Monday, April 23, 2007

Reasons #19 and #24

Filed under why my job is cool sometimes:

#19 -- You can settle bets with friends. MJ and I were debating on whether or not grits were made from the entire cob or just the kernels. She said cob, I said kernels. Found out this morning: kernels only. The cobs are good for nothing other than making them into corncob pipes. I win. Woot!

#24 -- You can really stalk people. Today, in about 5 seconds, I learned Hot Neighbor's last name, his ex-wife's name, the date of their marriage and their former address. I learned that he moved in only 6 months before I did AND he paid about $7k less for his house than I did, although our homes are identical. I also learned how old he is -- 32. If I wanted to take the time to do so, I know how to go downtown and look up their divorce record, wedding announcement and maybe some other stuff. But that is much more effort than I'm willing to invest. Especially since he's probably interested in me for the sole reason that I can babysit for him. (Thanks to my straight hairdresser for being oh-so-certain that's what HN wanted that one time.)

Speaking of HN, let me tell you about Wednesday Skank (WS). She showed up at his house on Saturday evening, wearing a black dress with a hem so short she probably could not bend over in the dress. Seriously, y'all, she looked like a hooker. I mean, I like short skirts on occasion, but this one made me blush on her behalf. Paired with red stilettos, she looked trashy. I'm thinking now that she could be a stripper.

Then again, maybe the fact that I wear jeans all the time is why he's out with her and not me...

But you know what? She's just some stupid bimbo. He's probably using her to rub it in his ex's face or something. Maybe he's having an early mid-life crisis. Who knows. But I can say that if she keeps coming over to his house every day, he's going to get sick of her pretty quick. I don't care how lonely you are, everyone needs space.

Guess I will just sit back and wait for their relationship to implode. Then I can swoop in and make him fall madly in love with me.

Although, do I want to date someone who's into girls like that to begin with? Hmmm. Dunno.

Friday night I hung out with MJ and we made quite the pub crawl -- I think we hit 5 bars, plus late-night pizza before heading home. The good news was, we discovered a cool new bar. Gotta love that. While we were there, I did talk to one guy, and although cute, he wasn't funny or smart. He gave me his number, but I will never call him. Funny is a must-have.

I chopped my hair off on Saturday. Not completely, just shoulder-length. With some long bangs and layers that like to fall in my face. I am loving the new 'do. It's very freeing. It moves a lot. And based on my experiences Saturday night when I went out, it's also a hit with guys. I don't know why, but I had about 3 different guys approach me. Maybe it was the low-cut satin tank top....Not much to write home about, but it's good for the ol' ego. Woot!

Wait, I take that back. One of them was cute, but he had some serious cock-blockage issues. He was out at the bars with a man who was about 60-65. Now, some wing-women can deal with talking to a senior citizen while her girl chats with a guy. But not many. Most girls I know would struggle, feel awkward, escape to the bathroom and give me a hard time about it later. Besides, I don't really want to be that friend who pawns off old men on her friends so she can give a guy her number in a few minutes. I had no choice but to politely blow him off. (Any opinions on this decision? I have never really been in that situation before. I mean, talking to another wingman is one thing, but a grandpa? Just seems creepy and awkward. I felt bad putting my friend in that position. Keep in mind this old guy didn't seem to have much personality. He just kinda stood there.)

Sunday I went to dinner with MJ and got to meet her parents, who are in town this week. I managed to make a total ass out of myself by going off on the Post Office, when everyone started laughing at me. It turns out that Mr. Jane is....a mailman. Yeah. Great first impression. Luckily, he has the same wonderful sense of humor as his daughter, and it was all taken in stride. WHEW.

After dinner, we all got in our respective cars and met up at an ice cream parlor. The best parking spot just happened to be right in front of a picnic table full of hottie firemen. They were all eating ice cream. Their fire truck was parked across the street. [Insert single girl, Backdraft-style fireman/ice cream fantasy here.]

I know you are expecting me to have some kind of cool, exciting story here, but true to form, I completely chickened out. I think I made a half-assed attempt at smiling at them, but basically choked and just crossed the street to the ice cream parlor. What can I say?? I can handle maybe 2 hottie firemen at a table. But 5? Unh-unh. No way. That is ultra-intimidating. I totally freaked and bolted. Mmmm...that's hot.

Ugh, I should be ashamed of myself. Especially since I caught them smiling at me. They definitely wanted me to talk to them. WHY do I chicken out at the MOST opportune times??? Aaaargh. I do this with HN, too. I am a doofus. No wonder I am alone.

Excuse me, I have to go bang my head against the wall now.


Coco said...

Don't beat yourself up too much . . . I stalked 3 hottie firemen at Lowe's on Saturday, but while some eye contact was made, of course I did not have the cajones to actually go up and say anything to them. Bleh.

I did consider waiting outside on the back of their truck hoping they wouldn't notice me as they sped off ...

lenfercestlesautres said...

"4) Are grits only a Southern food?
No. Though grits have a rich tradition in the South, they are not only eaten by Southerners. People around the country are finding the great uses and taste of grits."

LOL. I spent quite some time wondering what the hell #19 was supposed to mean. I'm slightly more intelligent now that I've taken a dictionary.

Btw, HN is going to dump WS. Because a woman with extra-short black dresses and red heels and a convertible sports car cannot possibly deal with children. No way.

Scott said...

#24 - Hmmm.. someone got a little 'stalking bug'. FYI, my name is Pedro.

As for WS - although I would choose classy over trashy, maybe HN goes for the opposite. Or, maybe its the whole mid-life crisis deal. But isn't supposed to happen later on? You'll know for sure if he rolls up in a new sportscar.

