Thursday, June 07, 2007

Conversations with My Brain

I promise I'm alive!

It's just that aside from working on my Big Secret Project, I don't have a lot going on right now. And I really need a break from the Southern Culture posts. I will do more, but for now, I need to stop. It takes me so long to assemble each one of those posts -- being the geeky librarian that I am, I have to do research before posting them.

And it gets tiring. Sometimes you just want to log in and start writing, you know?

After much writing, rambling, editing, deleting and small-decision-making (I have written and re-written this post about 3 times today), I have decided to devote this post to introducing you to a new guy in VB World.

Don't get excited.

Good grief, how long have you been reading me? You should know better than to EVER get excited when I talk about guys on here. Calm down. Nothing happened. Nothing EVER happens. This will probably be the only time I even mention this guy. This post is only being written so that you can laugh at me. I'm in a self-deprecating mood today. Trust me, if something cool happened, the post title would tell you. I promise. Can I continue, please? Are we all calm now? Ok.

Allow me to introduce a new character: Cute Neighbor.

Not only do I have Hot Neighbor, I have Cute Neighbor. Oh yes, I am one lucky girl. 2 hotties on my street, and I have yet to spend more than 5 minutes with either one of them. Awesome. I think I can officially give Bridget Jones a run for her money now.

While most girls would have either dated, screwed or at least knocked back a few beers with neighborhood hotties at this point, I am relegated to spying on both of them through my window blinds, wondering what they are doing, where they are going, and why they are not naked in my bedroom. Just another normal day in VB World. My abilities astound me sometimes. I should get in touch with Cosmo. They could write an article inspired by me: "How to be Totally Pathetic".

Cute Neighbor lives directly across the street from me. When I moved in, my real estate agent informed me that she had grown up with him. Since I hadn't laid eyes on him yet, I didn't pump her for info. But I don't remember her saying anything bad. Perhaps I should ask her about him....hmmmm....

This is what I have observed (yes, through my window blinds) so far: He drives a Jeep, plays golf, works out and plays the drums. He never ever has people over, which seems odd to me, but he does go out on weekends sometimes. He dresses normally. He likes to wash his car and takes good care of his lawn. He can change his own oil, which is major points in my book.

He also has gorgeous eyes. And has a kind of geeky vibe going on. Very pale skin. Gives it away every time. Luckily, the older I get, the better geeky guys sound to me.

How do I know he has gorgeous eyes? Why, because I brought him some cookies one day, about 3 weeks ago. When I get bored, I bake. And since I'm on a diet, I can never keep the stuff in the house. So I give it away to the first person I see. But this was a lazy Sunday, and I didn't have any plans on seeing my friends. So I decided to play Nice Neighbor and go door-to-door, handing out cookies to my neighbors. That's when I met Cute Neighbor. I had (obviously) seen him around, but had never gotten a good look at him. Which meant he had never gotten a good look at me, either. Hmmm. How 'bout that.....

I changed into a jean skirt, reapplied my lip gloss, sprayed on some body spray and began playing Neighborhood Girl Scout.

Eventually, I walked over to his house, noticed how nice and green his yard is (far, far different than mine!) and knocked. He opened the door, and I noticed, in true "guy form", he had apparently never decorated anything. He was a little taller than me, had dark hair and these incredible green eyes. Cool.

"Hi, I'm Virginia, from across the street," I said, smiling.

"Hi, I'm Cute Neighbor," he said, also smiling. He shook my hand. Nice and firm. This is good.

I explained why I was knocking on his door, and he eagerly grabbed 3 cookies and said thank you. As we talked, he ate one of the cookies--he couldn't seem to wait. "Note to Self," I thought. "He is apparently in desperate need of homemade baked goods." We talked about his yard, our neighborhood and how he had meant to meet more of his neighbors. He mentioned that because of work, he has crazy hours. But he didn't say what he did for a living, and I always feel it's rude to ask people what they do. Especially when I'm a single girl talking to a (presumably) single guy. So I don't know what he does. But he wears a suit sometimes. That's all I know.

