What's Wrong with This Picture?

I know I don't talk about work a whole lot on here, because I don't want to get dooced.

But this was too good not to share. And I am providing no identifying characteristics of the library where I work.

I would like to preface this post with the following: I like my coworkers. The vast majority of them are very pleasant and nice people. The lady I mention in this post is one of the pleasant and nice ones. So I'm going to try and not make fun of her on here today, because she's always been nice to me. But we have been laughing about the following all afternoon, because she really had a "D'oh!" moment. Here goes.

Ok, when you go to any library, sometimes things are on hold at the desk. These are called "reserves". Reserve items cannot leave the library, but they can be checked out for in-library use. A couple days ago, we had a teacher come in and ask us to place a book on reserve here at our library. She had just bought it, it was very expensive and she didn't want the students to take it home -- that way, all her students could use it. So categorizing this book as a reserve book made sense. The book was brand-new and came with little supplement booklets, and they are all shrink-wrapped together.

Now, in order to check anything out to students, books and other things need to be entered into our computer system so that we can keep track of them. Even reserve items need to be entered into the computer system. During this process, each item receives its own unique barcode, which is scanned any time someone uses it. That way, when someone checks it out, we scan the little barcode, and the computer knows who has it, when it's due, etc.

Well, this coworker of mine ended up putting this new book on reserve. These photos show what it looked like when she was done. Anyone see anything wrong with this picture????

The little red sticker says "Library Use Only". Can you see what's wrong yet?
Ok, this picture really shows you where she stuck the label for the class, so we will know which book the students need. (Oh! I just realized that is my arm in the photo!) See any problems now?
Finally, here is the barcode that needs to be scanned any time someone checks it out.....are you seeing why we are giggling about this? Yeah. We're hoping that maybe she was just distracted when she was labeling the book.......tee hee.
Maybe the students can use osmosis to learn what's in the book? Or perhaps only psychic students can use it? Or Superman? I guess they could always just use it as a paperweight.

Anyway, I want to see what happens when she goes to check it out to someone. I want to see what the student says. And I really want to see what she says when they bring it back to her!

Have a good weekend everyone.

Uh Oh! Hot Dog Monkey on My Back!

Well, between working two jobs, dog sitting and living my life, my blog has been sorely neglected, and I apologize. And if I am not posting to my blog, that also means I am not reading your blog. So I apologize for that, too. When I get a minute, I will try to catch up with everyone.

Things have happened, but nothing really adds up to a full post. So I am here to give you the highlights:

1. My new part time job at Dildo's dept store is fine. I guess. I mean, it's retail. So you're pretty bored most of the time. But it's easy money. I have stuff to share (Ok, more like bitching to do), but I will get into that later.

2. Biggie, the dog I kept over the Memorial Day Week (yeah, it was almost a week, so that's what I'm calling it -- the dog was at my house for 5 days!), turned out to be.....a total asshole. He would start whining at FOUR in the morning and would not stop. My house is so small that moving his crate into the spare bedroom didn't work -- I could still hear him. So after the first sleepless night, I stayed at CN's house for the rest of the week.

Then, CN went to walk him and Sammy one night while I was at work. He called me:

CN: Hey babe. Just checking on the dogs for you. Um, where do you keep your band-aids?
VB: Why do you need band-aids?
CN: Well, cause I was throwing the ball with the dogs, and they sort of...got into a fight.
VB: What?! Are they ok?
CN: Yeah, I think. Biggie bit Sammy's ear. I think. One of them is bleeding. I'm pretty sure it's Sammy. Should I put a band-aid on it?

*exasperated sigh on my part*

VB: No, dogs don't wear band-aids, honey. Is Sammy ok?
CN: Yeah, he seems to be acting normal. Hey, babe, where do you keep your uh, carpet cleaner?
VB: *slightly panicky* Did they get blood on the carpet? Or on the rug my mom got me???!!

*CN tries to describe where the blood is, but I have no idea what he's talking about, because he's a boy and doesn't know the difference between the terms "rug" and "carpet" and "slipcovered sofa", and I didn't feel like teaching a home decorating vocabulary lesson, so I just told him to squirt some of the carpet cleaner on it*
*CN does as instructed.*

CN: Ok, um, what do I clean it up with?
*I tell him where the rags are and tell him where to put the dirty rag when he's done.*

CN: Ok, I did that.
*A commotion erupts in the background*

CN: Ok, um, Biggie just barfed.
VB: Oh God. Where?
CN: Right next to me. Oh Jeez, it's everywhere.
VB: *panicking again* Is it on the rug or the carpet? Or on the couch? Wait, forget I asked. Just clean it up.
CN: Oh! Wait! No big deal. He's licking it back up! Yeah! Good boy, Biggie!
*another exasperated sigh on my part*

Sammy's ear is fine, and there were no more Biggie problems (well, except the poop he left for me in the living room...but that was my own fault...) for the rest of the week. But I'm never sitting Biggie again. Ever. He is like having 5 dogs, all wrapped up in one tiny Jack Russell body. And my poor little head cannot handle his incessant barking. And my sleeping schedule cannot handle his whining. So my house is officially a No Biggie Zone. Please don't tell my friend Super. I sort of down-played all of his bad behavior.

3. I had a dream the other night that CN and I were down visiting his parents. He had mentioned that he wanted to meet up with someone named Heather, but I forgot about it when I was helping his parents prepare for the huge storm heading straight for their house. After the storm was over, CN was nowhere to be found, so I texted him to see where he was. "I'm playing poker with Heather at McAir's." -- McAir's was a bar. I can't remember what he said after that, but what it boiled down to was that he was hanging out with some girl named Heather and he wanted me to leave him alone. He blew me off! So I spent the rest of the dream crying and feeling hurt. When I woke up, it was difficult not to be angry at him, actually!

And no, there is no Heather in real life, unless you count my friend Mr. Bill's wife.

4. Speaking of CN's parents, they were in a pretty bad storm about 2 weeks ago. Their house was near a tornado that went through the area -- this is probably why I had that dream. Anyway, they don't know if they were hit by an actual tornado, but 4 windows in their house were blown out, as well as all the windows in their truck. The hail was so big, it left big divots in their yard and dents all over their truck! I think it messed up their roof, too. They are fine, but had to file some insurance claims.

5. I was in the dog house with CN last weekend. We wanted to grill out, but I had to go to work that night, so we planned on eating an early dinner at 3pm. Three came and went. I waited and waited and waited....and finally gave up and ate by myself. Little did I know, he was over at his house, grilling up a massive feast of food: chicken, tilapia, burgers, corn and hot dogs. He came over at about 5 to tell me the food was ready, and like a dumbass, I blurted out that I already ate and was running late for work, so I didn't have time to eat anything he had made. He was pissed. Oops. I apologized and explained that I wanted to eat at 3, not 5. He pointed out that I should have called to see what was going on. He was right. But then I pointed out that he was crazy for making all this food for just the two of us. He was upset but said he'd get over it. I went to work. By the time I got home later on, I was STARVED, so I came over and ate a bunch of it. That seemed to soothe his hurt feelings. I still feel terrible about it. He had been cooking all afternoon for me. Good thing I made him some cookies. I think that helped, too.

6. You all know how much of a total sugar addict I am. I mean, at this point, I think an intervention is in order. It is that bad. If you don't believe me, consider today's realization:

MJ is stuck at work, craving chocolate desperately. Unfortunately, she has no money for the vending machine. (Why none of her coworkers can bum her 50 cents is another issue, but whatever...) I told her that if she wants, she can come over to my house after work to have some of my chocolate. That's when I realized I have all of the following at my house right now:

chocolate ice cream (fat free)
chocolate pudding (sugar free and fat free)
Jell-O pudding pops (some are chocolate)
chocolate covered pretzels
chocolate Twizzlers (ok, actually, I polished those off last night...)
Nestle Qwik drink mix (sugar free)
Hershey's chocolate syrup
hot chocolate (diet)
chocolate chex mix
brownie mix
chocolate cake mix
chocolate frosting

I. AM. A. FREAK.

Jeez, I could open up a Chocolate Store with all that!!! And this isn't even including the non-chocolate sweets at my house. I have Jolly Ranchers, whip cream.....and maybe some animal crackers.

