Proper First Date Behavior (Part1)

3rd in a series. See below.

Let's see. Where did we leave off? Oh yes. You have the plan. You have made the date.

Oh, I didn't discuss lunch vs. dinner date or weekday vs. weekend date. Hmmm. You know, Phantom Hater had good logic behind his love of lunch dates. (See comments in last post.) But I'm a firm believer in Chris Brander's advice in Just Friends: Friends go on lunch dates. So if you are worried that you might possibly be in The Friend Zone (TFZ), dispel all confusion by taking Crush Girl out to dinner. Other than that, I'm going to say, go with whatever. Some people can't really afford to be picky about when their dates occur. *ahem*

Ironic that I've been posting about dating, isn't it? In the 5 years I've lived here, I've been single for 4 of them. WOW.

Anyway. Where was I? Oh yes. It's Date Day (or Night).

This is how to AVOID major foul-ups which could land you a slap in the face and/or Sunday Brunch ridiculing by your date and her girlfriends: Try and make a good impression by being polite and courteous. Try and get to know your date. Relax and have fun -- it's dating, not a job interview.

Oh! You want details? Well, ok. To make this more accessible for my male readers, I will structure this like a game. The more points you get, the better you do.

1. Clean your car. Some girls *ahem* watch this very closely. You might even call it "The Clean Car Test". Guys who clean their cars are out to impress. Be that guy. +/-50

2. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: DO NOT BE LATE. It's insulting and shows a general lack of consideration. It's a good way to make your date feel unimportant. That's not good. Yes, I realize she will still be getting ready when you arrive. This does not mean you can fudge on 10 minutes. You must be on time. If you are going to be more than 10 minutes late, a PHONE CALL is required. And you'd better have a good excuse: your dog is sick, you got a flat tire, you are bleeding from your eye sockets, etc. If you don't have a good excuse, DO NOT LIE. (Do you really want to start lying to her already? You haven't even gone out yet!) Just tell us you're an idiot who lost track of time. We like it when you acknowledge your idiocy. This will actually score you points. If you are late, even with a good excuse, you are expected to make a humble apology. Three times.

Being on time is NOT THAT HARD. Suck it up, be an adult, and be on time. Please and thank you.

On time: expected, so no points. Being late: -100 points for every 5 minutes you are late. Apologizing for being late: expected, so no points. Apologizing fewer than 3 times, or just generally acting like it's no big deal: -100. Calling to say you're going to be late: +5

Note: If you are someone who is chronically tardy, do not worry. Some girls are lax on the tardiness rule, since they, too, are chronically tardy (gee...wonder who I'm referring to....). But the First Date is different. Better to play it safe and be on time. You can ask her during the date if she's a stickler for punctuality. This is called "Learning What She Likes" and it's another one of your goals.

Note: Do NOT show up 30 minutes ahead of time, like one guy did to me once. I had to entertain him for 30 minutes (he needed the TV remote, a drink, etc.) AND he had to see me without makeup on. Not good. Very irritating. Stick to no more than 10 minutes early. Any more than that, and you will lose 50 points.

3. Pick her up at her house (or place of employment). I cannot stress this enough. It shows you're willing to go the extra step. First of all, she's probably going to be running late (tweezing, powdering, outfit changing, hair do-ing, etc.) so you're going to be waiting on her anyway. Second of all, you don't want her thinking, "Gah, he can't even be bothered to pick me up on the FIRST date? This guy is so full of himself, he doesn't care about making an impression on me. Or else he's just incredibly lazy. What a jerk. I'm ordering the lobster." -- See? Like being on time, it's just better to pick her up. You can ask her on the date if she's cool with meeting up next time. ( "Learning What She Likes".) Most girls are considerate and accommodating in this regard, especially if decent amounts of time or money are expended in order to pick her up.

Picking her up for the first date: expected (usually). Picking her up, always: the points progress in value the longer you do it. So if you are still picking her up for everything 6 months into the relationship, you're getting about 100 points per pick-up. Picking her up, but whining about it: -25 points.

Note: Do not take it personally if she's a little on the paranoid side, and wants to meet you there on the first date. Some girls are just hyper-aware of safety. It doesn't mean you're creepy. If you were creepy, she wouldn't be going out with you. In theory.

Note: Another reason you want to pick her up is so that she doesn't have to wait on YOU to arrive. At best, she'll be mad that she had to wait alone, and at worst, another guy could steal your date! (-500 points)

Note: You will probably score lots of points if you are the guy who ALWAYS picks her up. If she thinks you're crazy for being that way or protests the idea, you can just say, "You're worth the effort." You will score even more points (+8,000). This will make it much easier to get into her pants later on.

Note: By picking her up at her place of employment/house, you can get a glimpse into her world: what she's like, what she surrounds herself with, whether or not her coworkers/roommate likes her. This is all good for information-gathering purposes. You can learn a LOT about someone by seeing the inside of their house. Good things to look at while you wait for her, ever so innocently: pics on her fridge, amount of clutter, books/movies/CDs/magazines laying around, evidence of an ability to cook, absence of objects which would indicate there's another man in her life.

4. Do not be negative, whiny or complaining. It's not fun to listen to people bitch and moan. Dates are supposed to be fun. People like being around people who are happy and positive. Feel free to keep track of how negative she is being, btw. No one wants to be dating Debbie Downer. Being negative: -25 pts. per incident.

5. One of the first things you should say is how fantastic/beautiful/gorgeous/hot/thin your date looks. Remember, we will NEVER get sick of hearing this until the day we die, so feel free to gush about it periodically throughout the date. Throw in a "Wow!" or a "No, really, I mean, WOW!" and you'll get even more points. Ca-ching! Ca-ching! Ca-ching! Can you hear the points racking up??? (+100 per compliment) Don't overdo it, though or we will stop believing you. 3 times per date is pretty good.

6. Regarding doors and their opening. Unfortunately, this is one of those things where Every Woman is Different. However, I would advise any unsure, single guy to continue opening all doors for her unless she tells you to stop or grabs the door first. That is her way of saying, "I appreciate your kindness, but this isn't 1886 and I can get my own door, thanks. In fact, how about I hold it for you, too?" Rare is the modern girl who would be grossly offended by your opening the door for her. So when in doubt, hold and open all doors: car, restaurant, building, etc. It's better to slightly offend a modern woman (-15 points) than to GREATLY offend an old-fashioned one (-25,000). Because as an old-fashioned woman, I can tell you it really ticks me off when I'm not even worth a door holding. It will blow the date, actually--dating privileges will be revoked. In fact, if the door is not held for me, I will patiently wait until it is. One guy was halfway to the restaurant table with the hostess before realizing I was still outside, waiting for the door. High maintenance? Maybe. But he was very embarrassed, let me tell you.*

* I would like the record to show that this is pretty much the only high-maintenance thing I do. Doors are a big deal to me. You don't have to take me shopping or drive a nice car to impress me. Just open the damn door. It's not that hard. And I'm sure I'm not the only girl who feels like this. Ladies, back me up.

Note: Feel free to stop holding doors open if she doesn't say "Thank you," each and every time. We should be polite, too.

Note: Here's a crazy notion! If you don't know if she would like the doors opened for her, ASK. (+25 points for caring enough to ask.) This is another part of that whole "Learning What She Likes" thing.

7. Keep in mind that women's bodies are not as warm as men's bodies. This has been scientifically proven. There's about an 8 degrees Fahrenheit difference between the sexes when it comes to "comfy". Women get cold very easily, so you will get points for asking her if she is hot/cold/comfortable when you're in the car or at the restaurant. This is called "being courteous." Guess what kind of guy we like to kiss. Ding! Ding! Ding! You got it. (+ 75)

8. Turn the music down when you're in the car. What's more important, her telling you something about herself or listening to "Panama City" for the 4,367th time? Don't you want to hear what she has to say? If not, then why are you on this date?? (+75)

9. Avoid introducing Crush Girl to your Inner Hulk. Deep breaths. No yelling at other drivers. We want to feel like we are out with gentlemen who are in control of themselves, not silverback gorillas who are proverbially beating their chests when their manhood is challenged. Also included in this category are temper tantrums, jealous behavior, etc. (Gorilla-like behavior: -500 per occurrence.)

10. Another one of your goals should be to make your date feel safe at all times. Guys don't think about it much, because they are big, strong, brave and know how to fix stuff, so they don't need to worry about these things. But girls are usually of a more fragile physical nature. A lot of us have no idea what to do when the tire goes flat or when a bird flies inside the house. And we live in constant fear that around the next corner is a mugger, waiting to rob us, rape us and slit our throat. That's why we all carry those little mace things on our keychains. It also plays a role in why we like muscles and tall men so much. Big and strong = safety. You can put your date at ease by reassuring her you can protect her in case of muggers/natural disasters/giant insects/Armageddon/scary things in general. (+5,000 for giving off the "you're safe with me!" vibe, with an extra bonus of 20,000 points if you actually end up protecting her from something truly dangerous. Unless it's a big bug, which only counts for 75 points per bug. If we have to call our fathers or brothers for help, because you are as useless as a little girl when a crisis arises, -25,000. If you carry a gun to work, I will give you + 10,000 bonus. But that's just me. Guns are hot.)

I remember I was on a date with a nice guy once. We were leaving a movie theater when a SUPER creepy guy walked up to us and asked to bum a cigarette. If I had been alone, I would have literally run away from the guy--he was that scary. So imagine my terror to find that not only was my date giving him a smoke, but he proceeded to sit and chat with him for about 5 minutes. Not only was he not quickly whisking me away from Mr. Creepy, he was exposing me to more Mr. Creepy time. That was the last time I went out with that guy. If a girl can't feel safe with you, you don't have anything.

Note: This does not give you license to get into fist fights over trivial matters while on the date. There's a difference between feeling like we are safe and feeling like we are babysitting. See #9, above. (Fist fight on a date = -25,000. In most cases, your dating privileges will also be revoked.)

Part 2 is tomorrow....

Comments? Criticism? Praise? Let's discuss.

On Being the Man with the Plan

Wow. I almost didn't post the last post, because it was so long. I'll try and keep this one shorter. Oh who am I kidding. We both know I will ramble on in this one, too. Here goes. Step-by-step.

