Thursday, March 08, 2007

Frustration Central, How May I Help You?

So I've been working on my Big Secret Project. And it's getting pretty frustrating. There is a lot of paperwork, studying and reading of very detailed instructions involved, not to mention errands to run and money to spend--when it's all done and overwith, I'm looking at $300 smackers. I thought I'd be all set to submit everything after a week, but it will be three weeks before I can really get the ball rolling. There's a lot of red tape and stupid protocol.

For example. I have to get this one form filled out. It has to be done by a police officer. So I go to the local police station. "Oh, we don't do that here," the receptionist said, "You'll have to go aaaaaaaaaall the way to the county seat, about 30 minutes from here, to do that."

Keep in mind it takes all of 5 minutes for a cop to help me with this. Grr.

So I drive over there. "Oh yeah. We do that," the Lady Cop said. I smiled. "We do it between 9-11am and 2-4pm." It was noon. "Ok, I guess I'll just have to come back next week," I said through my clenched teeth.

I went back to my car, got in, screamed at the top of my lungs to blow off some steam, and drove home.

More frustration: I needed to make a doctor's appointment (just a check-up, very routine). I called his office SIX times this morning. I had to be transferred to the Appointments extension each time (I'm sure they thought I was bonkers!), only to be put on hold for 20 seconds, listen to "your call is important to us, please stay on the line"--and then the voicemail would come on.

Grrrrrr.

Finally, after leaving 2 messages, they called me back and I got my appointment. 6 weeks from now. More grrrr....

I am waiting for a colleague at work to email me back about something that is relatively important. It's been almost a week, no reply. This is also bugging me--I mean, send a courtesy email or something! I guess I will have to play stalker and call her...

Speaking of stalkers (and by that, I am referring to myself, obviously)...

There is a new skank. She came over to Hot Neighbor's last night. She got there at about 10pm and was still there when I went to sleep at 12:15. Let me sum up to you the evidence collected during my stakeout at my kitchen window last night:

(Ok, I didn't stand at the window the whole time. I would just check every 5 minutes to see if her car was still there.)

(Ok, I am lying. I checked every 2 minutes.)

Ahem. Evidence:

1. This was not the Original Skank, who shall henceforth be referred to as "Skank 1" or "S1" for short.
2. I know this because she is younger and drives a different car. Also, her hair is curly and long, whereas S1's hair is straight and short.
3. I just realized both these women have very dark hair. This does not bode well for me...
4. S2 was not carrying a purse. At what times would you not need your purse, ladies? I cannot think of a time....the gym maybe. But she was not dressed in gym clothes. This puzzles me.
5. She was wearing yucky jeans and this sort of sweatshirt looking top. Her hair was in a slightly messy ponytail. In short, she didn't look like she was expecting anything. I know that if I were going to a guy's house, hoping for something to happen, I'd get "casual cute"--you know, I'd look good without looking like I tried. She just looked...ick. But a nice ick. Not like she smelled or anything.
6. She was talking on her cell phone as she walked to front door. She stood in his yard for a couple of minutes (I think. Not that I was staring at her.) Her body language indicated that she felt comfortable being there. Relaxed pacing, laughing on the phone....that kind of thing.
7. No kids were seen at all yesterday. So I don't think this was a babysitter or anything like that.
8. Here is the part that concerns me: All his blinds were closed. He's NEVER done that before. His blinds are always open. (Duh, of course I'm positive. I am his stalker!)
9. I was hoping that when I went outside to walk Sammy (he really did need to go, I'm not making this up!), that her car might have a sticker or some other identifying mark on it which would tell me more about its owner. It didn't have anything. Nada. (Which, IMHO, can often be a sign of a lack of personality.) Then I remembered my whole license plate theory and looked at her license plate. The letters were: BPI. "Uh-huh. Just as I suspected," I thought. "Big Prostitutes, Inc."
10. Did I mention that she was there AT LEAST until 12:15 in the morning?? If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, I'm gonna have to go ahead with "They Aren't Having Bible Study in There" for $200, Bob!

Readers, I need your theories, interpretations and insights. Please tell me he's just getting all his rebound flings out of the way!!!

I don't understand. I thought I was clear that I liked him. I thought he might be possibly interested in me. Kinda. Maybe. He DID come to my house 3 times this week, looking for me. I know he's not a mind reader, but it's not like he doesn't know how to get a hold of me! He obviously didn't have a problem inviting S2 over last night. I mean, sheesh, if he wanted company, I am like 20 feet away. I am bummed, y'all. I probably should have put myself out there a little bit more. Flirted a little more, implied that I too am alone a lot, that I like to cook, that I make good coffee...something!!! But you see, I thought that if he saw that the cake I left for him was chocolate, then he would do the math and put two and two together. Like this:

Woman willingly sacrificing chocolate + she is single and in my dating age group = SHE WANTS ME.

