Monday, January 09, 2006

The B.S.- free Zone

Truth is rarely pure and never simple. --Oscar Wilde

The other day, Kermit was telling me about a female friend of his with whom he sometimes holds "B.S.-free Zone" conversations. They are allowed to ask anything they want about each other or the opposite sex and receive an honest reply--no B.S. The truth hurts, but the truth is the goal in these conversations. I think most of us have had these conversations, so it is nice to finally have a name for them. I thought, what better place to hold such a discussion than my blog?

Some of my friends who read this (they will remain unnamed, but they know who they are!) will attack this post with gusto!

So, here goes--my list of BS-free Zone Questions. This is just the first installment, I assure you. I'm seeing a multi-part post in the future....Please respond with any thoughts on the following:

1. Is there a sex schedule? By that, I mean, do we have expectations for dates 1,2,3, etc.? For example, if a girl sleeps with you on date two, do you think she is a slut and stop calling her because the challenge is gone or it is moving too fast? What if she makes you wait until the 4th month of dating--would you wait around that long? To put the shoe on the other foot, what if you were on date #5 with a guy and he still hadn't kissed you yet? What if a girl is ready and willing to go to third base right off the bat, but makes you wait a couple months for sex? Is there something to be said for waiting, or is it best to just go for it when it feels right? Ladies, do you only do certain things after a certain point? For example, I do not ever kiss on first dates. (The Big Ex is the only exception to this rule, and that's a whole other long story.) Does anyone else out there have these little schedules?

2. What, if any, are the reasons under which a man would turn down a girl calling them strictly for a booty call?

3. Is it called a break-up because it's broken? Or can two people successfully reunite?

4.What is the difference between getting comfortable in a relationship and taking someone for granted?

5. How do you know when you are in love/serious like? Is there something you catch yourself doing or saying or thinking?

6. You know those dramatic scenes in movies, where the guy is running all over town in the rain looking for the girl so he can tell her he made a mistake/has always loved her? And just before she leaves on the plane/train/bus he finds her and confesses everything? Has anyone ever known this to happen in real life? Do guys ever get the urge to do stuff like this, or is it really a fairytale cooked up by Hollywood?

That's it for now folks....what do you think?


j-rich said...

First, thanks for getting me hooked on another web-posting site. As if getting myspace blocked at my job wasn't enough...
But seriously, I should enjoy this one, Im actually serious in my postings on this one, unlike my alter-ego on myspace.

But those type conversations are always my favorite, so here's my opinion on the aforementioned subjects.

1)I dont think there's a schedule, but I wouldn't be likely to stay with a girl if sex occured on the first date. I mean, there has to be some intrigue left there. And if she did that with me, how many other people has she done that with...

2)I can think of two situations. We were way too close of friends, b/c everyone knows friendcest never works out. And two, I or she was too incapacitated by some substance to make a rational decision.

3)Yea, but if you go past one "getbacktogether" you're risking dysfunctionality (and i think i just made up a new word)

4)Getting comfortable means, to me, you're even more serious about this person and you're willing to accept them for who they are and who they aren't. Taking someone for granted, in my opinion, is when you expect the other person to be there and commit a lot of audacious behavior b/c you expect the other person to be there regardless.

5)I dunno...for me when I imagine it being very difficult or dissapointing if the other person were not around.

6)Do i ever think it happens, sure someone has had to have done it before, or where else would the idea come from. Would I ever do that, maybe not to that extent, but why not? I mean, you only get one go around and if you believe someone's the one, why not make every effort to ensure that you keep that someone in your life.

Well, I hope that makes sense, but its just my opinion, and what the hell do i know...

Stuck said...

1) Some guys DO have a time-line in place for sex. Others, though, are the sort that believe it will happen when it happens. My personal stance is that it happens when the moment is right. You can't plan for it. As for thinking she's a slut if she gives it up too soon... I'll just say that 80% of my relationships have started with sex on the first or second date. It's terrible, I admit it. I never thought of the girls as sluts, though. The biggest problem was that sex that early meant that it becomes something to do instead of going out on a date. I've sinc made it a point not to score on the first few dates for that reason. My last girlfriend and I went for over a year without sex, and I was cool with that. (We did have some heavy smooch sessions, though.)

2) I've already given you my answers to the booty call turn-down, but I also did some field research with some buddies (who are major players) after that. They all said the same thing. They turn it down for two reasons: Either they're with someone else, or they simply don't want to hook up with the girl. (Because they don't want it to lead to emotional strings or because the girl isn't good. More typically the first of these.)

3)I'm a firm believer in friends after the break-up, but I know plenty of people who are dead set against it. My theory is that you want to marry the person who will be your best friend, so you date people you can call friends. If the romance doesn't work out, you're still friends.

4) Laziness. That's all I'm going to say about that.

5) When you find yourself thinking about that other person at random-ass times and realize you're smiling.