Let's assume you've got Crush Girl on the phone, and things are going well. Pats on the back for you, Stud Machine. You've mastered the hard part: The Approach. And you got the digits. Now that you're talking to her, what exactly, do you plan on saying? You've caught the bunny, but what do you do next?

1. First of all, at this point, she knows you're interested. She's also expecting you to ask her out. That is why you got her digits, right?? So go on. It's showtime. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If she gave you her number, you've got about a 95% chance that she also wants you to ask her out. But what if you can't ask her out because you're broke right now/really busy/terrified of her/going out of town for a month/etc.? No problem. Just make sure you either make a date with her by the end of the 2nd conversation (you are allowed one wuss-out phone call) OR, if you truly honestly are very busy, make a date in advance. Something along the lines of: "Man, Susie, you are great. Hey listen. I have to go to Burma for about 8 weeks to inoculate orphans for malaria, but when I get back, I'd love to take you out to dinner. How does that sound?"

My point is, if you can't make a date right away, whether because you're a busy guy or just a regular old wuss (don't worry, some girls are flattered that we can reduce you to a Puddle of Liquid Wimp) -- all is not lost. Just make sure you reassure her that you are indeed interested in taking her out romantically, and not just calling her up randomly.

PLEASE, if you are the guy who tends to be the Puddle of Liquid Wimp, do not waste our time by calling us up just to chat, and then finally getting around to asking us out during Phone Call #12. We are busy, too! Cut to the chase already! The phone is not some kind of free, screening tool you get to use before you are forced to spend money on us. You cannot use ten calls as a substitute for a first date. Doing so will make you seem like not only a total wuss, but also a total cheapskate. Do your screening before you get our number. If you have the number, it's time to seal the deal. To quote Monty Python: Get on with it!!!

2. Let's assume you are not a Puddle of Liquid Wimp, and you have mustered up the courage to ask her out. Wait, wait, wait! Stop that train. Do you have a plan? Because you should. This is the next big important lesson, so write this down: ALWAYS BE THE MAN WITH THE PLAN. This is especially true in the beginning. Having a defined plan for what you want to show her/share with her makes the girl feel you
A) care enough to put some thought into this & you are looking forward to it
B) have neat things to show her, and up until she met you, she's been missing out
C) have confidence that it will be great, and all she has to do is show up and look good
And trust me, all three of these impression are very, very good.

To be The Man with the Plan, you need at least an initial location: restaurant, movie theater, park, store, etc. You can improvise from there, that's fine. Just don't be the guy who says, "I dunno. What do you want to do?" Ugh. I hate hearing that. And I know of other girls who do, too. Newsflash, men: If we thought we were getting everything we want out of life already, we wouldn't have accepted a date with you. Your goal should be to show us what we have been missing out on by dating all those other guys and not you. You know what's great to hear? When a guy starts a sentence with, "Hmmm. Have you ever....?" -- YAY! This is a sign of a guy who has fun, unique ideas!!! This is your chance to show off to her! See if she knows about that cool place you like to hang out. Or if she is willing to try Ethiopian cuisine. Or go kayaking. Just throw out a few ideas and see what she goes for. You can pick something you're experienced in, if it will give you some confidence during the date. That's fine. Plus, if it's a hobby of yours, it can give you nice opportunities for physical contact. Example: If she's never golfed, take her to the driving range. Oh, gosh, she needs some help holding the club. Cue the um, tutoring session......

Other fun ideas include: coffeeshops, bookstores, going to a cooking class, a picnic in a park, going to a comedy show (there is more opportunity for talking than at a movie), checking out a new bar in town, going to an art gallery, taking a salsa lesson, playing pool/darts, the zoo, a sporting event, a round of tennis or putt-putt golfing (I have found that a little healthy competition can really make sparks fly...).

Don't rule out something neither one of you have tried. It could be really fun. You can do the whole dinner-and-a-movie thing later on. Right now, you want to impress the bejeezus out of her. So having a kick-ass plan is crucial. Have three or more ideas lined up to toss her way.

Things which would be bad ideas include:
shopping (are you gay?),
painting pottery (again, are you gay?),
anything where the two of you are totally alone (public places make her feel safe, and private places -- like your apartment -- make her feel like you are only interested in one thing),
meeting any member of your family (too much pressure),
meeting your friends (unless she already knows them -- again, too much pressure),
taking her to a work function (um, you don't know her well, so is that a risk you want to take?), taking her to Olive Garden (or any major chain restaurant, unless you live in Podunk and you have no other choice),
camping (we want to feel pretty on our first date, not grungy)
taking her to any sort of convention/fan club event (unless you've had a Kung Fu moment, where you've discovered she's into the same unusual hobby you're into)
planning something where she won't have time to get pretty for the date because she has to come straight from work (this might add to her stress, something you don't want to cause)
the gym (this is something you do once you're bf/gf.)
a trip to anywhere out of town (too soon! Easy, tiger!)
asking her to lunch (unless you are honestly THAT busy, we will just think you have a wife/girlfriend! Pony up for an evening date, even if it's just drinks! Friends go to lunch. Boyfriends and girlfriends go to dinner. Nuff said.)
car show/electronics shopping (unless she's as into it as you are)
an engagement party/wedding (you might freak her out!)
anything with babies (again, freak out is possible! -- Yes, women can freak out about that stuff, too. Men are not alone in this.)

Also, nothing involving politics or religion. That's a date #2-3 topic.

3. Um, actually, let me just go ahead and talk about the dinner-and-a-movie thing right now. It is the CRAPPIEST first date EVER. Why? First of all, she's done it a zillion times. It's hard to get excited about that. (Trust me, you want her to be excited, and preferably, gushing to her girlfriends about how you have a supercool date idea.) Second of all, there is no talking for half of the date. By the end of it, you scarcely know each other any better than you did when the date started. I mean, let's face it. That first meal together is usually awkward small talk. The third reason is that it's TOTALLY BORING. *yawn!* These guys are a dime a dozen. Anyone can come up with dinner-and-a-movie. Save that for later on, when a movie comes out that you both REALLY want to see. By then, you'll be comfy enough with each other to get some mid-movie smooching in, too. See? I have your best interests at heart, guys.

4. Alright, let's say you would love to make a super-impressive plan, but you are broke. Or you work weird hours. Or you currently don't have a car. Whatever. That's fine. You are just going to have to work around it and get creative. This is a good time to call in some backup: Run your ideas by friends, gal pals, married guys or even your sister/Mom. They can help you sort out the details. Girls are especially helpful in these sorts of situations. Never forget that everyone -- even Crush Girl -- is pulling for you, man. And guys who can make it happen, despite the odds? Hot. Way hot. The more effort you put into pulling off a great date, the more memorable it will be for her. Exhibit A. Oh, and you don't need to brag about all of your effort. She'll pick up on it, trust me. And spending large amounts of money isn't necessary for a good first date to happen. Unless you're dating a gold digger. In which case, why are you reading this?

5. Are you wondering why you have to do all the work? Ok, that's a legitimate question. Let me put it to you this way. Do you want her to feel special? Important? Relaxed? Then you need to do the planning for about 2 dates. After that, you can start getting input from her. The only thing she should have to do to get ready for date #1 is to look good and show up with a smile on her face. Everything else is your job. Telling her that not only does she have to shower, shave, dry her hair, do her hair, put on her makeup, find an outfit, call 3 girlfriends for 2nd opinions on the outfit, change outfits 4 more times, pluck her eyebrows, talk to her mother -- who has called to lecture her about proper date behavior as though she's never been on a date in her life, change her lipstick, re-curl that lock of hair, spray perfume, select matching earrings, look in the mirror to see how her butt looks in that outfit as opposed to outfit #4, change purses and clean the front hallway/room of her house before you ring the doorbell.......but she ALSO has to pick the restaurant and date activity?! Whew! I'm tired and stressed out, just from re-reading that! Do you want your date to be tired AND stressed? I didn't think so. Trust me, and just plan it, ok? She will be grateful you did.

NOT being The Man with the Plan sends out the following message: "Yeah, I'm interested enough to ask you out, but not interested enough to really think about how it will go. So if it gets messed up, eh. No biggie. I didn't really care to begin with." OR "OMG, I am paralyzed by fear at the thought of possibly messing this up and then you will hate me. I will feel better if you just run the show, because I need to spend the date in the bathroom, calling my mother."

UGH! The first one makes you sound like a cocky asshole who doesn't view Crush Girl as special (very insulting!) and the second one makes us want to beat you up, just because we can! How do you expect us to believe in you if you don't believe in yourself? Is this really what you are going for???

The attitude we want to hear is this: "I have really been looking forward to this for a while. You are amazing and I'm really hoping to make a great impression. So just sit back, relax, and let me show you a great time."

Ahhh. Music to my ears.

6. So, at this point, you've got a cool plan/restaurant/activity in mind. Great! And you've mustered up the courage to ask her out. Super! And she said yes! That's wonderful! Just set a day and time, get directions to her place (unless she wants to meet you there) and call her the day before to confirm all the details. (You can call the "day of" to confirm details, but why leave Crush Girl hanging like that? Best to call the day before.)

WHEW. Ok, the most difficult parts are over. Now, you just have to impress her ON the supercool date.....

Thursday 13: Tips for Guys

[This is actually a post I wrote a while back, but never actually published. And no, Cute Neighbor still hasn't officially made a date with me. Bummer, I know. But let's not dwell, ok?]

Lots of dating/relationship posts popping up these days. I thought I'd put together a handy-dandy list of my own. And yes, of course, all of this is open for debate. Obviously, I cannot claim to be an expert on dating or male/female relationships at all. Exhibit A: my currently abysmal dating life.

Ok, here we go. Uh-oh, I feel a new series of posts coming on....

