Saturday, January 02, 2010

BYOB in the New Year

That's Bring Your Own Baggage, by the way. Certainly nothing to do with alcohol in my life! But if I did still drink, I would have a nice tall frosty one right now. Actually, make that some tequila shots.

CN is on a date.

As in....right now.

At dinner. With some girl.

And I'm ok with it. For the most part. It's kind of weird. There is a twinge of jealousy, I am not going to lie. Part of me feels like I should be the one to move on first, since I broke it off. In a lot of ways, I have moved on. But when he told me what he was doing tonight, it was all that much more evident to me that I am NOT NOT NOT ready to date anyone right now. No way, Jose. Flirt, yes. Check out a cute guy? Totally. Date? Nonononono. The thought of going on a date is just surreal to me at the moment. I want me time. Lots and lots of me time.

I'm kind of sad, though. Not only do I know it's over (obviously), but now I know that he knows it, too.

I have been psyching myself up all weekend to get going on resuming my diet/exercise regime. It's an annual event. Ha! Feeling all positive about myself....and wham. The ex has a date. And here I am, I weigh a ton (I am now too fat for my underwear....that's not a good sign), I cannot even remember how to date (because I am not putting myself out there because I am terrified), my self-esteem is rock bottom (due to weight issues) and I am now having a pity party while he's moving on. Good times. Please pass the Haagen-Daz.

I have been beating myself up all day about the fact I haven't really started dieting or exercising yet. Oh, and today (of course!) I was going through some old junk, and ran into all my leftover wedding planning stuff. As I am looking at it, feeling a little sad, he yells down the hall to tell me what his plans are for the evening. Classic.

The optimist in me won't let me throw it away, though. I kept all the torn out pictures of wedding dresses I like and kept the planner. It's now in storage in the garage.

So this news is kind of bad timing more than anything else. My esteem was already in the tanker. I am NOT going to have a pity party. I refuse. (Note: I have been sobbing through this entire post, so that is actually a bald-faced lie.) Feeling sorry for myself will only keep me miserable and let me remain overweight. I have GOT to pull up my bootstraps and get going with my life, instead of letting it take over and running the show. I am in charge. ME.

I am NOT too old. I am NOT too fat. I am NOT giving up. I am going to make this year ROCK if it's the last thing I do. I have two coworkers who want to exercise and lose weight, too, so I have buddies. One of them is single, too, and we've already talked about The Hot Girl Lifestyle. We will own it in 2010.

Things I am looking forward to:
1. I (think) I am buying a laptop soon. YAY! This will enable me to blog more/read blogs more, since I can get out of the house and have some computer privacy. (The lack of privacy, along with work's insanity have both played a role. I miss the blogosphere!) Anyone know who has free wi-fi? (On a semi-related note, is wi-fi trustworthy? Can I shop safely?)

2. Exercise. I cannot wait to run again. (You will notice I am notnotnot looking forward to the "diet" portion of the Sexy New Me program...) I already got new work out pants.

3. Moving. Again. (I am such a nomad, aren't I?) I don't know when. Perhaps I will need my own place sooner than I realized! I have been aching for it, lately. I'd hate to do it again so soon, and leave him with the big rent to pay all by himself, but I gotta do what I gotta do. I don't like the floorplan of this place, anyway. And I miss walking to work. Perhaps I can hold out until March, when the weather is nicer.

4. Getting back in touch with Single VB. She's been gone a loooong time, and hasn't really come out yet. I have been in my little comfort zone on the couch. Time to get out and about, doing things I want to do, fat or not. All work and no play makes VB a dull girl. And who wants to date a dull girl?

I am exercising tomorrow at 9am. I will be making my first *healthy* trip to the grocery store in a long time tomorrow, too. Now, if only I could find all my Weight Watchers paraphernelia...


Alison said...

You have the right attitude, VB, and it's always better with workout buddies---you can keep each other motivated and accountable when you just don't feel like working out.

Happy 2010! Chin up, girl!

The Frog Princess said...

Are you kidding? You're TOTALLY going to rock this year!

P.S. My underwear doesn't fit right now either! I'll be your gym cheerleader if you'll be mine!

Christina said...

2010 is going to ROCK for you! You're off to a great start with a positive and motivated attitude. And I am right with you on the 40 pounds to freedom. We can help motivate each other. Get a mini laptop so you can blog more and help all of us stay motivated. They are the best. Best of luck to you!! Happy 2010!

Snooch said...

I'm too with you on the loosing weight part, I definitely need to loose weight, because the issues I'm having with my self-confidence won't let me find a nice guy to go out with...
So, even if oceans apart, but I'll be your workout buddy too! ;)

Heads up, you're awesome and we all will have a wonderful 2010, because we deserve it! ;)

columbiacitygirl said...

I'm thinking positive thoughts for you. You are amazing and strong, and I know you will make this a great year.

Do you ever get back to Columbia? Did you sell your house?


cmk said...

I don't even talk about my weight anymore--it is THAT bad. :( BUT, this is the year I have to try to do something--too many meds being taken to calm down problems I could possibly eliminate with weight loss. Losing weight WILL happen for me, eventually. You actually DOING it is way ahead of me. ;)

Free wi-fi? Don't both Starbucks and Barnes & Noble have? McDonalds's, too, I believe. I'm sure you can put some app on your laptop to make it secure when surfing/shopping the interwebs in public. Google it--PCWORLD, PCMAG, MAXIMUMPC, CNET, etc, would probably have the answer.

LK said...

