1. Like most of my questions, this one is directed mainly at men. (I already know how women work!) Here is a hypothetical situation. You go over to your new girlfriend's house. Things are....progressing, shall we say. Then, suddenly, you see them: granny panties. What is your gut/true reaction? Ok, well, how about if you see cellulite? What if she hasn't shaved her legs in a week and she's prickly? What if she opens the door to let you in and she has no makeup on? How harsh are you about all of these "caught unaware" moments? Are women expected to look awesome all the time?
All of these have happened to me recently. (Well, except the granny panties. I don't wear those.) Repo swears he doesn't mind and that I always look good to him, but I'd really like to get the truth from unbiased guys. Seriously, there is no way I look as good without makeup. I just don't buy it!
2. Why do men cheat? Why do women cheat?
I think men cheat because they can. If they are put in a position of power, where they have opportunities, there is a higher likelihood that they will take advantage. (But I'm not saying all men are cheaters. I think only a handful are.) Something changes in a guy when he gets a hold of power. It's almost like he feels he is more entitled to multiple partners or something. Some men cheat because they are living off of the thrill. It is the same feeling as bungee jumping, I think. I read an article once, sort of a "Confessions of a Cheater" kind of thing, where the man said that life with his wife was ho-hum and his mistress made his life exciting. She was younger, thinner and more up for passionate rendevous in sleazy hotel rooms. Unlike his wife, she was always up for anything, never nagged him and asked nothing of him besides the obvious. She made him forget his responsibilities, if only for a little while. She was not tied down by kids, cooking, cleaning, soccer schedules, etc. This strangely makes sense to me....spontaneity can go a long way, sometimes...as can keeping yourself looking good. Too bad it didn't work for Clara Harris. Too little, too late, methinks...
Women cheat, sometimes, for the same reason--the thrill becomes addictive. But I think this is in the minority of cases. Most women, IMHO, cheat because their man has somehow made them feel alienated, devalued or insignificant. If you are not appreciating your woman, you aren't trying to form an emotional bond with her or you are making her feel unimportant, you are practically encouraging her to cheat. There is always another man out there waiting to replace you, trust me!
3. Do you think love should be easy? Or are fighting and arguments just a sign of growth? Is it possible to have a rock-solid relationship without disagreements? Or are there gray areas?
I think love should be easy. I think it can be easy. Lady Starfish has been dating J for about four months. When I talk to her, I ask about "J news". There is never any news. It is always smooth sailing--he is wonderful to her. Always. Has been from the get-go. They simply never argue. It is, quite simply, "on like Donkey Kong", as I like to say. No disagreements on anything. She would like to say that it's because "it's all about me and he gets that," but I really think it goes both ways. There are certainly times where she has put his needs before her own.
The same was true for my parents. Sure, they argued about money, because The Czarina is the biggest penny-pincher around (She buys clothes once a decade. No joke.) and WLF spent money like it was going out of style. On a bunch of useless crap. But their "arguments" were extremely entertaining to all of their children. They did nothing but take turns hurling insults at each other--funny ones. That was their way of dealing with the problem. One of them would always end up cracking a smile and laughing, and the battle would be over and WLF would get to keep his crap. Then The Czarina would remind him that when he is dead, she is having a huge yard sale and selling all of it anyway. That was the closest they ever came to disagreeing on anything, really. (Keep in mind they were arguing about sums of money amounting to less than $300. Not anything major.)
And there are a lot of people who confuse arguments with full-blown fighting, which can be a sign of different priorities. Arguments are about little things. Fighting gets ugly and personal and involves big issues: respect, trust, goals, etc. You know it's an argument rather than a disagreement when you say something and then the next day wish you could take it back. This is a sign you are with the wrong person, IMHO. You are fighting about really big issues, and that is not good.
Like I've said before, as long as your partner's happiness is #1 with you and your happiness is priority #1 with them, it's all good. It's on like Donkey Kong. Everything else is just details.