I think it's pretty safe to say that I have an addiction to the little white crystals, and I don't mean crack. I want to get off the white stuff, I swear! But I just can't do it! I know I would lose so much weight if I could just STOP the sweet tooth. Because I don't eat all that badly, outside of the sweets. But I just LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE sweets. *sigh*

So yeah, the monkey on my back? It's still there. Although I can now run 3 miles and knock out all kinds of weight lifting, my muscular under-bod is still encased in a squishy layer of blubberized sugar. And thanks to MJ, now I am specifically craving chocolate. *sigh*

6. And thanks to CN, who started joking with me today about the following video, I am now craving hot dogs, too.
Will Ferrell As Harry Carey

7. If the rain holds out, hopefully I will be able to get one at the baseball game tonight. A big group of us is planning on going. Since it's the season opener, the tix are half price, the beer is a buck and there are fireworks afterwards! YAY!!!

8. Speaking of funny hot dog videos, I can't forget to share this one. I love MadTV, and especially Bobby Lee. He cracks me up!

Juggling

Well, so far, adding the part time job to my schedule hasn't been TOO much of an adjustment. The main thing I have noticed is that I haven't really been watching a lot of tv or reading. Which is fine. Cooking and cleaning have also taken a back seat. I haven't been able to keep the sink free of dirty dishes or fix anything more complicated than a sandwich. Which isn't great, but it's not the end of the world (I'm kind of anal-retentive about the cleanliness of my kitchen).

And I have found that knowing I won't be able to go to the gym every day has made me REALLY motivated to exercise whenever I can. I was so excited to go for a run on Sunday that I almost didn't want to go home! CN, Sammy and I were at the park for almost 2 hours!

Thanks to my lighter-than-usual schedule at Dildo's this week, I won't have to work until Friday this week, so I can hit the gym today, tomorrow and Thursday morning! WOOT!

I am a little worried about how my new schedule will impact my social life. I did manage to meet up with MJ last Saturday for dinner. (If you are a former reader of her blog, you may be interested to know that MJ is now a redhead, and it looks fantastic!) MJ was seriously stressed. I think that having 5-6 dogs at her house at any given time for the last year has started to take its toll. Between the potty training accidents, the dog barf, the vet appointments and the stray dog who is now in heat, it has been a zoo at "Casa de MJ". And I thought I was feeling frazzled, with my messy house, aching feet and lack of sleep.

Then MJ mentioned that she had told our friend Super that she would dog sit for her over Memorial Day weekend. This would mean 7 dogs at MJ's house. Eek. Seeing how stressed MJ was, I decided to volunteer my services as dog sitter for Super.

So I will have Super's dog for the weekend. Actually, make that an almost-week, since Super will be gone from tomorrow to Monday night. But it's all ok. I will be working a lot, but I am totally free on Sunday and most of Monday, so I can hang out with the dogs then. Sammy and Super's dog, Biggie, are both well-socialized, high energy dogs, so they will definitely entertain themselves.

CN and I were going to take a day trip on Sunday or Monday, but I can't bear the thought of MJ stuck with SEVEN dogs and being all stressed out while I am frolicking in Charleston or Asheville with my boyfriend. So CN and I are going to take Sammy and Biggie to a local state park or something, where we can hike, take a walk, go for a run (or whatever) and have a picnic with the dogs. It should be pretty fun. The weather is supposed to be perfect -- sunny, low 80s. Ahhhhh.......this time of year is so great in SC.

Now as long as I can remember to pay my bills, fold my laundry, take my trash out on Friday morning and pick up a few things I forgot at the grocery store......I should be good. I think.

*Prays to God to thank Him for her excellent memory and natural organization abilities.*

And it's only a matter of time until I start up with Big Brothers Big Sisters -- they have called all my references, so they are just waiting on my background check to come through. Soon, I will have to squeeze in some time for a little sis, but I'm so excited about it, I will find room in my schedule without a care.

I was hoping that doing all this extra work would keep me away from food, and I could possibly lose some weight from the stress/exhaustion/simple lack of time to eat......but so far, this has yet to happen. Hmm...maybe in a couple of weeks, when all of this starts to catch up to me. For the first month at Dildo's, you don't work Sundays, so right now, that is my only day off from working. Soon, I will be working 2 Sundays per month, which means I will have NO days off on those weeks. Ugh. Oh well. I need to just do it and make the best out of it. It will all pay off in the long run.

So far, I am juggling all these balls pretty well. I am getting a decent amount of sleep and even managed to do some laundry. I have a new appreciation for working mothers, single mothers, people who work 3 jobs and people who work and go to school at the same time. I honestly have no idea how they do it! Major props to them!

Nightmare

Last night, I had what was one of the worst dreams of my life. I've had dreams where my parents die or where my dad was cheating on my mom. I've had dreams where my friends and family are upset, or that someone is harassing me. But last night, my dream played out more like a horror movie than a personal drama. It really freaked me out!!

MJ and I were trying to get to Philly to meet up with The Rat Pack. (This is the same group of 4 guys we hung out with on last year's NYC/Vermont trip. And we are trying to plan a trip to Philly next month, since two of The Rat Pack members live in Philly. So I'm assuming this is what my subconscious was thinking about when I had this dream.)

In the dream, for some reason, MJ and I didn't have access to our credit cards. We were stuck with just whatever cash we had on us. And it made more financial sense for us to take a Greyhound bus to Philly, rather than drive in MJ's car. So we got on the bus, where we were joined by KT and a couple members of The Rat Pack. (This makes no sense, because MJ and I are the only ones who do not live in New England, but what do you expect? This is a dream, after all.)

By the time the bus stops, we are exhausted. I don't know where we are, but it is a city of some kind. We don't go to a hotel. Instead, we go to a boarding house because it was cheaper. (Do boarding houses even exist anymore??) It may have been a hostel....I can't remember. We are still limited to whatever cash we have, at this point, so I think we were looking for somewhere to crash so we could figure out how to get to Philly the next day.

This hostel/boarding house was an old, early 20th century home. It was a late Victorian style, so it had a big front porch, huge front staircase, wide hallways, tall ceilings, big windows and large rooms. The boarding house was owned and operated by an elderly couple who creeped me out. Of course, even more disturbing, no one else thought they were creepy.

So we are all so broke that we can only afford to rent one very large bedroom upstairs. There are at least 5 of us. We take our suitcases up the big, main staircase to go find our room. I notice that the wallpaper in the house looks to be original, because it is water-damaged, faded and peeling. In fact, everything in the house looked original, from the carpet to the furniture to the doorknobs. Everything was a sort of beige or rose color. With dark wood paneling. It was kind of creepy. And quiet. Very, very quiet.

At the top of the staircase, there is a big hallway. Our room is at the end of the hall. Here's the really creepy part: on the floor of the hallway, in front of each closed bedroom door, there was a baby doll head. Each one had a different facial expression, and they all faced the door nearest to them. Some dolls were smiling, others were angry or terrified. They were all creepy. I mean, someone had obviously ripped the heads off of baby dolls and set them down like this in the hallway! And who's ever heard of a baby doll with angry or scared facial expressions???! I told my friends this place was creepy and I didn't want to stay. They thought I was nuts.

Again, I am the only person who seemed to have a problem with the creepiness. Great.

Our room had several beds, and everyone was so tired that they went to bed immediately. They didn't brush their teeth or even get into pajamas. They just crashed. Meanwhile, I cannot sleep for shit because I'm still thinking about the creepy baby heads in the hallway.

To make it even spookier, we are the only tenants in the place. It's eerily quiet and empty. Just us and the baby doll heads.

When we paid for our room, I had noticed there was a sign by the desk saying that meals were served at certain times. So I decided that I would go back down to the desk to see if it was time to eat yet. I couldn't bear to be near those baby heads anymore. I woke up my friend to tell him where I was going, tip-toed down the hallway, trying not to touch the baby doll heads (which moved on their own to turn and look at me with their varying facial expressions as I passed by!!!).

I made my way to the front desk downstairs, and asked if dinner was served yet. The wife told me that there was still an hour before it would be served. So I decided to make my way back upstairs to try and get my friends to leave this creepy place.

Then, something-- I can't remember what, maybe it was a little voice in my head-- tells me what is going on: the husband and wife who run the place are actually serial killers who are trying to make us their next victims!!!! I am totally freaked out by this realization, obviously. Then the little voice in my head tells me that depending on the expression of your room's baby doll head, you will know if the elderly couple likes you enough to let you live.

Yeah. At this point, even my dream self is like, "Dude, this is f**ked up. Get the hell outta here!!"

So now I need to know which expression our room's baby doll head has. I am back upstairs, walking slowly down the hallway. I know which rooms have dead bodies in them, because the baby doll heads have angry or scared looks on their faces. And of course, the baby doll heads are watching me again. Which is just freaking fantastic.

