Tuesday, December 06, 2005

What Am I Doing Wrong?

I read somewhere once (or maybe my mom said it to me): "Take a look at all of your past relationships. They all have one thing in common: you."

I've been thinking about my dating history a lot this week. I started dating through match.com a couple of months ago. So far, I'm really tempted to refer to it as "mis-match.com". But I need to be more positive, I think. I can't control how bad the dates are, only how I react to them. I just have to keep getting back on the saddle. If anything, it is making for good blog stories. So henceforth, I will strive to be more optimistic and nauseatingly sunshiny. It's a tough pill for a cynic like me to swallow, but I'll just do it. Negative attitudes abound in this land, and it will only come across to potential datees if I continue on this path. Besides, I firmly believe that if you force yourself to be positive, you will eventually become a positive person. It's a self-fulfilling mind trick.

How did I get to this point of relying on a computer to collect "eligible" bachelors for me? Well, I looked at it like this: I had not been on a date in a really....long.....time. Between December 2003 and January 2005 the total number of dates I went on totaled: zero. That is a year. (Aside from The Cop, a brief relationship which ended 6 months ago, I have had no dates other than match.com dates even to this day.) Unfortunately, regardless of how much I pleaded and begged, time refused to be on my side. I was tired of letting fate control my dating life, so I took my shriveling ovaries and sat down at my Dell to admit to myself (and the ovaries, since this was all their idea) that this was my only chance at getting a date in this town, even if it was with a 58 year old. Any date was better than no date at this point. Man, this was depressing.

The problem is, I don't know how I got to this point. I'm pretty good at relationships, (although I'm sure some of my exes would beg to differ!). Once they get off the ground, I know what I'm doing. Lately, the problem has been getting them started. I think of myself as happy, smart, fun and reasonably attractive. I don't have any major relationship hang-ups, I am not a psycho and I don't have unrealistic expectations (I hope.). I'm not in a rush to get married and I love to smooch. I even like to bake cookies! What more can they want? I'm a catch, according to my mom, although everyone's mom says that. So why aren't they knocking down my door? Some theories:

  1. The sluts are getting all the men.
  2. The good ones are, as we have all feared, taken. Just like early Microsoft investors, those girls in college knew a good thing when they saw it and invested it all right at the start, only to become multi-gazillionares in three years.
  3. They have evacuated Columbia for the greener patures of NYC after watching one too many SATC episodes.
  4. They are intimidated by my incredible charm and good looks.
  5. I'm unapproachable because I'm shy, maybe?
  6. Men have all become metrosexuals and cannot squeeze me in between their manicure and facial appointments.
  7. Men don't approach women anymore and have grown lazy and spoiled thanks to the aggressive, ball-busting, power-suit-wearing women who ask them out.
  8. Actually, they meant to approach me, but the game came on and they had one too many beers and passed out on the couch.
  9. They are all in hiding, driven to underground caverns to escape the crazy psycho women that are pestering them.
  10. I'm actually invisible to all men in my target audience.
As much as I'd like to think it is #4, in all actuality, it is probably #5 or #8. I have lots of friends, but all their guy friends are either married, dating someone or have voices like Minnie Mouse. (I'm sorry, but I just can't date guys whose voices make my skin crawl. I can't even talk to them on the phone. I've tried.) I see cute guys on occasion at bookstores or in parks. There is eye contact and smiling....and that's all I get. They can't all have girlfriends, can they? I tried asking a guy out, and let's just say it didn't go so well. Plus, it made me insecure from the get-go because the entire time I was thinking, "Is this a pity date?" Then there are the things that never go anywhere, like in my previous post. It's enough to make a girl try anything. Even....match.

But enough whining and self-pity. I am trying to be positive and grateful. It could always be worse. I like to say to myself, "There's always next weekend!"


NML said...

I've read one post and I'm fascinated! Dating is hard and I'm not shy. I get approached, but by jackasses which means that might as well they hadn't. When you're a celeb, there is no such thing as bas attention. When you're dating that is so not the case. I've never asked a guy out and i don't think I can imagine doing that. Brave of you to try no matter how it worked out. And don't even get me started on Match!

Stuckey said...

As horrible as it may sound, I'm actually glad to hear that women have these problems too.

I've heard several people talk abotu match.com before, and out of those several, only one said it was a good idea. The problem is that computers can't judge whether that elusive "spark" will exist or not. (I've come to believe that The Spark is a joke that married couples laugh about when their friends aren't around.)

As far as your theories go, I'll respond as a man:

1) If the sluts are getting all the men, I want to know where to turn my name in. I've only had one out of my six "major" relationships.

2) Most of the good ones probably ARE taken. That would make sense, right? But how can you explain all the women who leave these good men for men that treat them like crap?

3) NYC women are too intimidating for us Southern country bumpkins.

4) Very possible. An attractive woman is harder to approach, even though (statistically) she's more likely to be unattached.

