Monday, January 16, 2006

Bigfoot Strikes Again

Most of you probably like long weekends. I hate them. This is why: As fate would have it, Bigfoot and I are on the same exact work schedule, so I cannot escape him unless I'm at work. Currently, I'm trying to calm down after he has yet again caused me to lose my temper. He just cooked one of his specialties: potatoes and onions fried in oil. It may not sound like much, but let me just say that it smells so strongly that he has woken Athletic Girl out of a dead sleep before. It f---in REEKS!!! And it permetates the entire house for days. Closing the doors to other rooms does not help. It seeps in no matter where you go. He doesn't seem to be bothered at all by the smell and doesn't bother to turn on any fans or open any doors or windows, so the whole house will smell like a friggin' TGIFriday's in here unless I do something about it. I just stomped downstairs and asked him if he is capable of cooking anything that doesn't stink to high heaven. (Only there were some expletives in there too.) Then I turned on the fans and opened the doors. And yes, it's about 50 degrees outside. Trust me, anything is better than this smell. Unfortunately, now all of my clothes will smell like oil and onions. To boot, whenever he fries something in oil (which is about twice a week) he manages to splatter it all over the walls and the fridge and the stovetop. He rarely cleans it up. And if he does, he will make a poor attempt at doing it properly. This is because he is also the laziest human being on earth.

Lord knows I'm not the healthiest eater on Earth, but his diet is so disgusting it is unbelievable. This is a typical day's menu for him:

Breakfast: fried onions & potatoes, whole milk, some kind of meat, doughnuts
Lunch: french fries, bacon cheeseburger, milkshake, coke
Dinner: some large hunk of meat marinated in something stinky, more fried potatoes, pasta with greasy tomato sauce, garlic bread with butter on it, coke, cake/cookies/doughnuts (yes, all of that)

Anyone else grossed out yet? Even Athletic Girl, who likes him better than I do, has asked him how he isn't plugged up like a drain since he eats nothing with any fiber or vitamins in it. I have never seen him eat a piece of fruit or any vegetables other than the greasy tomato sauce or the fried potatoes. He is a total lard ass. When he moves, his shoulders jiggle. I am not kidding. Normally it wouldn't bother me--my father was a large man. But my father also wore shirts that covered himself up. Bigfoot wears sleeveless shirts cut open at the side, allowing his hairy fatty flesh to roll out in its full glory. I wish he'd get his stupid heart attack over with so I can just call the coroner and get him wheeled out of here!

He has added yet another annoying habit to his long list of obnoctious behavior. I know, I know, it doesn't seem possible. He now conducts all cell phone calls using speakerphone, so not only do we have to listen to his end of the conversation, we have to listen to whatever his dumb friend is saying too. He doesn't close the door to his room while he does this, but even if he did, we'd still be able to hear him loud and clear because he YELLS into the phone. What is it about speakerphone that makes people feel they have to yell? It's not like he speaks softly to begin with!

I swear to God, I'm going to pull out my baseball bat one day and just beat him to death! Some people fantasize about Swedish bikini teams or Brad Pitt. I fantasize about violently clubbing my roommate into a bloody mess in a Natural Born Killers kind of way. I know, I know! Normally I'm a sweet and patient person, but he causes me to wonder what his brain would look like splattered on the wall. I think I will "accidentally" throw away some of his bills....or change the locks. Anyone have any vindictive ideas? I would never carry them out because he has too many opportunities to counter-attack, but I'm always looking for new fantasies! I need to create a daydream where he loses some limbs or his testicles or something...

4 comments:

TheDailySketch said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
NML said...

I used to feel this about my old flatmate that pissed all over the toilet seat....

Virginia Belle said...

Sketch-- i posted about his annoying habits in my post entitled, "The Quiz"--i think it is from November. You can learn all about Bigfoot there.

yes, bigfoot is my roommate. he's big, he's hairy, he's stinky and his behavior is a complete mystery. hence his nickname. he is also gay to boot, but that part of his personality has yet to irritate me (aside from the gay porn i have heard eminating from his room). His other annoying habits far FAR outweigh any of his potentially annoying gay behavior.

Stuck said...

There are times when I get home to an empty house and miss having a roommate to sling the shit with, to pay half of my mortgage, to own a cat that would, on rare occassion, let me pet it.

And then there are time that I'm very, very glad that I live alone.