Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Another Conversation with My Brain

So I have a problem. And only a guy can help me with it.

Ew, stop right there! I know what you are thinking. Pervert!

Ok, actually, I guess I would need help with that, too, at this point.....

*sigh* Being a perv who can't get any is tough. The jokes aren't as funny after a while.

Alright, back to the story. The problem is, I need to change my air filter, and I am too short to reach it. I need a guy to change it for me. And Hot Neighbor is out of town, not to mention, he's got that stupid girlfriend who doesn't seem to understand that he's supposed to be dating me. That leaves my next most obvious potential air filter changer: Cute Neighbor.

Cue the next Conversation with My Brain.

So last night, at about 8:30, I told Shy to shut the hell up and walked over to his house to ask if he could help me out with this little problem.

"Oh God. You're outside. You're really going to do this, aren't you?" said Shy, trembling.

"Dude, he's going to be SO stoked that you are asking him for help. You are cute and single and friendly. What guy wouldn't want to help you with your air filter? It takes all of 3 seconds. Afterwards, you two are going to have a nice chat and then he will ask you out!" said Confident.

Stupidly Optimistic agreed wholeheartedly. "Don't forget to offer him a beer and invite him over for dinner!"

"Yeah, and your boobs look big in that t-shirt," said Pervert.

"If he invites you in this time, you should go in and suck his face off!" chimed Horny.

"This is a bad idea. He's going to think you're a weirdo. Or worse, that you are interested in him," said Pessimistically Paranoid.

"DO NOT give that impression!" shrieked Single Girl.

"Oh. My. God. You're really doing this, aren't you? There's still time to change your mind, you know," said Shy.

"SHUT UP, SHY!!!" everyone shouted. (Everyone hates Shy. They think she's stupid. To be honest, she is pretty annoying.)

I knocked on the door. "That wasn't very loud. There's no way he will hear that," said Good Point.

"Wait! Is that him inside, making that noise? He's probably looking out the window right now to see who it is. Don't look!!!" said Pessimistically Paranoid.

"Dude, where is he? It doesn't take this long to answer a door!" said Impatient.

"Can't we just forget this? I'm tired," said Diet & Exercise. (I was pooped from my trip to the gym)

"Yeah, I think we're missing Forensic Files," said Nerd.

"She just didn't knock loud enough. But I think maybe she did that on purpose, because if she doesn't get a chance to talk to him, then she doesn't have a chance to mess things up," said Over-Analytical.

"Ooh, you might be on to something, for once," said Good Point.

"He's taking a long time because he doesn't know if he wants to talk to you. He's watching you right now, trying to decide if you are normal or if you are stalking him. This was one of your more genius ideas, I must say," said Pessimistically Paranoid.

"Oh crap, how does your hair look? Are you standing so that your good side is facing him when he opens the door? Just try and look nonchalant. And remember to smile," said Single Girl.

"What is the big deal? Jeez Louise, you aren't asking for the moon! But you could stand up a little straighter. Stop slouching," said Inner Mom Voice.

"Ok, fine. Do it. See if I care. Shit, go ahead and knock loud as hell. But have you considered what, exactly, you are going to say?" asked Shy.

"She's going to say something charming and brilliant, and possibly even hysterically funny, if you must know," said Confident.

"No! No! Say something which lets him know you want to get in his pants! Flirt your ass off! Wink! Touch his arm! It's your big chance!" yelled Horny and Pervert.

"Ok, you are going to have to knock again. I don't think he heard you," said Good Point.

"Oh he heard her. He got up, looked out his window, thought, 'This crazy bitch is stalking me!' and sat back down. That's what happened," said Pessimistically Paranoid.

"Maybe we are here at a bad time? Perhaps he's sleeping or on an important phone call," said Good Point.

"Or he thinks you're the FBI, coming to arrest him!" said Overactive Imagination.

"Or he's watching porn!" said Pervert.

"Tee hee!" giggled Horny.

Impatient sighed. "Can we go now? This is stupid."

"What I want to know is, how long are you going to stand here on his doorstep like an idiot. Anyone want to put some money on this?" said Cynical.

"You fool! Run!!!!" said Panic.

So I quickly walked back to my house and shut the door behind me.

