Friday, June 02, 2006
The Dangers of Vicodin
Warning: Do not attempt to bake when under the influences of Vicodin and its derivatives. You will blatantly ignore the recipe directions (The recipe "Doesn't know what it is talking about!") and force the cake out of the pan before it cools. This results in half the cake sticking to the pan. Actually, you won't care because you're on Vicodin.
Warning: Vicodin has also been proven to make certain daily activities 300 times more difficult. These activities include: measuring ingredients for cakes, setting the timer for the baking of said cake, talking to your boss, using the telephone, answering questions, being at work, driving, reading anything other than magazines with lots of pictures, writing, typing, climbing stairs, remembering things and thinking. You are well advised to avoid doing these activities while on Vicodin.
Look, Ma! I took all these pills today! Some of them made me want to barf. But I'm ok.
It was really fun going to work after taking these.
Ok, some of them are vitamins, but whatever. That's still a lot of pills.
So now I have a baby abscess. It doesn't hurt as much, it doesn't need to be stuffed. (YESSSS!) But I have to take 3 showers per day with nothing but Ivory soap. (I had forgotten how nice it smells, actually.) Then when I get out of the shower, I have to change the bandage using totally sterile bandages and the special cream. All I heard was SHOWERS.
Have you ever tried to put a sterile bandage on your ass? It's hard. Because I'm not using nice little conveniently pre-stickified Band-Aids. I'm using those gauze pads that need special, separate tape to stick 'em on. There's a lot of twisting and aiming and cursing involved. It's like playing Medical Twister--right hand on ass, left hand on...shit! (That's the part where I miss my boo-boo and drop the sterile bandage on the floor. Then I have to start all over. After I stop my dog from wanting to lick the medicated cream. He is so weird.)
So yeah, everything is normal here inVB Land.
Repo and I were on the phone last night until 1 am. I was (surprise, surprise) freaking out about telling him about this blog. I was convinced he was going to dump me or hate me or something. [Note: This was the Vicodin talking.] Repo now makes jokes that he is looking for a new girlfriend. Ha ha. Mr. Funnybone over here. But we are ok. He was a little freaked out, but we talked about everything and we are fine. I think. Until I do something like that again. Kidding. Really, he was mostly upset about strangers judging him. And a couple of my guy friends judging him. I agree--it isn't really fair considering they don't know him. But for the most part, everyone on here is Pro-Repo. Right? [This is the part where all my readers leave comments that would fall into the Pro-Repo category.]
That's hard to say: Pro-Repo. Hard to type too. Woooooah....still woozy from Vicodin. Can. Not. Look. Down. While. Typing.
He said he kinda wishes I hadn't told him. He doubts he will ever read it again, actually. I think it was a lot to take in. I (of course) am having World's Biggest Guilt Trip and wondering if I did the right thing. It's a little like those people who confess to cheating just to make themselves feel better, I think. I am not speaking from experience, people. But I really think that any communication in a relationship is good. And that feeling of keeping something from him really bugged me.
I'm just amazed at how understanding and patient he is with me. I mean, I would be totally wigging out over something like this. And he is just..a little hurt. But he's fine. He is probably going to stick it to me for a while, though. He called me this morning.
"I hate you because I'm tired." (He got about 5 hours of sleep last night. Oops.)
I apologized. Then he told me that the water main busted at the hotel, so his kitchen was flooding as we spoke. Also, there was some big group of airline pilots (?) checking in all at once and they were being douchebags. Yeah, that made my guilt trip double in size.
I have the best boyfriend ever.