Sunday, August 19, 2007

Almost Girl Strikes Again!


I open the door. It's Hot Neighbor.

"Thank effing God you did your hair today," says Single Girl.

"AND you're wearing a top that makes your boobs look good!" says Pervert.

"Good job! Because he's here to ask you out!!!" shouts Stupidly Optimistic.

"Yeah, right. Didn't you see how Hoochie McSkankerton and her little blue convertible were camped out at his house ALL DAY today? Exactly how stupid are you? They probably spent the whole day in bed, which is why they ordered a pizza instead of going out to eat. He probably wants to ask you about something neighborly," retorts Cynical.

"Hi," I say.

"Hey," says Hot Neighbor. He looks hot. Obviously.

Then he sort of mumbles something along the lines of, "I need to ask you something...I was wondering if you'd ever want to go to church or dinner sometime...with me..."

"Church??!" shout all the Voices in chorus, utterly confused.

"Who cares about that. We need to know the Hoochie status," states Practical, flatly.

"Um, wouldn't your girlfriend get kind of upset about that?" I ask.

"Oh, who cares about her? There's no rings on any fingers. Jeez, will you let the man ask you out?" says Inner Mom Voice.

"Oh. Um, well, it's not really like that. She's not my girlfriend. She and I are kind of....pulling apart," he explains. I have caught him off-guard. His face is red now. Too cute.

"Pulling apart? What, like dinner rolls? WTF does that mean? Six months into something, you're either together or you're not," says Good Point.

"Obviously, this means they're not! Now, squish your boobs together!" shouts Single Girl.

"Oh. Ok," I reply.

The Voices are cheering and doing cartwheels. There are rumors of a party being planned in my honor. The phrase "ice sculpture" was mentioned, and then vetoed.

"See?! I knew that stupid Hoochie McSkankerton wouldn't last!" exclaims Stupidly Optimistic.

"Yeah, she looks like a South Beach hooker!" blurts Gossipy.

Hot Neighbor continues: "I mean, if my status with her ever changed or anything, I would definitely let you know...just like if our status ever changed, I would let her know. I mean, can't a guy and a girl just hang out as friends?" Hot Neighbor mumbled.

[Insert that party-interrupting record-scratch sound often heard in awkward movie scenes here.]

"WTF does that mean????" shout all the Voices together.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" says Space Cadet. "I was still thinking about how Hoochie looks like a stripper."

"Aha! Did you hear that? 'Friends.' I knew it. He wants you to give him advice on how to mend his relationship with his girlfriend. He wants a shoulder to cry on. And you're going to do it, because you're a big fat sucker," says Cynical, snidely.

I have no idea what to say. Friends? Status? Huh?

The Voices go into overdrive.

"Is he asking you out? Because you don't have any plans next weekend, " says Single Girl.

"It sounded like it, didn't it?!" shrieks Stupidly Optimistic.

"Or is he lonely?" wonders Overly Analytical.

"Is he looking for a re-bound? Because we might want to go for this idea," says Horny.

"OMG, does he want a threesome or something???!!!" squeals Pervert.

"Dude, SO not happening," states Prisspot.

"That's it! He just said it! You're in The Friend Zone (TFZ). Because really, there's no way he's actually asking you out right now." states Pessimistically Paranoid.

"Does he honestly think you are unaware of Hoochie & her weekend sleepovers? Is he trying to pull a fast one on his girlfriend? Or have his cake and eat it, too? Who the hell does this guy think he is?" huffs Bitch Mode.

"Easy, Bitch Mode," warns Logical.

Obviously, my brain was rapidly approaching system overload. I cannot think of what to say. Did this guy just admit that he is currently with her........or not? And does he want to date me....or not? Is he saying he wants a "trial" date or something? This is all very strange. I have never been asked out by a guy who admits to still having a girlfriend. Usually, it's single guys who ask me out. Go figure. I guess I have to give him points for being honest, right?

Luckily, he keeps talking:

"I mean, I know you aren't from here, and you don't know a ton of people, so I thought that well, we could hang out sometime, I mean, we live right next to each other and we don't know each other that well...." he trails off.

I am still dumbfounded.

"I cook!" Hot Neighbor declares, lighting up. This made me giggle.

"Ok, sounds good," I said as I smiled.

"Alright, well, don't be surprised if I knock on your door sometime to see if you want to grab some dinner," he said.

"Ok, I'd like that," I said.

He says goodbye and walks back to his house. I'm standing there, absorbing all of this, with my door open.

Good Point asks, "Wait, he never actually made a date, did he? Does this mean you're Almost Girl again?"

The Voices all groan together, "Oh no! Not 'Almost Girl'!!!! Not again!!"

And that's when both my dogs flew out the door. Great.

I have no shoes on. Great.

Hot Neighbor has his sprinkler going. My dogs make a beeline for it. They will be wet. Great.

Actually, it ended up being good, because Hot Neighbor and I talked for another 5 minutes while he helped me corral my dogs and get them back inside.