13 Dating Tips for Guys: Getting the Digits

1. Alright, so you like a girl. Now, before you run around town, wasting her time and yours, let's stop and think about whether or not it would be a good idea to ask her out in the first place. If you are dating someone else, you obviously need to deal with that first. Assuming you're all clear in that department, please, keep reading. Have you heard anything about Crush Girl? What do you already know? Do her friends seem normal? Have you seen any potential red flags (for example, an annoying laugh, a bad habit, obsessive tendencies, a bad temper, an affinity for talking about her ex)? Does she have an actual brain in her head, or do you really just want to bang her? Have all your conversations with her been in the presence of who-knows-how-much alcohol? Hmmm. Perhaps it's good to stop and consider these sorts of things. You might want to change your strategy from "dinner date" to "booty call". Which is totally fine, if that's what she wants, too. But that's a different post. Let's assume you want to take this girl out to dinner. If you don't know jack squat about her, other than she seems great, you need to do some work. Talk to her! What are you waiting for? Her new boyfriend to show up? Go!!

2. Continuing on with the "Is this even a good idea?" thing: proceed with caution under more specific circumstances. Examples of things to consider include: Do you work together? Has she ever dated one of your friends? Is she a friend of your sister's? Is she a friend of your ex-girlfriend's? Is she a neighbor? Is she your boss? Is she of legal age?Is she currently going through a personal crisis, such as divorce, a death in the family, a chemical addiction or major surgery? Is she famous/a local celebrity? I'm not saying it's a bad idea to ask her out if one of these applies (well, unless she's underage, in which case, you're a big perv). I'm just saying, tread carefully, and don't take it personally if you get shot down. If these women were traffic signals, they would be orange cones or flashing yellows.

You're still interested in asking her out? Ok, great. Let's get down to business.

3. Let's start with times/places where it is appropriate to ask a woman for her number. Good places include: parties, bars, Starbuck's, bookstores, Blockbuster, Target, parks, waiting rooms, waiting in line, and maybe even the gym (unless you are really stinky and sweaty!). Bad places include: funerals, work, a corner you've literally backed her into, beauty salons, closing time at the bar, baby showers (why would you even be at a baby shower in the first place??), anywhere where large numbers of people could possibly hear her rejecting you or in front of your Mom. In short, catch her when she's relaxed, sociable and happy. Don't interrupt Girl Time, her presentation to the Boss's Boss or put yourself at risk of job loss/major humiliation. She shouldn't feel there is any pressure. Are we all clear on the boundaries involved in when/where to ask her out? If you have any questions, let me know in the comments. I'm sure there are situations I haven't covered.

4. Is there any way to know ahead of time if she will say yes, thereby avoiding rejection? In a word, no. Unless you can read her mind. I'm sorry to tell you that. But you see, the very FIRST thing you must learn to understand about women is that EVERY WOMAN IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT. If there is one thing I wish men knew, it's that. So memorize it, write it on the back of your hand, tattoo it on your forehead if you want. I hate to break it to you, guys. But sometimes, you just gotta cross your fingers.

I could tell you signs that I give when I'm hoping a guy is going to ask for my digits (I will make perverted jokes, pull my hair off my neck, ask lots of questions, laugh at his jokes, avoid talking about ANY other guys and probably stare entirely too much), but that is ME. And unless you are wanting to ask me out, you just wasted 20 seconds reading that last sentence. So while I cannot tell you IF she will say yes, I can tell you that your chances will be better if you do the following:

5. You wait until the right opportunity: Women do like a guy who makes himself useful. Did she drop something? Does she need a light? Is she having a hard time hailing a cab? Is there some creepy drunk guy annoying her? -- these sorts of things are perfect conversation starters. Plus, as an added bonus, you can see if she's grateful/polite to strangers. Anyway, let's assume you've passed the hurdle of the initial small talk. It's going well if you have been chatting for a while and you are alone (remember, you don't want to be rejected in front of her friends!). If she is interested, she will be trying to get you alone anyway. It is key that you wait for a while, listening and talking to her, before you ask her out so that you don't come off as the guy who is only trying to get in her pants. Don't be the guy who asks out anything that breathes. We pick up on those guys pretty quickly, and it's really insulting, and makes you seem desperate. Wait until she realizes you like her personality and brains, too. If she's still talking to you after 30 minutes, you're probably golden. 5 minutes? Eh....you need to chat her up some more.

6. You avoid cheesiness in your approach: No pickup lines, please. Ever. Seriously, those things should be illegal. If you're in a bar, and you are checking a girl out, try and introduce yourself. What a concept, I know. Try, "Hi. I'm John. You look like you need a drink/laugh/pretend boyfriend. May I be of service?" And go from there. It helps if you have something witty to say. Everyone likes a good laugh. It breaks the ice. Don't panic if something terrible happens. As awful as it sounds, one guy successfully got my digits after he spilled a drink ALL OVER ME. But he said something funny, and bought me a diet coke. So don't worry if you do something klutzy. It can be endearing, and not all is lost. But funny is better. If you're not amazingly witty, try giving her a compliment. Girls never EVER get tired of being told they are beautiful or smart or interesting. You can try and be funny later. DO NOT comment/compliment on ANY sexually related physical attributes or you will make her feel like a piece of meat. I don't care if she's half naked. Don't make any comments about her boobs, ass, belly chain or legs. Good things to compliment include: her perfume, her eyes, her laugh, her smile, her amazing knowledge of the War of 1812. Don't compliment her shoes or bag unless you want her to wonder if you're gay. And also, do not touch her, unless invited to, or if she touches you first. Just because we are dressed like hookers, doesn't mean we want to be treated as such. I realize this makes no sense. Deal.

7. You come off as a nice guy: That means, you aren't dressed in raggedy clothes, you don't smell like motor oil, you are relatively sober, you are polite and you are in a good mood. If you are grungy or drunk or pissed off at all, do not ask her out. Just go home, please. Please do not be the Bragger, who brags about himself, hoping to impress the girl. Ugh. We all hate those guys who make a point of telling the girl about his BMW. Well, maybe some girls like it. Gold diggers, probably. Please do not be Pressure Man, who thinks he can talk his way into a date. You're not pitching a sale. No means no, motherfucker. Trying to change her mind will only annoy her. Just leave. Please do not be Anti-Women Man. If you're still reeling from your most recent breakup, please do not advertise this by littering your conversation with anti-women, anti-feminism comments. Newsflash: We don't like that. (You'd be amazed to know how many guys think we will be excited to go out with them after hearing about what a "cheating, lying bitch" their ex was.)

8. You come off as a normal guy: You are not dressed like Darth Vader (unless it's Halloween, in which case, by all means, use that 'Dark Side' line because it works every time), you do not start every conversation with, "My mom always said...", you do not tell stories about kicking dogs. (Oh yes, I am speaking from experience!) Is it too much to ask that you keep your dryer lint collection to yourself for a while? Remember: women are analytical by nature. We loooove to pick men apart. Trust me, you don't want to fuel this fire. Stash your issues, obsessions and medications at home. It's always better to be boring and normal than weird. Trust me.

9. You come off as yourself: being a little nervous is cute (I know guys hate that word, but really, it's a good thing). Being fake is not. Most girls will see right through that stuff. Don't beat yourself up about your faults/receding hairline/inability to spell. But do realize that girls like confident guys. If you don't like yourself, we will be on to you. So don't ask us out unless you like yourself. Take a deep breath, realize women are not perfect either and know that she's either going to say yes or she's not. Don't think you can talk her out of it. (See "Pressure Man", above.)

In general, your goal should be this: Polite, Confident and Funny. THAT is the ideal approach, in a nutshell. Few women are going to say they would not like that guy.

10. Signs you need to abort mission: she is ignoring you, whispering to her girlfriends in front of you, suddenly has to go to the bathroom, refers to her "boyfriend", flirts with your wingman and isn't doing lots of smiling/laughing/touching around you. You can't seem to get her into a one-on-one conversation. Also, she hasn't made eye contact with you at all. These are classic signs that if you ask, she will say no. Maybe even hell no. Best to pack up, and move on to someone more worthy. Try your best not to be The Guy Who Needs A Clue.

11. Ok, let's say everything is going swimmingly. She's laughing at your jokes, touching your arm and winking. You are thinking of getting her digits. Thinking some more. Weighing the pros/cons.....oh, shit. She just left. You totally missed your chance. Next time: Just. Go. For. It. Most single girls I know (*crickets chirp*) -- ok, there aren't many single girls left here in Columbia. But really, most single girls I've talked to are still old-fashioned enough to want the guy to make the first move. And we would LOVE to be asked out. Some more than others. Because some of us haven't been on a date in 8 months. *ahem* And since women give well over 100 signs when flirting with men, contrasted with men's 4, she's probably already interested and you just don't know it. She probably already knows you're interested, too. It's not like we are clueless, trust me. Guys are pretty easy to figure out. But she's not going to wait around all night, flirting like mad and getting no response. Hot Girls have things to do and people to see. We don't make total idiots out of ourselves until much later.

12. If you have missed your chance at getting the digits, and she's gone, what do you do? Use your resources. You know she likes the bar/store/street where you just talked to her. Maybe she will be back there next weekend. Did she tell you where she works? Lives? Her last name? Now, I'm not advocating stalking, because TRUST ME, that will never work. But they do make these things called "phone books", and some girls still have their numbers in there. And if you just happen to be at that little deli near where she works around lunchtime, I betcha you might run into her. If she mentioned a hobby or a pet, go to places where those sorts of people go. But above all, learn your lesson: Strike While the Iron is Hot. Good things come to those who go for it. The ballsy guy gets the girl. (Oh, that was awful. I'll stop now.)

Wait, wait wait. What do you mean, "that's too much work"? Ahhhh....then you must not have really wanted to get those digits in the first place. Am I right??? So go find her! Just say something along the lines of, "Hi. I'm John from the other night. I really meant to ask for your number, but I wussed out because I'm an idiot. So can I have it now? I'd really like to take you out to dinner." -- This will probably work. We like it when you acknowledge your stupidity. Plus, she will be flattered that you tracked her down. Unless you are knocking on her kitchen window when you do this. In which case, you've crossed the Stalker Threshold, and have totally missed the point of this post.