5) Being shy would prevent you from approaching, not from being approached. Unless by shy you mean you stay at home all the time and when you manage to get out you don't make eye contact or smile at all.

6) *bites a hangnail and spits it in the trashcan* I don't know what sort of men you're referring to... *scratches himself*

7) Men still approach women. The problem is that they're the same men they were in high school and college, and probably have only one thing on their mind.

8) Football and beer are tests. Do not mistake them as hobbies. We use these things to see how well you women-folk can adapt.

9) This is probably the most realistic theory. I know it's true for me. (But I'm working on overcoming that fear.)

10) Being invisible could cause problems... but on the other hand, you could stop worrying about how you look since no one could see you. Just go downtown in sweatpants and a tee shirt.

You left off the most obvious, and most-accepted theory, however. Most men are idiots, and don't really know what they want in life. Please don't blame us, though, because we can't help it. The penis makes us stupid. :)


(By the way, thanks for linking my blog.)

Team Richardson said...

Now time for the (married) cynic to chime in... the “sad and single” song is killing me. I’m hearing it a lot of people (well, not really... I’m hearing it from a lot of women), in a lot of places.

I’ll address your list of 10 reasons/excuses and save the rest of my comments for our upcoming Pod Cast (yes, it will soon be recorded and posted).

1. I’m with Stuckey... where are the sluts? They’re damn sure getting the men... for the night. We can spot these women a mile away, prey on them for the night, and then leave them for the whores they are. Occasionally, we even leave a tip on the night stand: “don’t look into the sun, it’ll hurt your eyes.” (laugh, that was funny).

2. You hit the nail on the head. By the time decent men reach your age, they’re usually already snapped up by savvy, large breasted Italian women. They can cook, dance, look sexy in damn near anything; they have an uncanny prowess for spotting a good thing early on. Beware: the large breasted Italian woman is your biggest threat.

3. Could be... I love NYC, and if I were starting over single, The City would be my #1 hunting ground. All the women are ambitious... and gorgeous. NYC women are your second largest threat. And just for the record... my secondary hunting ground would be Miami, followed by Puerto Rico, and then South America (that’s right, the whole damn continent).

4. Most men I know, aren’t intimated by looks. I can’t tell you how many hot chics I’ve walked up to and walked away from because they were a drag to talk to. I’ve got the photos of these hot, boring women upstairs if you ever want proof.

5. I’m with Stuckey on this one too. I’m not sure what YOU being shy, has to do with US approaching you.

6. I only know low maintenance guys, so I can’t help you out here.

7. Another good observation. Ask my wife how many times I get approached in a week. I’m sure if I wore a wedding ring, I could mitigate some of these attacks... but I loathe jewelry.

8. To catch a decent guy, you’re just gonna have to suck it up and learn to like some of the stuff we like... including football and beer. That’s just how it is... just like we have to learn to deal with anything pink, Sarah Jessica Parker, and fem products invading our space.

9. Once again, they’re not hiding... just taken.

10. Possibly... what’s your target audience? I’ve already discussed this with XX, and my headlining topic for our next Pod cast is going to be based on my newly coined phrase, “if you can only afford wal-mart, why are you shopping in Saks?” This analogy doesn’t really fit you, but it sure does fit 98% of single women. What I’m saying is, don’t look for a man who has a lot to offer, when you have nothing to offer. The same applies for all these lazy men out there. Don’t look for a decent women when you’re an excuse for a man.

My advice to you is to stop looking in college bars populated by faux cowboys in cheap hats. I still say you can easily find a great guy, just stop looking in all the wrong places (that’s a feeble attempt at a SATC style pun).

As for Stuckey’s comment about decent women staying with deadbeat guys... don’t even waste your time trying to figure them out. I’m not sure what the percentage is (unfortunately it’s probably around 30% of coupled women), but some women just like to be roughed up. I personally know of one who just likes a man who will choke the sh*t out of her. How she got like that, I don’t know, but most decent guys aren’t fooling with those women anyhow.

Just my $.02 worth!


The Dummy said...

Hey look! It's NML! (Hi NML!)

Well - there is one other thing - and it might be your location. Some places just have a severe shortage of people, and that means we unsuspectingly find ourselves in situations that we wouldn't have considered otherwise if we were in a more populated town with more eligible singles.

I did that for a year in Sun Valley, and it was only with the benefit of hindsight did I realize that it was my location that was the cause, not me.

Ironically, I thought it was the cute girls that would've totally cleaned house and been able to pick who they please when it came to living in a small town.

I'd say that guys are generally intimidated by an attractive woman and have little to no coconuts when it comes to having to break the ice. It happens all the time. And you've unfortunately got front row seats to see it all unfold.

Virginia Belle said...

Wow, i definitely have some food for thought on these comments. Thanks guys so much. V. helpful. Much appreciated. I have so much to say, i think i will just write a new post in reply...