Monday, September 21, 2009

Probably the Biggest Post Ever

So after trying on a bazillion dresses at about 4 stores, I found The Dress.....

If you want to see a pic of the back, go to David's Bridal and search for style # CT 2406. It's exactly what I wanted -- lace, but still simple, under $1,000 and not too fluffy or Bridezilla-y. But before you get all excited, I have some other news, too.

While CN and I were in Virginia visiting The Czarina, we spoke with the pastor of my family's church in my hometown. He wanted to talk to us about getting some pre-wedding counseling and he wanted to ask us a bunch of questions.

He started with some basic ones which I think we handled ok. Then the questions started to get more involved. How are we working on the budget? Who will do all the housework? Who will be the primary caretaker of the children? How many kids do you want to have? Where will you live? Who brings home the bacon? etc.

We sort of muddled through, because to be honest, we had never really discussed any of these things too deeply. We had some ideas, but nothing definite. Then he gave us a questionnaire to fill out -- one for me and one for CN. We were supposed to fill them out separately, and then compare answers. We did it when we got back home to Savannah, but I already knew what would happen.

Our answers were pretty different. Our answers were different on BIG questions that are important. Like how do you picture your life in ten years? My answer: fun, exciting chaos -- lots of kids running around, possibly a new career, we might be living anywhere in the world, constant changes. His answer: living in Savannah. Same jobs. Maybe a kid. And a house.

Another question pointed out to me that we do not resolve issues properly (we basically drop them rather than get to the bottom of it) and that I have a small issue with his relationship with his mother (she is really needy and not independent AT ALL, which makes him feel like he can never move too far away, no matter what). I asked CN what would happen if I found a great job that would mean a better life for us and our kids.....but it's in Oregon. He said I would be moving there alone if that happened, because he can't move that far from his mom.

Wow. That's an eye opener.

He believes staying near your family is much more important than I do. He cannot fathom living somewhere that is not within a couple hours from his mom. This is a foreign concept to me. That's why planes, trains and automobiles were invented.

"What if your mom and I had a disagreement? Would you take my side or hers?" I asked.

"Well, that depends on who is right," he replied.

"Wrong answer," I said. "If I am the mother of your children, I have to come first. Period. When you marry me, I have to become your priorty, second only to God. Just like you would become my priority. That's what marriage is about. If your marriage is not first, that's a problem for me."

He could not see that.

After going through some more talking and discussing what we wanted from life and how we viewed marriage, our differences became really obvious to me. But I had seen this coming.

For a while.

For several months, actually.

A few months ago, I began to have some doubts about marrying CN. I even had a huge freak out and went to go visit MJ for a weekend to talk to her about it. I was so confused! I knew what I was feeling, but I couldn't verbalize it. She did a great job at listening to me, but not voicing her opinion. Exactly what I needed! I felt a little better. I kept telling myself, "It's not that big of a deal. You love each other. You will figure it out." or "Too late. You're marrying CN, so you made your bed. Now sleep in it."

These are NOT good thoughts, am I right?

I had a nagging voice in the back of my head. It was doubt. And if there is one thing I believe, it's that you should NEVER get married if you have any doubts. I began to realize that CN is lacking in some things I cannot live with. I love him to death, but I know it takes more than love to make a marriage work. He is perfectly happy with the same job, same house, same day in and out-- for the most part. He is not ambitious or very energetic or motivated to improve his life. He is not intellectually curious. Now, I am not knocking these things. I am sure there are plenty of wonderful people who are perfectly happy like this. But I am not one of them. That is not good. CN and I need to be on the same page with things, and we are not. When I think about a future w/CN, all I see is that everything will be my job:

where we live (It was my idea to move to Savannah, remember?)
how many kids to have
which job to take (I make more money than him, and he will probably never change jobs, so we will probably move according to my career, not his, which is an easily-transferred job anyway)
the housework (I do not mind being in charge of it, especially after seeing him do laundry!)
raising the kids (not that he would be a bad father -- he would be great. But I can tell I would be the one helping them with homework, putting them to bed, etc.)

