I open the door. It's Hot Neighbor.
"Thank effing God you did your hair today," says Single Girl.
"AND you're wearing a top that makes your boobs look good!" says Pervert.
"Good job! Because he's here to ask you out!!!" shouts Stupidly Optimistic.
"Yeah, right. Didn't you see how Hoochie McSkankerton and her little blue convertible were camped out at his house ALL DAY today? Exactly how stupid are you? They probably spent the whole day in bed, which is why they ordered a pizza instead of going out to eat. He probably wants to ask you about something neighborly," retorts Cynical.
"Hi," I say.
"Hey," says Hot Neighbor. He looks hot. Obviously.
Then he sort of mumbles something along the lines of, "I need to ask you something...I was wondering if you'd ever want to go to church or dinner sometime...with me..."
"Church??!" shout all the Voices in chorus, utterly confused.
"Who cares about that. We need to know the Hoochie status," states Practical, flatly.
"Um, wouldn't your girlfriend get kind of upset about that?" I ask.
"Oh, who cares about her? There's no rings on any fingers. Jeez, will you let the man ask you out?" says Inner Mom Voice.
"Oh. Um, well, it's not really like that. She's not my girlfriend. She and I are kind of....pulling apart," he explains. I have caught him off-guard. His face is red now. Too cute.
"Pulling apart? What, like dinner rolls? WTF does that mean? Six months into something, you're either together or you're not," says Good Point.
"Obviously, this means they're not! Now, squish your boobs together!" shouts Single Girl.
"Oh. Ok," I reply.
The Voices are cheering and doing cartwheels. There are rumors of a party being planned in my honor. The phrase "ice sculpture" was mentioned, and then vetoed.
"See?! I knew that stupid Hoochie McSkankerton wouldn't last!" exclaims Stupidly Optimistic.
"Yeah, she looks like a South Beach hooker!" blurts Gossipy.
Hot Neighbor continues: "I mean, if my status with her ever changed or anything, I would definitely let you know...just like if our status ever changed, I would let her know. I mean, can't a guy and a girl just hang out as friends?" Hot Neighbor mumbled.
[Insert that party-interrupting record-scratch sound often heard in awkward movie scenes here.]
"WTF does that mean????" shout all the Voices together.
"I'm sorry, what was that?" says Space Cadet. "I was still thinking about how Hoochie looks like a stripper."
"Aha! Did you hear that? 'Friends.' I knew it. He wants you to give him advice on how to mend his relationship with his girlfriend. He wants a shoulder to cry on. And you're going to do it, because you're a big fat sucker," says Cynical, snidely.
I have no idea what to say. Friends? Status? Huh?
The Voices go into overdrive.
"Is he asking you out? Because you don't have any plans next weekend, " says Single Girl.
"It sounded like it, didn't it?!" shrieks Stupidly Optimistic.
"Or is he lonely?" wonders Overly Analytical.
"Is he looking for a re-bound? Because we might want to go for this idea," says Horny.
"OMG, does he want a threesome or something???!!!" squeals Pervert.
"Dude, SO not happening," states Prisspot.
"That's it! He just said it! You're in The Friend Zone (TFZ). Because really, there's no way he's actually asking you out right now." states Pessimistically Paranoid.
"Does he honestly think you are unaware of Hoochie & her weekend sleepovers? Is he trying to pull a fast one on his girlfriend? Or have his cake and eat it, too? Who the hell does this guy think he is?" huffs Bitch Mode.
"Easy, Bitch Mode," warns Logical.
Obviously, my brain was rapidly approaching system overload. I cannot think of what to say. Did this guy just admit that he is currently with her........or not? And does he want to date me....or not? Is he saying he wants a "trial" date or something? This is all very strange. I have never been asked out by a guy who admits to still having a girlfriend. Usually, it's single guys who ask me out. Go figure. I guess I have to give him points for being honest, right?
Luckily, he keeps talking:
"I mean, I know you aren't from here, and you don't know a ton of people, so I thought that well, we could hang out sometime, I mean, we live right next to each other and we don't know each other that well...." he trails off.
I am still dumbfounded.
"I cook!" Hot Neighbor declares, lighting up. This made me giggle.
"Ok, sounds good," I said as I smiled.
"Alright, well, don't be surprised if I knock on your door sometime to see if you want to grab some dinner," he said.
"Ok, I'd like that," I said.
He says goodbye and walks back to his house. I'm standing there, absorbing all of this, with my door open.
Good Point asks, "Wait, he never actually made a date, did he? Does this mean you're Almost Girl again?"
The Voices all groan together, "Oh no! Not 'Almost Girl'!!!! Not again!!"
And that's when both my dogs flew out the door. Great.
I have no shoes on. Great.
Hot Neighbor has his sprinkler going. My dogs make a beeline for it. They will be wet. Great.
Actually, it ended up being good, because Hot Neighbor and I talked for another 5 minutes while he helped me corral my dogs and get them back inside.
No, not like that. Don't get all Stupidly Optimistic on me. Just small talk. Then I got my dogs and went inside.
Remember, he didn't actually ask me out. He ALMOST did.
This guy is trying to date two girls at the same time. I think. Or else he's stringing along his ex while he decides if he wants to date me instead. Like I'm his backup plan or something. He won't let Hoochie go until he's sure he wants to be with me. And I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.
At least, I think that's what's going on.
For the first time, I actually feel sorry for Hoochie.
So, what do you think? Did he ask me out or not? Why didn't he set a date? Do you really think Hoochie McSkankerton is totally out of the picture? If so, then why has she been over almost every day for the past week--even seemingly spending the night? She must have a key, because she's been inside his house, waiting for him to get home from work a couple of times. I mean, she's obviously still in the picture. Am I in TFZ?
More importantly, why am I not excited about any of this? I have had a crush on him for so long, but now that it has seemingly happened (both MJ & KT think he just asked me out on a date), I don't even have butterflies or feel excited. I think it's because I'm sketched out by the girlfriend. If he's still with her in any way, I just don't know how I feel about that. I am really not up for being part of Hot Neighbor's harem or being The Other Woman or anything like that. I'm not saying that I need to have him all to myself, but he needs to be fair to both of us. Which, I guess he just said he would do....ugh, I am TOTALLY confused!!!
And is it bad that I think less of him for not just making a clean break with her? I mean, if it's not working, be a man and break up with her officially, you know? If he's sleeping with her, I would NOT feel right going out with him. AT ALL. I just don't think that would be right. Besides, if she's as possessive as NS says, she's probably a psycho, too. And I definitely prefer my life to be drama-free.
I need help, people. Ugh, I HATE being Almost Girl!!!