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11 comments:
You asked a lot of questions that require a lot of thought. But I'll just shoot them out at a rapid fire pace.
1.
Men don't care about his woman's looks, but her abilty to be beautiful. The way you walk and talk and serve us are more important that dolling yourself up. Don't get me wrong, having the most beautiful woman on my arm at a little soree is always an ego boost, but having a strong, radiant woman is far more important.
2. Men don't cheat, boys do. Men are honest and know how nourish those things that add value to their lives and cut off those things that don't.
3. Love is easy. Direction is hard. If someone is living to their full potential and you love them can you ever truly fight?
1) Looks are only "important" for the first impression. Once you get to know them to the point that they're going to answer the door without make-up or show you the granny panties, you're beyond looks. (Of course, nights on the town are better when you're date is so good-looking that all the other men are jealous)
2)Never cheated. Never been tempted. Couldn't answer that based on experience. If I had to guess, I'd say it's because they want something more from the relationship and are too witless to let their girl know.
3)I think love is easy as long as you remember that compromise is the key to success. Disagreements will happen, but that doesn't mean they will become arguments or fights. As long as you approach every problem/disagreement like you're on the same team, instead of on differing sides, it's easy.
Oh dear dear dear....
What is expected? If a girl tries to look nice that is all that you can ask as a man. But lets be clear, women are FAR more critical of each other than men are of women.
SO men cheat because of men and women cheat because of men? You sure your not going feminist here? Try again. Weak people cheat. Nobody is forced to cheat, they choose to cheat. One can argue that a spouse can deserve to be abandoned, but cheating is cruel.
Love is both easy AND hard. Its easy to love a puppy, and hard to love them at the same time when they ruin your best shoes, carpet, remote control...etc.. Just like all the important parts of life, love is everything you expected...and so much more. Something that large is bound to ask alot of you isnt it?
Happiness isnt the best thing in life. Alot of the most noble people in history didnt experience much in the way of happiness. Putting one thing above all the others is the road to ruin.
Boudour knickers - sexy frilly big knickers and French knickers are nice. Anything else granny pants wise is terrifying. People cheat because they're greedy and because having options is something that some people feel the need to exercise. Anyone who truly loves someone, who wants to be honest, won't go down the path of cheating and will talk about whatever it is that is bothering them, rather than get their leg over with someone else to make themselves feel better...
mitesh-- ooh, i love the term "strong, radiant woman"! good answer for #2, too. :) i think that is a very mature way to look at it.
stuck--your answer to #1 is a big relief to me! and i agree w/you on #3-- it is important to feel like you and your partner are a team. it is a rare thing indeed, but it's great when you can feel like that w/someone.
anonymous-- no, i don't think men cheat because of men. that's not what i said. i think men cheat when they have too much power. it makes them feel entitled. or they cheat when their woman doesn't excite them anymore. it's boredom. and women cheat when they are not getting what they need (attention, very often) from their man. their man has made them feel unimportant. but again, these are generalities. of course there are exceptions. some people are just selfish or addicted to sex.
and i don't think you can equate a puppy to a human when it comes to love. can you really love someone who would piss all over your carpet? if it's a puppy, yes. there is no bad intention involved--they are just little cute animals. but if your S.O. pissed all over your carpet, you'd know they were doing so to tick you off. and you can't love someone who doesn't love you. that's not a healthy relationship where real love is involved. so i stick by my "love should be easy" hypothesis.
and i really really disagree w/you about happiness. what you said was so depressing! last time i checked, happiness is what most people want out of life. it's #1 on just about everyone's list. i'd choose happiness over notariety any day. (i'm sure that if she had a choice, anne boleyn would have chosen happiness over being famous by marrying henry VIII any day!) i'm curious to know what you place above happiness. fame? money?
i believe striving to make someone else happy before yourself is probably one of the noblest and most selfless things you can do with your life. it's a shame that doesn't make the history books!