Mieke said...

Darn it, VB! You missed an opportunity with 5 hot fireman???What?? Those are my favorite. Well, uh, I mean they were my favorite. There is a group of them that go grocery shopping in my grocery store sometimes in the morning. The whole group of them in their little outfits shopping. I actually avoid the aisles they are down if I see them because I don't want them to see me blushing. So yeah, okay, you can get off this time without having spoke to them. As for HN, I don't know what he's thinking. WS is obviously trying really hard, with the short skirts and all. I don't think it will last.

Fluffycat said...

The problem with the 5 hot firemen is that you'd have to pick one (or maybe two) out of the bunch, and being shy, you were spared that difficult task.

HN sounds not really worth your time. Even if he gets tired of this short-skirted girl, he sounds quite shallow.

The Frog Princess said...

WS is simply passing through. My guess is that she's semi-interesting in the sack and that's the only reason he puts up with her. If he doesn't get bored soon, then the kiddies will probably run her off. She doesn't sound like she can deal with wiping snotty noses or having grubby little paws touch her.

As for the firemen...don't sweat it. I don't know a lot of women who can handle five regular guys at once, let alone FIVE super hot firemen!

teahouse said...

Hahahaha for hottie firemen. Yummy.

Becky said...

lol you always make me laugh:) i wanna cut my hair. but then i dont want to cuz i know i'll regret it! pics please!

LowTide said...

Whether HN’s relationship with WS is good or bad really depends on what you are looking for with HN. Do you want a serious relationship with him or just some fun? If you are looking for a real relationship with him, then I think this is a good thing. I think HN is just out "sowing his oats" with WS. He does not want to "sow his oats" with his neighbor. It will become awkward and messy.

As someone else stated, WS does not appear to be the motherly type. He is just going through a phase like most newly-divorced men. Been there, done that. He has been stuck in a bad relationship and wants to enjoy his new found freedom. For you this could be good. He probably views you more as the motherly and/or more responsible type. You own a home, you can cook, you interact with his kids when you see them, you are attractive (I am assuming this having never seen a picture). HN will grow weary with WS very soon. When he does, I suspect he will come running to you. Don’t look at this like you are his fall back plan. Wouldn’t you rather be in a serious relationship with him after he has gone through his post-divorce wild phase? Face it, you are a catch. WS is just a tag and release.

Behind The Curve said...

#24 sings to my heart. lol. Share your tricks and techniques with me, won't ya?

Anonymous said...


RWA said...

Nice work on the "research" - you stalker!!!!

Just kidding.

That's hilarious about the "Backdraft-style fireman/ice cream fantasy" too.

Virginia Belle said...

coco -- oh, i totally would have done the same thing!

lenfer -- yay! glad you think so. yeah, she definitely gives off the high maintenance vibe.

scott -- i don't know what you're talking about. i'm not a stalker. these are all public records. ;) glad to know some guys would pick classy over trashy. there is hope for me. that is, if by "classy" you mean klutzy and shy and 20 lbs overweight....LOL

mieke -- OMG i would not be able to remain calm in a grocery store full of hottie firemen, all in their little outfits. i would just wander around w/an empty basket, trying desperately to remember what i am supposed to be buying. take pics for me next time you see them, ok? dang girl, share the wealth. and yes, i think WS is trying too hard. we all know how that turns out.

fluffycat -- yes, picking one would have been difficult. really difficult. and yes, i am questioning HN's taste in does come off as tacky/shallow. maybe he's looking for a trophy wife?

frog princess -- OOh! I like your thinking on WS. and yeah, one fireman i could probably have handled, but 5??? no way, jose.

teahouse -- yeah, unlike you, i wouldn't kick them out if they mistakenly entered my house! :)

becky -- i only have one pic, and it doesn't really do it justice. i'll send it to you anyway.

lowtide -- tag and release??? LOL i might just change her name to that! you cracked me up w/that. i like your theory, and i gotta say, the optimist in me (as small as she is) totally agrees w/you. i'm not a fallback plan B. i'm an improvement. i just have to wait for him to get the hoochies out of his system.

behind the curve -- oh girl, it's easy. there is sooooo much you can find out if you know someone's first and last name & their address. it's all public record. you can get a librarian to help you out. we love a good snooping. :)

anonymous -- yeah, i probably am. thanks for the heads up.

rwa -- there is sooooo much stuff out there about everyone under the sun. i just happen to know about it and how to find it because of my job. i like to think of myself as a more-informed citizen. oh, and btw, just about every girl has a fireman fantasy. throw in some ice cream, and i'm pretty much in heaven.

i'm sure MJ will now leave a comment in here about how she DOESN'T have a fireman fantasy as she probably finds them "fratty". LOL

Matilda Jane said...

What are you talking about? Firemen are HOT!
Dude... under different circumstances (ex. my parents not being there) I would have totally broken the ice, miss "I didn't look straight at him because I'm shy"

My Side of The Bed said...

Who goes out with a wingman who is collecting social security? That is insane. Insane! That is the cock-block of all cock blocks. Hilarous!


Burg said...

I tagged you for a meme.. I always get a kick out of your answers..

Virginia Belle said...

MJ-- oh. my bad. i didn't know you liked firemen. you strike me as more of the musician/artist type. this is good, though. we can troll for hottie firemen together. not that i'd ever date them seriously. they are the wednesday skanks of the male world.

blake -- i know! tell me about it! you wanna hang out with an old guy? go fishing! not to the bars!

burg -- oh girl. i will try to get to it tomorrow! thank you.

Blogger said...

I've just downloaded iStripper, so I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.