Are you tired yet? Because I am exhausted when I think about this. CN is a passive participant in his own life. He has very few friends, and only talks to them when they call him. He has very few hobbies. I began to realize -- he's kind of boring. But how could that be?? I was so happy dating him! And then I realized: he is always willing to do what I want to do. He doesn't have any life or opinions outside of me. It's like dating myself! I like being busy, trying new things, working hard, taking risks. But I can't do it all. And since CN is so passive, I will be doing everything. All by myself. And during this process, CN will grow resentful of me for running the show all the time. When he does, and says something, I will have to back down and do what he wants for a change, which will make me resentful. We will fall into a vicious cycle of resentment. It will eat away at what we have. And what I need in a spouse, I will eventually want to get elsewhere. Not good. At all.

But I was not the only one who saw it. Before I left my mom's house, The Czarina pulled me aside after everyone went to bed. I had talked to her about this stuff a little before, in the weeks preceding this visit. But I had been so excited and wrapped up in getting married, I had sort of put it to the back of my mind.

She said to me, "I'm only going to say one thing. And if I'm wrong, then tell me to shut up and we will never have to talk about this again. He is a sweet guy, and I know you love him very much, and I can tell he loves you very much. But if you are making all the decisions, how is this any different than being single?"

As soon as she said this, I burst into tears and knew what I had to do. I think I was just waiting for someone to sort of give me permission to remember that there were no rings on any fingers yet. I didn't have to do it.

I broke it off last week.


The Frog Princess said...

I'm glad that you did what you thought was best for the both of you. I know it wasn't easy by any means of the imagination, and I know that this is no consolation right now, but I honestly think that you'll both be happier in the long run thanks to your decision.


Debbie said...

I know this had to be a hard decision, but you know you did the right thing.

It's better to figure out things now, before you buy a house, or have kids.


Len said...

Ouch. That was kind of unexpected! How do you feel about it now? *big big hugs*

You might feel like crap now, but I absolutely agree with the fact that you should only marry if you have no doubts about it. I think you did the right thing!

So are you still living together or how does that work?

I'd be interested about that pre-marital questionnaire. I had never thought about it but I think it's a great thing to do to check if two people will evolve in the same direction. Could you post it or email it to me? Please, please, please?

Smug said...

Oh baby girl! I am so sorry! Even when you are the one doing the breaking up, it is still painful and I feel for you!

Everyone else is right, you know that you did the right thing and even though it was painful to do, you did it. It is so easy to get caught up in the planning and buying and the whole idea of getting married and making your life with someone that you forget the big relationship stuff. I am very proud of you for seeing the big picture and doing what was best for you.

How did he take this? Any chance that this will spark him into action, to fight for you? Normally people who are so passive remain so, but you never know.

We are all here for you and will be thinking of you!!

Megan said...


Not to sound like a broken record, but you did do the right thing and it took major courage to do it. I am very proud of you.

I know this must be really difficult for you, but we are all here for you.

columbiacitygirl said...

That was so brave. It is really difficult to hurt someone that you care for so much.

I'm so glad you have MJ, and that your Mom was there for you too.

kimmykins13 said...

Oh dear - this was not what I expected to read. I don't know what to say right now except that I am thinking of you.

Snooch said...

Oh God, this was really unexpected! But hard as it might be right now, I'm sure you did the right decision, you should never marry anyone while you have second thoughts!

CN seems to be a great guy, just he's not meant for you, on the long run.

How are you right now? How is he? Are you two still together, or by calling off the wedding, you broke up too?

But honestly, hats off for you for being this strong! I hope you are okay and fine, let us know what's going on! :**

Scotty said...

'But if you are making all the decisions, how is this any different than being single?'

I am actually impressed with the Czarnias' question, it's a very good one.

Relationships, are *usually* two-sided. Constantly giving, constantly taking, to and from each other.