"Hey, you wanna come in?" he said. That's when I got "The Look". You know what I'm talking about, ladies. That look that guys give you when they are checking you out, but they are trying to hide that fact from you. The look that lets you know they like what they're seeing. It's very fleeting, but it's quite an ego booster, I must say. I don't think guys even realize they do it. It's that subtle. Yet unmistakable.

This momentary expression on his face sent my brain, and all of its parts, into a tizzy.

The Diet/Exercise part of my brain said:

"Hey, those trips to the gym are really paying off! Sweet! Maybe I will start getting this look all the time. If I doubled up on my workouts, at this rate...."

Horny interrupted and said:

"Oooh! Yes! Go inside! Maybe you can make out on his couch! Go for it, VB!"

Single Girl said:

"Don't do it! Play hard to get! Tell him you have a date or something. This is too easy. Make him work for it a little more. Ooooh. Nice eyes. Keep talking to him so you can look in his eyes some more. Just make up something. Keep talking. Maybe he'll ask you out. Hey, it looks like he's got decent arms, too. Say something funny so he will fall in love with you instantly. He's probably already intrigued from the cookies. Keeeeeeeep talking........."

Horny said: "Yeah! Nice eyes! Jump his bones! Like he's gonna protest!"

Cynical said:

"This guy just wants more cookies. He's greedy. He thinks that if he can get you inside, you will offer him more cookies."

"Hell yeah, she's gonna offer up some cookies!" Horny said.

"He's got a girlfriend and he's just going to cheat on her right now, with you, because he's got the chance. Men are assholes, and he's no different," warned Bitter.

"No, no, no. He's obviously either a porn addict or some Dungeons & Dragons geek. Look at that pale, transparent skin. He hasn't stepped away from his X-box or computer monitor in 4 months. No wonder no one ever comes to see him. All his friends are online," said Pessimistically Paranoid.

"Did you say 'porn'?" Horny asked.

"But he seems normal. And total super geeks don't drive Jeeps or play the drums. He's probably super cool. I bet you two have lots in common. You should have a lasagna supper and invite him over. Come on, you've been meaning to have a lasagna dinner for a while. This is a great opportunity!" said Stupidly Optimistic.

Then Overactive Imagination said:

"No.........wait. Going into a seemingly-normal stranger's house? That's how girls disappear. Everyone thought Ted Bundy was normal, too. You don't know him. Maybe he buries women in his backyard. You know, he never has people over. It all makes sense now. His backyard is probably lumpy from all the graves. That's why no one ever comes to his house. His secret would be revealed. Can't you picture the headlines now? Cookie-bearing Woman Disappears: Neighborhood Shocked, Police Want to Question Male Neighbor. And then, two weeks later: Man Buried Local Women in Backyard."

And then Reality, which luckily took over after hearing what Overactive had to say, said out loud:

"Oh, I'd love to, but I can't. I'm actually on my way out."

Which was totally true. I had a gym class to catch. I said goodbye and left my house 5 minutes later.

True to form, he and I haven't spoken a word since. Almost Girl strikes again! The girl who gets checked out sometimes, but never asked out. If this keeps up, I might have to change the name of this blog. You think I'm kidding.

So, what do you think? Did I screw up? Should I have gone into his house? Did he think I was turning him down? Can I remedy the situation? I feel I made the first move and now it's his turn. Perhaps I'm being too stubborn or old-fashioned. Maybe I should make more cookies.......he seemed to like them the first time. Am I just totally pathetic? Maybe I didn't get The Look. Maybe I got an Almost Look. Or maybe he just had indigestion? Or is he maybe thinking along the lines of "don't dig in your own backyard", so to speak?

Arg. I would give anything to hear the conversations he has with his brain. I wonder how it would go...


Nancy said...

Do you live on Wisteria Lane? *wink*

I'd probably wash my car, water the flowers, or some other lame excuse to be outside on a weekend when you know he is home ... it's his turn to approach you ... if he doesn't ... burn his house down for attention ... it worked for Susan =)

Scotty said...

Yeah! Get out there and give him more of a reason to talk to you!

cmk said...