Sure enough, our room now has its own baby doll head. It had appeared while I had been downstairs!!! I didn't look at its expression -- at this point, I didn't care. We were all checking out right now, no questions asked. I wake everyone up and freak them out enough (I believe I was crying and screaming) to convince them that we need to leave -- NOW. I think they only agreed so that I would shut up and they could finally get some sleep!

We pack up all our stuff and head back down the main staircase. As we are waiting at the bottom of the stairs to check out (why we are taking the time to do this, I don't know), the old man flies down the stairs, holding a knife (or maybe it was a gun?) , trying to stop us from leaving, even if it means he has to kill us!!! We all scream and try to escape. The next thing I know, a large piece of wood falls off of the upstairs banister and impales the old man before he can hurt us! WHAM! It goes right through his torso, killing him instantly.

We must have either ignored or fought off the old lady, because I remember she was protesting our escape, too. We ran out of the house and down the street. That's when I realized we had been in Philly the whole time.

Ugh. No more Jersey Mike's before bedtime.

Ouch, My Brain Hurts

1. I have had to stop and think about which day of the week it is about 5 times today. Wednesday? Friday? Who knows? I think this is because I have done a bunch of random, non-routine things this week. It's throwing me off.

2. One of those things is that I started my new part-time job at a department store I will refer to as Dildo's. I spent 2 hours folding clothes last night. It was like cleaning my room. Only more anal-retentive. I spent the other 2 hours bored out of my gourd. Ugh. I forgot how much retail sucks. It's all coming back to me now.

3. ...and now I have that stupid Meatloaf song in my head. "There were nights when the wind was so cold...." Dammit. Oh well. Hey, I'm $40 richer today than yesterday. That will buy one tank of gas. Approximately.

4. Boston cream pie yogurt sounds good......in theory.

5. So does trying to work out with my trainer on an empty stomach.

6. So do shrimp enchiladas.

7. I am a little concerned about the fact that I am having MAJOR CN withdrawls, when it's only been 48 hours since I saw him last. Like, I am almost in tears. WTF?? That is just not normal. I'm not even hormonal or anything. I'm just like, "I want my boyfriend!!!" (Don't tell him I said that if you know him IRL. Or I will kill you.)

8. I have probably gained 5 pounds this week. I have eaten: 4 pieces of pizza, 2 pieces of cheesecake, ice cream and 3 pieces of chocolate cake. FUCK. Why can't I say no to work parties??

9. Oh yeah. Because I don't want to be that girl. The girl in the office who is too health conscious not to join in on the work party. I hate that girl. She eats a salad and drinks water and watches everyone else laugh and eat cake. She is not fun. No one likes her.

10. Work is stressing me the fuck out this week. Between the Big Pain in My Ass Project, end-of-the-fiscal year crap and a serious lack of training, I am annoyed and overwhelmed. Argh.

11. I really need to go for a run at the gym tonight. A nice, long run. (See #8 and #10) Running makes everything better. It is the best solution to feeling overwhelmed.

12. Now that I have a part time job, I am feeling like maybe I have bitten off more than I can chew in the scheduling department. CN is making jokes about how we will never see each other again. But I'm looking at my calendar, and between my real job, my part time job, the gym, my friends, sleeping, and just regular errand-running and living.......crap. When are we going to hang out?? I am starting to get the feeling that soon I will feel I'm stretched too thin. Ugh. Why do I do this to myself?? In 2 months, I will have a sobbing breakdown. Either that, or no clean underwear.

13. Wal-Mart was out of my usual deodorant last week. So today, I am wearing a new one. Isn't it funny how you get used to your deodorant smell, and you don't even smell it anymore? Because all I can smell now is the new one. And I'm all, "What's that smell? Oh yeah." -- I have done it about 20 times today. It smells good, but it's throwing me off.

14. You know you're tired when Tetris seems like astro-physics. I think my top score today was like 3000. It's normally about 17,000. I think a post-work nap is in order.

15. MJ wants to go to Philly in June to see KT and The Rat Pack. This involves a 10 hour road trip. I am not a big fan of any road trip over 7 hours. I only have one vacation day left, and the trip is a 4 day weekend. My part time job is probably not going to let me have that weekend AND the next weekend off. (Going home to see The Czarina the weekend after.) Luckily, I do have the money go to to Philly. Otherwise, getting it all squared away is adding to my Life Stress. And CN is having a hard time understanding why I want to drive 10 hours to go hang out with 4 guys I barely know. "Because they are fun and we do this every year" doesn't cut it as an answer, apparently. Neither does "Do you want to go with us?". He's fine with me going, I just think he's a little confused. He's been making jokes about going to Vegas to hang out with chicks he barely knows. Har har.

Ok, time to go home. Hopefully, when I run tonight, I will get that song out of my head. I friggin hate Meatloaf.

Sorry for the random post today, guys. My brain is kind of disorganized right now. This means soon, I will forget something really important. Great.

Smurf Goes to Prom

In case you are wondering where I've been lately, I can give you a quick explanation:

I have had a terrible cold, which is still lingering. *cough* *sniff*
I have been in interviews for the PT Clinique job (I start tomorrow).
We had inventory at work. Thousands of books needed to be scanned. :\
I have been doing a bunch of regular, un-blog-worthy things (Sadly, my life is not always as titillating as I wish!).

So in short, you haven't been missing anything.

However, my little sister, Smurf, is having a very eventful spring! Not only did she get her driver's license (if you live in Virginia, watch out, because the girl cannot drive AT ALL!!!) but she went to prom with a senior -- which really impressed me, since I was so socially awkward in high school, I was grateful to be invited at all, by anyone. She is only a sophomore, which proves that my little sister is WAY cooler than I ever was at her age. Apparently, the senior has a crush on her, but she only likes him "as a friend". Which is probably a good thing, because the last time she filled me in on her love life, she had 3 guys (!!!) calling her.

I don't think I've ever had three guys calling me in my LIFE.

So I am relieved that high school isn't nearly as painful for her as it was for me. And I'm pretty proud, not only of her social abilities, but also her excellent grades (AP classes!) and her athletic talents (she currently plays softball, basketball AND volleyball -- WOW). She even plays the flute in her school's marching band. I don't know when she sleeps!

Thanks for letting me brag. Now, here's some prom pics of my little sister Smurf.

The obligatory hair-do, complete with 18 gallons of hairspray, I'm sure. And I would like to add that she was lucky enough to inherit The Czarina's extremely thick and shiny hair, whereas I got WLF's thin and fine hair. And did I mention that this girl NEVER gets zits?? Yeah. And can you tell how long her legs are? She is 5' 9". I am 5' 5". She's got legs for days. It's just not fair!!!

Is it just me, or is that corsage gigantic?? And I think her prom date is the same height she is!

I love her dress. And check out her adorable dimples!!

Ok, maybe she should pull her dress up a little bit....(oops, that's the overprotective Big Sis coming out!)

Having fun at prom with her date!


She said the after-prom stuff was held in the gym at her school, which is where this pic was taken. Apparently, it was super fun, because she didn't come home until 4am!!! The girl on the right is her best friend. I don't know who the girl on the left is. With a social butterfly for a little sis, sometimes it's hard to keep up!

Just to illustrate how vastly different my prom experiences were, let's do a quick reflection of VB's proms:

Junior year (1996): Considering my senior boyfriend dumped me right before everyone started finding dates (Gee, thanks, Scott. Great timing.), I was kind of S.O. L. and so had to pray to the prom gods to be asked at all. I ended up being asked by some guy in my math class. Until he asked me, I literally did not know he existed. (Isn't that terrible?? I don't even remember his name. Chris, maybe?? In my defense, my high school was HUGE and I was extremely shy. So it's not like I was too cool to know who anyone was. I was just clueless.) We went with his friends to dinner. I didn't know them, either. I don't remember having too good of a time, although I was glad he didn't try to kiss me, because that would have been awkward at best. I do remember liking my dress (it was short and bubblegum pink) and my hair -- The Czarina was a hairdresser in a past life, I swear. The woman has got some wicked hot roller skillz. Anyway, I had this whole 1960s girl group vibe going on. Very Dreamgirl-ish.

Senior year (1997): Again, there was no convenient boyfriend to be my automatic prom date (see a pattern??). So I was stuck crossing my fingers and again praying to the prom gods again. My best friend was in the same boat I was in. So was our guy pal, Josh. So the three of us went together! We ended up having a blast. My girlfriend wore a champagne satin dress; I wore a long, fitted, black dress trimmed with rhinestones. He got us matching red rose corsages. We got him two boutonnieres -- one for each lapel. And arm-in-arm-in-arm, we went to prom! Josh took turns dancing with us, and we ended up having so much fun. Josh told me later that he felt like a pimp all night, walking around with TWO prom dates. I can't remember where we ate or what we did that was so fun, but I do remember having a really good time and laughing a lot.

