So I have a problem. And only a guy can help me with it.
Ew, stop right there! I know what you are thinking. Pervert!
Ok, actually, I guess I would need help with that, too, at this point.....
*sigh* Being a perv who can't get any is tough. The jokes aren't as funny after a while.
Alright, back to the story. The problem is, I need to change my air filter, and I am too short to reach it. I need a guy to change it for me. And Hot Neighbor is out of town, not to mention, he's got that stupid girlfriend who doesn't seem to understand that he's supposed to be dating me. That leaves my next most obvious potential air filter changer: Cute Neighbor.
Cue the next Conversation with My Brain.
So last night, at about 8:30, I told Shy to shut the hell up and walked over to his house to ask if he could help me out with this little problem.
"Oh God. You're outside. You're really going to do this, aren't you?" said Shy, trembling.
"Dude, he's going to be SO stoked that you are asking him for help. You are cute and single and friendly. What guy wouldn't want to help you with your air filter? It takes all of 3 seconds. Afterwards, you two are going to have a nice chat and then he will ask you out!" said Confident.
Stupidly Optimistic agreed wholeheartedly. "Don't forget to offer him a beer and invite him over for dinner!"
"Yeah, and your boobs look big in that t-shirt," said Pervert.
"If he invites you in this time, you should go in and suck his face off!" chimed Horny.
"This is a bad idea. He's going to think you're a weirdo. Or worse, that you are interested in him," said Pessimistically Paranoid.
"DO NOT give that impression!" shrieked Single Girl.
"Oh. My. God. You're really doing this, aren't you? There's still time to change your mind, you know," said Shy.
"SHUT UP, SHY!!!" everyone shouted. (Everyone hates Shy. They think she's stupid. To be honest, she is pretty annoying.)
I knocked on the door. "That wasn't very loud. There's no way he will hear that," said Good Point.
"Wait! Is that him inside, making that noise? He's probably looking out the window right now to see who it is. Don't look!!!" said Pessimistically Paranoid.
"Dude, where is he? It doesn't take this long to answer a door!" said Impatient.
"Can't we just forget this? I'm tired," said Diet & Exercise. (I was pooped from my trip to the gym)
"Yeah, I think we're missing Forensic Files," said Nerd.
"She just didn't knock loud enough. But I think maybe she did that on purpose, because if she doesn't get a chance to talk to him, then she doesn't have a chance to mess things up," said Over-Analytical.
"Ooh, you might be on to something, for once," said Good Point.
"He's taking a long time because he doesn't know if he wants to talk to you. He's watching you right now, trying to decide if you are normal or if you are stalking him. This was one of your more genius ideas, I must say," said Pessimistically Paranoid.
"Oh crap, how does your hair look? Are you standing so that your good side is facing him when he opens the door? Just try and look nonchalant. And remember to smile," said Single Girl.
"What is the big deal? Jeez Louise, you aren't asking for the moon! But you could stand up a little straighter. Stop slouching," said Inner Mom Voice.
"Ok, fine. Do it. See if I care. Shit, go ahead and knock loud as hell. But have you considered what, exactly, you are going to say?" asked Shy.
"She's going to say something charming and brilliant, and possibly even hysterically funny, if you must know," said Confident.
"No! No! Say something which lets him know you want to get in his pants! Flirt your ass off! Wink! Touch his arm! It's your big chance!" yelled Horny and Pervert.
"Ok, you are going to have to knock again. I don't think he heard you," said Good Point.
"Oh he heard her. He got up, looked out his window, thought, 'This crazy bitch is stalking me!' and sat back down. That's what happened," said Pessimistically Paranoid.
"Maybe we are here at a bad time? Perhaps he's sleeping or on an important phone call," said Good Point.
"Or he thinks you're the FBI, coming to arrest him!" said Overactive Imagination.
"Or he's watching porn!" said Pervert.
"Tee hee!" giggled Horny.
Impatient sighed. "Can we go now? This is stupid."
"What I want to know is, how long are you going to stand here on his doorstep like an idiot. Anyone want to put some money on this?" said Cynical.
"You fool! Run!!!!" said Panic.
So I quickly walked back to my house and shut the door behind me.
"Gosh I'm glad you said that, Panic!" exclaimed Shy.
"You don't deserve those tits. I think you need to donate them to someone who might actually USE them," Cynical said.
"You are totally pathetic. I am so disappointed in you. You need to take advantage of the ideas I plant in your head, you know. I don't come up with good ones every day," said Single Girl.
"Seriously, are ANY of you even surprised at this point? I mean, come on, look who we're dealing with," said Pity Party.
"I told you this was a bad idea!!!" shouted Shy.
"Ok, so we weren't super confident today. That's ok, we will just try again when you get home from work tomorrow! Maybe we put too much pressure on ourselves. Tomorrow we will be calm and more confident. You can do this, I know you can," said Confident.
"Dude, come on. You know he wants you," said Stupidly Optimistic.
"Can we watch Forensic Files now?" asked Nerd.
"Yes. Please. I need some peace and quiet. Even if it involves learning about how some husband in Michigan chopped up his wife with his wood chipper. Anything, if only y'all will SHUT UP," I said.