Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Crushed Potpourri?

No theme to this post. Just random tidbits I've been meaning to share. A mish-mashed potpourri, so to speak. Ok, maybe there is a theme, which will be evident later...but first.....

Forgot to post a Fun Friday entry. As punishment, I found an extra site for you. Thanks to my coworker L and Lady Starfish for showing/reminding me of these funny sites.

Peeps Research (in honor of Easter)

You've heard of Pimp My Ride. Well, check out Pimp My Snack.

Has anyone else been getting a lot of junk email lately, out of nowhere? I never used to get it, and suddenly I am. I don't think it's spyware, because the junk emails have nothing to do with sites I visit. I mean, really, I am not interested in buying stock or Viagra. Those words are not even used in my vocabulary, let alone my web surfing. I haven't changed my security settings on my email...it's weird. Not to mention annoying and ego-deflating. "Wow! I have 43 new messages....oh. Not really. Dang!"

Question for Blogger: For blogs that require word verification before you can leave a comment, why not use real, actual words, instead of "xxghiuz" or "rhqil"? It's so much easier to type "zebra" or something. Help us out, Blogger. Sheesh.

I'm wondering if I'm a commitment-phobe since it took me 5 years to commit to getting a dog. At this rate, I'll get married when I'm 73 and buy a house when I'm 49. And just forget kids! My ovaries will be shriveled beyond recognition by the time I am ready to commit the time and energy.

So there's something I haven't shared yet and have been meaning to: I have some secret crushes. One is my hot neighbor. K and I both think he's adorable. Other than some friendly "hey!"s we haven't talked. He does kinda make me wish I was single....is that bad? I've noticed there is no girl around at his place, but he tends to go out of town on the weekends. Hmmm... Shut up! I'm not going to do anything! I'm not like that. It's just that usually when I have a boyfriend, other men become invisible to me. This little harmless crush probably means I'm not in love with Repo. Not that it couldn't happen. It just hasn't happened yet. I think I'm holding back on my emotions because he doesn't seem to be in love with me. I mean, he likes me, but that's a long ways away from being in love with someone. I am not going to invest my emotions when he's not doing it either. Although, he has been really sweet lately...and he kept staring at me last night....but I could have had something stuck in my teeth for all I know!

Crap! I'm not supposed to blog about that kind of stuff. Moving on...

My other secret crush is at home (at The Czarina's house). Are you sitting down? She's trying to fix me up with this really cool and super-cute guy. I know. I think this is groundbreaking history in the making. Who can say that their mom is actually fixing them up with a hottie? It definitely makes up for the weirdo she fixed me up with in high school. That guy was basically my opposite--he loved Jethro Tull. Eww, eww eww. (No offense to any Tull fans, but I really hate that music.) I am a huge rap fan. Do the math. That was just the beginning of how badly we meshed.

So this fix-up guy, I'll call him Mr. Cool. Why? Because he has a great dog. And it goes with him everywhere. No exceptions. It goes with him to work, to the store, everywhere. The friggin' dog will wait outside of church while he attends it with his mother! It just sits there. Waiting. Know what he does in his spare time? He rides bulls. Yeah, as in he's a sexy cowboy who rides wild animals, risking life and limb just for some fun. How hot is that?? Yee-ha! Saddle me up. Did I mention that he's really really good to his mother, who is trying to fix me up with him, too? (I'm already in with the Moms! Yess!) Did I mention that he is a structural engineer whose job it is to oversee multi-million dollar building projects? Again, how cool is that? He even lives in Richmond, Va. I love Richmond. It's only an hour from The Czarina's house. Even my brothers like him. Oh, are you ready for the bonus? He has a great ass. Just great.

So...the problem? He has no idea I'm breathing right now. Oh, I've met him. He acted like he was being introduced to a distant relative. Polite, nice, but that's it. Not an ounce of interest in me, as I was standing there, falling all over myself, drool pooling on my collar. "Please please please let me have your babies," I thought as I stared maniacally at him. He's the coolest guy I've ever met and it's never going to happen. Dang! I'll just have to pine away for him, I guess. It's better to have someone like Repo, who appreciates me and wants to be with me. I really should stop with the Mr. Cool crush. It would help if I never saw him again, but I know that won't happen. Every time I go home...

