Wednesday, January 24, 2007

I Wanna Be On Track!!

This past week, I've had some bad habits return (cigarettes, my sweet tooth, gorging on Mexican food...). And it has been so much fun. I loooooove carcinogen-laced rolls of tobacco. I would drink that Mexican cheese dip if you poured it over ice. Don't believe me? Ask my friends. And I believe that candy actually consists of 4 distinct groups, all of which should be added to the Food Pyramid: sour, chewy, chocolate and fruity.

In this past week, I have also managed to stop going to the gym (ok, not totally, but mostly). As a result, I have re-gained the four pounds I lost this month. So now, I have to start all over. [insert string of expletives here].

The worst part is, I have no one to blame but myself. It's enough to make me want a cigarette. Of course, that's t-o-t-a-l-l-y out of the question. No. More. Ciggies. Stop now, before you need oxygen tubes, VB. For real. Forever.

I have to get back on track. As of yesterday, I went back to healthy eating (and by healthy, I mean "no desserts"--it is important for me to keep my sanity, people. Limit a girl like me to nothing but salads and I'd end up either smoking to dull the pain or slitting my wrists).

Hmmm...I wonder if there is a connection between dieting and suicide...someone should do a study on that....where was I? Oh yeah.

Today will be gym workout #2 for the week. And I'm going to the "OMG, She's Trying to Kill Us" class. Go me. (I'm sure I'll regret this decision about 30 minutes in.)

Like the woman in the Lean Cuisine commercial, I am thinking to myself, "I wanna be on track!" Don't know what I mean? Watch it here...

Yeah, that's exactly how I feel today. I had similar feelings last night when I was at the gym. I saw her.

Not Anorexia Gym-Addict Girl. (Seriously, someone should talk to her mom!)
Not the Buff She-Man who can kick my ass if I were so stupid to presume I can speak to her directly.
Not Miss "Thank God I'm Not That Bad" (Oh shut up, you know you've thought that before, too, you catty little thing.)
Not the "Seriously, What Does This Woman Eat for Breakfast?" aerobics instructor. We all know aerobics instructors are robotic droids, not real actual people.

No, it was worse than that. Last night, I saw Little Miss "That Could Be Me". I live in fear of seeing these women. They serve as a reminder of my full potential. They are about my height and build. They aren't movie-star thin or freakishly muscular. They aren't necessarily cooler, smarter, richer or prettier than I. They are just a lot better at being "on track" when it comes to diet and exercise. They look really, really good. If I were a guy, I'd probably check them out. Or maybe even grab their ass and pretend like it was an accident.

And everytime I see them, I can feel the needles of envy, frustration, self-anguish and self-loathing. These little needles deflate my ego like an old balloon, leftover from a big party held a few nights before. My ego was already sort of sagging and limp, weakly floating on such optimistic cliches as "Rome wasn't built in a day!" and "Hard work always pays off!". My goals seem attainable, if I just work really, really, almost inhumanly hard. I can get back up there, up to the rafters where the happy, perky and taut balloons are. I know I can.

But along comes That Could Be Me and her obvious dedication and willpower send me hurtling to a sudden ego-death. Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft...........and all I see is Flabby Me, consumed by a lust for sugar and an aversion to exercise. Awaiting my inevitable fate: The Big Girl Sizes. All I can think is, "That could be me. If...." and then the "ifs" come in.

Kind of like that scene in Disney's Cinderella, where Cinderella's Evil Stepmom says she can go to the ball...."IF..." and then she tells Cinderella to complete a ridiculous list of chores, much to the dismay of the Evil Stepsisters, who protest this idea. "Mother, do you know what you just said?!" one of them cries incredulously.

"Of course. I said 'if' " says the Evil Stepmother, who then chuckles. Then the sisters realize what she means, and all the evil characters have a good laugh. Meanwhile, Cinderella is upstairs, doing her chores, thinking it could actually happen. A dream is a wish your heart makes and all that bulls--t.

That's exactly how it felt. And then I felt bad for even thinking like that, because this Could Be Me girl has probably worked really, really hard to get where she is. "Stop turning pea-green!" I think to myself. "She should be your goal. Learn from her. Remember that you, too, have the potential to look that good. Ask her what she does to look so good. Find out what diet she's on and what kinds of exercising she does. Stop comparing yourself to other girls and just try and be the best you can be. There's no reason you both can't look good. See how good you could look?"

Eventually, my own voice morphs into The Czarina's voice. And the Fat Girl Lecture begins. I like to refer to this as my "Inner Mom-o-logue". According to the US Post Office, my mom lives in Virginia, but they have no idea that she is just as alive and well, kicking and screaming, inside my head, which is currently located in South Carolina.

I wonder if That Could Be Me uses a little "Bibbety-Bobbity-Boo" magic, courtesy of her Fairy Godmother. Seriously, how does she do it? The only way I can look like that is if I live at the gym and eat nothing but salads and turkey. *sigh*

I think the lack of sugar, melted cheese and nicotine is affecting my brain. Does anyone else think like this? Or am I going bonkers?

Well, crazy or not, it's time to get back on track. Control is remembering what you want.

Argh. I've already annoyed myself with that stupid saying.

*raises arm, triumphantly* To the gym!

