Wednesday, April 18, 2007

No Whining Zone

Well, today's post was going to consist of me whining about

A) my cold that won't go away *cough! hack! sniff*
B) the fact that Toby woke me up at 5:15 this morning to bark at nothing, then jump on my face and stick his tongue up my nose
C) how Hot Neighbor seems about as interested in me as he does the salmon he rejected
D) my hormonally-influenced state of mind which is 98% positive I will never go on a date again and will instead wither up and die alone, with no one other than my mother and dogs to mourn me
E) what on earth I'm going to do when K moves out in 10 days, as this will leave me in somewhat of a financially challenging situation.

However, due to

A) the tragedy at Virginia Tech
B) the war in the Middle East
C) my deep desire to retain my readers
D) the hatred I possess for feelings of self-loathing
E) my recent discovery that one of my ex-boyfriends is dating a girl who makes him wear bow-ties that match the fabric of her dress (I'll let you guess as to who I'm referring to), a concept that makes me snort with laughter

I feel today is just not a good day to whine about my life. So this post will instead consist of warm fuzzy feelings, butterflies, laughing babies, glitter and unicorns. With sprinkles on top and spirit fingers to boot.

Ok, not so much. But this is a Whine-Free-Zone. Time to suck it up, Chuck. It ain't that bad. Everything will work out just fine, yadda yadda. Among my favorite ways to feel better about myself are to

A) watch Courtv -- no matter how bad my life is, at least I didn't get arrested today
B) eat ice cream
C) do something nice for other people
D) exercise
E) bitch
F) do something productive

"E" is just not an option today, as already discussed. My entire upper body is currently reminding me how I have already checked off choice "D" from this list -- thank you, Tuesday Night Meathead Weight Class Instructor Man. "A" and "B" can be taken care of after dinner tonight. Which leaves me with "C" and "F". Oh wait, I'm blogging. That definitely doesn't fall under the "F" category. I am left with "C".

CMK emailed me the other day to inform me that she has nominated me for a Thinking Blogger Award. Aww, so sweet. I am very flattered. And confused. Mostly because there is very little thinking involved in my blog writing. I usually just kind of log on and the crap starts spewing from my brain. Better descriptors for my blog would be

A) anal-retentive (as evidenced by my obnoctious over-usage of lists today)
B) whiny
C) venty (is that a word? perhaps "bitchy" would be better?)
D) silly
E) self-absorbed
F) pathetic

So the deal is, now I have to nominate 5 people for this award. Which is difficult, as I try my best to read about 85 different blogs at last count. (So in case you are wondering, this is why I will comment-bomb you once every 2 months, and then will seemingly disappear on your ass! Ah! Lightbulb! Yeah, so spare me the guilt trip, alright?) In keeping with the theme of this award (and I am a girl who is both a rules-follower AND a lover of all things themed), these are the blogs which make me think about stuff. I will catch myself pondering their writing while driving, showering or walking on the treadmill at the gym. And let me tell ya what -- to get my somewhat ADD-frazzled mind to be thinking about something more than once in a day is quite a feat for any writer! Without further ado:

Oh crap. My stupid guilt just kicked in. Inside my little brain are the following sentences:

But this will hurt people's feelings!
Maybe you should just say thanks to CMK and just conveniently "forget" to nominate!
The main reason you read most blogs is because they are funny, not because they make you think! You are unqualified to make this call! A call that will hurt people's feelings, no less!
Perhaps you can break just this one, tiny rule and nominate everyone?

Shut it, brain! Stop thinking! Just do the assignment and be done with it! No one is going to hate you for this. Ok? Ok. *ahem* In alphabetical order:

1. Awkward Things I Say to Girls -- because Justin gives me a peek into the male mind...and I am starting to think I understand men. Ok, who am I kidding. But I did just use the word "think" when talking about this blog, so yeah. That counts.

2. Anne's blog -- Um, I need Anne to help me with this one, because I can't remember if she is keeping it a secret or not....her anonymity was discovered, so she changed the URL, and I don't know if her blog is secret now or what...anyway, I will not link to it here until I get her permission. My point is, Anne has cancer and she is wicked awesome. She has opened my eyes to what it's like to have major health problems, the delicious flavor combination that is artificial grape flavoring and pickles AND keeps reminding me of how wonderful life can be, even when it seemingly sucks. Now THAT is food for thought. I love you, Anne. I think about you all the time. You just don't know it. But if you looked outside your living room window, you would see me with binoculars, watching you from across the street. Kidding.