"Gosh I'm glad you said that, Panic!" exclaimed Shy.

"You don't deserve those tits. I think you need to donate them to someone who might actually USE them," Cynical said.

"You are totally pathetic. I am so disappointed in you. You need to take advantage of the ideas I plant in your head, you know. I don't come up with good ones every day," said Single Girl.

"Seriously, are ANY of you even surprised at this point? I mean, come on, look who we're dealing with," said Pity Party.

"I told you this was a bad idea!!!" shouted Shy.

"Ok, so we weren't super confident today. That's ok, we will just try again when you get home from work tomorrow! Maybe we put too much pressure on ourselves. Tomorrow we will be calm and more confident. You can do this, I know you can," said Confident.

"Dude, come on. You know he wants you," said Stupidly Optimistic.

"Can we watch Forensic Files now?" asked Nerd.

"Yes. Please. I need some peace and quiet. Even if it involves learning about how some husband in Michigan chopped up his wife with his wood chipper. Anything, if only y'all will SHUT UP," I said.


Matilda Jane said...

If you don't cut out that happy horsesh*t soon, I'm gonna go to his house for you and tell him you like him. In fact, I might even make up a little note that says "do you like me?" with a check box for yes or no. I might just add a 'maybe' box and tell him to check it just to drive you crazy.

Virginia Belle said...

i hate you.

Stuck said...

I am beginning to think you might be retarded. :)

If you can't get your air filter changed by Sunday, call me.

Meghan (The Declaration of MY Independence) said...

"Go over there tonight, do it again" said the Supportive Friend

Dixie said...

Go back over there!! NOW!

GrewUpRural said...

Go back over there and ask Cute Neighbor for help.

The perfect situation would be, you ask the Cute Neighbor for help and he agrees. While the two of you are walking over to your house, Hot Neighbor is outside doing whatever and he sees Cute Neighbor helping you. Then Hot Neighbor comes over to see if you need his help too.

Fluffycat said...

Yeah, you are over-analyzing it, VB. Just go over, ask him for help, and he'll be into it. I know that men love to be all manly and help women with stuff. I like Grewuprural's scenario of HN coming over as well. You can bake them both lasagna and cookies.

cmk said...

I LOVE the conversations you have in your head! Most entertaining. (And yes, get your ass over there and ask him to help!)

teahouse said... what happened??? Did you run away before he came to the door, or is this story To Be Continued?

Vixen said...

Yeah, I need an epilogue...Hello??

whatswith_andy said...

I think you should just get a plastic stool so you can reach it. You might tip over and fall into the best to do it when you can be rescued by the person of your choice. Then they can be a true hero, and you will owe them your life. Or at least some sex, and no guy will turn that down.

Kraig said...

LOL. Reading this just made my day. :) Thanks

Give it another go. You managed the first time with the cookies, you can do it again. We're all cheering for you.

Phantom Hater said...

Oh, please. All these comments..."Bake him an apple pie, take it over, maybe with a glass of milk to wash it down." What is this, freaking Green Acres? No. That's trying too hard. I say, if you have to force something, it isn't worth it.

Asking him to change an air filter was a decent idea. So, he wasn't home. No big deal. Get some phonebooks and change it yourself, ya lazy...:)

RWA said...

I have to agree with everyone else - get back over there.

Asking him to help change your air filter is innocent enough!

SassyAssy said...

You & your multiples have some interesting dialogue. Glad I found your site...I might pick up some pointers. And hell yeah, get your ass over there again!

Gypsy said...

You crack me up.

LowTide said...

I am proud of you for taking this giant step. The fact that you went over there is huge. You really should name your personalities. For example, the Perv should be called Chester (as in Chester the Molester) and Horny should have some stripper name. All the voices inside my head have names . . . er, I mean if um I heard multiple voices. Just kidding.

FRIGGA said...

I'd have to agree with Phantom. Besides, men taste better when they approach you. :)

M said... is another voice i hear in similar situations: overbearing mother...

she would say: " You are not going to the door wearing that are you? Couldn't you put a little makeup on first and try to look nice?"
or she'd say:

"That nice boy you dated in 2nd grade is still single. Why don't you call him? If you would have stayed with him, you'd be married now and you'd have someone to switch your filter."