna from scratch (about $25 and 3 hours of time, btw) for someone who can't even be bothered to take a deep breath and ask me what I'm doing this weekend? Because the more I think about it, the less interested I am in the idea. He's not lasagna-worthy at this point. (Elaine had sponges, I have lasagna.)

That being said, I'm obviously going to have to kick it up a notch in the flirting department. I've got serious competition now--he DID find his balls long enough to ask Wednesday Skank out, obviously. (I will suspend my theory that she asked him out, for the time being.) So although I'm not going to make lasagna (what, you think he'll take one bite and instantly fall madly in love with me? Come on, look who has an overactive imagination now! I mean, I know I make good lasagna, but come on!), I am going to start gardening in low-cut tops and insert some winking into my conversations with Hot Neighbor. I don't mess with fate, but I'm not against giving her a little nudge from time to time.

P.S. Don't bother calling me a wuss. I've already labeled the post appropriately. Aw, did I take the wind out of your sails?

So...I have some pics to share with you. It's Toby.

Um, I didn't realize it when I took it, but Toby is looking right at Sammy's butt in this picture...

And in this one, he wouldn't hold still, which is why he's not centered in the frame. Don't you love my awesomely landscaped backyard lawn? It's coming along perfectly...NOT.
This morning, I got to start my day at 5:30. Why was I up at 5:30, you ask? Because Toby was barfing all over my bedroom. Awesome. At first, I was just annoyed. Too sleepy to be worried, I was just wanting him to go back to bed. But he kept making noises and then I could hear some sort of splatter, which made me get up and turn on the lights.

I put two and two together in my pre-caffeinated brain: Dog is not making annoying sounds for the heck of it, dog is barfing. That is when the worry set in. I grabbed him and held him over my bathroom sink (ew) so he could barf on something that wasn't my carpeting. The dog barf had blood in it. I freaked out. So now he's at the vet, and I'm worried, because I haven't heard from the vet all day. And he hasn't had any food today, either. My poor, little pound puppy. My poor, little, expensive-as-hell pound puppy....

Ha! Not only am I Barf Queen, but my new dog is a barfer, too. Aw, he will fit in so well....


Single guy blogging said...

Hey VB - being a guy, I totally agree that he should make the first move. I'm sure his new "friend" probably saw the opportunity and pounced, but in the long run, who knows what was going though his head. Maybe it was "I haven't been on a date or had sex in so long, I'm not confident enough to initiate anything. It feels good to have someone express interest in me without putting my balls on the line, so I'll just go with it!"

I mean, look at it this way -- if he doesn't have the guts to ask for what he wants at this stage, how is he going to be in the other departments?? ;) The passion in your head (and Lasagna) could be much greater than any he can handle or ever live up to.

cmk said...

I am just SO happy I am not at this stage in my life! It all works out in the end, you know. :)

jennster said...

he should make the first move. he should have the balls to make the first move.. or any move. i am SO not into guys who don't have the balls to handle me, deal with me, or scare easily... which is one of the reasons why boyfriend was PERFECT for me! before him, i scared PLENTY of guys, which was beyond annoying. i like guys who don't scare easily. who are men. UGH..
i definitely think it shouldn't be you who has to make the first move.

Matilda Jane said...

Huh.. ok. Sit back and wait for him to make the first move. Hey, while you're at it... why don't you sit back and wait for your fridge to fill up instead of going grocery shopping... then wait for it to cook itself and float into your mouth!
Oh....... sorry, that's doesn't happen... and you wouldn't survive without food. You can certainly survive as a dateless spinstress. You're right... don't take chances and you won't get hurt! AND definitely don't go out on a date with THE CHANCE that he might accept it as a pity date then realize you're frickin fanstastic!

Matilda Jane said...

PS~ this ain't the 70s no more, sweets.

Jonathan said...

Any word on Toby? I hope he is ok.

M said...

If I absolutely adore a guy, I don't ask him out because I am **tooo** interested and the rejection would floor me. Sounds weird, but it is true.

M said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RWA said...

I'm confused. What does having nice boobs have to do with first date requirements? Does a guy get to see your nice boobs on the first date?

In my humble opinion, he was going to ask the other day - but backed down when he sensed your urgency to get out of town.

And didn't you say you were going to make a big batch of lasagna and use that to your advantage?

Maybe soon.

KT said...

I want lasagna!! lol, xoxox.... The one thing I want to say is that I believe in fate as well. If you are going to date him, you will, and if not oh well. The man is out there... and if you want to date old fashioned then that is your choice ( I just have to pick a little). I think sometimes that if I could I would not mind that old-fashioned wooing....but know that it's not me. Enjoy yourself, and if he does not have to balls to ask you, oh well... find someone even hotter and flaunt it in his face :) .

Lisa said...

You know, you're the best judge in this sitch...

And yes, a lap dog isn't that much fun to date. But as for doggies, I LOVE the photos of your pups. So adoreable!

Anonymous said...

A wise person once said, “Fate only takes you so far, then it's up to you to make it happen.” Did you ever think fate is what put you next to each other???? From your posts, it sounds like you have been sort of dismissive when he comes over. Have you ever invited him into your house to sit down and chat? Instead, you two just have these awkward conversations at your door. I know it is just bad timing on when he chooses to show up, but you really need to invite him and make him feel at ease. From his stand point, he probably thinks you are not interested. "When I go over to her house, she is short with me and does not even give me the chance to ask her out."

Virginia Belle said...

SGB!!! OMG!!! You actually understand me!!! That's EXACTLY what i'm saying! Wait, are you really single? 'Cause I've been looking for a guy who gets me. ;)

cmk -- tell that to my ovaries.

ster-- thank you! finally, someone who appreciates balls as much as i do.

MJ-- well, it doesn't matter anyway. see the post for 4/9/07. i dont' think i'd even get a pity date at this point.

jonathan-- toby is doing great! his ear infection is improved, his housetraining is coming along, he and sammy are starting to's all good. thanks for asking.

M-- you, too, understand me! i'd rather just not know. it's easier that way. him having the opportunity to ask me out and not taking it is enough rejection for me, thankyouverymuch!

RWA- um, i don't like to admit this, but occassionally, yeah. no, my point was with the boobs thing was simply that guys like boobs. i have nice boobs. last time i checked with a highly unscientific poll of guys i know, nice boobs are a plus. i am still baffled as to why my leaving town has anything to do with what my plans are for the following weekend. it takes 2 seconds to ask someone out. that's hardly going to cramp my style, no matter how little packing i've done.

i've decided that i'm going to wait until he proves himself "lasagna-worthy" anyway.

kt-- of course you can have lasagna. and i LOVE your strategy about flaunting someone in his face. teehee.

lisa -- aw,thanks. they are my sweet babies. and they don't give me lip, which i really like in a guy.

pawley's -- yes, i agree w/the quote. and i also really like your strategy-- you make a good point. i will confess, i have probably been a little on the aloof side, just out of caution. (but i have been grinning ear-to-ear like an idiot! doesn't that count for something?)

however, i think it would be foolish to continue on with a plan of seduction after observing what i've observed this past week. see today's post (4/9/07). :(

i admit defeat.