Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Dirty Laundry

I was eating my breakfast this morning. Crunchy peanut butter on top of a crunchy granola bar. Yummmm....then I sneezed. I sneezed crunchy peanut butter mixed with drool all over the front of my shirt. And you know what? I am not going home at lunch to change my shirt. This shirt is perpetually dirty. And I'm sick of it. Do you have any shirts like that--you wash them, wear them and immediately get something on them? I hate that. This blue shirt I'm wearing today is like that. I have a purple and a white one that are the same way. So. Annoying. But at least I always know where to find them: they're in my dirty clothes.

FedSucksy called me last night. We basically repeated the same conversation we had the night before. This is stupid. I have better things to do with my time. Hot or not, I am telling him to bite me if he calls again. He is a waste of my time. What am I going to do, date him until he stands me up again? Whatever. I don't think so. I don't need an apology that badly.

Ok, do you want the bad confession or the good confession first? What was that? Bad? Ok.

Bad Confession: I awoke this morning to 2 texts from Repo. I think my heart stopped for a second. Were these the texts I had been hoping for? The "This is a huge mistake. We have to stay together." kind of text? Or the "I miss you. Please let's talk." text? Um, no. I don't have luck like that.

The first text was meant for his sister. (Or was it???) He apparently got his dad's ring back from his ex, Jessica Simpson. (This is good, because she's had it forever and his dad has passed away. He's been asking her for it for weeks.) The second text was an apology to me saying he meant to send the first one to his sister. I replied that it is ok, and I was glad he got the ring back. The end, right? Wrong.

Of course, the next logical thing is for me to start crying, right? Right. And I've been on the brink of tears all day since. I forgot that between the "I Need Closure, So Gimme My Stuff Back" stage and the "I'm Cynical" stage is the worst stage of all: the "I Miss Him" stage. I forgot it doesn't happen until you have made it clear you want zero contact. Dammit. I hate this. I am totally vulnerable now. I am sad. I am worried that I made a mistake. I am worried that I will never see him again or talk to him again. All I can do is re-play all the good memories over and over in a loop in my mind. And ask a zillion "What if...?" questions. Even more so, I am worried I will never feel this way about someone again. All I want is to get back together. Now. And pretend none of this even happened. If he calls me, I am a goner.

And I just texted that to him: "I hate this." --which he probably won't understand. Because it is out of context for him. Maybe he will ignore it.

So now I'm going to spend the next 48 hours being The Girl Who Checks Her Phone Every 5 Minutes. I hate that girl. I hate being her. Just when I get enough strength to stop being her, I do a U-turn and I'm back to square one.

I forgot how much breakups like this suck. For the past 3 years, I've only had those "Oh, yeah, well, I never really saw myself with you, anyway. It's been real. Nice knowin' ya!" kind of break-ups. The ones that sting for about 3 days, and then it's like it never happened. This one is different. It's a big one. The slow, painful kind where for months, I will come home from bad dates or going out to the bars and dissolve into a heap on the floor, shoulders shaking. Then I will strip off my single girl outfit, crawl into bed without washing my face and cry myself to sleep.

Why do I do this to myself? I must enjoy torturing myself. I gotta snap out of it.

Good Confession: No cigarettes since Saturday!!!! Although, after today, I don't know how long that will last....

I guess I'm not done being sad, yet, guys. Hang in there. You might have to bear with for a while....

Today is K's birthday. I made her homemade cheesecake. Two, actually. Tonight we are going to meet up with some of her friends at a Mexican restaurant. (MMMM! This will definitely improve my mood. I heart Mexican food.) It should get my mind off of stuff. Maybe even until it's time for me to go to bed.

17 comments:

anny said...

gosh i luv how u can just say anything on ur blog. mine sucks cuz too many ppl i know read it so i gotta be all cryptic. how liberating it must be. ps - i also have been that girl who checks her phone every few secs :)

charming, but single said...

:(

You did the right thing. I don't know that there's anything else I can say other than that. Sorry babe.

Maybe we should trade cell phones and that way we won't be tempted to text ...

sassafras said...