My dear, you made the first move, now it is up to him. And if he DOESN'T make a move on you, then he isn't worth it! As the others said, just give him the opportunity and let things happen. Good luck.

Phantom Hater said...

From the other side of things:

Horny Cute Neighbor said: "Ooh, she's hot and smells good. I wonder what she would look like without that jean skirt."

Shy CN said: "Crap, I think she noticed me checking her out."

Single CN said: "Well, at least she can bake. I have trouble boiling water, so that might come in handy."

Confident CN growled, in a deep, manly voice: "Using that SPF 60 sunscreen has paid off. My flawless, milky white skin, as well as hours spent pounding the drums and building my arms up has her in thrall."

Horny CN piped in again: "yeah, pounding..."

Cynical CN said: "She's probably just trying to be nice. She probably thinks I'm a porn addict or an Xbox fiend."

Horny CN said: "Yeah, up against the walls, making out like teenagers, cookie crumbs smeared all over our lips. MMMmmm.."

Hungry CN and Shy CN were in agreement: "MMMM...cookie!"

Horny CN agreed: "MMMmmmm...I love her cookies."

Shy CN butted in: "I wasn't talking about that. You always think with your penis, and not your heart."

Dorky CN: "She looks just like that hot elf on World of Warcraft. I need to IM wizard6639 and tell him about her. lol lmao rofl."

Horny CN: " elf..."

OK, so my point is, I think everybody has all those conflicting parts of their brain, and overanalyze things. You're hilarious, by the way.

Matilda Jane said...

Wait... his move? Holy hell...
He probably has no idea the cookies were a move at all. Guys are pretty clueless unless you stick your hands directly into their pants... which you should have done.
You brought cookies to everyone... not just him. So, at best... he just thinks you're a cookie fairy.

If you're going to bring cookies to people, you need to make sure it's at a time when you have some extra minutes to chat. You can't just cookie bomb and run.

Meghan (The Declaration of MY Independence) said...

Can I just tell you how much I love dorks? Dorks don't stand you up, dorks are always on time, and dorks have good jobs. I think its time that woman of the world start going for dorks.

How long ago did you give him the cookies? I say go back over and give him more, he obviously liked them, but this time have sometime to talk to him.

Maybe wear a shorter jean skirt? LOL.

Phantom Hater said...

You could have stuck the cookie directly into his pants, but that might have sent a mixed message too. I wish there was a Cookie Fairy, but if she was like the Tooth Fairy she would probably take cookies instead of leaving them. Ain't no damn fairy taking my cookies.

Stuck said...

I'm wondering what is wrong with being a Dungeons & Dragons geek...

Also, I'm going to have to agree with MJ. A guy does not consider you delivering cookies to everyone on the block "a move." Hell, most of us don't consider a girl winking at us a move. In fact, most of us have NO IDEA when a girl is expressing interest.

We speak different languages. Just point at his crotch and grunt. If he points at your chest/crotch and grunts back, consider that "a move."

Christina said...

How about leaving him a cookie with a note to come by for dinner X time next week?

patti_cake said...

I say send him some more cookies! They seemed to be the magic charm last time and this time GO IN THE HOUSE

lenfercestlesautres said...

lol, I love how you describe the little voices in your brain!

kimmykins13 said...

Glad you posted - I was starting to worry about you.

I think you should take him more cookies over the weekend, dress cute and hope he asks you in again. He probably will and this time you will be prepared and not taken off guard like last time. Also, of course take the cookies over during a time when you have nothing left to do for the day. Who knows, maybe you all will hang out the rest of the day and end up making that Lasagne. Hope so!

Coco said...

Hey-I don't think you did a thing wrong. I would feel a bit weird about going into some guys house I just met 2 minutes ago too . . .and there is no reason in the world that just because you had to go somewhere, he would think you were giving him the brush off (unless he saw you 5 minutes later sitting outside sunning yourself). The cookies were a nice gesture, and if he IS interested (which seriously, how could he not be at least a bit intrigued??) hopefully he will find his own excuse to come over and say "hi" at some point soon.