13. Ok, so you've got the digits! Score! Do you call right away? Do you wait 3 days? 5 days? A week? Like I said, EVERY WOMAN IS DIFFERENT. A good rule of thumb is this: the less she knows you, the sooner you should call. Have you been working with her for months? Wait a few days. Did you talk to her for 10 minutes at a bar? Call a little sooner. Don't be the guy who waits so long that she's forgotten who the hell you are. At the same time, you want to show you aren't desperate and that you have a life. (Refer to the infamous scene in Swingers if you don't know what I mean.) I know, it's hard. But I will tell you that waiting as long as possible will drive her crazy. That's a good thing, in this case. Also, if you get her digits on a Saturday, she's probably giving you until about the following Wednesday to call. Does that give you a good rule of thumb? Wait too much longer, and she will convince herself that you are a jerk and/or you aren't really that into her.

This also might be a good time to stop and think about what kind of a girl she is. If she's more laid-back, not Southern and a sort of "go with the flow" kind of girl, you can call whenever the hell you want.

But if she's like me, you should wait at least 48 hours.

Then again, every woman is different.....

Next installment: How to Plan & Execute Date #1

Dr. Kidney

See if I care that only two people commented on my last post. Because you know what? I don't care. Not one bit.

*sniff!*

Obviously, no one wants to read about Vermont or see how beautiful it is, so instead, I will talk about something else today.

*sniff!*

Today, you get to learn all about my pee. Ha! Take that! See what happens when you ignore my posts? You get gross-out medical posts. Just remember this the next time you choose not to leave comments.

Where should I start? Hmmm. I know. Let's start with the fact that this poster actually means something to me today:



Because for me, it is indeed a urinal. You see, doctors keep finding an excessive amount of protein in my urine, and they can't figure out why. So after 3 dip-stick tests and a catheter experience, they still can't figure out what's wrong. That means I have to go to the next level of testing: I will be spending all of Sunday filling up this weird-looking brown jug with my pee. The pee has to stay cold, so I will either keep it in a sealed bag in my fridge or in a styrofoam cooler. I haven't decided which is worse/grosser. Then, on Monday morning, I will drop off 24 hours worth of VB Pee at Dr. Kidney's (the urologist's) office so they can run more tests. Yippee. Nothing like saving your own pee to make the weekend exciting.

And when I bring in my jug o' pee on Monday, I will probably get more stares from the old men in the waiting room. Sitting there with their enlarged prostates, they were all looking at me like, "Why are YOU here?" -- It was very surreal.

Oh, and as for the PSA portion of this post, let me advise my female readers: If you ever have to go to a urologist's office and wait in their waiting room, bring something to read! My only reading options included: golfing magazines, parenting magazines, entrepreneurial magazines and brochures about overactive bladder medications. Ugh. Obviously, I was not the normal patient. Great.

Anyway, after peeing in yet another cup, even Dr. Kidney seemed baffled about it. "I just can't tell from this. It's probably nothing, but just to be sure...."

And that's when he introduced me to the weird brown jug.

Being both a librarian and paranoid, I of course looked up stuff on the Internet so I could attempt at diagnosing myself.

BAD IDEA.

According to what I've read, high levels of protein indicates kidney damage and is usually found in people with diabetes.

I know I don't have diabetes. It doesn't even run in my family. I mean, if I were diabetic, I'd know by now, right? I mean, I need to lose like, 15 pounds. That's not enough extra weight to give me adult-onset diabetes, right??? I'm not especially thirsty or anything.....

But maybe, just maybe, I have somehow damaged my kidneys. I did have a kidney infection once. And I think I got into a fight with my brother when I was little, and he punched me in the ol' kidneys.....no, wait. I think I punched him in the kidneys.

WHAT IF THERE IS REALLY SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME???

*Overactive Imagination presents VB with mental pictures of the Worst Case Scenario: "I'm sorry, Virginia, but not one of your family members or wonderful friends is a match. You have extremely difficult-to-match kidneys, in addition to have that incredibly rare kidney disorder for which there is no cure. You're going to have to be placed on a kidney transplant waiting list. At the bottom. It will probably take about 18 years for you to get the kidneys you need. Until then, we're just going to have to remove your breasts and eyeballs, and put you on this special medicine, which makes you go bald permanently and barf a lot. We're also going to have to start dialysis. You might want to think about moving back in with your mother so she can take care of you. It will be very painful and incredibly expensive. You've got insurance, right? You might want to call your provider about this." says Dr. Kidney.*

I have talked to dieticians, nurses, friends and hypochondriacs. (You think I am kidding....) I have heard everything from, "Just drink more water!" to "Are you sure you don't have diabetes?" One person is convinced it's the dietary supplement I'm on (biotin-- it's good for your hair and nails!). Another person is sure it's because I've lost weight. Yet another person thinks there's actually nothing wrong with me at all: "What if your body is just like that, and it's 'normal' for you?"

Of course, I'm convinced some crime from my past is catching up with me, in some sick & twisted karmic revenge. It's a result of the MRSA I had this time last year. It's a side effect from the vicodin. I smoked weird, kidney disease-laced pot in college. I've caught some kidney disease from one of my stupid ex-boyfriends. This is my body's reaction to my being mean to old people. Or this is my body's way of saying to me, "You eat entirely too much sugar! I tried to warn you, but now it's too late! You will never eat ice cream again! Hahahahahahahaha!!!"

Much to my dismay, MJ won't pee into the jug for me. I tried bribing her with pumpkin bread, but unfortunately, she doesn't like pumpkin. Some friend she is. I would pee for her. *grumble*

Part 6: Vermont

This is the next installment of my trip with MJ & KT to NYC and Vermont. The last episode can be read here.

We had spent the vast majority of the day traveling by subway, train and car. The drive was beautiful, and we saw lots of little, stereotypical New England towns (which was a first for me, as I'd never been north of Pennsylvania at this point). It was very rural, with large white churches, red barns, little dairy farms, Victorian homes--it's a very delightful part of the country. It all looked like something from a postcard. I can only imagine how charming it must be when everything's covered in snow.

We were exhausted by the time we got to Lake Dunmore, Vermont. It is in (near?) Salisbury, VT. I think it's only about an hour from the Canadian border. We were way up there! But the weather was fantastic -- about 75-80 degrees, mostly sunny.

So we were finally in Vermont. It seemed to take forever, but once we were there, it was heavenly. It reminded me a lot of The Czarina's house: quiet, relaxing, lakeside and in the middle of nowhere. You step out of the car and just.....*sigh*. It is that relaxing. Let me share some pics:








Gorgeous, huh? These are all shots taken from the large, lush yard at the house. I can't remember the last time I was on a lawn that was perfect for walking around barefoot. Unlike here in the South, where our yards are baked to death by the hot sun and full of rocks and twigs, Vermont has nothing but dark, rich, soft earth and all the cool, summer rain makes walking around barefoot perrrrrrrrfect.Here's another shot of the house where we stayed, so you can see the wonderful lawn:

By the time we arrived, it was after dinnertime, and we were exhausted and hungry. MJ, KT, Rocky and I threw our suitcases upstairs in the big dormitory bedroom (there were about 4 beds in one room), and went downstairs to forage for food. The rest of the Rat Pack made us dinner: hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill. At first, this seemed delicious, but after eating that for lunch and dinner for three days, I hope I never have to eat a hamburger again as long as I live!

The weekend was spent eating junk food, drinking terrifying amounts of alcohol (not by me, obviously), fishing, napping, swimming, playing wiffle ball, making smores by the campfire, smoking cigarettes, stealing firewood from a neighbor, sunbathing, laughing, going out for breakfast, listening to music and playing drinking games well into the night.

There was even one night where we all went skinny dipping in the FREEZING lake. And wouldn't you know? MJ & KT, those bitches, made me go FIRST!!! :) But it was still fun. Freezing, but fun.

The Rat Pack probably didn't have as much fun as we did, though, because they had to listen to us talk about ponies, sparkles, glitter, ribbons, feeling pretty, bunnies, things that are fluffy & soft, puppies, things that are cute, lip gloss and similar affinities associated with those of the female persuasion. Keep in mind that as we went on and on and on about ponies, we are speaking in voices normally reserved for 4 year old little girls and choir boys, all while laughing our asses off. We talked like this for 3 days straight, and somehow, never tired of it. I could call MJ or KT right now and say, "Ohmygod! Ponies!" and we would pick up right where we left off. The Rat Pack wailed, complained, covered their ears and yelled at us whenever we broke into our "Pony Voices."

This monster of annoyance was created by Rocky, who began teasing us for being so silly in the car on the way up to Vermont. He started using the voice when he began to get annoyed with us for needing to pee and wanting to look at the cows by the side of the road. We took the teasing and ran with it, making it about 1,000% more annoying. That's what he gets for making us pee in the woods.

So really, he brought it upon himself.

I Can't Take It Anymore!

Dear readers, I am apologizing in advance for this post. If you've ever wanted to skip one of my posts, this is the time to do so. This post is total crap. I have been bored stupid all day, I got no sleep last night and I have been reading blogs almost the whole day (not that your blog is boring!), and my brain is FULL of thoughts, post ideas and expansions on comments I've been sprinkling all over the blogosphere. It's causing me to have yet another Conversation with My Brain.

"Ooh! That post you just read brings up that time from your childhood when The Czarina..." says ADD. [She sounds a little like the Band Camp Girl from American Pie. Can you tell?]

"Yes, but--" interrupts The Responsible Blog Writer.

"Omigod! We should blog about this! Right now! Log in, quick!" says ADD, giddily.

"Stoppit! That's not enough for a whole post! Keep it to yourself for now. Let it marinate for a bit, and one day, you'll be able to write a whole post about it. Something timely, concise and well-constructed. Wait for it to happen naturally!" continues The Responsible Blog Writer.

[whining like a 4 year old] "But...I'll forgeeeeeeeeeeeet! We have to type it nooooooooow!" laments ADD. She stomps her feet in indignation.

"Your posts practically give people motion sickness, what with all your randomness. Can you focus the post this time? Or is it going to be another one of your 'organized' lists of total and sheer absurdity?" asks The Responsible Blog Writer, sneeringly.

"It will be good, I promise!!!!" exclaims ADD, her eyes growing large and pleading. She folds her hands together, almost as if praying.

"Ok, fine. You lucked out, because I'm exhausted today. I don't have the energy to argue with you." sighed The Responsible Blog Writer.

"Is that because you stayed up late, kissing that guy?" asks ADD.