Speaking of crushes...so I'm minding my own business at work the other day. Just sitting at the desk...when someone calls my name. I look up to see an attractive guy who looks vaguely familiar. He sits down and we begin to catch up, while I'm racking my brain trying to remember who the heck he is. Bits and pieces surface from my memory: His name is M, I met him through L....I think we dated...or something. Meanwhile, I'm trying to have a conversation with him. He remembers everything about me, despite the fact that it had been about 3 years since we had hung out. It was kind of unnerving. I get freaked out when people seem to know more about me than vice versa. We had a nice conversation, and I was left wondering why he had never made it to Boyfriend Status with me. Then I started to get this nagging feeling in the back of my brain: He pissed me off about something. He deceived me, I think. There was some guilt on my part.... But I couldn't remember! I figured it was just my imagination, so I went back to doing what I was doing.

Later on in the day, it hit my brain like a train wreck. The memories flooded back: It was a fix-up. But I was sorta-kinda seeing The Big Ex, who was in Afghanistan at the time. (It was rocky between us at the time.) M and I hit it off, and were starting to head down the dating path, despite my feelings of guilt about it. (I don't do well with open-ended relationships. Even though things were rocky between me and Big Ex.) There was a lot of chemistry. And you know where that leads....then M confessed. He wasn't exactly divorced yet. Just separated. Yeah, he was telling me this after I was naked. (Luckily, it was before...) The rest is foggy, but I think I threw him out of my apartment and vowed to hate his guts ever after....or something like that.

My coworkers had seen him talking to me, and wanted the scoop. I told them generally what had happened, and one of them said M had been wearing a wedding band. Oh boy. I would like to just avoid him altogether, because all I can think now is "He's seen me naked. He was still married. He IS still married." and I'm totally mortified. So now I have to hide in my office when he comes in to the library. I am not cool with being The Other Woman! This is not a goal to which I aspire! Now he comes in all the time. And he always tries to talk to me. He always asks about Repo--you know, keeping track of my relationship status just in case. Good grief! My past is haunting me!

Speaking of Repo (wow, this post just has all kinds of circles in it! Round and round we go!), his eye is better, but now the doctor says he has this abscess. (Warning: if you have a sensitive stomach, you probably don't want to click on that.) I think it's related somehow to his original eye injury, because it is near his eye. Doc said Repo could have gotten infected when he was in the emergency room or during the fight--there's no telling. Doc had to send a sample to the lab to see what kind of bacteria it is so he'll know what kind of antibiotics to give Repo. I'm not getting into details, but it's pretty much the grossest thing ever. One half of his whole face is really swollen. And he's in a lot of pain. He just called me to say it looks a lot better today--the swelling is down and it's not as painful, thanks to his treatment yesterday and his very strong medicine. So he went to work, even though he's probably a week away from it being healed up.

While at work, the (*ahem*) gauze came out. (Yes, I said "out", not "off". Use your imagination.) That's not supposed to happen. So he's got to go to the doctor now. Do you know what his boss (whom I will now refer to as The Pig) said? "Well, you can go to the doctor on your lunch break." Can you believe that s--t?? I mean, if one of your employees comes to you with a swollen, bleeding, gaping sore on the side of their head, I really don't think it's too much to ask that they be allowed to go to the doctor. So now, Repo doesn't get a lunch break today. He doesn't eat breakfast and he doesn't get off work until 9 pm, so he doesn't get to eat today--12 hour shifts apparently do not warrant more than one break. *VB does the angry dance of rage.*

The Pig should be glad I wasn't there to hear this go down, because I would have pummeled him on the skull with a stapler or something until he pleaded with me for mercy on his soul. Then I would have stomped him in the crotch--with my cute high heeled sandals-- as he lay before my feet, begging. *VB leaves to daydream this scene for a moment.*

When I get off work, I'm going to take Repo some food. Poor disgusting thing. (I must like someone to see them when they look like he does! Trust me! It's nasty!) He says he feels hideous and won't appear in public.

"I look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame!"
he keeps saying, emphatically. What a drama queen.

"No, sweetie, you look worse than that," I reply.

Then he gets mad.

Then I call him Pus Head.

Then he tells me to shut up or he'll infect me. (It is contagious if I were to touch the wound. Um, ew. Like I would get near that thing. As if.)