Now, Josh is engaged. And my girlfriend just got married last fall. I am now praying to the marriage gods. LOL some things never change....

Anyway, what was your prom like? Did you have fun? What do you remember? If you are a female reader, I want you to describe your dress to me!

Tales from the Clinique Counter

To pay off my gi-normous credit card debt, I am going to get a part time job.

Yesterday, as CN and I were running some errands, I decided to stop by the department store at the mall to see if there were any openings at the Clinique counter. When I was in grad school, I used to be a Clinique girl, and it wasn't too bad, as far as part time jobs are concerned.

Pros:
*tons of free makeup and perfume -- TONS
*you don't come home smelling like food
*if you are going out afterwards, it's easy to touch up your makeup before you go
*since the mall closes at 9, it's still early enough to meet up with friends afterwards
*you won't get blisters on your feet, cuts on your fingers, or mysterious goo on your body (can you tell I waited tables for a looooonnng time??)
* if you are on the clock, you are getting paid

Cons:
*you work 3 weekends a month
*you have to deal with the public
*you are not paid in cash
*department store managers tend to be...not the best bosses I've had in my life (more on this later)
*you will never make more than your base pay while you are on the clock (I am expecting to make $10/hour)

So I walked up to the lady at the Clinique counter (who may or may not technically be a midget, btw, as unusual as that sounds) and asked her about it. She seemed really excited about my inquiry and called over the head Clinique girl. She was even MORE excited than the almost-midget lady.

It turns out that they needed a PT person. And since I am already experienced in Clinique AND a former employee of the same chain of department stores, they all but guaranteed me the spot. I'm probably still in their system, actually, which will cut down on all that new employee paperwork! WOOT!

If I work 15 hours per week, I should make $600/month (before taxes). This will help out SO MUCH, considering I'm already putting about $300/month towards my credit card debt already. Yay!

And although I'm excited about the free makeup, I am dreading the downside: working with the public. Don't get me wrong -- the vast majority of people who come in are great. They are nice, easy to deal with and well-groomed. (See where I am going with this?)

But some of the people....well, I think some Tales from the Clinique Counter can explain this well:

1. One day, a totally drunk lady was roaming around the makeup area. On a Sunday. At noon. She was so plastered, I think the store called the police to have her escorted out. But that was after she verbally harassed half the cosmetics staff. And knocked over a bunch of stuff.

2. Some people who want makeovers surprise me, because they are kind of putting the carriage before the horse. Let's see. How do I put this? Um, if your unibrow weighs 4 pounds, or if you have acne that makes a pizza look like a clear complexion, or if you have a hairy chest*, you should deal with those issues before getting a makeover. Same can be said for body odor, chin hair and missing teeth (hey, I live in SC, remember). I know I sound snooty right now, but seriously, would YOU want to put makeup on a woman's hairy chest?? (Yeah, she wanted to see if we could "cover it up". It's like, "No, lady! We can't!") It's so crazy to me that these women will look in the mirror and think, "Yes, that's what I need. A new lipstick." WTF?!

3. Then there are the people who try to take advantage of the generous return policy. One girl came in 10 minutes before closing (WHY do these people always come in right before closing??) with a huge bag of stuff. I think it was over $200 worth of Clinique stuff. She wanted to return everything. Normally, this is no problem at all. But this girl was returning EMPTY containers she had originally bought a YEAR previously. (Even more incredulous was that she actually still had the receipt!) Because of the extreme absurdity of her return request (I believe I said, "Um, are you kidding me?"), I decided to consult a manager before approving it. But it turned out that we couldn't really say no to her -- she was technically within the limits of the return policy. She got all her money returned onto her credit card. Then, she stormed off in a huff because we couldn't return the money to her in cash!

4. Another lady used to take advantage of the neighboring Lancome counter. She would buy expensive perfumes and body lotions, only to take them home, use about half of the product, fill the bottle back up with water or cheap lotion, and exchange the items for brand new ones. Since they were "like new" to all outward appearances, no one caught on. They thought she just wanted to try a different perfume or lotion, or that she had purchased the wrong one by accident. She did this about 3 times before anyone caught on. After that, she wasn't allowed to make returns anymore!

5. Then, there were The Minivers. I can't remember what their last name was, but it sounds like Miniver. This was an elderly couple, who on first inspection, seem like your regular, cute grandparent-like couple. But don't let them fool you -- they will CAMP OUT at your makeup counter, making you demonstrate every single freaking product you sell. These are the same products you demonstrated to them the last time they came in, by the way. After each application on Mrs. Miniver, she and Mr. Miniver would discuss how it looked on her. This would take about 15 minutes per discussion. You will sit there and wonder why in the hell an 80 year old man gives a rat's ass which shade of eyeshadow looks better on his wife of 56 years. After they decide which products they will buy, they will end up spending about $300. But wait! Don't get too excited about that big sale, even if your manager does pat you on the back! Mrs. Miniver will arrive bright and early tomorrow morning to return everything she bought the day before. And then someone else will have to go through the whole thing again with her.

Imagine my excitement when I quit the Clinique job to take on a full time position at the public library.........only to discover that Mr. and Mrs. Miniver used that library. And drove everyone nuts there, too. There was about a 3 year period where I couldn't escape the Minivers!

Those are the main crazy makeup counter stories. If I think of more, I will share. And all apologies to any female readers with hairy chests. :)



*I wish I was making this up, but I'm not. Yes, the woman had a hairy chest. Like a man. And she decided to wear a low-cut top. It was a scary moment. One of the few times in my life I've literally been speechless. "Distracting" doesn't even begin to cover it.

The Big Little Interview

Thanks to a scheduling change, I went to my interview for Big Brothers Big Sisters yesterday, instead of at the end of the month. This was really great, because now I can get matched up with a "Little" a lot faster.

I really like the girl who is in charge of interviewing new "Bigs". She's about my age and seems really cool. I would like to go grab coffee with her, actually. I am wondering if she can hang out with Bigs outside of the program or not...it's hard to find new girlfriends, you know? Now I'm getting off-track. Shocker, I know. Anyway.

So the interview takes about 2 hours, because they have to ask you all sorts of questions about your family, your past, your use of drugs/alcohol, whether or not you own guns, your pets, your living situation, your sexuality, what you hope to get out of volunteering for them, what kind of a "Little" you want, etc.

It was all going well, until I embarrassed the crap out of myself.

Interviewer: So, tell me what kinds of activities you'd do at your house when your Little comes over.

VB: Ooh! I made a list, but I left it on my desk at work. Let's see....cooking, baking, reading -- I like to read books to kids -- coloring, playing with my dog, I could help them with their homework, board games, we could play cards, arts and crafts...we could watch movies together. *I paused, thinking for a second* Actually, now that I think about it, all my DVDs are mostly adult movies, so that might not be a good idea....I MEAN!!! OMG!! No, not that kind of adult movie! I meant like, you know, PG-13 or R rated movies!! OMG!! *I turn beet red and look at my lap*

Interviewer: *laughing at me* No, it's ok. I know what you mean.

VB: Because just for the record, I don't have ANY movies like that at my house! None! Zero! And even if I did, they are NOT appropriate for children!

Anyway, I was so mortified that I said that, I was fidgety and nervous for the rest of the interview! Ugh. *rolls eyes*

I think I made up for it later on in the interview, though:

Interviewer: If you were to look back on your experience volunteering for us, years from now, what would you hope you had accomplished in the life of your Little?

VB: I would hope that I showed her how to be more confident, to believe in herself, to reach for her goals......and to think for herself. To be an independent and confident girl. That's what I would hope to do.

Interviewer: Wow! I don't think anyone has ever said that to me! Usually people just say that they hope their Little had fun. And that's about it. I am so glad you feel like that!

(YESSS! Go me!)

It's pretty hard to answer all of these questions without emptying your closet of some skeletons. They ask you about drug use, sex, family issues, any abuse you've had, how you deal with personal problems, etc. I confessed to smoking pot a few times in college. I told her about the deaths in my family (I tried hard not to cry, but I needed a kleenex!) and all the alcoholism in my family. All the stuff like that. Luckily, I don't have any major skeletons, so it wasn't too bad-- I'm a pretty open person, as I'm sure you all know. Just kind of strange to sit down and tell a total stranger everything that's personal about you, from childhood up to today. All in one go. Face to face.