"Yeah! And it was awesome!" blurts Horny.

"Shhhhh! Don't kiss and tell! You've got to stop doing that!" hisses Single Girl.

"But that's all the fun," says Pervert, with a confused expression on his face.

"Can I start now? Pleeeeaaaase?" begs ADD.

"Yes, please, before The Readers start asking you about this guy and more nosy questions about your underwear!" says Single Girl.

ADD's Random Thoughts of the Day

1. I need help with this, readers. I need your advice. I try and read all the blogs I can (if you have ever left a comment on my blog, you're on my list of blogs! I'm at about 100), but sometimes I am woefully behind. Sometimes, I get so behind, I'm too mortified to even come back and catch up. I don't want to be a slave to blog reading (I am a real person with a real life), but I also don't want to offend by taking more than I give. Or whatever. You know what I mean. I feel an absurd amount of guilt over this. Thoughts on this? Opinions? Tips for me? WHAT DO I DO???

2. Teahouse Blossom is engaged and is trying hard not to be a Bridezilla. [insert standing ovation here.] I have been thinking that it's weird how nowadays, people seem to put more effort and time into having the perfect wedding than they do making sure they're marrying the right spouse. Seems kind of silly, huh? I have an engaged couple in mind, actually, as I type this. They have no business getting married. It will be one of those weddings where people will secretly whisper jokes about taking bets for when the divorce will happen. (Ok, I know it's no laughing matter...) And their friends are powerless to do anything, for fear of ruining the friendship. Man, I hope I'm never a member of a couple like that.....

3. The Czarina thinks I am going to be wearing her wedding dress when (if?) I get married. Little does she know that I think her wedding photos look like a lace factory barfed all over her. Then, after the lace-barf dried and stuck to her skin, the Industrial-Strength Rubberband Ninja attacked her, clamping her at the neck and wrists, ensuring that the lace-barf will not only cover every inch of her body, but it will also cling to her all day. I can't tell her about the lace-barf, because it will break her heart. She thinks the dress is gorgeous. *gags*

4. Aside from eloping, my only solution to this problem is to try and gain lots of weight the second I'm engaged, thereby rendering the dress uselessly too small. Sweet! Except that I don't want to be Fat Bride VB. It's not like I can tape a sign on my ass as I walk down the aisle that reads: "I only gained all this weight so I wouldn't have to wear the lace-barf dress. I hope you understand. Please try and take all photos from a flattering angle. Thank you."

5. Of course, I could try and alter my grandmother's dress. It's a 1940s pale blue satin dress--MUCH more my style. The gigantic shoulder pads and long sleeves will have to go. And somehow, I will have to shrink 4 inches (The Czarina's mother was a short, bosomy German spark plug of a woman)....oh dear. Maybe I can add some sort of trim to the bottom? Or insert a panel in the waist, thereby making the skirt longer? Ugh. Why in Holy Hell am I even talking about this??

6. I have recently learned about Couch Surfing. If this doesn't show the kindness of strangers, I don't know what does. It's incredible to me, sometimes, how much we CAN still trust strangers.

7. What is my favorite thing about blogging? Reading other people's blogs. It is the box 'o chocolates of the Internet. You never know what people will write about! Today I read posts on dogfighting, snot, burying ashes of loved ones and arguments with neighbors. I even got a potato soup recipe. I love it! We are all out there, interpreting our worlds, sharing our experiences and exposing our humanity for all to see. *sigh*

[Apparently, Cynical has the day off. In her place is Idealistic, a part-time Voice who fills in from time to time. She keeps applying for a full time position, but the other Voices cannot stand her touchy-feeliness, and unanimously veto all plans to adopt her into their collective existence.]

8. Do you believe in the Law of Threes? It's that little adage which states that good things and bad things happen in sets of three. I'm starting to think I do. Then again, I'm kind of superstitious. In the last 24 hours, look at what has happened to me: I got an unexpected check in the mail (WOOT!!!), E said she is seriously considering moving in with me and Netflix announced that it's lowering my subscription rates. Ok, I know it's kind of weak, but funny how suddenly the Universe wants to see my bank account do a little better. Unfortunately, now I'm worried that three bad things will happen to me tomorrow....