Darling, I will bear with you for as long as it takes! As you reminded me a while back, this is YOUR blog, talk about it every day if you need to! Hugs =)

the shrewness said...

one word of advice... margaritas! they really dont solve anything, but by the end of the night, youll be too numb.

at least thats what ive heard. :)

sending some might good thoughts and hugs your way...

Gypsy said...

It's completely understandable that you'd feel this way. Chin up and tits out! Or, in the immortal words of every Adam Sandler movie, you can do it!

CharlestonGuy said...

I suggest you go to your local grocery/drug store and stand by the condoms. Ask the first person who buys the XXL Magnums to go home with you right then, right now.

Enjoy being single!

ps - I shop at Kroger and I'll be there around 6!

Autumn said...

Don't worry VB, we've all had a turn being that girl!

Just try to muddle your way thorough this icky part of things as best you can. We're all here for you!

Jonathan said...

Take his number out of your cellphone so you will not be tempted to call or text him. That is, if you do not want to have contact with him. A friend of mine did this when some guy she wanted nothing to do with kept calling her, changed the contact name from his name to "DO NOT ANSWER". I think it worked. Be true to yourself.

stella said...

To tottaly change the subject, I got a library card today and thought of you :-)

I agree about deleting his phone number.

Congrats on the cigarettes! You're doing great!

cmk said...

The greatest thing about having a blog is it is a place where you can rant--as long as you want! And ranting helps a lot--it helps get 'it' out of your system. So, keep ranting--there will always be someone here to 'listen' and be here for you.

Miss Fire said...

Yes, it's completely understandable. And we have all been that girl. You can't get over him overnight. Just keep telling yourself this is all perfectly normal.

And very very good on the cigs!

Matilda Jane said...

Hey Gal!
Charleston guy by far wins the comment contest!
Anywhoo... you KNOW that text was totally meant for you!!! I used to do that all the time when I was the psycho ex-girlfriend! "oops, I didn't mean to send you that 'hello sexy, wanna come over for a booty call?' text... yeah, that's totally the new made up guy I'm not seeing"

*picturing you sneezing chunkiness* hahaha

Red said...

I feel for ya sweetie... It will get better though.

Virginia Belle said...

anny-- well, my mom doesn't know about it. and neither does my boss (hopefully). other than that, pretty much everyone knows. i just don't give a...well, you know.

charming-- thanks for the sympathy. yeah, it's hard. but we have to BE STRONG!!!!

sassafras-- oh yeah. i did say that. thanks for the reminder!

shrewness-- thanks chica, but i don't drink. however, i am a big fan of these little pills...that make me numb....so it's all good.

gypsy-- oh, you reminded me of a saying me and my girlfriends have: "Knockers up, girls! knockers up!" -- it's our rallying cry. It gets us stoked about meeting cute guys...

CG-- as usual, you make me laugh out loud. thanks for making me smile. you kill me, dude.

autumn-- thanks sweetie. good to know i'm not alone in my ridiculous behavior.

jonathan-- whoa. i would need an intervention to do that. no way am i that tough with myself. i have my limits.

stella-- YAY!! very cool! i wish i could say the same about my cigarettes! yeah, i relapsed yesterday. i was crying!!! i needed them!!!

cmk-- thanks. i know you are new here (or are you?) and so i just want to emphasize that i try really hard not to have depressing posts! i'm usually a happy person, i promise!!!

miss fire-- yeah, i do feel kind of stupid considering we only dated for 5 months. but some people just get under your skin, ya know?

MJ-- i know! CG cracks me up. yeah, i agree--i'm sure the text was "an accident". and yeah, my PB sneeze was pretty funny/gross!

red- thanks. 'preciate it.

wessexleague said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
NML said...

You have definitely done the right thing. You put your feelings and priorities first and didn't put up with half measures. Of course it hurts but one day it will feel better. Excuse previous comment!

Anne said...

I have taken the number out of my phone. But I have it memorized so that doesnt really do me any good. But I tried it anyway.

You know..I kind of doubt that it was an accident. I have been guilty of an "accidental" text message or two. *sigh*

I feel so bad for you. Eat cheesecake..that will help.