At the time, it didn't feel weird, but when I left and got back in my car, I thought, "OMG! I just told that girl EVERYTHING AT ONCE." And I felt kind of vulnerable. And freakish.

For about 10 minutes. Then, I got over it. (This is so typically me! I don't think I have ever truly regretted being an open book!)

The whole interview went really well, and she told me that she really liked my attitude and thought I had very realistic expectations for the relationship I would build with my "Little". She also liked all the experience I've had hanging out with kids of various ages. Between being a former middle/high school teacher and reading stories to kids as young as 2 at the library, I have experience hanging out with kids of all ages, and I don't really have a preference for any particular age group. She said I'd be easy to match up with a Little. YESSSS!!!!

She told me what her "typical" Littles were like. A lot of them are from single-mother homes, in kind of bad neighborhoods. The mothers don't let their kids outside the house, because there's so much crime and gang activity. So these poor kids are cooped up inside all the time, watching tv. They just need an outlet. A way to escape that. She said a lot of kids have been in homes where there was domestic violence in the past, or even drug use. But the families are not allowed to enter the program if there is currently any evidence of violence, crime, drug abuse or abuse going on in the home. (So I don't have to worry about my safety, which is good.)

She told me some REALLY sad stories about some of her tough cases. I think she was trying to gauge how well I could handle kids like that. One girl has dealt with every single kind of abuse under the sun, courtesy of her own father, and she's doing drugs and alcohol, and her mother is enabling her and she is cutting herself. WOW. Another family is dealing with the fact that the father is on death row. Another girl has been dealing with sexual identity issues, and she just found out she's pregnant. WOW.

But these are extreme and rare cases. Most of the kids are in a situation where the parents want their kids to have an outlet that is safe and fun, so that they don't get into trouble. Most of the kids come from happy, single-parent homes, where the mother works a LOT.

I told the interviewer that I didn't know if I could handle the extreme stuff or not. Maybe I can, maybe I can't, I honestly don't know, because I have no experience with that type of stuff. This isn't the answer she wanted to hear, I'm sure, but I honestly don't know if I would know what to do in those situations. I told her I'd want to have some kind of training/debriefing for that. And that I'd probably just start crying and tell the kid they can come live at my house! LOL

I told her that I have been casually encouraging CN to volunteer for them, too. Most of the kids who come to BBBS are boys, because their single mothers want them to have a good male role model in their lives. She seemed to appreciate that I've been trying to recruit Big Brothers! And if any of my male readers are interested in volunteering for their local BBBS, I'm sure it would be appreciated!!! Hint hint!!

So that's it for now. It will take at least a month until she can begin matching me up with anyone. They do two background checks on me, so it takes a while. But I am so excited!!! I can't wait!!!

CN and the Doctors

On Saturday afternoon, I made strawberry shortcake for CN. He loved it.

But after he ate, he said he didn't feel well. After some jokes about how I am poisoning him and/or not washing the strawberries, he decided to lie down. I joined him, because I didn't feel well either (little did I know, I was hours away from getting a migraine, and this was my body trying to warn me). Besides, my calves were killing me, thanks to my trainer's brilliant idea that I do 150 calf raises AND 30 pound lifts (45 times) on the calf weight machine at the gym. I would spend the weekend trying to stretch out my calves, only to end up hobbling around on my tippy toes, like some geriatric Barbie doll.

After our nap, I felt a little better, but CN felt worse -- much worse. He had nausea, dizziness, bloating, lower back pain, chills and....let's just say that "things" weren't "moving along". So I spent the evening taking care of him. I felt helpless, because nothing I did seemed to make him feel much better. I tried to stay up late with him -- he was in so much pain that he couldn't sleep -- but I konked out around 11pm. "Wake me up if you need anything," I said drowsily. I suck at being a night owl.

This pattern went on through Saturday night, all day Sunday and all day Monday. CN would eat, feel terrible, lie down, writhe in pain all night, then wake up feeling slightly better in the morning. And he had to go to extreme measures to get things "going", if you know what I mean.

To make things even worse, I woke up with a mild migraine on Sunday, so I was feeling pretty miserable, too. Thanks to a lot of caffeine, I managed to keep most of the pain at bay. So we went to Wal-Mart. But that was it! By the time we left, both of us were feeling worse. We laid around in bed for the rest of the day, feeling like crap!

"Wow, we are one exciting couple," he said.

On Monday morning, CN went to go see Dr. Quack. I call him Dr. Quack because when CN went to him last year, complaining of um....something really gross that can be a sign of something REALLY bad, he told CN to "just cut back on alcohol".

WTF?? A young, otherwise healthy man comes to you, complaining of unexplained bleeding, and you tell him to cut back on beer??! ARG!

"I really wish you wouldn't go see him again," I said. "He's a quack!"

"Well, I already made the appointment," he replied.

CN comes back from the doctor and calls me at work. "Ok, Dr. Quack says I have a kidney infection."

"But you have been complaining about gastro-intestinal issues," I replied, confused.

"Yeah, I know. But he tested my pee, and it came back infected. So I'm on antibiotics."

I remembered his lower back pain -- it must have been in his kidneys. That kind of made sense. I asked him if Dr. Quack said anything else about his other symptoms.

"Yeah, I told him about the dizziness, and he said I probably have congested sinuses, so he told me to go buy some Mucinex," CN replied.

"Do you have congestion?" I asked.

"No," CN answered. "But I bought some anyway. Just took the first dose."

Who the hell is this doctor?? I thought to myself. And why is my normally intelligent boyfriend just accepting everything he is saying as gospel?? Doesn't he see that this doc is a moron?? Apparently, I am going to have to just do all this for CN, because he cannot be trusted to be in charge of his own health. This is so ridiculous.

That's when I recognized this particular Voice in My Head: It was the worst voice of all. It was the voice of The Czarina. I was turning into my mother before my very eyes. As terrifying as it was, I couldn't stop it. It was like a ventriloquist had taken over my body. I was the dummy on her lap, saying whatever she would say.

"Ok, well, I will come check on you when I get home today," I replied. [Czarina Voice Translation: When I come over today after work, I am going to make you go see a real doctor who gives logical answers, because I am pretty sure this doctor got his MD from the back of a cereal box.]

By the time I got home, he was feeling a lot better, but he hadn't really eaten anything that day, so we went to grab some BBQ. As soon as he finished eating, he felt terrible again. Seeing the pattern of eating --> illness, I tell him I really think he should go to see a gastroenterologist. I was worried he might have IBS, diverticulitis or an intestinal blockage -- or worse.

We go home, and he's now really uncomfortable and lying on the couch. "We might need to go to the emergency room," he said. I explained (ok, Czarina's Voice explained) to him that if we go to the emergency room, they will put him at the bottom of the list because he's not bleeding to death and he doesn't have any heart/lung issues. Then, once they get around to seeing us at 4am, they will probably tell us to pop some vicodin and call your regular doctor in the morning.

He agreed and decided to stay put for the time being. He took some tylenol for the pain. To make him feel better, I stayed at his house in case he needed anything.

He felt ok yesterday morning -- not great, but ok. I went to work and came to check on him at lunch. It was time to visit a REAL doctor. One who didn't prescribe medicines for non-existent symptoms.

"But I've already been to the doctor," he whined.

"My coworkers recommend Dr. B," I said, ignoring him. He was going to the doctor whether he liked it or not. [Czarina was in full swing now.]

"Shouldn't we wait until the antibiotics really kick in? I mean, I'm fine! This is no big deal!" he said.

That's when I lost it. I gave CN a tear-filled lecture about how worried I was and how he's got to go to the doctor, if only so that I can stop worrying. I listed off all the reasons I wasn't happy with Dr. Quack and told him a bunch of scary stories I had heard about unresolved gastro-intestinal issues. After about 20 minutes of nagging, lecturing, guilt-tripping and begging, he finally caved in and agreed to call.

Dr. B couldn't see him for 2 days.

"Ok, yeah, Friday is ok, then," CN said into the phone.

"No, it's NOT!!" I hissed. "You need to see someone TODAY!!"

We called the doctor recommended to us by Dr. B's receptionist.

"Tomorrow morning at 9? Sure, that would be ok," CN said into the phone.

By this point, I was ready to grab the phone away from him and do it myself. What is it with men and doctors??!!

"Does he specialize in gastroenterology? Ask her if he specializes in gastro-intestinal issues," I asked. CN asked receptionist #2.

"No, he doesn't," CN told me. He went back to talking to receptionist #2.