6) Hollywood writers needs to be drug into the street and shot. They raise the bar for so many female expectations. Worse yet, they've covered just about every possible scenario, so a guy who DOES go out of the way to be romantic will usually look like he's duplicating something he saw in a movie.

TheDailySketch said...

1. Give me sex too soon and it's over. Unless there's that critical X factor ala Indian Eyes. Otherwise, make me wait, I'll respect you more and feel more confident in your loyalty.

2. STD's will do the trick.

3. Can you ever put glass together after it's been shattered? Unless you break up with the glass intact, good luck.

4. Sounds the same to me.

5. When I look into her eyes in bed, I no longer ask myself, "I wonder if she'll still be laying here in a year." Alive, that is. :)

6. Not just Hollywood...Bollywood. I have never witnessed or experienced this. Nor do I expect to. It's scenes like these that keep us from being honest and up front in most cases. Instead of saying what we feel, we hope the other person will pull miracles out of their ass. Needless to say, miracles are hard to pull out of asses.

NML said...

1. Of course there is a sex schedule, but as soon as they get it, regardless of the fact that they wanted it, it can change their perception of the woman/reltionship.
2. He would turn it down because his ego can't take it. He has to be the one to initiate the booty call arrangement otherwise his ego struggles with a woman just wanting him for sex.
3. Most of the time, it's broken for a reason. Sometimes people can reunite, most of the time not.
4. The difference is that taking advantage involves more taking than giving and being selfish. Being comfortable means that you can both be honest about who you are and have a fulfilling two way relationship.
5. There's lots of in jokes, you think about them lots and it's not because they are taking the mick and messing you about. Your heart lifts when you see them and you spend most of the time being genuinely happy, not sad, not yearning.
6. Er, no.

The Dummy said...

Sex happens when the chemistry and timing feel right. If there's any doubt, then it's too early, is how I see it.

Virginia Belle said...

Alright, after reading my readers' very insightful and excellent answers, it's my turn to chime in with my answers.

1. Re: Sex Schedules...The Cop didn't even so much as make a move on me until I basically jumped on him during the 4th date. (This ended up being a metaphor for the entire relationship, btw.) Now I know that if the girl has to make the first move, that is a bad sign. I don't think i will ever wait that long again. Otherwise, I just do what feels right when it feels right. Or when I just can't wait any longer!!!

2. Re: male denial of booty calls. This is something i will never ever ever understand. (I put this in here because it's happened to me before and i was hoping for an answer which made sense to me. i still haven't gotten one! Well, other than Sketch's, which is pretty good.)

3: Re: can you get back with an ex? oooh....i really am tempted to say no to that. i've done it, and all the same problems were still there. but....i think that time can help since you can grow while apart. so i think it would really only work if there was a lot of time between the relationships and both people worked equally hard on tackling the past and building towards the future.

4. Re: being comfortable vs. taking someone for granted. This is something i have a hard time with when i'm someone's girlfriend. it's usually a stumbling block for me in relationships. i freak when a guy has been doing x, y and z for six months and then suddenly stops doing them because he gets comfortable. or does he stop because he's taking me for granted? i really hate being taken for granted! i just assume he is losing interest in me, and that's when i wig out.

5. Re: how do you know you are in love? I know i'm in serious like when i start cooking for someone...i've been like that since high school. anyone who's ever gotten cookies from me is definitely on my cool people list. (I'm going to be one of those moms who gets her feelings hurt when the kids don't like my dinner. to deny my cooking is to deny my love!!!) But when i'm in love, i like the person DESPITE their shortcomings (as opposed to being in denial about their shortcomings) and also, if i'm in love, I start to care about their happiness more than i care about my own. i'm always on their side. but mostly, i just know. it's hard to describe.

6. Re: dramatic romantic scenes from movies...Stuckey summed it up nicely.

Stay tuned for more questions...

Anonymous said...

1. Schedule? NO WAY. The goal is to avoid the awkward. Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky nailed it when he spoke of getting as close to driving a girl crazy as you possibly can.
2. Booty calls, cant say. I only sleep with people Im close to. The casual thing just causes alot of mental / emotional gymnastics.
3. People break up because they put their needs before the others and grow selfish. This assumes they chose partners well getting involved in the first place.
Id like to think people reunite becuase they realize they were selfish. Mostly, I suspect its because the world is exponentially harder going it alone however.
4 See "Selfish" above and think of elderly couples. They take each other for granted and its sweet AND comfortable. Its a different kind of love.
5 When a guy puts you before EVERYTHING, he loves you...EVERYTHING.
6 It happens. My situation didnt end like the Hollywood version though...Next time IM hiring that Cameron Crowe guy to direct...and it will fade out with Van Morrison's "Tupelo Honey" so I cant lose!
Lastly, Im am truly humbled, thank you.