*dashes to car*


PirateBarbaraAnn said...

VB-Please know this advice comes from a very loving place . . .

You cannot white knuckle your way to fitness. It won't work. You can't swear off food groups. All that will make you do is be miserable.

Instead you have to try to live a healthy life. I started years ago by eating healthy 6 days a week and allowing myself to eat whatever awful foods I wanted one day per week. I also do some sort of fitness activity 6 days each week. Over time, my tastes have changed. I no longer crave the junk foods that I once did. Where I could have once lived off of Dr. Pepper and Cheetos, I don't often feel urges for those. Keep in mind, it has been about 5 years since I started this. As time went on, I lost weight. How much? I don't really know. I don't own a scale. When I routinely get on scales, it affects my eating. I think many of us do the "Oh I lost some weight. I'm going to treat myself" or the "I haven't lost a pound. What's the point? Pass the pizza." So for me, not getting on a scale is key. I'm not saying that my weight hasn't fluctuated over the last few years. It varies somewhat but not a whole lot. And as time has gone on, I've allowed myself more treats. I no longer do the one day a week of eating junk because I no longer feel like eating junk for a whole day. Instead I may have pizza one night with friends and maybe have a slice of pie a few days later.

One thing that has been very motivating to me lately is the website . This site gives you points for physical activites (from running to gardening). After a certain number of points, they send yo a bronze medal. You can also join a group online and compete against each other in terms of points. You are more than welcome to join my group.

If you'd like more information about joining my president's challenge group or about fitness in general, Mrs. Boston can give you my email address.

Good luck with your fitness goals!

LB said...

I have a problem with That Could Be Me's sister. Her name is That Was Me . She is harder to face.
I need to get back on track too. The demon Coke will not release its grip. I am helpless to its sugar-laden will. Okay, not really, but it sounded good.

SJ said...


I just discovered your blog by accident a week or so ago, (I was googling something that led me to another blog that had a link to yours)...anyways, the point of that ramble, is that I LOVE your blog. Thanks for the fun reads. My New Year's resolution is to lose 25 lbs, and it's funny how last year it was 20, the year before 15, well, you get the point, and no it's not because I have loftier goals each year. My vice is more for large quantities of alcohol though as opposed to candy and sweets. Good luck, and here's to being "I AM that girl" soon!

Megan said...

VB, I am right there with you. My HUGE realization came the day I went to try on my wedding dress. To my right: FAT BRIDE ... To my left: SKINNY BRIDE ... and there I was stuck in between them, with way too many mirrors around me. For me it isn't all about looking good for that one day, but feeling good everyday. I want to open my closet and not be scared about my clothing choice. For me it isn't a's a lifestyle change. Have faith in yourself...I am sure you can do this!

RWA said...

You could drink cheese dip.

THAT is hilarious.

Becky said...

i can relate. i've been NOT dieting for mos and i've regained back the 15 lbs i lost last year. *cries* back to the drawing board!

jennster said...

dude. i just don't want to diet. i'm doing it right now and i'm on day 4 and i'm OVER it. oi just want to EAT normally and be okay with how i look. but that's the problem. if i pretty much eat what i want, this is how i'll look- and apparently, it's not good enough for me. it's not even the actual wedding that i want to look good for (my ass is hiding underneath a dress).. but it's the honeymoon. the 7 days where i'll be in a bikini and i cannot look like this. :(

good luck to you sister girlfriend

Virginia Belle said...

pirate barbara-- thank you for the warning! you are right, i can't white knuckle it. but when you start off, it feels like that's what you're doing! soon i'll be used to it. i know i can't totally restrict myself. and i don't. and thanks for the president's challenge recommendation. i'll have to check that out.

LB-- ooh, yeah. That Was Me is the biggest bitch of all. I hate her. :) I am determined to get you clean and off coke! you're going to give yourself diabetes! come to the diet side!
*uses jedi powers*

SJ-- yay! glad you like it. soon we will be the hotties in bikinis!!! GO US!!!! you should join the BlogWide workout. see the link on my sidebar.

megan-- OMG what a nightmare. eek. definitely too many mirrors. i'm with ya--it's a lifestyle change. that is the name of the game. look at food differently. btw, i'm in the process of adding you. sorry i take so long!

rwa -- really. i think i would do it. i'm going to add you, too. promise!

becky-- come on! we can do it! join the blogwide workout with me. it's easy. see the link on my sidebar.

ster-- yeah, me too. i hate dieting. but, unfortunately, eating "normally" for me would entail eating a chicken biscuit for breakfast, wendy's for lunch, complete with frosty, and pizza for dinner. did i mention the 9pm giant mug o ice cream? yeah. that's why i'm fat. in a nutshell.

Anny said...

girl, u crack me up. but i admire the determination.

The Dummy said...

I'm glad you put in some good time at the gym. And I bet if you talked to that girl she'd be really flattered and would probably be your biggest fan and supporter in the gym. Sometimes it helps if I know there are people I can go with, but it's hard to find people with the same kind of motivation. Next best thing I've found is that Blog-Wide workout, and having to report my numbers to you and everyone else kind of helps.

Tell you what - if you have a day you want to go to the gym, write it down and tell me. I'll go that same day so you can't back out!