"My chief complaint? Uh...I don't feel good. Just, ya know, in pain, in my back, mostly," he said.

"No!! You are having severe abdominal pain and nothing is making it better and you need to see someone TODAY!" I practically yelled. I was hovering over him by this point, like a helicopter.

CN made the appointment for the next morning at 9am. He got off the phone.

"Ok, we are calling a gastroenterologist this time," I said.

"But I just made an appointment with a family doctor for tomorrow," he said, confused.

"Yes, I realize this, but you need a gastroenterologist TODAY. Tomorrow isn't good enough. If you don't take health problems seriously, they will turn into serious health problems," I said. I gave him the number I had looked up in the phone book. He called and made an appointment for 2:30 that afternoon.

I took off the rest of the afternoon so that I could go with him.

"This really isn't necessary," CN said, as I made a list of all his symptoms and all the foods he had eaten in the past 48 hours. "I'm a big boy. I can go to the doctor by myself."

"Oh yeah? You can? What happened last time?" I asked.

"He told me I was congested. And I'm not," he mumbled.

"What else?" I asked, shrewishly. I was on a roll, now. This was Classic Czarina, spewing from my mouth. My hands may have even been on my hips.

"And I forgot to tell the doctor all of my symptoms. Or ask questions," he mumbled again.

"I'm going to the doctor's appointment with you, even if they make me sit in the waiting room the whole time." I announced, one eyebrow raised. "Besides, look at you. You're in so much pain, you can't even sit up straight. You can't drive like this."

We went to the doctor, complete with the list of symptoms I had written and all his medicines, including the over the counter stuff. They let me go into the exam room with CN.

The doctor comes in, and we tell him everything. I make CN show him the list I made.

The doctor tells us that sometimes, when someone gets any kind of infection, it can mess with your gastro-intestinal tract. So it was probably the kidney infection causing the gastro-intestinal problems. The doctor asked CN some questions, just to rule out anything serious. CN was fine. Just a little backed up, was all. (Finally! Some answers!!)

"So what's up with the Mucinex?" I asked.

The doctor turned to CN. "Are you congested?" he asked.

"No," said CN.

"Hmmm....I bet Dr. Quack meant to write down 'Miralax', an OTC laxative, but he wrote down 'Mucinex' by mistake. So stop taking the Mucinex if you don't have congestion. Let's get you some Miralax instead, ok? You can get it at drugstores or grocery stores. It's over the counter," he said.

Oh my gawd. You have got to be kidding me, I thought. Jeez Louise. If CN was allowed to do what he wanted, he'd be dead or buying snake oil from some infomercial. I am just going to have to run this show from now on.

"Tell him about your prostate!!" I whispered to CN. CN has an enlarged prostate. It is hereditary in his family. His dad has prostate cancer right now, in fact, which is something you are at a high risk for if you have an enlarged prostate.

CN tells him all about the prostate issues.

"Ok, so let me get this straight. You have a urinary/kidney infection and an enlarged prostate?" asked the doctor.

"Yes," said CN.

"Well, what does your urologist say?" he continued.

"Um, I have never been to a urologist. Dr. Quack just told me to take saw palmetto, that herbal supplement that is supposed to help," CN explained.

You could have knocked the doctor over with a feather! He was visibly shocked. "You mean to tell me that you have prostate cancer in your immediate family, a history of enlarged prostate symptoms AND a urinary/kidney tract infection and you haven't been to a urologist??!" he exclaimed.

Thank you, you genius doctor, I thought. I have been telling him to go to a urologist for months.

"Um. No." CN mumbled.

"I'm referring you to one right away. You really don't need me, you need a urologist," he said.

We made the appointment at the urologist's, paid the bill and drove home.

"Thanks for coming with me, babe," CN said.

"You're welcome. Sorry I had to get all Czarina on your ass, but I was worried sick and you acted like you weren't concerned, and I got scared, which brings out my inner control freak," I said.

"No, I'm glad you did. It shows you care. I was kind of scared that there was something really wrong with me, and I didn't want to deal with it. Thanks for making me talk to a good doctor. I feel a lot better," he said.

"So I wasn't totally obnoxious?" I asked.

"No! You were great. I really appreciate it...Czarina."

"Shut up. Don't call me that ever again," I mumbled.

Bahamas Pics

Hello, dear readers. You have all been waiting patiently for my vacation photos. *crickets chirp* I'm sorry it has taken me this long to get them up, but I have good excuses!!! Look:

Sammy didn't stop barfing until Sunday. I had no paper towels, clean rags or carpet cleaner left by the time it was over. Ugh.

I had a migraine all day Sunday. And my trainer KILLED my calves at the gym on Friday night. My calves STILL hurt today. But it's much better than the last three days, where my calves have been so tight that I have had to hobble around like some kind of geriatric Barbie doll. People were staring at me, actually, I was walking so awkwardly.

CN has been having MAJOR gastro-intestinal issues since Saturday evening, and I have been worried sick about him. We are going to the doctor as soon as I post this, actually. We almost went to the emergency room last night, because he was in so much pain. He's not in too much pain right now, but let's just say that something just isn't right with him, and I'm getting really concerned. I don't want to go into the gory details, but there's a laundry list of issues he's having right now. Remind me to tell you about Dr. Quack. (That might be tomorrow's post.)

Alright, on to the pics. Maybe some of you still care to see them?? I dunno.

Can you see the "fever" of stingrays in the water? Yes, that is the correct term for a group of stingrays. I looked it up. Of course. They were kind of creepy, the way they "flew" underwater.
This is the view from the ferry we took to the island with the stingrays. This is some big resort in Nassau.
This is some government building in Nassau. It's really old, and I love that it's pink -- so Caribbean, no? It's hard to see, but the seal of The Bahamas, there on the portico, has a blue marlin and a pink flamingo on it. I thought that was so cool. Very exotic.
This is a shot of the beach area where we swam after we finished swimming with stingrays. Isn't the water beautiful?? Even with the rain clouds overhead, it's still gorgeous.
This shot is just to the left of the last photo. The yellow hut is the first aid stand, I think.
This was the view from deck when we pulled into Freeport the day before. (Yeah, these are out of order. Sorry!) That wall you see jutting out into the water is where the boat parallel parked! Can you imagine parallel parking a cruise ship??
CN's feet are pale. Mine have long toes. Freaky feet!! This was on the ferry as we went to go swim with stingrays.
This is what the deeper water looked like in the Caribbean. So pretty.
I got a good close-up shot of a stingray!

I know these are not the best photos ever. I'm just not artsy like that. And most of my pics (obviously) include me or CN. Since I am trying to cling to what little shred of anonymity I have on here, I am not sharing them. Besides, I don't want to put up pics of CN without his permission. So if you are wondering what I look like, just imagine....I look like Jessica Simpson. Or Scarlett Johanssen. Yeah. I'm the spitting image.

Ok, I'm off to take CN to the doctor. Yes, he needs a chaperone, trust me. *groan* More on that tomorrow.

Sick Puppy

Note to readers: This is one of those posts where you should not eat and read. So put down your lunch.

This is a photo of my dog, Sammy. Yesterday, Sammy went to the vet to have some teeth pulled. Yes, I know I should brush my dog's teeth and yadda yadda yadda. Trust me, I have a pretty hefty guilt trip about it and I have sworn on all things holy to start brushing his teeth ASAP. But it was too late to save a couple of them, so he had to be put under so they could be removed. Just like humans, dogs must have empty tummies before being put under anesthesia. So poor Sammy didn't get to eat that morning.

After I got off work, I picked him up. The combination of anesthesia, pain killers and antibiotics left him looking pretty ill. He was lethargic and wobbly. The vet said that he will be like that for maybe a day, because the anesthesia had to wear off.

I took him home, and waited an hour to feed him, like the vet told me. I fed him half of what I normally fed him, and added water to the food so it would be soft, just like the vet told me. I also gave him one of the painkillers the vet had given me. Since Sammy was sick and I had a headache, we vegged out on the couch together all night. He was really not himself, poor little thing.

This morning, everything seemed to be fine -- Sammy was a littler perkier and seemed more like himself. So I gave him one of his antibiotic capsules before I forgot. Which was stupid of me, because I am Barf Queen, and I should have remembered one of the Laws of Barf:

Empty tummy + antibiotics = barf

So the medicine came back up. Realizing what I had done wrong, I decided to give Sammy some canned dog food and then tried again to give him his medicine.

He was starved, so he pretty much wolfed it down as usual. I followed it up with the antibiotic. Everything was fine for about an hour.

Then I went to go get ready for work. I came out of the bathroom a little later to find....

