Friday, April 04, 2008

Mr. Comedian & The Cruise

A conversation with my boyfriend, via text message:

Me: I just saw your twin! [On a side note, this guy looked so much like CN, I did a double-triple take!]

CN: You saw Brad Pitt?

Me: *playing along* Yes! He's on campus for some reason.

CN: Tell him he owes me 8 bucks for that Meet Joe Black movie.

And earlier today on myspace:

Me: Babe! Did you know there might be a chocolate buffet on our cruise???!!

CN: Well, I guess if we get separated, I will know where to find you.

Ha. Ha. Mr. Comedian.

I haven't told you about the dream I had, have I? I had a dream the other night that CN and I were getting married. I was arguing with the lady at the dress store about the design of my wedding dress. It was (oddly enough) strapless and blue and white striped. The fabric was silky, and the stripes were small and even-width. There was embellishment at the bust. The dress looked very strange, actually. Ugly, even. No offense to you if you like striped wedding dresses., but this one did not look good. Obviously, if you are reading this and you know CN in real life, you are NOT allowed to inform him of this dream. On penalty of death. Dude, I'm not kidding. Zip it.

I know I said I would talk about the cruise today. Here's some stuff I want to share:

1. Our ship, the Celebration, is the second-oldest ship in the Carnival fleet. Its maiden voyage was in 1987, and the decor reflects this. (Hell-o neon signs and super-bright colors! Ugh.) But word on the streets is, they make up for this with their fantastic service. The maitre d is supposed to be hilarious. The Broadway-themed show is supposed to be great, one of the comedians is a riot and the waiters remember what drink you like to drink at dinner. The room service is super-quick and the cabin attendants are thoughtful. I know all of this because I have been reading all the passenger reviews on Cruise Critic.

2. This will be kind of a special cruise, because the Celebration has recently been sold to a Spanish tourism company, and this summer it will be re-fitted for that cruise line, which does not sail in North America. We will be on the next-to-last sailing of this ship for Carnival. And since we will be sailing out of Jacksonville, we get to go under this huge bridge when we leave port. It's supposed to be really cool. I will try to take pics so I can share.

3. The showers in the cabins are difficult to control. The water will run from icy cold to blistering hot, and then back again, with no warning. This will piss me off, I can already tell you. But if this is the biggest complaint, I think I will be ok. :)

4. I am living in fear of getting sea sick, since we all know I am Barf Queen. I am coming prepared with the following: dramamine, ginger snaps, ginger altoids and those magnetic bracelet things. I should be fine -- I was on a small boat cruise around Lake Michigan once, and I was fine. But I'm still freaking out. If I do get sea sick, at least I will not be able to eat anything and I will lose weight, right??? But dude, if there's a chocolate buffet, I am eating it, even if I am sick. I don't care.

5. A month or two ago, right after embarkation, the captain of the ship was notified by the U.S. Marshals and the FBI that he must not go into International Waters quite yet. Why? Because there was a convicted murderer on board, running from the law, and they needed to arrest him before they hit International Waters. Yeah. Wowza. How did I know about this interesting little factoid? There's a website that keeps track of all the reports of insanity and zaniness aboard cruise ships. You can also look up the safety record of all the ships.

I encourage you to browse around it if you're bored -- some of the stories are hilarious, like the drunk guy who climbed into the life boat. He grabbed an ax (don't ask me where he got an ax) and began chopping away at the rope holding the life boat. Security approached him and told him to stop and climb down. He did. But he was so drunk, he jumped the wrong way -- into the ocean. What a dumbass.

Other people submit their rants about being on the "cruise from hell". One family, which included two small children, found themselves on board a cruise that consisted mainly of swingers. LOL now THAT is funny. How would you handle that as a parent, you know? LOL I imagine it's something like this:

Little Bobby: Hey, Daddy, that man over there said that he wanted to come to our room tonight to party with you and Mommy. I told him that would be fun, because you said I don't have a bedtime while we are on the boat!
Daddy: *gulp!* Uh...ok, we will have to see about that.
Little Bobby: Daddy, what's a rubber?

6. Of course, we all know what I'm really excited about: the food. Duh. Between the burgers, ice cream, pizza, chocolate buffet, Mexican buffet, pancakes, waffles, bacon, filet mignon, salmon, lobster, shrimp, chocolate hot lava cake, free room service and all the Diet Coke I can drink for $20, I am really looking forward to it! I can order as many dinners and desserts as I want! This truly sounds like heaven to me. *Realization about the reason for my weight loss problems set in* Crap. I am going to gain 10 pounds. Crap. Crap. Crap. Ok, I will pack my work out clothes in the hopes that I will want to go for an on-deck run. Which sounds like a blast, actually.