I'm no math whiz, but this seems pretty obvious to me.

Kind of like this one:

She is very friendly + she lives practically next door + we are both single = I should ask her out.

See, if this was like high school algebra, I would have majored in mathematics in college. Because I'm all over this shit:

She was not put off by kids + or the divorce + she has nice boobs = She has "LTR" written all over her.

She is alone + I am alone + we are separated by one yard = Wait, why aren't we boning?

S1 + S2 = Why am I fooling with them when I can just go ask VB out?

These are all theories I can commit to memory very easily. Not to mention, put them to practice. Well, they seem easy to me, anyway.

Enough foolishness. I'm bummed out about S2 and my Project frustrations. I'm going out with MJ tonight for some Discussion, Analyzation and Prediction (aka a DAP talk, as I like to call them). This, combined with another personal life man-related issue which I won't get into here, requires a DAP, ASAP.

12 comments:

Virginia Belle said...

if you commented on the last post, i just replied to it.

kind of a busy week. bear with, y'all. thanks.

oh, and btw-- I GET IT. sheesh, people. i will put myself out there. he can't read my mind. blah blah coffee. blah blah ask him out. Roger. loud and clear.

charming, but single said...

Did you really use the term "boning" in this post? That made me giggle. Because I am in sixth grade.

I still think the chocolate frosting bikini is the best way to go. He'll get the picture. :)

Scott said...

I loved the "Why aren't we boning" comment. Now that was hilarious.

You do need to put yourself out there, I mean us boys aren't too smart sometimes. Idea, you like to cook.. so invite him over for dinner one night. I am sure he would love it, especially if he is there all lonely and eating tv dinners all the time!

Me - I could never pass up a meal

Just... Why? said...

Could S2 be his Sister?

They'd have to be really comfortable together if she wasn't dressed up to go over there, and if she was a GF / booty call you'd have spotted her before now.

That's my tuppence anyway.

PawleysIsland said...

You are quite the private investigator. I think you are missing your true calling in life. You and your dog should buy a van call it "The Mystery Machine" and go around fighting crime. Would your dog be willing to work for Scooby snacks?

It sounds like he is just making time with a few skanks/low flying ducks. This is a better sign than you think. If he thought of you as a skank, he would have put the moves on you by now. He obviously has a much higher appreciation or interest in you than just the desire to "bone" you. Either that or he is really dim and has no idea that you are interested in him. Remember, he has been out of the dating game and may have forgotten how all this works.

Megan said...

i like the sister idea! yea, maybe it was his sister. sounds good. good undercover work you got going on. now, go over and invite him out for coffee, soda, luke warm water...ANYTHING!!!

RWA said...

I'm voting for S2 is a relative or something like that.

Make the first move!!!!!!!

Mieke said...

I thought right away it must be his sister, too!! Or a friend. So yes, you need to ask him over. Right.
Now.

BCOL said...

*poop* I think his hotness is covering up a potential heaping pile of fishy stinkiness.

That aside, as long as it's good non-heart-entangled fun, you should setup a Crisco kiddie pool outside and challenge S1 & S2 to a wrestling match. Not only do you get to open up an oily can of whoop ass, HNT will be too hot over your greasiness to not completely ravage you!

Stuck said...

You want theories, huh? My first theory is that women are insane. I mean, did you REALLY pace around your kitchen and peek out the window wondering who the hell this girl was? What happened to Anti-Man VB? Don't you remember what assholes we are?

My second theory is that she's a relative. But this might not mean anything good if they're from Alabama...

My third theory is that you missed your window, and he couldn't take a VB-lass life any longer, so he grabbed the first skank that wasn't afraid to show her interest. ;)


(OMG! My word verification is actually spelling out Czarina!)

mary said...

This is why I don't get involved with neighbors or guys at work...okay, sure I break my rule all of the time...but this is the reason why I have the rule: There is way too much opportunity to have your feelings hurt because you see too much!

My advice: Don't look. Don't look. Don't look.

Frankly, I would assume he is sleeping with or trying to sleep with both women. I would assume he is trying to sleep with you. I would also assume that he doesn't mean to hurt anyone. He has a dick and he is single. That's not a crime.

If you are interested,go for it. If you want to see if he is interested in you, don't go for it and see if he shows up again.


Good luck, VB!

~Moi~ said...

yea I was gonna say it but it has already been said - I'm agreeing with the sister theory