Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Lady Starfish Goes Camping

Another guest post. LS went camping this past weekend. That is like Yours Truly going camping. We are Indoor Girls. We don't really do hard core outdoor adventures. Unless someone drags us. Lady Starfish's boyfriend, J, suckered her into this misery last weekend...

"I know how much you love lists so I thought I would break down my vacation into a list for you!

87,000 – The number of miles it felt like I traveled to get to this camping spot. We went to Smithfield, Virginia. Actually, I got off work at six p.m. and we left a.s.a.p. We then drove three and a half hours to Martinsville, Virginia (where his parents live). We arrived there around 11:00 p.m. Then we got in the R.V. and took off along with his parents. We arrived at our destination at five a.m.

43 – The number of mosquito bites I received from sitting outside near a river where mosquitoes migrate. They are all over me. I have one on my knee that somehow blistered. It is gross. They covered J as well.

19 – The number of gallons I sweated this weekend due to extremely humid temperatures and the fact that the air conditioning broke in the RV on Saturday. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that it was 135 degrees outside….in the shade. I swear my clothes fit looser since I came back due to how much I have sweated. I think I am permanently dehydrated. HA!

60 – The number of hours it felt that I slept this weekend. There was literally nothing to do there. It wasn’t even a campground. It was a dock in the middle of no where. There were two other couples besides us. They consisted of a 60 year old couple who were the funniest older people ever. And a forty year old couple that was nice but the wife was weird. I think she had an eating disorder. She refused to eat. Whatever. I helped myself to multiple portions of food at every meal.

155 – The number of degrees it felt like it was inside the RV. The air conditioning worked Saturday night for a while but then stopped. C (J’s dad) had it working for a short time on Sunday but it died again 20 minutes later. We were so hot and miserable on Sunday afternoon that we decided to go ahead and go back to J’s mom and step-dad’s house. That included the 4 hour trip with no air conditioning.

1 – The number of tickets we got on the way back. A state trooper gave C&C (the rents) a ticket because they forgot to get their inspection sticker updated….oops. Public Service Announcement from VB: Do NOT mess with Virginia State Troopers. They are assholes. You cannot--I repeat--cannot get out of tickets with these guys. So never ever ever speed in Virginia. And make sure your decals are all squared away before driving there.

53 million – The number of times I was annoyed with J this weekend. He got on this kick that he wanted me to go fishing with him. I had told him all week that I had no desire to go. So then of course he takes me to Wal-Mart to the gun and tackle department to get me a fishing license. Cecil – the weird Christian guy who waited on us – asked me how many days I wanted to have it. I asked him if I could just have a license by the hour. That should tell you that I don’t want to go. J pesters me continuously about it anyway. I agree to go out on the dock with him to fish on Saturday night. I was thinking, ‘Wouldn’t it be cool if I came out here and caught some huge fish and everyone would be so impressed? That would be the best.’ Instead – the first time I throw the rod out, I end up breaking the reel. I messed up something that had to do the fishing line getting caught in the reel. Oh well.

1 – Number of disgusting smells that I had to smell. They use some sort of “bloody innards” to fish with. It was in a bowl and you had to get it out with a spoon. It stunk and when I say stunk, I mean RANK. Combine that smell with Off Mosquito Repellant, sunscreen and lake water and you have J.

3 – Number of cool boats I got to see while I was there. And just ask me what boats they were??? It was the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria. Have you ever seen them? I am guessing since you are a historian and from Virginia you probably have. They were so cool! It was unbelievable how small they were considering they sailed across the ocean. Which leads me to the next thing I saw…..

1 – The number of snakes I saw while I was there. While we were sitting in the boat looking at Christopher Columbus’ ships, a Water Moccasin swam up to us. It was creepy and gross. But oddly enough, not marinating in tomato sauce. By the way, what is up with your beyond weird dream? That has to be the weirdest dream I have ever heard. First off, I love it that you are behind the deli counter doing your shopping. Then why are you being pressured into eating free samples from the deli worker? It is like you were at a deli from the underworld!

613 bazillion – The number of stupid jokes J had this weekend. He started the new saying, “Why don’t you come over here and give me some sloppy in my mouth” – meaning a kiss. How sweet, huh? He also told me that my breath smelled like a yeast infection. Here are some more fun jokes with J:

We were lying in the bedroom in the RV on the way back home with the windows open and he turns to me and says, “You remind me of the girl in the Exorcist” It was pretty clever because we were lying in a room that was moving and the curtains were blowing everywhere and I was lying on a bed. I told him he reminded me of the priest.

Last weekend we saw the stupid movie “See no Evil”. It is really dumb. Anyway, the guy that kills everybody was always taking his finger and running it down girls’ faces to their chests. J and I thought this was hilarious. So he started re-enacting that part of the movie. Now it is played and just gets on my nerves. So he did that about 3 billion times.

Also, I started saying, “Cee—YA!” when we would get off the phone instead of “I love you.” So now he says it ALL the time. I am so sick of hearing Cee--YA!. He said that about 13 trillion times this weekend.

And he has this stupid new way he kisses me. He looks at me so over-intently that it is weird. Then he slowly takes his hands and runs them through my hair and holds on to it and pulls me toward him. It is just stupid. Then he laughs hysterically about how funny it is. He realizes it is weird and that is what he thinks is so funny.

And for some reason he refers to himself as a “party animal”. I don’t know how. We don’t ever go out.

I told him this weekend that no one I have ever dated as ever managed to get on my nerves, except him. And it is the truth. I love him with all of my heart and I wouldn’t break up for anything in this world, but he irritates the living p*ss out of me sometimes.

Well I guess that is it for now. I will try to email you more in a minute."

And then Lady Starfish read my post about my Embarrassing Moment #1 and had this to say:

"I just read your blog regarding your panty adventure. That is so weird because I found an old strapless bra in my car and I put it in J’s backpack hoping it would fall out while he was at school. I then forgot about it. A week and a half later J annoyingly asked me if I planned to get my bra out of his backpack. He said that he kept pulling it out with his books and would have to put it back in his backpack. Maybe it is because he is such a “party animal” that it didn’t bother him!"


teahouse said...

Wow..sounds like quite a weekend. Mosquito bites are the worst..but I am strangely turned on by the smell of Off. I know, it's weird.

Stuck said...

An RV is not really camping. A tent is camping. Even better, a piece of tarp tied between 3-4 trees to sleep under... THAT'S camping!

Christina_the_wench said...

CEE-Ya! Bawahahaha

Good post. Very funny, girl!

The Dummy said...

Uh, I thought getaways were supposed to be fun?

Virginia Belle said...

teahouse--yes, that is weird. maybe the boy should take you camping...

stuck-- you are crazy. sleeping under a tent is just inhumane.

christina--thanks. promise i will check out your blog! promise!

DD--yeah, camping isn't a getaway. it's outdoor torture. for indoor girls, anyway! :)