Tons of barf. It was everywhere. And not just in one spot, either -- it was like Sammy had made a lap around the room, barfing as he went. There was a giant circle of chunky, pinkish-reddish barf in my living room.

And of course, true to my level of luck, it was all on the carpet, rather than the easy-to-clean linoleum. I sighed and looked at my dog.

Sammy had that look on his face that he has when he does something wrong. Aw. My poor baby. He thought he was in trouble! So I reassured him that everything was ok, and began cleaning it up.

"Well, his tummy just needs to calm down still. I will try feeding him tonight when I get home," I thought. Worried, I decided to call the vet anyway. She said that it is just taking him longer to recover than usual, and just to give it time, and don't let him eat any more food for a while.

I went back to getting ready for work.

Sammy barfed again.

And again.

And again.

Seven pools of dog barf later, I was totally out of paper towels and rags. I was now running late for work, and my house smelled like carpet cleaner. Aw, man! I wish Sammy could just barf once and get it all over with, you know?

Hurrying around to get ready and clean up, I suddenly remembered that I had some leftover dog medicine for vomiting, from a while back. So I gave one of the pills to Sammy before I left for work today. CN is going to check on him in a little bit, but hopefully he will be ok now.

Poor little guy. He hasn't eaten in two days. :( And he looks so pathetic!!!



In other news, I went to my Big Brothers Big Sisters orientation. I am so excited about volunteering for them!! But first, I have to have a 2 hour interview, where they will ask me all kinds of stuff, including, but not limited to:

- my use of drugs, alcohol and tobacco
- whether or not I own firearms/have them in the house
- my living situation (ie, roommates, pets, etc.)
- my sexual orientation (I'm sure they will have questions about CN, since he lives so close to me)
- any abuse/neglect I have experienced in my life
- what my childhood was like and what my relationships with my family members are like
- why I want to volunteer for them

I figured these would be the sort of things they'd ask me about. And it's fine -- I totally understand, and I'm glad they ask the important questions. But I am afraid I'm going to cry during the interview!!! There's no way I can answer these questions without talking about my brother's death, my father's death, all the alcoholism in my family, my own alcoholism and the sexual assault I had in college. (No, I was not raped, but it was an act that I was forced into and I was physically restrained during it. So it's not exactly the highlight of my college experience. It's not a huge deal for me to talk about it, but it's not a picnic, either.)

It is about 4 weeks until my interview. So I have time to mentally prepare myself to talk about pretty much all the crap in my life in one go. Ugh. Anyway, after that, if my references check out and they like who I am and what I say during the interview (ie, I am not a danger to any child), they will start to look for a Little Sister for me. I was disappointed to hear that this process might take about 6 months. :( But it's just that they want to make sure they pair you up with someone who you can hang out with over the long term. So I understand.

They have encouraged us to think about what kind of a Little we are looking for. We have to think about what sorts of issues we are willing to deal with: behavioral, abuse, domestic violence, physical disability, etc. It's kind of a weird feeling, to sit here and think "yes" or "no" about some kid's life experience. A kid who has been having a rough go of things. And here I am, deciding what I can tolerate. But I understand why they want us to do this. Not everyone can handle every type of situation. And sometimes, if you have been in the same situation as the kid, you are a better match for them. So in the long run, I think it's good, the way they do this. You don't want to go through the whole process, only to back out of it 4 months later. These kids have enough problems, without you getting their hopes up.

Another thing they encouraged us to do was to do free or low-cost activities with the kids. Not only do you not want to feel resentment towards the kid about the money you spend, you don't want to spoil the kid or cause a rift between you and the parent. Most of the parents in this program don't have a lot of money, and you don't want to swoop down with your credit card and "save the day". Splitting the cost with the parents and doing something special for the kid's birthday are fine, but you don't want to be a walking wallet. It's just not a good idea. This is fine with me, because as we all know, I am trying to budget, anyway!

So I guess that is all I have for right now. The ball won't really get rolling until I go to my interview and cry when the lady brings up all my personal stuff! :P

Back to the Grindstone: Budget

Obviously, my cash flow is on the low side after my cruise. It ended up costing about $700 total, which ate up the majority of my tax refund.

So it's back to the grindstone as far as budgeting is concerned. Here are some bright spots:

1. I just transferred my old Visa balance to a new 0% interest rate card. I am going to make $200 payments per month (more than double the minimum amount due) so that I can get the debt down to about $1,000 in a year. That is sooooo much more manageable. Once it's that low, I should have it paid off completely six months later. In theory.

2. April = mild temperatures = low electricity bill.

3. I have already paid off the cruise. Entirely. WOOT -- that was hard to do, but I decided to be the responsible adult for once. Go me.

There are some challenges:

1. I would like to get a part time job. It would be strictly for savings account/credit card debt purposes. But how can I find a part time job that won't interfere with my gym/exercise regime? I need to have time to work out. And it needs to be a job that won't leave me totally exhausted, so that I can still hit the gym afterwards. Anyone have any good ideas? Here is a list I have made of ideas:

* could try to be a Clinique girl again. Plus: free makeup! Downside: putting makeup on some people is gross. (Have I told you my stories??) And if you've ever worked retail, you know that it has its own type of suckage.

*I could wait tables. Plus: lots of exercise while I work! Downside: I come home smelling like food. And say good-bye to weekends. And getting enough sleep.

*I could be a PT librarian at another library. Plus: It pays very well, and the work is easy. Plus, libraries are always cold in the summer. Downside: Even more sitting on my ass, being bored. And one library here in town is still pissed at me for quitting, so I know they won't even consider hiring me back.

2. If I got rid of my Internet at home, it would save me $45 per month. That adds up quickly. I would love to get rid of my Internet at home, especially since I never use it. CN already told me that if I needed to, I can use his computer for Internet. So what's the problem? I use my computer to charge my iPod and use iTunes so that I can work out. I canNOT exercise without music. No Internet = no iPod = no exercise = fat VB. And that cannot happen. Does anyone know how I can get around this? CN's work computer won't let me use iTunes and his USB ports are broken, anyway. So using my iPod at his house is out for now. And I don't want to leave my iPod at work to charge. Obviously. Does anyone know if you can still charge your iPod even if you don't have Internet???

And there are some goals:

1. I have another credit card, which has a balance that is quickly getting away from me. It's hovering around $6000. I know that's not that bad, but I need to get a hold of it. Because it's nothing to be proud of, either. The bad news? The APR is......oh, jeez, I am embarrassed to say. It's a long story. Anyway, I think I need to transfer this $6000 balance to my old Visa (the one whose balance I just transferred to the 0% card), because the old Visa's only got a 9.9% interest rate. Which is much better than the current rate. Am I correct in saying that this is a good idea? Or will this look weird on my credit report?? At least the balance won't be growing astronomically anymore, right? It will just be....you know, about 50% slower.

Are you loving it that I am asking my readers to be my pseudo-financial-advisors? LOL

Anyway, this sounds like a good idea in theory, so I am going to call the old Visa peeps on Thursday to ask about transferring this $6000 balance onto my recently-emptied card.

I am on a mission to be in less debt on December 31st than I was at the beginning of this year. I am determined to pay down these credit card balances!! And maybe even have a savings account again!

On a totally unrelated note, have I told y'all that MJ has no credit card debt? And that CN has ZERO credit cards? Yeah. My freak of a boyfriend has no credit cards. The only debt he has is his mortgage and his car payment. He doesn't even have any school loans from college left -- he already paid them all off. He is obviously concerned about my credit card debt. And I am, too. But I keep trying to tell him that most people have far more debt than I do.

Right???

Cruise News, Part 3

As much as I have complained about the cruise, it was not all bad.

Friday, we were in port at Freeport. We decided not to go on any excursions that day, in order to save money. Besides, we were only there for about 7 hours, and none of the excursions sounded like they were can't-miss. Freeport is, according to all the travel websites and books I consulted, not anything worth seeing.

CN and I did look at the little tshirt shops that were literally right off the gangplank. I finally got to listen to someone speak in the local Bahamian accent. It sounds very similar to a Jamaican accent, but not as thick. After about an hour, we had seen everything there was to see, so we got back on the boat.

That night, we had our formal dinner. We went to the cocktail party beforehand, where we had yummy appetizers and drinks--all free. CN and I did a little slow dancing, which was nice (aw). For dinner, most of our group opted for the surf n turf combo: filet mignon and lobster tail. Aside from the lobster tail being rubbery and overcooked, it was good food.