3. Gaijin Girl -- she is a newlywed, and she and her hubs are spending their first year of marriage living in Japan, teaching English to Japanese people. So. Cool. And inspiring. This blog makes me think about what it would be like to do that. And kinda makes me want to do it! Only, sans husband, obviously. Maybe I could bring Sammy...? (No, I am not kidding, actually. I have always wanted to do that. And the older I get, the more appealing this idea sounds to me...shhh! Don't tell my little sister, Smurf. She would cry. Don't be surprised if I up and move to Russia one day, peeps. You have been warned.)

4. Jennster -- Is this one a cop-out because it's so popular? Whatever, I don't care. These are MY picks, people! MINE! Ster is (almost) married to a wonderful man, and she has a little boy. She is the coolest -- funny, smart, passionate and silly. Who doesn't like her blog?? Probably crack smokers. That's about all I can come up with. Maybe the Pope. I don't really see him being into it, either. Sorry, Ster. She gives me a glimpse into what it's like to be a mom, which is a pretty outrageous daydream for me, considering the current state of my love life. She pretty much covers all kinds of thinking situations: Mom issues, wedding issues, family issues, friends issues, work issues, being a woman issues, never know what you're gonna get over there. But you will get lots of things that make you think. Or snort your drink through your nose. It depends.

5. Ok, I really wanted to put Postsecret in this slot, as it is probably THE Thinking Blogger Blog, but I don't think the guy who runs it has time to nominate other people. So due to his EXTREME popularity and busy lifestyle, he has unwittingly eliminated himself from this sort of thing. Too bad, so sad. What a drawback for having what is probably the #1 blog on the internet. Besides Dooce, maybe. And I don't read that blog, so obviously she's out, too. Instead, in this slot I will place....I will place.....crap, this is hard. You see, most of the blogs I read are read because they make me laugh, like Kevin Charnas or Sam's Stories. See, they think up the funny stuff, I just laugh at it. There's not really any thinking involved when you are laughing at fart stories. A lot of the other blogs I read are for my own sanity, ie, they remind me that I am not the only 28 year old woman who is still single (THANK YOU, Charming, MJ, BCOL and all the other single girl bloggers out there!).

Wow, how's that for stalling??

Instead, I will have to put The Bad Girl's Guide here in slot #5. Crap, now it's no longer an alphabetical list. Dangit, I am not fixing that problem. You just have to let some things go. Oh, so Bad Girl's Guide. Yes. Vixen writes fantastic columns (posts? I dunno, they read like columns) about all things relationship-oriented. And she's always spot-on in her advice. Her topics are timely, she's not afraid to bring up taboo topics (which really appeals to the pervert in me) and she just reeks of womanly confidence and power. She shoots from the hip and is very fair in her views. *sigh* Women like her make me proud to be in the same gender.

Alright, peeps. I know that the people I just nominated read my blog every day (RIGHT???? Because it kicks ass!!!) so they need to follow these steps now before I mail them their brain-shaped statuette of genuine gold plastic, which has a retail value of approximately $8.95:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote (here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn't fit your blog)

If you were not nominated, please do not go home and cry into your pillow, because

A) this causes me to feel the horrible urge to make fun of you and/or beat you to a bloody pulp for being a wuss
B) if I didn't like your blog, I would not read it in the first place
C) this meme is currently going around at about the same rate as the common cold, and I'm sure someone will soon nominate you. I mean, I was nominated, for Pete's sake. Come on. Obviously not the most stringent list of qualificatons. Be patient, little one.
D) There were only 5 slots. FIVE. I read a LOT of blogs, people.
E) I didn't feel comfortable nominating blogs of people I know/practically know in real life, as I thought it might look bad/biased. Likewise, I didn't nominate the blogs that serve mainly to entertain me with hilarious stories. This isn't a popularity contest, it's a nomination for stuff that makes me think. So stop crying and smile because this means either
1) you are lucky enough to know me in real life, or at least know what I look like
2) you are extremely funny

And now that my obsessive list-making has reached a new level of absurdity, I will say goodbye for today.