NML-- you need to educate me about these panties you describe. i'm only familiar with thongs, bikinis and boy-shorts. can you describe to me these boudoir knickers and french-style ones? i'm thinking we dont' have them in the states.
*VB fans herself, in disbelief that she is ignorant of ladies' underwear variations.*
1. Few men really bother about 'granny''s panties... when you mentioned the stage they're in (progress).
2.Man and boy both would cheat... why the time is right if the other woman allows.
Unless, of course, he's committed by virtue of virtue. There's a tendency for man to cheat cos it's just pure instinct to, but that's why man are different to animal because man has culture to think alongside with their 'brother'.
3. Fighting occurs when situation change love it or not.
If what you call love is only valid when the person you give your love to loves you back, AND is considered "noble" because you aim for their happiness, then you are missing a large part of the picture.
It wont always be reciprocated, and I will go on record RIGHT NOW to tell you that it wont always be in either your own, or your lover's best interest to stay. There is another reason. Otherwise you wouldnt ask for a commitment now would you? YOu would just count on them to stay because you will always be worth it. You wont...I wont...nobody will ALWAYS BE worth it. Thats the point. The price of lasting love is free, and you cannot have it any other way...and its all over the history books. YOu can find them at you local library (I couldnt resist). Like I said, its so much more than you are giving it credit for. Do yourself a favor and try to stop underestimating love...and men.
anonymous, i think you have an extremely cynical and pessimistic view. i'm starting to wonder why you read my blog...
i think if true love is involved, then both parties are willingly stating that the other person is indeed worth the time and commitment. always. it is an unchanging, constant thing. and it is only a healthy and happy relationship if it is reciprocated by both people.
of course love won't always be reciprocated. i'm talking about marriage/long-term,happy committed relationships. not dating. i think you are talking apples and i'm talking oranges.
to be honest, i have a hard time understanding anything you are talking about--your arguments are hard to follow and not very clear. i guess you have proven your point--i don't understand men. maybe you can recommend a book for me?
Im trying to help, not cause problems. I think you are aiming for a lower rung on the ladder of love and marriage than you realize. It isnt happiness (yours or your partners) that is the goal, its being worthy of the compliment of a lasting commitment. Think about it, aiming beyond JUST making them happy, and instead doing what is right will ultimately produce a better outcome.
On the contrary, I think my views sound pretty harsh until you begin to realize that the picture is bigger than you originally thought. Try this analogy: YOu live in a smallish town and never leave. Your world view can be formed by living there but until you venture out and see that there is much much more to this world than your town, you really have been shortsighted all along.
Men want to please women, but good men want to please women for the right reasons. That is why they march off to war (becuase it doesnt make the women happy you know). YOu want to make a man happy? Try as hard as you can to be worth his sacrifices for you just as you want him to be worth your sacrifices for him. Its simple, but very hard to do (notice this theme yet?). Just like when he comes to the door to find you scruffy looking, its fine, but if you tried to look nice, that is all he really could wish for. See it isnt so bad after all.
Lastly, I read because I hope you find what your looking for, and Im trying to help. Say the word and Ill get lost if you like.
anonymous-- OK, now you are making sense!!!! that is an excellent way of putting it. i get it now. must have just had a blonde moment. what an interesting and challenging goal i now have....i like that. worthy of the compliment of commitment...great concept. thanks for the inspiration. it is more than just happiness. it is being a worthy person, too. you're right. i was thinking too small.
1. I'll agree with a couple of comments here already and say that looking 'perfect' isn't that important. It's good if you're all made up and in really sexy underwear, but it's not the end of the world if you're not.
2. It's human to err. Guys will jeorpadise really good, long term relationships for an affair which will probably be regretted later. Those 'moments of weakness' do happen. Not that it's an excuse.
3. You shouldn't be trying too hard. If you're trying too hard, there's something wrong.
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