Readers, I need your advice.
I wish I could say I had news about Hot Neighbor. But I don't. I haven't really seen him.
Except this one time. *shudders*
You see, I think The Universe is trying to tell me, "Do not date this man." Why? I have my reasons....
1. He has yet to see me looking nice. Am I having a bad hair day? Wearing a goofy outfit? Just got up? Have a giant zit on my chin? Am dressed like a Professional Couch Potato? Then this is the day I will see Hot Neighbor. He will want to talk to me, and the whole time, I am cringing. I want to interrupt him mid-sentence and say, "I can look really nice! I swear! I have high heels and makeup that I like to wear! I'm just going to the gym, that's why I look like this! Normally I am presentable and chic! I clean up really well!!!"
See, if he would just ask me out, I'd have a reason to look nice. But whatever...
The other morning, I was awakened by my doorbell. Groggy and disheveled, I opened my front door. Horrifically, it was Hot Neighbor. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I thought.
Dirty hair? check.
Sleeping in to an absurdly late hour? check.
Pre-coffee brain? check.
Morning breath? check.
Oh-so-sexy flannel pjs? check.
No makeup? check.
New zits? check check.
He apologized twice for waking me up, and then started telling me about his brother of all things. Something about his brother wanting to attend the college where I work and did I know anything about admissions and registration?
I answered his questions, squinting at the sunlight and mumbling incoherently until he went away. I closed the door. Could that have gone any worse?? I doubt it. Maybe if I had barfed on myself. Or on him. I banged my head against the door, bemoaning my poor luck, and then went back to sleep.
When I got up, I wondered why in the hell he was even asking me all that stuff. It's on the website. There's a phone number he could call. Most people would just call or look it up themselves, instead of walking to a neighbor's house and waking them up. Was this an excuse to talk to me? And I just royally f--ked it up? Wonderful.
So I'd like to hear what my male readers have to say about this. What is he thinking when he sees me looking like a bag lady? Does anyone have any advice, other than looking really good every time I step outside? Can I do some damage control? Or are things beyond repair?
2. Ok, this one is just me being superstitious. But his license plate ends with the following letters: URX. As in, "Your Ex". I am taking this as a sign that he is just like some awful ex-boyfriend of mine. Like The Universe is trying to say, "Look, date him if you want. But in the end, he'll end up being just like all your other exes. Don't say I didn't warn you." I know I sound crazy. But I have noticed that some people's supposedly "random" license plate letters can be quite telling.
3. In the past two weeks, we are never outside at the same time. One of us is always inside. Which makes having conversations difficult. Obviously. The lack of communication is letting me think about the situation, though. Do I really want to date my neighbor? If it ended, it would be awkward at best and disastrous at worst. Do I really want to date someone with three kids? That's a lot of kids. Cute or not, it's a big responsibility. Scenes of that Julia Roberts movie, Stepmom, keep flashing through my head. Do I want to be that girl? Dealing with exes and in-laws?
Don't you love that I imagine all of these things, when he hasn't even hinted at asking me out? I'm ridiculous.
Of course, it would help if he'd stop wearing plain white t-shirts. They fit him just-so. I get a little peek at his biceps. Mmmm. Plain white t-shirts are one of the sexiest things a guy can wear. Especially if he pairs it with jeans and bare feet. I know that sounds weird. But it is the hottest thing a guy can wear. It even beats tuxes in my book.
Time for a subject change. So I can get that image out of my head...
Fun Bobby. Ok, that worked.
Fun Bobby and I have talked twice now. He still hasn't sealed the deal. This is irritating because it wastes my time. We have established that we can have decent (read: very average) conversations. It's time to see if there is in-person chemistry. We've gone as far as we can without having an actual date. He's hinted around at asking me out, but still nothing. (Male readers--are you taking notes? Don't be a Fun Bobby.)
Aside from this irritation, Fun Bobby has something else working against him: his personality is....average. He's nice. He sometimes says something sorta funny--enough for a polite chuckle. He seems smart. But overall, he's just kinda...eh.
Last night, Healthy Girl had a dinner party. (I met Fun Bobby through her.) So Fun Bobby was at the dinner party. And I realized why I didn't remember meeting him the first time--in person, he's also just...eh. He's "eh" in pretty much every way, from what I can tell. So I am officially not interested in going out with him. Fun Bobby just isn't....fun enough.
Considering I spent most of the evening catching up with two girlfriends I haven't seen in about a month, here's to hoping he won't call me. I'm hoping he will take that as a sign. Or a hint. Or something discouraging.
Unfortunately, I think he will call. So I have to give my "I'm sorry, but I..." speech. I hate giving that speech. It makes me feel bad. But I will have to give it, because nothing is worse than going on a date where you know you are wasting time and money. Where you watch the guy put forth all this effort, knowing that it's a lost cause. That's the worst feeling. Somewhere out there, is a girl who really will see him as FUN Bobby. She needs to meet him. Which means he needs to remain single.
Some girls can give pity dates, or "freebie" dates where they give the guy one more chance. Not me. If the chemistry ain't there, it just ain't. Guys don't grow on me. They hit me like a brick wall.
Guys prefer the upfront honesty, right? No one wants a pity date, right?
In other news...this diet stuff is for the birds, y'all. I could really go for some chocolate cake and french fries. But I've already lost 5 pounds [readers applaud and cheer] so I'm not turning back now. I'll get used to it soon enough. I just have to let myself have the occassional treat so I don't lose what's left of my mind.
Luckily, Healthy Girl makes very low-cal, healthy food, so her dinner parties are guilt-free. She even had sugar-free gingerbread cookies for us.
Tuesday nights are Major Gym Night. This is usually when I hit the gym for 2 hours. That way, if I do have a few fries or chocolate cake bites, it won't mess me up too badly. Is anyone else doing Weight Watchers? That's what I'm doing. I've done it before and I lost a ton of weight. So I'm back on the wagon again.
Crap, now I'm hungry.