Nevertheless, there are people that are happy to always give, or always take. As well as people who embrace change (moving to a new place) and people who don't like it (stay in same place entire life).

Marrying someone is a life decision. You finding a person that fits it your life, and having a person find you where you fit in their life - isn't easy. It takes work, and sometimes making a relationship is work.

I think I can speak for a lot of people when I say that what you did took a great deal of courage. Whether you're going to try and make it work or do something else, waiting has never hurt anyone. Taking things too early/fast can.

cmk said...

I don't know what to say.


Kari said...

To repeat, that had to be a extremely hard decision but best for you. I'm sorry :(

Becky said...

i have chills. goosebumps. wow. this was so powerful to read and then i got to the end and just wow. i'm sorry sweetie. i know that was so hard for you to do. i know it had to have been. and yet, it was the right choice for you. keep us posted on how you are. xoxoxox

Fluffycat said...

Wow, I was surprised to read this too. Hard thing to do, but sounds like you are taking care of yourself and doing what you need to do. After meeting tons of people who ended up just marrying someone and not the right someone, easier to end things earlier than later. Hope you are doing well.

GrewUpRural said...

I was in a similar position to yours over two years ago. We weren't planning to get married any time soon, but I had a realization that I would be the one doing everything in the relationship/marriage. I already knew this because we were together for over seven years and I was doing almost everything for most of the seven years.

I commend you on your bravery and honesty. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.

I must say it is nice to have someone like MJ just to listen to you. I had someone like MJ and it made a difference. I hope you are doing well.

sarphill said...

Oh, wow, I had goosebumps and my heart just fell out at the end for you, sooo unexpected. But wow, you wrote a really amazing post, and articulated all the concerns perfectly. I am very proud of you. And the one thing that stood out the most was about how you have to be the number one priority in his life after God. He will always love his mom, but you have to be first, and I am very proud of you for saying that point blank to him! All your other concerns were valid as well, and you made the right decision, regardless of what happens next. I know this took a lot of strength and courage to do, but like you said, if you're having doubts, better to get out of it before it's too late. I hope you are doing well, but I know you are an amazing woman and are handling it with the grace you always do.

(M)ary said...

wow. i'm speechless.

Capricorn Cringe said...

I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you and CN. Like every else said, you did the right thing. I'm glad your mother was there for you and had the courage to say something.

teahouse said...

You did the right thing, hon. I'm emailing you right now.

Stuck said...


That's really all I have to say about it.

Coco said...

I really admire you for being so brave. In a situation like that it would be SO easy to just stay in this safe little relationship, where, admittedly, you've been happy. Such a scary thing to do-but you weren't just thinking of what was best for you, but best for CN too. You are pretty amazing :)-and I hope you both end up finding exactly what you need.

Jonathan Zero said...

Damn. But you have to do what is best for you.

NancyM said...

Oh my. I'm so sorry bc I know how stressful (yes, I do) what you're going through is, but also so very proud of you for assessing, in an honest way, what your concerns are. Too many don't. Or do, but are afraid to stop the ball from rolling, even if they fear it'll roll right over themselves.

Take a (yet another, I'm sure) deep breath and feel how calm your center is now. Not the stressful swirling stuff about family emotions, and day to day interactions, which are going to be stressful for some time, but your center. Value that. And stop and do it as many times as you need to.

And take it from me, the more you've evaluated what you want and need from life and who you'd enjoy spending it with you (be it friends OR family), the more in position you'll be to find those that support your personality and work towards your ideals. And it's a lifelong process.

Sincere affection going out to you, and sympathy for the stress you're dealing with. Hang in there.


Lexie Lou said...

Wow! Amazing post for what must have been a very hard decision! At least you realized that you had to do it before you had fallen all the way down the rabbit hole.

Sam said...

I am so damn proud of you! You made a VERY good decision, and I know that it was hard. GOOD FUCKING JOB, YO!!!!