9. This past weekend, MJ and I saw a foreign film. (Why are people always so surprised to learn that I like "artsy" and "foreign" films?? Jeez, am I that vanilla? I do like culture, people!) Anyway, it was a French film called Private Fears in Public Places. After the movie, we discussed our reactions to the movie and hypothesized about its meaning and message. I think it's about the problems which can result from hiding your true self to others. But I'm sure there are many other interpretations. The acting is very good, and it's set in Paris, so if you're interested in a thought-provoking movie....

~~~~~~~
There. I feel better now. Thank you for letting me ramble and go all over the place. *breathes sigh of relief.* All that stuff was just up in my brain, accumulating. Had to get it out.

What is wrong with me today? I am a crackhead. I am so sorry. I need sleep. Also, I have medicine head, thanks to my sinus infection.

P.S. to Part 5

I just needed to add on a couple of things to MJ's most recent post (Part 5 of our trip to NYC & VT). So this will be short. If you haven't read her post, this won't make any sense to you. But it's important for you to know about these, so you can see just how ridiculous and hopeless I am.

The morning we left NYC for Vermont, I decided to travel in comfort, and wore a flimsy black skirt. We loaded ourselves down with suitcases and walked a few blocks to the subway station. It was kind of a breezy morning. I was following MJ & KT into a large intersection. This is when I learned a very important lesson about NYC:

Large intersections in NYC tend to be very breezy, so keep a hand free to hold your skirt down.

Of course, my hands were full of stuff, and so I was totally helpless when my skirt completely blew up, exposing my undies to the entire busy intersection. Great. This would only happen to me. I think approximately 563 people knew what kind of underwear I had on that day. Awesome.

Then we went down to the subway, where I learned another important lesson about traveling in NYC:

If you are carrying a suitcase on wheels through the subway turnstyle, PICK IT UP before you go through.

Still following MJ & KT, we got our subway cards and started to lug ourselves and our stuff through the turnstyles. MJ went through. KT went through. I got stuck. Somehow, I managed to get the handle of my suitcase wrapped around the turnstyle bar. Which was not moving, because I'd already swiped my ticket. And since we had all bought single-ride tickets, my ticket was now useless -- I'd already swiped it. I couldn't just hop back over the turnstyle and buy a new ticket, either--the turnstyles are very tall and designed to prevent people from jumping over them. I was in limbo -- neither forward nor backward could I go. I began to panic, because it was time to board the train and Rocky was going to shoot us if we were late, and I would be forced to spend the rest of my trip, crying, stuck in the subway turnstyle.

I look up, and MJ and KT have realized what is going on. They are struggling with the subway doors, getting yelled at for holding up the train. "Come on! What's wrong? Hurry up!" they yelled. "I can't ! I'm stuck!" I shouted back. Seeing that I was hopelessly stuck, they gave up, grabbed their stuff and hopped off. KT dropped something right as the doors were closing. That's when a nice lady on the subway tossed it to her right in the nick of time. (It was pretty cool, actually. Kind of like something from a movie. They had one chance and a 2 second moment to do it.)

Somehow, MJ untangled me. I still don't know how she got me unstuck, because I was lodged in there pretty good. She still doesn't know how I managed to get stuck in the first place. Again, something only I would do.

So just remember that turnstyles are not suitcase friendly. Pick up your suitcases, folks. And keep that hand free to hold down your skirt. Unless you're the kind of person who likes flashing busy intersections full of strangers.

NYC Trip, cont.

Um, I think this is part 4, but I'm not sure. The last installment is at MJ's though.

One thing MJ and I forgot to share was our token NYC Homeless Person moment. [Note: The taste of this post is in some question. I realize this isn't much different than most of my posts, but if you have a weak stomach or are easily offended, you might want to skip this part. Then again, if you are like that, why are you reading my blog? But I digress.]

MJ and I were waiting outside of a vitamin store while KT went inside to buy some dietary supplements or something. We were still drinking our coffee, I think, when a homeless woman walked up to us.

She had dried snot all over her face, and asked us--actually, it was more of a slurred request-- for money. It was pretty obvious she would use any donated cash for large quantities of alcohol or illegal drug purchases, so we said no. The homeless lady continued on down the street, veering all over the sidewalk. I went back to talking to MJ.

A few seconds later, MJ poked me in the arm, pointed in the direction of the homeless lady, and said, "Look!"

Dumbass that I am, I fell for it. I turned to look over my shoulder to see the homeless woman's ass. All of it. She was scratching it as she walked down the street. Then she yanked her pants back up.

After sarcastically thanking MJ for pointing that out to me, we continued on our way (I believe we were on our way to the Empire State Building??) with KT in tow. As we walked, MJ related a story that Rocky had told her about another homeless woman in NYC.

Apparently, Rocky had seen a homeless woman peeing in an alley or something, and he had been amazed at her technique. As most women know, peeing while standing up, for a woman, means you end up peeing all over yourself. So this little story will actually serve as a PSA for women without toilets everywhere. Keep this in mind for the next time you go camping, girls.

According to Rocky, this woman grabbed her ankles while peeing, causing her flow to project behind her in a totally horizontal way. Not only is horizontal pee apparently something amazing to behold, it's also a very effective way to avoid peeing on yourself.

I am not telling you this to gross you out. It plays a role in the Tale of Our Trip later on, I swear.

Alright, so where did MJ leave off? Oh yes, we met up with Rocky down near Ground Zero to give him his keys. Century 21 was a total zoo. Then we went to Canal Street for some shopping.

I was looking for this, or something similar (big, with a slouchy middle) only in a knock-off version. I found one, but the zipper didn't work. [Insert small cry here.]

After much hemming and hawing, I decided to get this one, since it looked like "me":



Ah, I'm a sucker for metallic leather....anyway, it's supposedly a Tod's knockoff, although I'm unable to find any image of an "official" Tod's bag looking even remotely similar to mine. In any case, it doesn't matter, because I love it.

Exhausted from shopping and walking all day, we headed back to Rocky's (via my favorite, the NYC Subway!!!) to meet up with him and his roommates for dinner. By the time the 6 of us were ready to go, we were starved. As we walked around Greenwich Village, searching for a good place to eat (translation: one on which we can all agree!), KT suddenly shrieked:

"PINKPUSSYCAT!!PINKPUSSYCAT!!PINKPUSSYCAT!!"

(See? I told you this post was in poor taste. Gah, I don't even want to think about the terms that will pop up on my statcounter now....*shudders*)

It turns out that KT loves this adult novelty store called The Pink Pussycat. We were saddened to see that it was closed, but we took a photo in front of it anyway. The guys stood and watched us get excited about this adult toy store. They were confused by our excitement over such a place. Huh? Were they serious? Men, lovers of all things sexual, didn't see what the big deal was about a sex store??? After some prying on our parts, it was determined that they did not realize there were items for them inside these places, and thought we liked the fuzzy bedroom slippers or something.

Um, not hardly. We decided to educate the guys about the joys of sex toy stores over dinner. They had almost no experience with sex toy/porn stores AT. ALL.

(File this under "Things I Did Not Know About Men"!)

Still starving, we needed to pick a place to eat. We decided to go to Tio Pepe's, a Spanish-Mexican place nearby. (Correct me if I'm wrong, MJ, but I think you can see our round table in the foreground of the first picture!) Everyone (but me, obviously) enjoyed their sangria and beer while we waited for our nacho appetizer.

Our $8 nacho appetizer.

Which had a grand total of 6 nachos on it.

"Good thing we're not hungry!" someone joked.

2 seconds later, those were gone. Feeling the pinch in my wallet at this point, I decided to order an appetizer for my meal to save money. "I'm on a diet, anyway, so it will be good if it's a smaller portion," I thought.

I got the most measly excuse for a quesadilla I've ever seen in my life. It was delicious, don't get me wrong. But the portion size? It wouldn't keep a mouse alive. Apparently in NYC, appetizers are far different from meals. They are called "tapas", which is Spanish for "you will starve". Unlike in SC, where "appetizer" means "a large, cheaper and possibly deep fried meal, disguised by a fancy name".

"Note to self," I thought.

To my left, MJ & KT were enjoying their gigantic, steaming bowls of $20 paella. "We're going to need to-go boxes," they told the waiter. "Dammit!" I thought. Oh well.

We headed back to Rocky's apartment to get ready to go out. Since there were 3 girls and only one bathroom, MJ decided to entertain herself with the xBox while I got ready. She found some strange Burger King game, and began playing it.

Little did she and I know that within a matter of seconds, we'd need many kleenex to sop up our tears of laughter. The game is a total riot. I made the mistake of watching her play while I brushed my teeth and almost snorted my Colgate. I wish I could show you all of the funny things MJ made The King do (like running around in tiny circles very VERY quickly), but I can't. So this video will have to suffice.



MJ and I want to buy an xBox now, JUST so we can play that game. I have rarely laughed so hard in my life.

Once we were all ready, we grabbed a cab and headed to....uh, Chinatown, I think. Or near it, anyway. All I know is, the street garbage was no longer magical to me. Now, it was magically revolting. I almost hurled twice, just walking around. I was so relieved when the guys led us into a bar.

Oh. Right back out again. Apparently, that bar was "dead". Kind of like the fish carcasses again surrounding me in the streets of Chinatown. I think the next bar was called Happy Endings. (I think that's the one with the bar in front and strip club in back???) Surprisingly, it was dead, too. Back outside. We did this about 3 more times until we found a packed place: Piano's. We immediately went upstairs, where there was a dj and a dancefloor.

Although it was too loud to do much talking, we still had a good time, dancing and goofing around. That is, until MJ said, "Uh oh. Those creepy guys are staring at us."

"I know," I replied.

"And we can't make eye contact with them, because then they will come over," she said. I nodded in agreement.

Luckily, Rocky showed up just as we were having this discussion. MJ informed him of our problem. Rocky turns to me and says, "Make out with me."

"Huh?" I asked.

"Just make out with me!" he said.

"Ok," I blurted, surprising myself at how easily I agreed to this idea. (Inner Slut???)

Unfortunately, my mouth made the decision without consulting my brain. My poor brain was caught totally off-guard and so was unable to send the "kiss the guy" command to my mouth. The only command it sent was, "Whaaaaaaa???" So instead of a mildly awkward and spontaneous make-out session between friends, it ended up being an extremely awkward, train wreck of a make-out session between friends. Like, I was 12 again, and didn't know what to do with my tongue. Or his tongue. And all I could manage to do was open my mouth and just sort of.....drool.

Oh. God.

I wanted a re-do, to be perfectly honest. I mean, usually I have a heads up and time to prepare. I swear to God, I know how to kiss! I'm a good kisser! That wasn't me!! That was....oh, God, I don't know what that was. That was possibly my worst, most awkward moment EVER. I was pretty much mortified.

But it worked. The creepy guys left. So, good call on Rocky's part. I guess I just needed a warm up or something.

It was one of those things where you'd give ANYTHING for it to be your little secret. But it's impossible, because you weren't the only person involved. And your friends saw it go down, too.

I had a hard time looking Rocky in the face for the rest of the trip, actually.

Ugh. Can we move on now? Thanks.

After partying there for a while, we left and went to another bar, next door to Rocky's apartment. MJ went to bed, but the rest of us stayed up and sang our group's unofficial theme song: "Don't Stop Believing" -- by Journey. Then Rocky and his roommate tried to find me a guy. They made some poor guy from Romania (I think?) talk to me. As if my night hadn't been awkward enough. He was cute, though, I gotta say. I think his name was Lothar or something equally unusual. Big, tall blonde guy. Mmmm. I like blondes. After some awkward small talk, he left. I turned to Rocky and his roommate.

"Thanks, guys, but I'm ok right now," I said.

"I'm just trying to help you get laid!" said Rocky.

"If you wanted to help me get some, you should have invited The Magician!" I said.

"Oh, he's in Maine," Rocky informed me.

*sigh*

Soon after that, we all went to bed. We had to be up early the next morning to catch a train. The NYC portion of our vacation was almost over. We were going to Vermont for the weekend, where we'd be meeting up with the rest of The Rat Pack.

Stay tuned, readers. Our next installment will use the following phrases:

"OMG! I'm a girl!"
"The Museum of Circles"
"road trip with Hitler"
"grab your ankles!"

and of course,
"Hey, Ahty, wanna go play some stickbawl?"

MJ, it's all you, girl.

*gulp!* Another Conversation with My Brain

Since MJ is doing the next installment of our NYC trip, I will let you skedaddle on over there for more NYC stories.

That way, I can give you the small update about my love life. Yes, it's true. I have an update.

I took the dogs for a short run at the park yesterday. I was kinda sweaty, but realized I needed to do some yard work. "No time like the present," said Little Miss Productive, "You might as well do it now before it gets too hot."

So I was in my front yard yesterday, doing some weeding and watering. "Pee Yoo! I stink!" I thought.

"Just finish up this little bit of weeding, and then you can go inside and take a shower," Little Miss Productive urged.

"But I'm stinky and hungry! And my fingernails are all green!" whined Prisspot.

I went back to weeding. Who appeared out of nowhere???

Cute Neighbor.

"See??!! I told you we should have taken a shower! Now you're stinky! And your makeup has slid off of your face. Stay far away from him so he won't smell your stanky swamp ass!" Prisspot said.

Cute Neighbor and I made some small talk in my front yard. I asked about his dad, he asked about my trip to NYC & Vermont. Yadda yadda. We talked for probably a half hour.

"Ok, this is going pretty good," said Stupidly Optimistic.

"Except for the fact that you currently smell like a buffalo," retorted Pessimistically Paranoid.

"I told you!" shrieked Prisspot.

This conversation with my brain was suddenly interrupted by Cute Neighbor, who was explaining to me how he still had some of the cookies left from when I brought him a plate the other day. "Yeah, I keep them in the fridge so they don't go stale. I eat one per day."

"Wow, that's totally something we would do," said Nerd.

"No it isn't. You could never eat one cookie per day. You'd scarf those puppies down so fast it would make anyone's head swim. What planet are you on, lady?" said Good Point.

"Oops. He's still talking. Pay attention!" said Space Cadet.

Cute Neighbor went on: "Yeah, those cookies are really good. I need to take you out to dinner sometime to thank you for making me all these cookies."

"WHAT?!" screamed Panic.

"Holy Shit! Is that a date??" exclaimed Single Girl.

"You go, girl! Project Cookie Seduction worked!" said Confident.

"OMG, this is a horrible, horrible idea. This will never work. You can't go out with your neighbor. No digging in your own backyard!" said Pessimistically Paranoid.

"This! Is! Awesome! You're going to have such a nice time! He's a super nice guy! And you're a super nice girl! Let's do cartwheels!" squealed Stupidly Optimistic.

"Wait....did he even just ask you on a date? Because that could be interpreted several ways," cautioned Cynical.

"No, that was totally an ask-out! Wheeeee!" said Stupidly Optimistic. [Stupidly Optimistic does cartwheels with Space Cadet.]

"Ooh! Maybe we should go shopping. You need to make sure you wear something devastating. And do your hair," said Single Girl.

"Yes, please do your hair. It looks so awful when you just let it hang there. Kind of like how it is right now," said Inner Mom Voice.

"Um, ok, he hasn't exactly picked a time and a place, people. Also, he's waiting for an answer. Hello??" said Good Point.

"What? Sorry. I was thinking about lunch," said Space Cadet.

"We need to respond to his statement in some way that indicates interest," said Good Point.

"NO! No reply! Let's just pretend we didn't hear him and hurriedly go back inside! Run! Before it's too late!" shouted Panic. "We can't go on a date! We haven't been on a good date in....shit, a really long-ass time. We're fine just how we are right now. Why mess that up??"

"Look, Panic. Just because we are all terrified of dating in any way, shape or form doesn't mean we have to spend the rest of our lives sleeping alone. Eventually, we are going to have to go on a date again. And eventually, there may even be emotional investment. Not necessarily with this guy, but it will happen. You are going to have to just deal with your fears, and not at the expense of potential happiness, either. I swear, if you don't knock it off with this self-destructive mentality...." said Overly Analytical.

"But it's just going to happen again! The last guy seemed nice at first, too! And look what happened! It's just easier to stay single and alone!" cried Panic.

"Panic's bringing up good points," added Pessimistically Paranoid. Cynical nodded in agreement. "Maybe this is a bad idea."

"Speak for yourselves. We're broke and could use the free dinner," said Cheapskate.

"Um, Pervert and I have a question," interrupted Horny, nervously. "Is there going to be any potential for smooches on this supposed date?"

"NO!!!!" shouted Paranoid, Single Girl and Cynical.

"How about ass-grabbing?" asked Pervert.

"Definitely NOT!!!!" yelled Shy and Inner Mom Voice.

"People. You are worrying about future details. If we don't respond in some way to this, the whole dumb date won't even happen at all. Can we get our act together and give him some kind of reaction?" said Good Point.

[For some unknown and highly arbitrary reason, Shy was nominated to speak for all the Voices in response to this statement from Cute Neighbor.]

"Oh. Uh. Ok. Sounds good," stammered Shy.

*All the Voices roll their eyes.*

I talked to Cute Neighbor for a couple more minutes. He left without making any specific plans.

"Can we take a shower now? I'm icky!" whined Prisspot.

"See???? I told you there's no way he'd actually be asking you out! He was just making small talk." said Pessimistically Paranoid.

"That's ok, he will! Maybe he'll come over tomorrow!" said Stupidly Optimistic.

"Tomorrow???!!!! Oh no!!!!!!" said Panic.

....and that's why it's now 1pm and I still haven't gone to lunch. Cute Neighbor works from home. He will be there. Right near my house, when I'm munching on my sandwich. He might want to talk to me. Ugh. WHY am I so petrified at the concept of going on a date???? We are way past nervous butterflies here, people. I'm totally panicking at the notion of going on a date. I need some reassurance. Or drugs. Something. Help!!!!

NYC: Part 2 or, A View from the Top

Greetings, readers! MJ wanted me to do "Part 2" of our trip to NYC. I will try to remember everything I can without overlapping too much. We got into JFK around 10:30 or so, waited forEVER for a cab, and got to Rocky's apartment. It turns out I was wrong, thinking he lived in SoHo. He lives in Greenwich Village (or, if you are a New Yorker, "The Village"), right on the west end of Bleeker Street, which is only about a block from NYU and this landmark. (I took some pics of his street, I'll share them later.) This part of NYC is a big maze of streets, full of bars, little restaurants and a few shops. It's a neat neighborhood, full of those red brick, 5-story buildings I told you about in my last post. I was surprised at the number of people who were still out and about, on a Wednesday night. "Oh, right. The city that never sleeps," I thought.

Walking up the 2 flights of a beat-up stairwell (which had pink stairs and smelled very musty) we arrived at Rocky's apartment. It was surprisingly large. Well, except for his bedroom, which might have measured 8x6 -- if that. He calls it his "cubicle". Otherwise, the apartment is generous in size -- high ceilings, hardwood floors, large windows and a kitchen big enough to cook in. Not that the 4 bachelors living there ever used it. And we soon learned that having one bathroom for all of us was very challenging. Anyway, we basically arrived, dropped our stuff and went to a bar (Down the Hatch) with Rocky. Because we went out the night we got there, but wanted to have as full of a day as possible, we went to bed at about 2am and got up at about 7am. Ouch.

Apparently, someone awoke to this, since this pic was on MJ's camera:



This is Rocky, asleep on the floor of his apartment. One of us has placed a sticker on his butt. Tee hee. We were going to go to a Mets game with him the next day, but that idea fell through. We were stuck with shopping as an alternative activity. Bummer, right? ;)

So we got up and got out. The weather was fantastic -- sunny, mid-70s. First things first: we needed breakfast. Specifically, NY bagels with cream cheese. We headed over to the Waverly, a greasy spoon near NYU. (I don't think you are supposed to confuse this with The Wavery Inn Restaurant, which is very "schmeh schmeh" and owned by a Vanity Fair editor). Anyway, we had a nice, big breakfast, and I mistakenly didn't order a bagel with cream cheese. The best part about breakfast was the rumbling. "Um...is that an earthquake or something?" I asked. [Inside my head, I was thinking, "OMG! The building is FALLING DOWN and no one is panicking!!!! Just calm down, VB or you will expose yourself as a tourist! Ask MJ & KT calmly what the hell is going on."]

"No, that's the subway," MJ and KT replied, "There's a station right outside of this building."

"Really? It makes the whole building shake?" I asked, totally amazed. They nodded.

"WOW!" I replied. For the rest of breakfast, I grinned from ear to ear every time the rumbling happened. I just thought it was so cool. I knew I'd love the subway.

And I did! (See last post for why.)*

After breakfast, we got on the subway and headed over to the Empire State Building. Where we waited in line. For about 2 hours. Maybe longer? I don't know. It seemed to take forever. I almost told MJ that we can just forget about it and turn around and go, but I knew I'd regret it if we did.

I'm so glad we went up. The weather was perfect. Not even breezy. Check out the views!

Can you see Central Park in this one? It's behind some of the buildings, almost in the upper left hand corner of the picture.

I like this picture, because it's full of NYC cabs. We had one cabbie who had such a thick accent, I'm amazed we got where we wanted to go. None of us could understand this guy.

This is a shot of lower Manhattan. So we are looking south in this shot. The area where it looks like there's a "gap" in the skyline is where the Twin Towers used to be. I think. To the right is Jersey and to the left is Brooklyn.

Ok, you might have to click on it to get a better look, but The Flatiron Building is near the bottom center of this shot. LOVE that building. Did you know it's only 6 feet wide at the tip?

This is what you see if you lean against the observatory wall and look straight down all 86 floors. Wowza. Teeny tiny, huh? It was funny to me that you cannot really hear the cars from that height, but you could hear the sirens from the fire engines VERY well.

Do you see the Chrysler Building near the right-hand side of this shot? It's so beautiful. The Chrysler Company has never had its headquarters there. I thought that was interesting. It's just a big, shiny advertisement for the company.


By the time we were done with the Empire State Building, we were starved for lunch. Since we wanted to head over to Canal Street to look at designer knock-off accessories, we decided to stop for lunch on the way in Little Italy. We had lunch at one of the round, tableclothed (is that a word?) tables in the foreground of this picture. I could be wrong, but I think it was right on Mulberry Street. Although it was very touristy, I ordered a big bowl of tortellini in meat sauce, and let me tell you -- it was out of this world. I ate every bite. Full from our meatballs, eggplant and tortellini, we headed over to Canal Street to do some shopping in/near Chinatown.

Unfortunately, time flies when you're having fun. It was already mid-afternoon when we finished eating. Our day in NYC was almost over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alright, I'm going to stop here for now because A) MJ says my posts are ridiculously long, B) I'm sure I've inadvertently left stuff out, and so I will stop before I get too far ahead of myself, and C) I'm trying to use up a roll of film with more pics of NYC on it so I can share the pics at the same time I am telling the tales of NY/Vermont.

I know, I suck at pictures. I rarely remember to take them, and when I do, they are pretty lame. Yes, I am fully aware that I need to buy a digital camera. And take better pics. Sorry.

MJ, did I leave anything out so far???

* SUPER COOL COINCIDENCE: Ok, MJ rolled her eyes when I told her this, but I thought it was cool. I have been watching this documentary about the history of NYC. The other night, I finally got to the part where they build the subways. WHO do you think was the FIRST person to ride the NYC subway???? The mayor of NYC. No surprise, really, right? EXCEPT that he was a distant relative/ancestor of mine. Yup. (My dad's side of the family is from NY, and I recognized the name immediately. I didn't know he was mayor, either!) BUT WAIT! It gets WEIRDER: How about the FIRST place he got on the subway was THE SAME STREET where we stayed in NYC, and may have been the SAME SUBWAY STATION where I got on for the first time, too!!! Yet another one of my small world experiences.

(MJ, where did we get on after Waverly? Was it Bleeker???)

Country Mouse Goes to the City

I'm back! Well, actually, I think I died of utter and total exhaustion about 4 days ago, so I'm actually a zombie version of myself. I haven't had more than about 5-6 hours of sleep each day for a week now. A few nights, I was lucky to get 4. So "tired" doesn't really begin to describe it. At lunch today, I tried to heat up my hot pocket in my pantry cabinet, if that gives you any indication of what I'm like today.

Luckily, my good friend and traveling companion MJ has posted day #1 of our trip over on her blog. She did a very good job at summarizing it. So head on over there to see how the first day went. I'll wait.

Done? Ok, good. The only thing I would like to add is this: OMG I LOVE NYC!!!!