Virginia Belle said...

nancy -- excellent idea! i mean about being outside, not burning the house down.

scotty -- yes, that should probably be my strategy.

cmk -- yeah, that's kinda how i see it. i mean, it's not like he doesn't know where i live. it would not take TOO much effort for him to contact me.

PH-- omg, i almost just peed in my pants. seriously, i think everyone in the office just heard me laughing. YOU are hilarious. hold on to your cookies. that cookie fairy is a greedy bitch!

MJ-- yeah, i totally cookie bombed. you are making sense to me....i know you are happy about that. i am cookie fairy, not cute, potentially interested and single neighbor girl to him.

meghan -- i'm telling you, i'm looking for a dork. i have seen the light. and a shorter skirt? no way. no one should ever be subjected to cellulite unless they ask for it.

stuck-- it wasn't necessarily a "move" on my part. i just wanted to get a better look at him and i wanted him to be aware of my existence. i was hoping the rest would kinda take care of itself...guess i was wrong. he probably thinks i shot him down. you crack me up w/your grunting idea. and yeah, D&D? for most girls, um, not so much....

christina -- WHOA! easy, tiger! THAT would be a move. jeez. file that idea under "things VB is too much of a wuss to ever consider doing"

patti cake -- this is probably what i will end up doing. i like to stick w/what works.

len-- see, i told you i wrote this so you could laugh at me.

kimmykins -- good point on making sure schedule is all clear for rest of day. that is key.

Dixie said...

I say go over and tell him that your cookies may be good but your lasagna is better and that you are making it (whenever) and would he like to come over for dinner.

It's what I'd do!

Fluffycat said...

I agree with the inviting him over for lasagna dinner. As many of the commenters said, he probably didn't see it as a move, but a second batch of cookies and a home-cooked meal would probably work. A way to a man's heart is through his stomach, though I'm not sure if your Horny voice is interested in his heart.

Kraig said...

as a guy who loves tuning in and reading, and also a completely single dork, heres my take.

He sees this hot, friendly girl from next door who bakes cookies. Checks you out, and the proceeds to do what every geek does...

convinces himself you're not interested because he's a geek, and you were just being nice.

Not going in was a good move though. Hes checked you out, might be secretly interested, but no awkward moment existing immediately.

best bet. find an excuse to talk to him. If he's mowing the lawn or something and you can find an excuse to have him come over and do something for you (paying knight in shining armor always gives a guy confidence ;) ), then invite him over to diner.

Nancy said...

Print this post and the comments out and duct tape it to his front door! LOL

coffeesnob said...

boy is it crowded in there. i'm surprised she gets anything done.

no man who is genuinely interested, or even just curious, is going to be put off because you didn't stop inside.

teahouse said...

Seriously..two cute guys within a 10 foot radius of your house?? You are lucky!!

My neighbors are a 90-year-old woman who hates me and always complains about me to the board, and two single women in their 30s. Boring!!

Debbie said...

*sigh* you are a lucky girl with 2 cute neighbors. I have neighbors from hell above me, and on 3 sides. It sucks.

I love reading your blog, you are one funny girl... especially when the multiple personalities make an appearance. lol

RWA said...

OK, you have to get rid of all of those other little "voices" and just keep the good ones!!!!

tallglassofvino said...

OMG, I LOVE that you have more voices in your head than *I* do. hehehehe [grin]

Virginia Belle said...

dixie - i guess it's worth a shot, right?

fluffycat - wow. you understand horny brain very well.

kraig -- actually,i like your idea! i do need my air filter changed, and i'm too short to do it. hmmm....

nancy-- OMG that would be so funny!!!! maybe if i was moving and i knew i'd never see him again....

coffeesnob -- yes, not much gets accomplished. i really need to do laundry. glad to hear that he wasn't offended by me not going in. whew!

teahouse -- yeah, ok, but there is nothing to envy because NOTHING IS HAPPENING. they might as well be living in...zimbabwe or something. other than the occasional eye candy, i don't have diddly squat.

debbie -- thanks!......i think.... :)

rwa-- that is easier said than done.

tgov --oh, that isn't even all of them. i didn't include "the voice of mom", pity party voice, super-confident voice, bad girl voice or guilty catholic school girl voice. i've got lots.