* This is my oh-so-subtle attempt at getting my readers to submit optimistic stories about how they didn't meet their spouses until they were 32 and cynical and guarded and overweight and had totally given up all hope of ever finding true love before they were 6 feet under, only to randomly find the love of their life hiding under a rock, inexplicably, and now they are living happily ever after and would like to share their story and remind me that hanging myself over a curtain rod is not the only solution to my problem, but instead I should start looking under some rocks. Or begin to write sentences that are not run-ons. *ahem*


Coco said...

Please don't say "until they were 32" like that. It makes me go to the bad place.

Jonathan Zero said...

well, since I am long passed 32 and still single...I guess I have no advice. Get off my damn lawn :)

River Rat said...

Honey I was single forever until I met my husband.. and then I married him a few months later.

jennster said...

you are the sweetest and coolest fucking chick ever. i heart you and you make me blush! :) after i'm done mourning, i'll try to participate in this. Lol

LowTide said...

(f/k/a PawleysIsland)
Sorry to hear you are still "under the weather." I'll bet you picked up something from those rented shoes at the bowling alley. Happens all the time.

I did not meet my true love until I was 32. This is after I thought I had found my true love in my 20's, got married because that is what you are supposed to do and ended up divorced. Better to be 28 and single than divorced with three kids and unable to see there is a potential true love living right next door!!!!

cmk said...

Now don't even imagine that you don't make me think! I got married at the ripe old age of 18, have been married WAY past 25 years, and see no end to the marriage! You give me lots to think about--like what would it have been like to EVER be on my own, to have to wonder who the love of my life would be, what it actually is like to DATE! I love to see into the mind of a youngster--and, my dear, I'm sorry, but that's how I see you. :) You are a good read.

Burg said...

Ha! A bowtie! How humiliating!!

Congrats on the award.. You deserve it!

Vixen said...

Wow VB, you nominated me? I'm utterly flattered. Thanks:)

I will tackle this list in a a few projects still on my plate right now but it's on the list.

Hope you feel much better soon. Being sick sucks...I should know.

Anne said...

I heart you VB..I really really do! I am not anonymous so spread me all around. :) Thank you Thank you...

lenfercestlesautres said...

I love lists, too.

1) I began thinking about how this award would spread, depending on how many blogs there are and how many are created every day. I am extremely upset to confess that I have no idea how to answer that question mathematically. I guess we'll have to ask Justin.

2) I often wish I were single these days. Hate me for it if you want.

Vixen said...

You've been tagged by the way. See Mysterious Meander for details.

Bossy said...

It's OK, you will find someone! I'm 30 and haven't met The One yet, but I am not worried. Being single is fun, especially with summer coming up! (besides, all it takes is one little boring/bad date for you to realize that being single is great!)

Virginia Belle said...

coco-- ugh. the bad place. i hate the bad place. my bad! :)

jonathan -- your comment made me laugh out loud! i'm getting off your damn lawn! sheesh!

river rat-- yes, like that! that's what i want people to tell me! stuff like that! thanks, chickie!

ster-- really? THE coolest? can you prove that scientifically? because i'd like to be able to put that on my resume.

lowtide -- ok, can i just tell you how much i appreciate what you are implying in that comment? made my day. seriously.

cmk -- aw. thanks. ok, i can tell you in a nutshell what you missed out on: lots of waiting by the phone, stress from paying bills all by yourself, no one to go on road trips with you and a bed you don't have to share. yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

burg-- ha! I know!!! tee hee. bowties are for nerds and old men. and pussies, apparently! tee hee! thanks, btw.

vixen -- you're welcome! i know you are busy learning hebrew and eating nigerian food (LOL) but just whenever you get around to it! oh, and now i feel terribly guilty for griping about a cold, when compared to you. :}

anne-- oh, good! YAY! i heart you, anne. and now i should probably make some joke about you spreading yourself, but i think i will stop for now....tee hee.

lenfer-- yes! justin would probably be able to figure that out for us! and as far as wanting to be single goes, please PLEASE remind me of the benefits. because lately....well, you know.

bossy-- YES! thank you for the reminder! What is that line from a movie? "I've had three lovers in the past four years, and they all ran a distant second to a good book and a warm bath." -- from Jerry McGuire. That is SO TRUE sometimes. I've been on dates where I've thought, "damn, I could be at home, watching tv..." -- ugh. those are the worst.

Lady Wanderlust said...

Wow! Thanks for the shout out! I had no idea my blog could be called a thinking one.