Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Tag! I'm It!

I've been tagged by Evel. (If you don't read her blog, you should. She's hysterical. Ever wonder what those tech support people are really thinking when you call about your messed up computer? She will tell you! And you know what? You sound like a total idiot.)

My job here today is to tell you 8 tidbits of info about me. I bet I have already done this tag....and surprisingly, I haven't told you everything about me. SHOCKER! This tag came at a good time, since I have lots going on, yet nothing which would entitle an entire post. Here goes.

Oh, heads up. If you have a weak stomach, you might want to skip #1.

1. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. For a legitimate reason, this time. I have been informed by my gyno that there is too much protein in my urine, and so I have to go back to the office and let them insert who-knows-what into you-know-where so they can make sure my kidneys are working properly. Fuckfuckfuckityfuckfuck. They think I am not peeing into the cup correctly and I am contaminating my own urine samples with excess protein from who knows what. It wouldn't be a surprise if this is true, as they have a 12-step process for peeing into the cups there. You need a PhD to follow their procedure. Anyway, using a catheter is a fail-proof way of seeing if the problem is my idiocy or my kidneys. The only reason I am volunteering to cooperate with this whole catheter idea is because I know it might be preventing a future kidney stone. Now that you have read this, I know you are thinking one of the following:
A) Ouch!
B) Ew!
C) This sounds like a job for Vicodin! or
D) *raises hand, as if to ask a question in class* Um, but why does the gyno care about that hole?

To which I reply: Exactly!!!!

2. Further proof that I did indeed make a 4.0 in library school (aka "The Place Where You Learn How to Be a Stalker and Get Paid for It"): I found Cute Neighbor's myspace page yesterday. I found it because I found out his last name through public records. Along with the full names of all my neighbors. And some details about Hot Neighbor's divorce. And his driving record. And where he used to live. But whatever. That's basic stuff. *raises hand in swearing manner* I promise never to use my powers for evil purposes. But if you want me to do some stalking for you, I charge $25/hour for my services (see #3, below).

3. I am trying to sell Toby. Because I get these things called "bills" in my "mailbox". And it's either sell the dog or sell my body at this point. And please, no sympathy for the dog. He should have thought about this before he chewed off my windowsill. And pooped all over my house.

4. Sometimes I geek out WAAAAAY too much. Examples:

A)I was just on Netflix, reviewing my queue. I had forgotten that once I discovered the "documentaries" section on Netflix, I had gone totally crazy: history, science, pop culture, animals, foreign cities, diseases, religions, art, you name it. For some reason, though, the following must have sounded interesting to me: The Natural History of the Chicken. Whaaaaaaaa???
B) And now that I'm going to NYC, I am entirely too excited about it, and have checked out 3 travel guides from the library. I'm going to look over those before I even get on the plane. I just put an 8 volume "History of NYC" documentary at the top of my Netflix queue. And read up on all the well-known NYC neighborhoods in Wikipedia. (You can quiz me, even!) And I'm working on my "First Trip to NYC" Soundtrack. Today I'm going to see if I really can get tickets to Spamalot. (Ok, you know and I know that is impossible, but I am curious to see just how much it would cost.) It is probably the ONLY musical I would ever get excited to see....ok, I just looked it up. Some tickets are as low as $36. Who knew???? I am seriously out of control, people!!!
C) I think I might spend this afternoon going back through all my posts and editing my post labels. (Just having typed that, I'm not too surprised about this dry spell I'm having....jeez. *sighs and rolls eyes*)

5. I'm really good about taking other people's advice and learning from others' mistakes. Example: MJ says Times Square is a royal pain in the neck and sucks. I believe her. So I will not be visiting this famous landmark. Unless it's because I am going to Spamalot. (Besides, um, what the hell do tourists do there, anyway? Look at the big lit-up signs??? Big deal. Send me a postcard, you know?) Some people call it "blind trust", I call it "never having to hear 'I told you so'."

6. When I go to Vermont on this upcoming trip, it will be the farthest north I've ever been. There'd better not be any snow. And I want to see a Ben & Jerry's on every corner!