Don't feel bad, my underwear doesn't fit either. I start my diet tomorrow! Kay Sue has Scott's wedding in July, so we are making this a team effort.
2010 will be great! Hang in there!

Megan said...

You can do this! You are one tough cookie - of course it is a high fiber, fat free cookie.

SJP said...

You can do it, girl!!! I just know 2010 is going to be awesome! I can feel it!! This is it! This is the year!! You've been such a fun inspiration to all your readers, so now it's time for us to do it to you!!! You'll be sweating and feeling great at the gym in no time, and all your CN cares will be miles away!!

Love The Hot Girl Lifestyle. I'm totally on that kick right now too. Granted, it's only Jan 4, so I've been good so far, but this time I mean it! We all mean it!

kimmykins13 said...

I just came back to work today since the holidays. I put my khaki pencil skirt on this a.m. that used to be loose and it now fits (snug)especially around the stomach/hips. I could pull it out about 4 inches before - now only about 1 inch **UGH**. I haven't started the diet yet but I fully intend on doing so as soon as all the holiday goodies are gone. Good luck to you - You can do it! You have done it before. Unfortunately for some of us it is a never ending saga of up and down, up and down.

Smug said...

Welcome back! Getting back to working out and eating better will help with the self esteem issue! My underwear don't fit either, of course that could be the 8 months pregnant thing :) I will be right with you on the dieting and working out thing in a matter of weeks - so I will try to help you stay motivated! So glad to have you back!!

The Popcorn Bowl said...

Starbucks has wifi, free for 2 hours with drink purchase (or at least where I live), a ton of bookstores, restaurants. Wish I could be more specific. I can always put you in touch with my guy friend in Sav who likes trannies?! What? Why are you running away?

Meghan (The Declaration of MY Independence) said...

Yay I miss Single VB!

Alex and I had the roughest year to date and I unfortunately dealt with it by over eating. About 25 lbs of over eating to be exact.

I'm all about the diet and exercise if you want another diet buddy!

Its great that you want to lose weight, but please remember your a gorgeous girl no matter what size you are.

I miss you!

Meghan (The Declaration of MY Independence) said...

Yay I miss Single VB!

Alex and I had the roughest year to date and I unfortunately dealt with it by over eating. About 25 lbs of over eating to be exact.

I'm all about the diet and exercise if you want another diet buddy!

Its great that you want to lose weight, but please remember your a gorgeous girl no matter what size you are.

I miss you!

PomJob said...

I didn't realize how long it had been since I last checked in with you - it's a drawback to your posts being private, no Reader feeds. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about you and CN, but it sounds like it was for the best and you're both moving on. My sister says now that she never wanted to marry her ex-husband but was too afraid to say anything. It takes courage to recognized something isn't right and fix it.

BTW, you're so not fat. You're adorable! I too need to get back to the gym, but I'm dreading it because of all the extra resolution people. Maybe next week will be better?

NancyM said...

Make it your goal to be FIT, rather than being bummed out by a fear of being fat. FIT comes in all shapes and sizes, and a robust fit woman is definitely sexier than a non-fit twig.

Yeah, we women need more recovery time then men seem to (or we need less immediate reinforcement than they do!) Take it at your own speed, and don't let his socializing get you down. Concentrate of doing things that you enjoy, and then try to let socializing happen within that context. Increases the odds that you'll meet like-minded folks (men and women!) and takes the pressure off, big time.

2010 is going to be YOUR year. New decade, new outlook, new phase of your life. And it's going to be awesome!

Capricorn Cringe said...

I think it's always hard to see/feel the end of something - even when we know it's the right thing.

2010 will be a great year for you. I just know it.

don said...

I've been single for too long, and I always think I'm never ready for dating. Well I've got a date this weekend, and ready or not you just gotta go for it.

Plus, who says skinny women are that attractive? I hope you work out to stay healthy but not just to be skinny.

teahouse said...

You go girl! 2010 is going to be a wonderful year for you, I just know it. We're all here pulling for you!!

Fluffycat said...

Good time of year to make these resolutions, and having a single friend at work will help a lot with getting back in touch with single VB.

I think that whomever this girl CN is going out with, she's prob going to run screaming when she finds out he's living with his ex-fiancee. Just saying. :D

Coco said...

You know, I am not one to make New Year's Resolutions. I don't know why, maybe because it seems so cliche? But, I am all for making changes in your life for the better-and if that happens to coincide with a new year? well, so be it. :)

I am feeling much the same way, and have convinced myself to consistently work out for the last two weeks after months and months of not doing it at all . . .and watching what I eat as well. And, it will definitely be hard-but will give you a feeling of "yeah me!"

And trust me-I am older, singler (is there such a thing? different spectrums of single-ness? this should be discussed), and fatter than you are. :) Doesn't mean you can't change, and doesn't mean life sucks all together! haha

Good luck and go get what you want!

Becky said...

happy 2010 and i'm glad you're doing ok...even if CN is dating first.

Scotty said...

Happy 2010!

"The Hot Girl Lifestyle" - that made me laugh :)

Ummm... hellooo. You're pretty awesome. If you weren't there wouldn't be this many people sticking by your side through all of this!

From personal experience, when I *feel* fit, I know it.. and it makes a difference in just about everything. Confidence. I know you loved running before, so hopefully you can find that again!

Free wifi - McDonalds, Starbucks (you just have to have one of their free member cards, and register it), Barnes and Noble, and my personal fav - Borders.

SJP said...

Oh my gosh! Can we get a new post please!?!?!