Then I tell him that he'd better go to the doctor or else his entire head will get infected-- his eyes, his nose, or--worse yet--his ears. (Gah! There is something about ear problems that just grosses me out beyond belief!!!) "Then your head will have to be amputated," I explain, "But actually, now that I think about it, that would be an improvement."

"I hate you," he replies.

We've had this conversation about four times now. Poor baby.


Lori said...

Ditto on the Viagra emails! I'm like, "hellooo, I don't have a penis and the person in my life who does, doesn't need it" Please stop with the viagra spam. Have a good day!

Anonymous said...

Ma'ams! It is Lady Starfish! I totally am sympathetic to the random junk emails. When I worked at CCB, I received them constantly. I even got one who's title was, "Tired of Life? Try Valium." I actually forwarded that one to people because it was so weird, but whatever. Just wanted to let you know that I totally enjoyed reading your blog. You know I am a religious reader! I am sorry Repo's puss bag is still kind of bad. I hope it heals. Also - who is this married man you are speaking of? I cannot remember him. You have to remind me who he is!!!!

Madam Starfish Ma'ams

Stephanie A. said...

I love potpourri posts! Btw, I tagged you for one of those annoying memes.

jennster said...

LMFAO woman! good lord!!! did you read my blog about the fucking comment verification SHIT?? i hate it! HATE IT!

and wtf? you just mentioned so many guys in 1 post, my head exploded

Vixen said...

Awww man, I hope Repo's eye fixes up soon. His boss is really a PIG! And an asshole at that.

Yeah, you really did go into alot of your crushes, but I managed to stay afloat--thank goodness.

I love the fact you call your mom the Czarina. It's so chic!

Stuck said...

Can you show me the "angry dance of rage" next time we hang out? Is there lots of hip-swaying, or it is mostly arms and feet?

Virginia Belle said...

ok, this post has produced the best comments ever. i just love my little readers!!! you all crack me up.

lori--i know! it's so obvious they don't even do their homework! kinda like this one time when a political party called for a donation from me and i informed them that i was registered for the OTHER party. you'd think they'd check that before making phone calls. morons.

lady starfish, aka Ma'ams--yesss! i love it when you comment. i am not surprised you forwarded the junk email. that is so you. and the reason why you don't remember the separated man is because it was a one-time thing and i've been (obviously) trying to block it out of my memory ever since! we'll talk. maybe you can help me remember more, because i'm fuzzy about it....

stephanie-- ok, secret confession: i would love to have a meme and have been hoping to be tagged! i am so doing it today!!!! woo-hoo!!! i'm such a sucker for popularity. blame it on the fact that i was a total nerd until my sophomore year of high school, when i blossomed into the hot babe that i am today. *VB cracks herself up*

jennster-- yeah, i figured i wasn't the only one who had a beef about that. i just wish they used real words. it would be so much easier! and you'd better get used to all the men in my life! i'm totally boy crazy! you can take notes if you want. there will be a test later.

vixen-- thanks for the sympathy for my boyfriend. if he knew about this blog, i'm sure he would say thanks. and yes, his boss is a pig's ass. i call my mom Czarina because she is definitely running a tight ship. talk about wearing the pants! she rules the roost with an iron fist. she even has it embroidered on her robe: "The Czarina". what a dork.

stuckey-- the angry dance involves a lot of stiff limbs, sort of like when a little kid throws a temper tantrum and makes his whole body rigid out of sheer frustration and stubborness. if you can't picture this, i'll show you. :)

CharlestonGuy said...

I hope Repo suffers horribly for another month or so - and then loses sight in his eye completely. And then half his face falls off. And then you dump him for being a one-eyed half-faced loser.

Maybe after all that he will think next time before starting a fight with random strangers over nothing.

Virginia Belle said...

CG-- ok, you had your harsh moment! enough! i really think he's learned his lesson. he hasn't even consumed alcohol since then!

and no, i'm not mad. i'm just saying enough's enough.

NML said...

Jaysus I had to go for a lunch break to keep up with this post ;-) Sometimes when we act distant or hold back, our partners pick up signals so in turn react to it and it's a vicious circle. Maybe if you let go, he'll let go. Although of course...you want him to let go before you do...Hmm...complex ;-) Lotta crushes! Very funny x