7. When I was home at The Czarina's recently, I was helping her clean the house. The wall by the stairs has a bunch of old framed family documents and pictures (diplomas, paintings, etc.) hanging on it. I was looking at them while I dusted. One of the framed items is a promotional brochure from my great-great-grandfather's dentistry practice, dating back to about the 1880s. (If you knew my family, it would not surprise you in the least that we not only saved that, but also framed it.) Now, I knew that side of my family was from upstate New York, so I figured he was a dentist somewhere in northern New York. But according to this brochure, his office was located on W. 151st St., NYC! Cool, huh? All this time, I thought I had no NYC connections. I asked MJ if we would have time to maybe go see the building, but she pointed out that 151st street is in Harlem, and it might not be a good idea. Also, it's hella out there, almost in the Bronx.

8. I just found out this week that I type 65 words per minute.

Ok, I am supposed to tag 8 people.....but it's lunchtime, and I gotta go. If you want to do it, knock yourself out!


Phantom Hater said...

1D. I'm not even sure which hole you're talking about. Stop hitting the protein shakes.

2. That's a little crazy. Of course, I guess you do work in a library.

3. Never get two dogs! I've told so many people about this. Unless you're a total dog person, it never seems to work out in the way you think it will.

4. Oh my God. An 8-volume series? A soundtrack? How long are you going to be in NY? I read these blogs for a while and then I find out how truly insane people are. Stuck's into BDSM, and you probably catalogue your toenail clippings.

Just A Girl said...

good luck with the protein.
sluething is fun.
I know how you feel about giving up the dog. I need to get rid of mine, but I feel so horrible about it.
Times Square was a must see for me, but not for everyone.

Stuck said...

"Some people call it blind trust, I call it never having to hear I told you so."

So, what did you call ignoring my advice about Repo after he got his ass kicked by some dudes from Clemson? And ignoring the advice before that? You're lucky I'm not the sort of guy who says "I told you so."

Stuck said...

Oh... and I told you so.


Matilda Jane said...

There's only one thing I can think of that would contaminate the cup with extra protein......

Virginia Belle said...

PH-- 1. ew. i hate protein shakes. The Czarina thinks I'm not drinking enough water. Although, I've read that more people in the southeastern US get kidney stones than anywhere else in north america. 2. really? you think that's crazy? i bet you wouldn't be saying that if it was about someone you were curious about!
3. now you tell me. 4. oh, and you're SO normal??

just a girl -- yeah, in some ways, i love toby to death....but in other ways, i also love paying my bills on time.

stuck -- dammit, stuckey!!! jeez. i don't take your advice ONCE and i never stop hearing about it!!!! i'm going to go look up all this supposed "ignored" advice to set the record straight. i'm sure, at some point, you also advised me to do something really stupid.

penis to you, too. *sticks out tongue*

MJ -- oh my god. it's official. you have been hanging around me too much. only i would think of comments like that. sick, sick, sick. we should think up some more perverted comments over cigarettes.

i WISH that was where the extra protein was coming from....*sigh*

lenfercestlesautres said...

Goddamn, MJ, that's what I wanted to say!

PH, I'm really, really surprised you haven't called me crazy yet.

Phantom Hater said...

You guys are gross.

Actually, I did a little research, and there is only about 6mg of protein in a normal-sized ejaculation, unless you're Peter North.

Some people ask the darndest things...

Don't feel left out, len. I think I did say that all women are crazy at one point.

lenfercestlesautres said...

Yeah, but I'm sure you know that women want men to make them feel special. Awesome link btw.

RWA said...

Let's see. Kidney stones are no fun; I know from experience. I'm willing to bet that this exam is much better than having a stone surgically removed.

Public records, huh? Sounds like you earned a 4.0 in Stalker. Just kidding.

Sorry about Toby, but I know the feeling. You'll find a good home for him, I'm sure.

Dixie said...

I've had to be catheterized before. Just a warning. It hurts. Muchly. But it has to be better than passing a kidney stone.

teahouse said...

Hey, I'm halfway through that history of NYC documentary series myself!!

You're going to love it here. My favorite neighborhood is the Upper West Side. Of course I'm not biased :o)

M said...

the doctors office thinks you can't pee in a cup properly?

i suggest you drop your pants and show them your technique. it mightbe embarrassing but it would be less painful than a catheter.

good luck(-:

Stick said...

At least your catheter will be done under consent. Unlike dating a nurse with a sense of humour and waking up with one in.

Meh. Either way.

Sam said...

If I finish yer damn template you need to find my paternal grandfather. Or I'll spank you.