No, not like that. Don't get all Stupidly Optimistic on me. Just small talk. Then I got my dogs and went inside.

Remember, he didn't actually ask me out. He ALMOST did.

This guy is trying to date two girls at the same time. I think. Or else he's stringing along his ex while he decides if he wants to date me instead. Like I'm his backup plan or something. He won't let Hoochie go until he's sure he wants to be with me. And I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.

At least, I think that's what's going on.

For the first time, I actually feel sorry for Hoochie.

So, what do you think? Did he ask me out or not? Why didn't he set a date? Do you really think Hoochie McSkankerton is totally out of the picture? If so, then why has she been over almost every day for the past week--even seemingly spending the night? She must have a key, because she's been inside his house, waiting for him to get home from work a couple of times. I mean, she's obviously still in the picture. Am I in TFZ?

More importantly, why am I not excited about any of this? I have had a crush on him for so long, but now that it has seemingly happened (both MJ & KT think he just asked me out on a date), I don't even have butterflies or feel excited. I think it's because I'm sketched out by the girlfriend. If he's still with her in any way, I just don't know how I feel about that. I am really not up for being part of Hot Neighbor's harem or being The Other Woman or anything like that. I'm not saying that I need to have him all to myself, but he needs to be fair to both of us. Which, I guess he just said he would do....ugh, I am TOTALLY confused!!!

And is it bad that I think less of him for not just making a clean break with her? I mean, if it's not working, be a man and break up with her officially, you know? If he's sleeping with her, I would NOT feel right going out with him. AT ALL. I just don't think that would be right. Besides, if she's as possessive as NS says, she's probably a psycho, too. And I definitely prefer my life to be drama-free.

I need help, people. Ugh, I HATE being Almost Girl!!!


Barb said...

I think he attempted to ask you out and freak. I know that for me, I like to hang out with someone as friends first before going on a date. It's too much pressure for me to be in the "he likes me" situation with a complete stranger. I have to be friends with them first and then date them. This could be why I'm single. Anyway, I think he's my dating doppelganger and that's his way of getting to know you so that you can date.

cmk said...

I think Barb is on the right track. Maybe this is his way of not having to deal with the 'first date' awkwardness--you think? This MAY be a way for you to hang out with him and see if you REALLY think there could be a connection--or you could see if the friend route is the way you want to go. Try it--it couldn't hurt, could it?

Lady Wanderlust said...

I think he had a vague idea of asking you out and then freaked as Barb suggests, and/or felt sheepish and balked when you asked him about Hoochie McScankerton. (PS: I like Mc nickname. I've bestowed Mc names on people many a time). In any case, just go with it. I'm sure South Beach stripper can find someone new if necessary.

coffeesnob said...

maybe you should that csi crew (in your head) away for a holiday.

Sam said...

Hilarious post...but WTF? Hot Neighbor needs to get his shit together. Totally.

Smug said...

Well, his friend (that you discussed a few posts back) probably said something to him about you. Maybe he is just trying to be casual to see if you guys have anything in common. On the ex-girlfriend thing - I had a male friend who kept trying to end things with this girl and she wanted to "talk about things" all the time! He was too nice to just dump her cold, and she was hoping that she could wear him down and make him take her back. I set him up with another friend of mine and this helped him work up the nerve to make a full break with the ex, and he and my friend are getting married next month! Just saying, you never know until you know!! Good Luck!

Kraig said...

"just like if our status ever changed, I would let her know"

He's interested, but is to scared to come out and ask. Probably hoping to get to know you, hang out as friend, see if theres chemistry.

As for the ex, are those situations ever NOT complicated? Maybe giving him the benefit of the doubt for now, going out with him (as friends) and getting to know him would be a good start.

Then, if things take a serious turn, you'll know about the ex situation a bit better and can deal.

JP said...

This boy is enough to drive a woman to drink. Maybe he is just a nice Christian guy like NS said and he can't just tell the Skank to move on. And maybe she sleeps in the guest room. I don't think you should count this as a date-follow your own rules. I'm sure it took a lot for him to come over that day, but he only gets a couple of points because he didn't actually set a date or activity. Don't settle for a half-assed invite :)

Stuck said...

He came over to ask you out and he got nervous because you immediately put him on the spot about Hoochie. You don't know the whole story with her, and you won't until you ask him, or at least until you hang out with him long enough for him to tell you about her. Until you know, don't assume.

Phantom Hater said...

Well, here's my take on this.

It's obvious he's still strung up with HMcS, but who knows what the real story is?
Why it doesn't bode well for you:

As we all know, the quickest way to get over someone is to replace them, meet someone new. I do think you will be placed squarely into rebound status here.

I know you have a big crush on this guy, and a date or whatever would feed your ego, but there are a couple obvious warning signs. I think his approach sucked (definitely not much of a PUA, so I guess he just gets by on his hotness) and his description of the GF or whatever she is was a little strange. He got very defensive on that point. I definitely think he was trying to ask you out on a date, but he did a sloppy job. That or he isn't ready to date yet, and wants to hang out with you and see if he wants to date you. If that sounds appealing, go for it. You don't have to be the "other woman". You aren't committing to anything but hanging out, so what's the big deal?

