Dinner with Time Bombs

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know my friend (and now, roommate) E is dating a guy I refer to as B. It was B's birthday last week. So a group of us planned to go out to dinner.

Originally, we were going to go to B's favorite place -- The Flying Saucer -- on Friday after everyone got out of work. But on Tuesday, I was informed that it had been changed to Thursday night at Copper River. This change in plans sucked for several reasons:

1. I work on Thursday nights, so I had to find someone to work for me.
2. In order to get to Copper River in time for dinner, ALL of us had to drive in rush hour traffic.
3. Copper River's food sucks, whereas The Saucer's is pretty good.

But I didn't have much say, and one bad night wasn't going to kill me. Plus, E really wanted me to go for moral support. So I worked it out, and drove to meet everyone.

Through 30 minutes of rush hour traffic.

In the rain.

With broken windshield wipers.

Arg.

When I arrived, I was rapidly approaching irritated, to say the least. Who was there?

E&B, obviously.
Also Butter and her man, Country Boy
W & YB (aka Young Balls, her boyf)
Mr. & Mrs. Chemical (oh, the joy)
Two Face (B's little sister)
Me

Hmmm...but where was B's roommate, Rob Thomas? He was supposed to be bringing his new girlfriend. (This is going to be some event, huh?!)

It turns out, the whole reason we even changed all these dinner plans around was because Rob Thomas wanted to, for some scheduling conflict. Because that makes sense: it's not your birthday, and so you feel the need to inconvenience everyone else because of your schedule.

But oopsie! Rob forgot he had a softball game that night, so he wasn't going to be able to make it anyway. He called B to tell him this 15 minutes before dinner started.

Remember, it was raining. So the game was probably canceled. He was more than likely sitting on his couch because someone said he doesn't like to drive across town. WTF???

Ugh. The more I learn about him, the less I like him. What a douche.

Anyway, so we all sit down to dinner. Unfortunately, I sat at the end of the table with Mrs. Chemical and Two Face. Oh boy. Now I know why E wanted me there for moral support. I am the bitch blocker for the evening. So I immediately began to run interference and keep them away from E, at least conversationally. E wisely talked to B for most of dinner.

A little word about Two Face. Apparently, she met me one time a year ago, but I have NO recollection of this. I think her memory is slightly frightening. And while I have no personal reason to call her "Two Face", I have heard nothing but horrible things about her from several people. And these opinions were all offered to me confidentially and independently, by trusted friends of mine. What I've heard, in a nutshell: she's a hypocritical, Bible-beating liar who makes up things to make E look bad in front of B's parents. But to your face, especially if you don't know her, she's the nicest girl you'll ever meet. Wowza. I took a deep breath, smiled, and started with small talk.

Luckily, she and Mrs. Chemical were surprisingly pleasant to me. In fact, if I didn't have pre-conceived notions about both of them, I would have thought I'd made two new friends! I mean, we kinda had a good time....I think....

But in reality, it was more like having dinner with two grenades: I didn't know if/when they were going to explode and whip out their evilness on me. It was fairly stressful, sitting there with a fake smile plastered on my face. I didn't want to ruin B's birthday or cause any problems. Somehow, I made it through without a hint of awkwardness or bitchiness on anyone's part.

"Hmmm," I thought. "Maybe I was wrong about Mrs. Chemical, and she's just one of those people who has to warm up to you. And maybe Two Face is just misunderstood..."

I kept my thoughts to myself until after dinner, when I was alone with W.

"Um, am I crazy, or is Two Face a totally sweet girl?" I asked.

"Oh, no, she's pulled that one on you, huh?" W replied.

"What do you mean?" I asked, puzzled.

"She does that around people she's just met. Little Miss Wonderful. Wait until you hang out with her some more. You'll start seeing the real Two Face," she explained.

Great. I can't wait.

"I'm sure. But what was weird was, even Mrs. Chemical was nice to me," I continued.

"Oh, you must not have seen the two of them whispering to each other after dinner. They were being totally snarky," she said.

I had gone to the bathroom after dinner, and must not have noticed. I nodded in understanding.

"Don't you think it's kind of weird that Mrs. Chemical got her hair dyed the same color as mine just a day after seeing my new hair color?" I asked.

"Oh my gawd. She saw you last Saturday, and just said she changed her color last Sunday. She did, didn't she? That's weird," said W.

(After pointing this coincidence out to several friends, one girl dubbed me "Trendsetter", so now I'm totally ok with it. At first I wanted to get in her face and shout, "Stop copying me!!")

Where was I? Oh yes, our less-than-average meals were over.

Everyone went home after dinner, except me, W and YB. The three of us hung out at the bar for a while. A bunch of YB's buddies arrived and we all had a good time. As we were hanging out, I began to notice how many men were there.

"W, this is awesome. It's a total man buffet in here! I mean, I'd heard good things, but now I know! I've just never had the opportunity to come up here at night. And this is just a Thursday! Imagine what a Saturday would be like! And there's all kinds of guys, too. Not just one kind!" I gushed.

"Ooh, yeah, there are a lot of guys in here, aren't there?" she replied. (I was momentarily taken aback at her temporary blindness to all things hunky. We were surrounded by waves of manly goodness!! Must be because of YB's presence. He was impairing her vision.)

I sighed with happiness. "Aah, a new place! I'm glad I wore this low cut top!" I thought. "Ugh, unless that's what Mrs. Chemical and Two Face were whispering about....actually, who gives a crap what they think. No one likes them. And I have great boobs."