Thursday, November 30, 2006

Thursday 13

Thirteen Reasons I'm Going to Hell

1. I honked at a little old man yesterday. Twice. Because he wouldn't turn right on red. I freaking hate old people.

2. I was slightly rude to the door-to-door financial planner that interrupted my watching of the Tyra Banks episode of Driven this morning. Why don't they hear me when I say, "Thanks, but I already have a 401(k)."? Don't they realize that if I were interested in their services, I probably would have contacted them myself?

3. I cuss. A lot. Constantly. If I'm not saying it out loud, I'm saying it in my head. And I never really make any attempt at cleaning up my act. Because I don't really care.

4. When I was six, I was in line at the grocery store. I wanted The Czarina to buy me this lollipop that doubled as a whistle, because I thought it was the coolest thing ever. She wouldn't get it for me, and I pitched a fit. So when she wasn't looking, I stole two of them--a grape one and a red one (strawberry, I think). When we got home, I hid under her bed and ate them as fast as I could so I wouldn't get busted. But you see, I'm stupid because the whole reason I wanted the lollipop was because it was a whistle. And since I was in hiding, I couldn't test out the whistle feature. Dumbass.

I have never told anyone that story before in my whole life!

5. I had this really annoying German teacher in high school. She used to talk to us like we were kindergarteners. So irritating. Anyway, she was kind of stupid about answer keys, and she would always leave them laying around. So we used to run up to the front of the room whenever she'd leave, and copy down all the answers. I cheated on several quizzes. [Note in my defense: I would have aced the quizzes anyway. I was a German whiz. I cheated because I wanted to get back at her for being so annoying. Which was dumb, because I really should have been cheating on my math quizzes, which I flunked repeatedly.]

6. Ok, this one is really hard to admit. And again, I've never told anyone this story before. I really am going to hell for this one, you guys. I've had more guilt over this than anything else I've ever done. When I was in high school, I was dating this guy. For Christmas, he got me two little birds. At the time, I loved them. But once he and I broke up, their constant chirping began to grate on my nerves. They were feathered reminders of a failed relationship. So I sorta.....kinda..."forgot" to feed them. You have no idea how terrible I feel about this to this day. That was just w-r-o-n-g. Feel free to beat my ass over this one.

7. I know all the lyrics to Li'l Kim's Hard Core album. Her lyrics would make a porn star blush. I sing the songs at the top of my lungs because I love them. When it comes to lyrics, the dirtier the better in my book.

8. I haven't been to church in......shit, a long ass time.

9. I cheated on this guy once. The Big Ex. I've talked about him a few times. He lives in Florida. Well...I kinda cheated. We hadn't officially had "The Talk" where you decide if you're going to be exclusive or not. So technically, I was still a free agent when my cute neighbor came along and hit on me. I was kind of annoyed at Big Ex for dragging his feet in the relationship, so in a way, I was getting back at him. (I'm noticing a revenge theme in this post...scary...) But he was really, really hurt when he found out. I learned a very important lesson: Communication is the key that makes relationships work. Also, guys have feelings, too. I was out of line, big time. I will never, ever do that again. It was a mess. I still feel terrible about that.

10. Did I mention that when he confronted me about it, I lied to him? Yeah, because what I did wasn't bad enough. I had to add lying to it. Not one of my proudest moments. Especially because I'm a terrible liar. I don't think I've lied to anyone since, actually.

11. When I was in college, I went to a party and met this really cute guy. Then I found out one of my friends, MD, liked him, too. So I never flirted with the guy. (I go by a policy of "dibs" when it comes to my friends and guys. He was off-limits in my book.) Then, I ran into him at a party. I was with a mutual friend and we went over to say hi to him. He asked where MD was, and my friend said, "Oh, you know MD! She's on a date with some guy." I thought that was kinda sudden, because MD was pretty crazy about this guy. But I had no reason not to believe what she said. So, I figured, the guy was fair game and I ended up hooking up with him that night. It was only after the fact that I learned my friend was kidding about what she said and MD was actually crazy about the guy...and she heard through the grapevine what I had done. Oops. She was pretty pissed at me.

12. When I was in high school, my family used to vacation every summer at The Outer Banks of North Carolina. We loved Duck. I highly recommend this as a family vacation spot. Anyway, one year I met this guy who was a good 7-8 years older than me. He was really hot. He was in college. He was every 14 year old girl's dream. I stayed out with him, making out all night long and didn't come home until 5am. My parents had no idea where I was and they were completely freaking out. They were about to call the cops! Those hickeys I had on my neck didn't help, either...I was grounded for a loooooong time for that one. I can't believe I did that to my wonderful, loving parents. I'm such an asshole!

13. Ok, I'm sure there's something that should go here. I just can't think of it right now.

So, anyone joining me in the land of fire and brimstone? Why are you going to hell?


kimmykins13 said...

I seriously don't think you are going to Hell for any of those things although the birdy situation was bad - hehe. You didn't really starve them did you? I had two zebra finches and they drove me crazy with their chirping and seed tossing. I gave them away.

I was raised on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I lived their all of my life until college. It really is a beautiful area. My parents still live there and I'll be home for Christmas and some good shopping in the little stores in Duck!

Stuck said...

Wow, this could turn into a religious debate rather quickly. I will just say that, according to the rules laid out in the Bible, I'm damned for one reason, and it's because I'm not sorry for it. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

(I swear that one of the characters in this word verification doesn't exist on my keyboard.)

Matilda Jane said...

Remind me to tell you the reason that I'm going to hell because I'm certainly not going to post it. Did I tell you the story of how I broke my digital camera???

Virginia Belle said...

kimmykins-- see, that is what i shoulda done....oh, i am so going to hell.

stuck-- do i know of this rule breakage? it sounds like it must have been fun if you would do it again. hmm...we will have to discuss this over coffee.

MJ-- yeah you did, you saucy minx. RAWR!

Mieke said...

Loved your honesty and reasons for going to hell! :) I will be right there with you because when I was 16 I really wanted to go to a party and my parents were going out and told me I had to stay home and babysit my 6yr old sister. So after my parents left I took their other car, picked up 2 friends on the way, and went to that party. With my sister. I then got a little too intoxicated to drive home and had to call my parents to come pick us up. I was grounded for like, the rest of high school. Really smart, huh???
I totally used to live in
North Carolina until 1.5yrs ago. Our favorite spot ever is the outer banks!!

Random Musings Of My Life said...

I dont think this is big enough for why I am going to
Good list

The Dummy said...

Communication, good. Neglected birds, um - something we can all learn from. We all do things we regret, and sometimes it's those little things that follow us for the rest of our lives. But often, it may be for the better if it means we end up being kinder for it.

acaligurl said...

ewwww as long as P.E.T.A people don't read #6 you'll be fine. old people don't bother me, unless they try to act like they don't see me in line at the store and they end up in front of me! now perhaps i'm going to haiti's because when i worked in a rest home (i was 15) my friend and i spit in an old ladies water because she was MEAN. that was totally not cool, i never did it again!

acaligurl said...

oh ya, she drank it too!

Anonymous said...

im not goin 2 there! i only swore 86,739 times!