Matilda Jane said...

you're going to get a complex by listening to any or all of this comment advice. "it's a date" "it's not a date" "you deserve better" "he's doing his best"

For heavens sakes, just go out with him and stop overanalyzing every little thing!

Phantom Hater said...

Yes, you got it, MJ. My whole intention is to drive VB insane with my advice. She's almost there...just another little push...mwahaha!

I laugh everytime I see you write "For heavens sakes". I just can't see you saying that, for some reason.

RWA said...

You have really got to do something about all of those "voices" - at least the ones other than Horny and Pervert.

He asked you out - sort of.

Maybe you should tell him about your blog so he can catch up on your dating advice. That might help him out.

He told you that there was nothing between him and the other woman - just like the other neighbor did. Stop trying to read more into it than there is!!!

Jonathan Zero said...

In my opinion, he didn't pull the trigger. I think he was waiting for you to say something, anything and go from there. And is going to church considered a date? Maybe a church social, my parents met at one of those but that was also 40+ years ago. You could wait and see if and when he does knock and ask you to dinner.

Megan said...

I'd say to hell with analyzing and just go out with the guy. If he doesn't ask you out in the near future, conveniently drop by with cookies and ask him straight faced where your home cooked meal is (and THEN crack a smile). What do you have to lose? Dignity, self-respect? Those are overrated anyway. :)

Good luck!

Dallas Diaries said...

LOl this is too funny!

Okay I'm sorry, I know you're going through alot right now, but this is by far my favorite line:

"Pulling apart? What, like dinner rolls? WTF does that mean?"

Virginia Belle said...

barb -- i guess i just like a little more...assertiveness. i like a guy who knows what he wants and makes that clear. *sigh* unfortunately, i don't think he exists. i think this is the new way to ask girls out. the "almost" ask.

cmk -- i know i know. i'm doing it. if he actually asks me to do something, instead of just talking about it.

lady wanderlust -- yes, i need to just stop thinking about it and give him a shot. i guess.

coffeesnob -- i have gone so far as to buy them plane tickets, to no avail. they are here to stay, unfortunately.

sam-- thank you! finally, someone who sees my side!

smug -- hmmm...i like that story. thank you for sharing!

kraig -- are you a lawyer? because you're very convincing. excellent argument. i think that will be my strategy. and yes, exes are almost always complicated....good point.

jp-- yeah, it's not the most impressive invitation i've ever received...but i will give him the benefit of the doubt THIS time.

stuck -- ok, ok. i'm not assuming. i will be little miss play it by ear.

PH-- correction: i USED to have a big crush on this guy. i kind of gave up a couple months back. so now, his status has been lowered. yes, i need more information on HMcS. i'm going on a lot of assumptions. and yes, his approach was pretty sloppy-- it definitely left something to be desired. but i did kinda put him on the spot....i dont' know how i feel about being rebound girl. i guess i will have to be totally platonic until i get some more info. but yeah, i don't really have anything to lose. hanging out is not a big deal. but what do i wear??? :D

MJ-- yes, ma'am! i need to stop thinking about it. i totally agree. *hums 'let it be'*

PH-- yeah, i don't know if she's ever actually said that in real life....glad you are enjoying driving me insane. i am here to entertain, if nothing else.

rwa-- i think that if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck....and trust me, i would LOVE to be able to somehow subliminally communicate to him all of my dating tips and preferences. you have no idea......

jonathan -- yeah, see, i consider going to church as something you'd do once you are bf/gf or engaged. to me, that's not really a good first date. i'm going to hope for dinner!

megan -- the older i get, the more i agree that those are overrated! LOL yes, i am exhausted from over analyzing. i promise i will stop. now.

dallas diaries -- glad you liked it. i aim to please. :)

Megan said...

gawd you and all your voices crack me up!

Phantom Hater said...

Oh, I forgot to add what you should wear to your church date--
a very pretty, conservative dress, perhaps with a flower pattern...and crotchless panties.

Meghan (The Declaration of MY Independence) said...

Wow, the wierdest things really do always happen to you.

I'm not really too sure what to think about this really, and what I do think about it, is too long to type.

We need to chat!

RWA said...

Don't do it "subliminally."

Just write the URL on a piece of paper and leave it in his mailbox!

FRIGGA said...

I'm sorry I'm late on reading this post but REGARDLESS of his intentions I'd still stay away for the time being.
You've mentioned at least a couple times about Ms Skankerton's possessiveness. Obvisouly if he goes for you and dumps her she won't let go very easily.
And she knows where you live.

My opinion is that you wait until you see that they've made a clean break before you accept any of his halfassed invites.

Just my opinion though (and you are certainly getting more invites then lowly me right now...)

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