Everyone changed into more comfortable clothes immediately after eating dinner, which doesn't really justify getting all dressed up to begin with. (Note to self: VB, you enjoy vacations which do not require formal wear.) Everything was going pretty well, and CN and I even managed to stay up with the rest of the group for about an hour. But by then, we were pooped, so we went to bed.

At some point that night, we were jarred awake by extremely loud banging on our door. At first, I imagined we were in the midst of some kind of Titanic-like sinking, or there was a big fire on board. CN, who was closer to the door, jumped up to see who was banging at the door.

No one was there. No one was even in the hallway.

Waking up in a panicked state is probably my least favorite thing in the whole world. So I was pretty pissed. "Stupid kids..." I mumbled, as I rolled back over to go back to sleep.

That's when the phone rang.

CN answered it.

"Hello?" asked CN.

*BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRP!!!* said Larva.

*click!* went the phone. Larva hung up on CN.

"It's Larva," explained CN. "I know him. He's not going to stop."

I groaned.

That's when the banging started again. As soon as CN would get up to tell Larva to stop, Larva would run down the hall, giggling, and finally ducking into his room in the nic of time. CN would come back to bed, and as soon as we had gotten comfortable and closed our eyes, the phone would ring again. Ignoring the phone did not work. It just kept ringing. Taking it off the hook caused it to make a very loud beeping sound. So we were forced to deal with the incessant ringing.

This went on for at least a half an hour. Banging. Ringing. Burping. Giggling. Repeat.

After round 3 of this, I had had enough. I stood up and informed CN that although Larva is his friend, I officially hate him and never wish to ever hang out with him again. And that this bullshit had to stop. Now.

CN was way ahead of me. He was even more pissed off than I was. "That's it. I'm punching him in the face. I'm going down to his room and when he opens the door, I'm clocking him," he announced.

CN went down to Larva's room. I can't remember how long he was there, since I was groggy at best. But I remember that CN came back frustrated that Larva wouldn't even answer the door. Neither would his wife, Sandra. (We found out later this was because she had PTFO.)

We tried to go back to sleep, but ended up tossing and turning for about an hour, since we were so wound up. We didn't sleep very well that night.

In the morning, we tried to get in better moods, despite Larva's lack of an apology. *grrrr* We had breakfast and then got ready for our port-of-call in Nassau. We all decided to spend $65 (each) on a 4 hour excursion and go together as a group. At 9am, we got onto a ferry for a 30 minute ride off the coast. By this point, the water was breathtaking. It looked like this, but better. I don't really know how to describe it, other than to say that all those photos you see of the Caribbean do not do the real thing any justice. The weather was perfect, and there was a nice breeze. Ahhh. So far, so good.

The ferry took us to a small island, where there was a beach, a bar, a souvenir shop and a snack shack. We had our photos taken, and then put our stuff down on some lawn chairs. Then, we went to a little roped-off area where we grabbed snorkeling equipment.

It was time to go swimming with sting rays.

Oh yes. The same animal that killed the Crocodile Hunter. Only these were de-barbed for our safety. Whew. On a side note, these animals are really creepy, so the barbs are really superfluous, IMHO.

I put on my snorkeling equipment and began swimming around the sting ray area. The creepy sting rays move like underwater birds. They tend to herd together and swim in schools. If you have ever seen a horseshoe crab, the sting ray looks like a flattened version of it! [Note: These two animals are not really related. Sting rays are related to sharks and horseshoe crabs are related to spiders and ticks. Sorry for the geek moment, folks.]

I am giddy with excitement about this whole experience. Not only were there sting rays of various sizes and colors, there were also white, blue and yellow fish. I am pretty sure some of them were Angelfish. I have gone snorkeling before, and I absolutely adore it. It's like being in a giant aquarium. So I was really enjoying this.

Until I realized........that I had no idea where my boyfriend was or if he was ok.

The same boyfriend who cannot swim.

Uh-oh.

I pulled my head up to look for him. I expected him to be in ankle-deep water, just watching everyone else, or practically drowning somewhere. He wasn't. He was only a few feet behind me, snorkeling!!! I was totally shocked. It turns out that he can sorta-kinda swim and doesn't start freaking out until the water is as deep as his chin. "Plus, the flotation device is helping," he said. (The flotation device was part of our snorkeling equipment.)

I was so proud of him.

Even if he jumped and squealed like a little girl any time one of the sting rays came close to him.

After letting us swim around for a while, the sting ray guides (keepers? handlers?) told us to line up into two lines and face each other. It was time to feed the sting rays. Cool! The sting rays must have known what the two lines meant, because they began to swim very quickly and swarm around us, rather than ignore us as they had moments before.

The guides (keepers? handlers??) then went around and handed each of us a handful of chopped up, raw squid. Um, thanks. Then they told us how to feed the sting rays by holding the squid under the water, just above the sand. The sting rays would swim over your hand and hoover up the squid parts. "They use suction to capture their food," the guide explained. Ew. Kind of like an underwater vacuum cleaner.

Thanks to my overactive imagination, the only image that came to mind was my arm, trapped inside a very angry sting ray, which was doing its best to suck the flesh off my bones as I screamed bloody murder and writhed in agony in the shallow area of this wading pool full of horrified cruise vacationers.

So when a sting ray came near me, I held the squid part under the water for a second, only to let go too soon and watch as the snack, intended for the sting ray, was snatched up by a fish. Oops. Sorry, Mr. Sting Ray. Next time, don't be so creepy, ok?

Next, I was shocked to see that some people were actually touching the sting rays. Didn't they realize they were risking their lives?? That their appendages could be shredded in an instant, much like a garbage disposal would, subjected to the unpredictable will of these shark cousins with extremely powerful suckage mechanisms in their mouths??? Were they insane???!! These are the pool drains of the animal kingdom! Keep your fingers and hair away, people!!!

"Cool! How does it feel??" I asked the guy across from me.

"Slimy!" he replied, excitedly.

"Oh, wow. I wanna touch one!" I said, suddenly forgetting my imagination's vivid and gory warnings.

The guy was right. They are slimy. Firm, but slimy. But as cool as it was, I didn't feel the need to touch them again. Once was plenty.

I looked down the line to see what CN was doing. He looked nervous and tense, and still jumped and yelped any time one of the sting rays came near. I couldn't help but laugh.

I found out later that a great deal of the yelping and jumping had to do with the fact that Larva had put squid parts in CN's pocket, so the sting rays were swarming around CN like bees.

Tee hee. As obnoxious as Larva is, I had to give him credit on that one.

After the sting rays, we had lunch and then hung out in the beach area for a little while. CN and I were enjoying the water, when we noticed a wild, fully barbed sting ray in the water. This was not one of the captive, tame ones we had just fed. It was huge, and it was headed our way.

This time, my overactive imagination threw potential newspaper headlines at me: "Couple, 29, Killed by Wild Sting Ray: 'It was just horrible to watch' witnesses say" and "Wildlife Community Warns of Vacation Danger: Man Never Had a Chance, Experts Say". So I grabbed CN's hand and practically dragged him out of the water lickety split.

"Gee, thanks, Mom," he said sarcastically.

"Shut up! I just saved your life! You can't swim!" I said.

He doesn't know that I was actually more scared of it than he was!!

Then it was time to go, so we all got back on the ferry and were, well, ferried back to our cruise ship. CN and I spent the rest of the day shopping in Nassau.

It was so nice to get off the boat, even if everything was just tshirt/souvenir shops. There was the occasional luxury goods store (Gucci, Bulgari, Fendi, Breitling), but the prices were still outrageous, even duty-free.

Like so many foreign cities around the world, escaping American culture was difficult: Ford cars on the streets, KFC was open for lunch and the U.S. Dollar was the currency. And everything was made in China. ;)

After wandering around for a while, I was very excited to see the big tent where they sell the fake designer handbags. I freaking love these things. They never look like the real thing, but they are still great-looking bags. This time, I got a big, yellow patent-leather Prada. (I will share a pic soon, promise!) I also got a small, black Coach and a large, black Coach tote. I got all three for $100. Yippee!!!!

I tell you what, if you ever go to The Bahamas, make sure you can make up your mind quickly. Everyone there is extremely pushy. They certainly do not take "no" for an answer! CN ended up buying a cigar from a kid, only to get him to shut up and go away. And they expect you to buy anything you look at longer than 5 seconds. I inspected one handbag for a good minute, only to tell the lady that I was not interested. She was really pissed and told me that I wasted her time!! "Well, you need to sell cuter fake handbags," I thought. Hmph!

By about 4pm, CN and I were pooped, so we went back to the boat and took another nice, long nap. It was the perfect end to a great day.