I seriously considered not coming home. (I am not kidding or exaggerating. I might really do it!) Now I understand how my Eccentric Aunt felt when she went abroad her junior year of college. She went to the UK and never came back. That was in about 1969.

Speaking of Europe, NYC reminds me a lot of Rome: old, crowded, dirty, full of amazing architecture and incredibly charming. It was love at first sight for me.

Today, I'm going to give you my general impressions of NYC. Then later this week, I'll get into the details of our trip.

I know it's Wednesday, but I'm going to do a Thursday 13 today. I am so exhausted from this trip that counting to 13 is about all I can do right now. New Yorkers who read this are going to get a kick out of this list, because the oddest, most mundane things were really interesting to me. Here goes:

Thirteen Things I Love/Hate About NYC

1. Magic Garbage -- At the end of the day, you can see all the garbage piling up outside of all the buildings. Some of the piles get really big and/or stinky (especially if you're in Chinatown -- I guess they sell a lot of fish down there??) . So when you're walking around at night, it can be kind of gross. At first, I asked, "How do they prevent raccoons from getting into the garbage?" And everyone snickered. "Um, this is New York. Raccoons are not native. There aren't any animals to get into the garbage," MJ explained. "Oh. Right," I mumbled. Duh, VB!! Ugh, I am such a country bumpkin. But the cool thing is, somehow, in a matter of only a few hours, ALL the garbage is GONE. It's like magic. And everything in NYC is cleared out, washed off and ready for a new day. I think that is so cool. NYC must have very hard-working garbage men. Or a very efficient system for dealing with all that garbage.

2. The Subway -- Everyone on the trip thought I was loony for liking the subway. But really, it was my ABSOLUTE favorite thing EVER. I could ride it all. day. long. Like a homeless person. (I guess that's what bums do -- they ride the subway all day.) Not only is it loud and fast (which reminds me of a rollercoaster, and makes me feel important and busy), it's also reasonably priced. I love the efficiency of it all. No matter where you need to go, there's a subway station only a few blocks away. You wait for the next train (which maybe takes 2 minutes), and you hop on and -- VOILA -- 5 minutes later, you're on the other side of town. It's like magic.

And the whole time, you are traveling with total strangers from any walk of life. For those brief moments, you are sharing an experience with them. An experience which you'll probably never talk to them about. This is so odd to me. (I know you can say the same thing about flying on an airplane, but somehow, this was different. Maybe because you never know where the other people will get on/off?) With every person I saw on the subway, I thought, "I will never see their face ever again. Even if I moved here, the chances of riding the subway with this person again are one in a zillion. Who are they? Where are they from? Where are they going today? Are they happy? Stressed? Homesick? Foreign? Broke? In love?" I would try not to stare as I studied them, trying to learn about them through their clothes, body language or the magazine they were reading. Yes, I know they are just normal people. But unlike Columbia, SC, where everyone is pretty much exactly the same, I could practically SMELL the variety of NYC every time I got onto the subway. (I'm sure New Yorkers who've ridden the subway with a stinky homeless person can say they have smelled it too -- har har.)

3. NYC Women -- I knew that as a world center for the fashion industry that I'd probably see a lot of killer clothes and outfits. And I did. They were just different from what I expected. NY women have an uncanny ability to throw together extremely stylish outfits. It would never occur to me to wear leggings with a sundress, long beaded necklace and a headband. Or a strapless green terrycloth dress with silver Birkenstocks. And to hear me describe these outfits, you might think, "Ew. That would look stupid." When in reality, they looked SO COOL. I could never master this technique of looking so casually put-together and fashionable, yet totally unique at the same time. It was hard not to take notes: "Flip-flops out, cheongsam in. Khakis out, skinny jeans in. Vests and cowgirl boots also in." I analyzed these women, almost like Jane Goodall studied chimps, trying to break down their outfits into their components or to try and define them. And you know what? I couldn't. They weren't preppy or trendy or bohemian or tailored or whimsical. Their outfits are totally undefinable. The best way I can describe it to you is that a lot of the women my age dressed like the Olsen Twins. (Then again, we spent a lot of our time in Greenwich Village, right near all the college girls at NYU, so this makes sense.) Lots of big sunglasses and gigantic leather purses--I really liked that those are in style right now. Lots of black leggings and those high-waisted "pregnancy" dresses. Headbands everywhere. Yet for each girl dressed like that, there were 15 who weren't. And those 15? Each was wholly unique. But everyone looked fabulous. I just wish I could imitate them somehow. I just can't figure out how!

In my fitted t-shirts and baggy jeans, I felt like a total dork. I kept getting my shirts dirty, and it's not like it's easy to run home and change your top. So I had to wear my lunch. And my jeans are baggy from losing weight, so they were not doing much for my figure. I must have looked like a total slob. Now that I'm back home, I'm convinced that Columbia is the black hole of fashion. *sigh*

Oh well. The good news is, when we got dressed up and went out to some bars, I got compliments on my favorite red dress and my silver clutch. At least I'm doing something right.

4. Speaking of going out in NYC, it's not very smoker-friendly up there. No smoking in bars or restaurants. No smoking near the entrances to bars or restaurants. No smoking in apartments, taxis or the subway. So if you want to smoke, you've got to be in motion, walking somewhere.

5. To further inhibit your nicotine addiction, cigarettes cost a whopping $7.50 per pack. Sometimes more than that. Now I know why my college friend would buy cartons before she got on the plane to go home to NJ for the holidays. It's double what smokes cost here.

6. But not everything is expensive. Across the street from where we stayed, there was a bodega (I LOVE that word) which sold coffee and bagels in the mornings. If you don't know what a bodega is, think of a quickie mart, only more cramped and part grocery store/liquor store/diner. They had sandwiches and regular "quickie mart" sort of items, too, but we LOVED that we could get good, hot coffee and a toasted bagel with cream cheese for about $3. The interesting thing to me was that they will put the sugar and creamer in your coffee for you. I guess this is to save time for busy New Yorkers on their way to work. I really appreciated it, especially since my hands were always full. "Why doesn't every place do this?" I thought.

7. I had a love/hate relationship with all of the walking. Imagine walking all. day. long. Then, walk some more. Just a few more miles to go! Ok, now do it with a big purse full of stuff and carrying lots of shopping bags. Do you see why everyone always carries a water bottle with them? And why they wear flat shoes? Yeah. It gets hot. And tiring. I think I saw maybe two overweight people while I was there. I honestly have no idea how anyone could ever get fat in that city with all the walking you do. I mean, yes, riding the subway can cut out a lot of it, but sometimes, you have to walk 10 blocks to get to the subway. And of course, a cab can take you anywhere you want to go. But it will cost you.

So, if you're broke like me, you do a lot of walking. I credit the walking with the fact that I didn't gain any weight while we were there. And I have to say, there's no better way to get a feel for the city than walking its streets. You can take the time to window shop, study the architecture, people watch and think. It's probably the most entertaining walking I've ever done. There is no shortage of things to see, smell or hear. "Sensory overload" doesn't begin to describe it. If I ever move there, I'm going to walk every single street in Manhattan, just like Caleb and Thomas did. It would be my new hobby. (Notice how Caleb is a librarian? I thought that was pretty cool.)

8. I also spent a lot of time waiting in lines. There were lines for taxis at the airport, the Empire State Building, in the clothing stores and for some of the bathrooms. There are just....a TON of people. People people people as far as the eye can see. Manhattan alone has about 8 million people on the little island. That is almost 3 times the entire population of Ireland. There's over 26,800 people per square mile. Think about how many freaking people that is. There are about 25,000 students at Indiana University, where I went to college. In NYC, that entire, huge campus would have to fit into ONE mile. Wowza.

We noticed how, even at 1am on a Sunday night, Grand Central Station was still full of people. The good news is, you're never alone. The bad news is, sometimes you want to be alone. And unless you make big bucks, you're going to have roommates. So I'm curious to know how/when New Yorkers can be alone. Or is being an anonymous face on the street enough for them? Do they just find a quiet spot in Central Park? I get stressed when I cannot be alone ever. This would be an issue for me if I lived in NYC.

9. I was amazed at how many people had dogs. And I saw people with big dogs, multiple dogs and old dogs. And it wasn't just a few dogs I saw. I saw LOT AND LOTS of dogs. French bulldogs were especially popular. As a dog owner, I can tell you, owning a dog requires a certain amount of personal sacrifice -- you have to drop what you're doing and go home to let the dog out. And in the city, you have to pick up the dog poop, too. Ick. Not my favorite job. So it's amazing to me how many NYers are willing to do this. Perhaps they live near where they work? I know they have dog walkers sometimes, but that is expensive. They can't all have dog walkers. But it's good to know there are lots of animal lovers in "The City" and that it wouldn't be out of the question to take Sammy & Toby with me if I went.

10. My other favorite thing about NYC was the architecture. I think this trip has actually given me the building bug-- I want to learn so much more about architecture now. It plays such a role in the history of an area. The "City that is so cool, they named it twice" had a huge population boom in the 19th century, so you can see a ton of buildings from that era everywhere you go. They generally look like this building--red brick, 5 stories, fire escapes, long narrow windows. But NYC has its fair share of new buildings, too, especially in lower Manhattan. I was surprised at the amount of new construction going on throughout the city. Imagine buildings as far as they eye can see, the vast majority of them being absolutely beautiful. Being the complete nerd that I am, I completely geeked out before going--watching a documentary history of the city, reading my travel guide cover to cover-- so that I'd know what I was looking at when we were walking around the city. As we walked around, every so often, I'd interject, "Hey, guys, did you know that's the such-and-such building? And that so-and-so built it because of blah blah? Yeah, it's the something-est building in the whole city!" and everyone would turn and look at me, with facial expressions that could only be saying, "Um. Ok, VB. Whatever."

Sometimes I'm amazed I have friends.

11. One of my least favorite things about the city was how dirty it was. I had no idea it would smell so bad or be quite so dirty. The airport (JFK) was filthy. The streets, like I said, were really gross at night. The stairwells were musty and dirty. The subway wasn't too bad, but it did make you want to bust out the hand sanitizer when you got off. I do think this is something I'd get used to. And having lots of little parks scattered all throughout the city really helps to break up the seemingly endless dirty, concrete blocks.

12. While New Yorkers are very nice, can be chatty and even helpful, they are the kind of people who you'd have to ask in order to get some assistance. You won't see people holding doors open for you. You won't see anyone giving up their subway seat for a pregnant woman. And if you're carrying something heavy, you won't get any help lugging it up or down stairs. This was kind of weird to me, as I don't think I've touched a doorknob in public in about 3 years. Ok, I'm exaggerating. But you know what I mean. I almost began to look around for the Southern Gentleman to fall from the sky and save the day.

Although I didn't much like it, I didn't take it personally. First of all, everyone is in a hurry. As a fast-paced walker myself, I can understand this. Secondly, there is an incredible amount of independence in New Yorkers, so they are the kind of people who expect you to carry your own weight. Third, in a city where you're surrounded by total strangers day in and day out, it can be dangerous to have interactions all the time. It's a good way to get mugged or duped by a con artist. It's safer to just mind your own business. So this is another thing that would take getting used to on my part.

13. Probably the most amazing thing about NYC is that it has everything. There is no shortage of cultures, activities, restaurants, neighborhoods, stores, events, interesting museums, crazy homeless people or delivery options. You want it? You got it. You could spend the rest of your life, just in Manhattan, experiencing something new every single day.

I never thought a city could ever possibly top Rome, Italy. But I think New York may have just reached the top of my list of Most Favorite Places.

Except for the whole no smoking thing. THAT got old.