7. There is a penny slot machine in the casino. I am not much of a gambler, but I do have a penny jar I am not using....WOOT. There's also trivia contests (CN and I love to do those), bingo, karaoke, chess, putt-putt golf, game show-type things and a hairy chest contest by the pool.

"You should enter that!" I said to CN.

"That's not funny," he replied. CN has approximately 4 hairs on his skinny little chest. LOL

"But that's why you will win! Don't you see? It will be hilarious!" I exclaimed.

He did not agree. But I'll try and talk him into it. Perhaps I can bargain with him by participating in karaoke. (I am NOT a karaoke person. I can't sing for squat, and I don't like being in the spotlight, literally or figuratively.)

8. The locals in The Bahamas are nice, but very pushy when it comes to selling you things. I am hoping there will be a plethora of fake designer hand bags, prices negotiable. And some cute jewelry.

Ok, that's all I can think of right now. I'm sure there will be more to share after this weekend. I have so much to do before I go:

find a beach cover-up
stock up on self-tanner and sunblock
find a wide-brimmed hat
possibly buy a new bikini
dye my roots (I can't take it anymore! I do not want yucky roots in my photos!)
weed my backyard
get Sammy ready for his trip to MJ's house while I'm gone
clean my house
burn a CD to commemorate the trip
give myself a manicure and pedicure
clean out my fridge
learn how to operate CN's new camera (he won't take the time to learn, he said)
start packing!!!

I leave on Thursday morning, so I will probably post again before I go. WOO HOO!!! Have a great weekend, everyone!


Meghan (The Declaration of MY Independence) said...

Wow! I cant believe its cruise time ALREADY!!! And yes, I was right. Totally the same ship I was on in October! How weird is that?!?! Here is some of my advice to you. Not sure if I already told you this on the phone when we spoke last, so if I'm repeating myself, feel free to tell me to "put a sock in it."

1. Be careful of seasickness on this ship. Its small for a cruise ship, and I'm not sure how the waters will be in April, but when we came in and out of Jacksonville in October, it was hell. Like, I couldnt even wear high heels, and most of the ship was MIA those two days b/c EVERYONE was seasick. We even saw someone throw up at dinner...gross! I was OK b/c I decided to take a steady flow of Dramamine, so make sure you do that, even if its only on the first and last days.

2. As for gaining weight, if your like me, you might not. I swear to you that I only ate 3 meals a day and that was it. And you know how much I LOVE to eat. I would get up, eat breakfast, and depending if we were docked or not a small lunch. Because if I was lying by the pool in my swimsuit, I didnt want to look like a pig eating my lunch. So I just got something small. If we were in port, same thing. My theory? If your in your baithingsuit most of the time, your not going to go crazy on the eating.

3. DO NOT miss the pool events (like the hairy chest contest)! They were my favorite things on the hillarious! They had a syncronized (sp??) swimming show too, and split up the teams into girls and guys. We were literally crying we were laughing so hard when it was time for the guys to do their "routine".

4. The reviews are right, the Maitre D is a riot!!! If you look on my myspace page, he's in one of the pics with my friend...he has the goofy light up glasses on. After this trip the quote "Its ahhhhhhh showtime!" will be a main staple in your vocabulary for a couple months.

5. And yes, the Broadway show is really good! We were going to skip out on it, but the gay guys we made friends with made us go...haha! So glad we did!

One more thing, if they have any Newlywed Shows on there, make sure you go. Theyre always a good time, esp. if there is an old couple up there!

I hope you have a good time, friend! Cant wait to see the pics!

Stella said...

You are going to have a great time! I once went on a river cruise on the MS River in New Orleans and had to stand outside because looking at the chandelier was making me dizzy.

RWA said...

My goodness.

This ship might not make a final voyage after you and CN get finished.

Have fun.

teahouse said...

Oooh, I just know you're going to have a grand ol' time on this cruise!

And when I was in law school I took maritime/admiralty law courses. There are some really cool international jurisdictional law issues, but about 80% of the cases we studied were slip and falls on cruise ships. So be careful!

Capricorn Cringe said...

I'm so jealous. I've always wanted to go on a cruise especially now that I know they have chocolate buffets!

Have a fabulous time :)

Virginia Belle said...

meghan-- you are so sweet to give me all those tips, girl. i am not TOO worried about seasickness, since i have been on smaller boats before and i was fine. but i'm bringing dramamine and ginger altoids just in case.

and i love your theory of bathing suits as diet aids. :)

stella-- that sounds like a cool cruise! i will try not to stare at the chandeliers. thanks for the heads up!

rwa-- what are you implying??? we will be totally responsible, mature adults. :)

teahouse -- thanks for the heads up. i will try not to fall on my ass, but i can't make any promises.

capricorn cringe -- i am not 100% sure we are having one. i am just keeping my fingers crossed. i am seriously daydreaming about it, though: brownies, pudding, candy, milkshakes, cake, cookies....*drools*