Wednesday, December 07, 2005

The Match, part 2

Continuing on with the dating discussion...I will try to reply to everyone's comments in here somewhere...here goes.

First off, XY, this is all very easy for you to say considering you are married and don't have to deal with any of this. But I am not saying I don't respect your opinion. You know I trust it very much. I'm just saying, be glad this isn't your life. If it were, you might be a little whiny too.

I think what is most frustrating to me is that the "real life in the flesh" Virginia Belle never gets approached, and if I do, it is by a drunk/older/redneck guy, like I said. (It is sad to say this, but they are not skeeving me out as much as they used to! I'm starting to be flattered instead of annoyed! Help!) On the other hand, "virtual" VB, whose profile is on match.com, is beating them off with a baseball bat. I get about 40 winks a day--no joke. What gives? I'm flattered electronically, but ignored in reality. So, I'm only good in theory. I'm the same friggin person! How am I better on (virtual) paper than in real life? It's not even a very good picture of me. Maybe it's because on match.com you basically have a sign around your neck saying, "Yes! I'm single! Approach me with minimal rejection risk!" That must be it. Email rejections must be easier to take for men. I still say, rejection is rejection, period. You can put a pretty little bow on it if you want--it still hurts. But anything worth having is worth a risk, right?

I will say that guys have it hard out there. I know it must be very hard to approach someone cold. So I feel their pain, I really do. But I have mad respect for it. Nothing is hotter than a guy with cojones. Nothing. And no matter how repulsive you are, no matter how much she doesn't want to admit it, every girl, deep down inside is at least a little bit flattered. She thinks, "Yes! I've still got it!" That is why I try and always be very nice when men do this, even if I'm not interested. I don't want to discourage them from doing it again to someone who is more receptive! (That's like faking it in bed--why promote bad behavior???)

But, as Stuckey so wisely observed, women have their problems too. I don't know how it is in other parts of the country, but down here, there is still a lot of chivalry going on (thank goodness!!!) and most girls I know are very old-fashioned, ie, you won't catch them dead asking a guy out. I am one of those girls. Like I said, I tried it. Never again. So this leaves many of us as the passive members of the dating world. At least men can keep shooting until they hit something. We women are but deer in the forest. But I like it that way--it feels more natural when the guy does the hunting, at least at first. So I guess I'm happy with the system, I'm just impatient!

I'm glad to know that many guys down here are intimidated by NYC-type women (which, I am guessing means SATC-type girls?). Whew! That is a relief. Because let me tell you, that lifestyle is hard to maintain! And for the record, not every girl is looking for a Wall Street type of guy. (VB is also in this group.)

There is something called "The Prom Girl Theory". I think I read about it on Dating Dummy. This theory states that the pretty girls in high school don't get asked to prom because everyone thinks they must already have a date. While I don't want to come out and say that this directly applies to me *ahem*, I do think there is something to this. I have had people say to me that they assumed I was seeing someone and that is why they didn't hit on me. News flash for men: *If you don't see a ring, go for it! Ask and you could very well receive!* Or gosh, Einstein, how about you ask her friends if she is single? I would think it would be worse for guys to know they missed an opportunity, but apparently not.

I think I need to explain a little more about my being shy. My mom thinks that I'm unapproachable because I don't have a perma-grin on my face. I think that is silly because who does that? I'd look like an idiot. That is not to say I don't try and smile more when I'm out--I do think that "happy=approachable". Plus, going out usually puts me in a good mood anyway. But sometimes, I get smacked upside my head by the Shy Fairy. It could be because I can't think of anything good to say, I feel the need to have a warm-up session, I could have been caught off guard, I'm feeling very self conscious (this is especially true at the gym, where I never make eye contact!), the guy could be really hot, or my self-esteem that day is just a little on the low side. Whatever the reason, this happens sometimes. I completely choke. So the guy leaves thinking I'm not interested/boring/snobby. When really, I want to run after him yelling, "No, wait! Can you come back tomorrow and try it again?!" Then I go home, cry and beat my head against a wall. Just kidding. But I kinda want to.

Oh, and girls are so onto you guys about beer and football. Some girls really do like it. I love college basketball. I am starting to get into college football. Now, I may not always know what's going on, but I'm smart enough to wait until the commercials come on before asking ten questions. I do not mind watching any game/fight/man movie, because it usually means I'm allowed to fall asleep in the guy's lap if I want. As far as the beer goes, many of you know I do not drink alcohol. Ever. But I'm really big on spoiling men, so I will always be happy to get up and get you one. :) And I think it is only fair that we suffer through these sporting events, because we do drag you guys to chick flicks. Good call, XY.

I think that we can all say that men are stupid in their way (thinking below the belt) and women are stupid in their way (putting up with jerks who choke them, for example). I'm pretty sure that those women are suffering from poor self-esteem, but I wonder if men tend to think below the belt for the same reason? Do some guys feel they don't have anything else to offer? What am I saying! Men are just horny. News flash for men: *Some women are too. Very much so.* I can think of three off the top of my head. But they will remain nameless to protect the innocent. *ahem*.

But back to those women who settle or put up with crap. Guys, this is where women are stupid. But the good news is, we grow out of it when we get tired of it. And 90% of women do eventually get tired of it. Any girl who puts up with an asshole has never been really really hurt. She is stubborn and has to be burned on the stove before realizing that it's not a toy. Just be patient. She'll figure it out. (She may have to do this several times with different men, btw.) This is where it is a good strategy to "be there for her" and one of the few times when being in the Friend Zone can really pay off in the long run. With each relationship injury, she will come back stronger and smarter. And wouldn't you rather date that version?

And I'm sticking to my guns about my statement that some guys are too busy hooking up with sluts to give nice girls the time of day because they don't want to deal with being in a real relationship. I understand! Relationships are hard. But, as I said before, anything worth having is worth putting yourself at risk to obtain it. Unfortunately, the sluts still have the upper hand. I know guys will stay with women because they put out! Don't deny it, male readers! Guys have confessed this to me! Each one of you has wasted time dating (and I use the term "dating" loosely here) a girl you didn't really like as a person because she was
a) the only ninth grader who was not in the V Club
b) really great in bed
c) a warm body to snuggle with and you were lonely
d) a good cook
e) horny all the time and lived out of town so you only had to deal with her occasionally--all the good, none of the bad!
f) really drunk and hit on you

News flash for men: *Choices b)-f) apply to lots of nice, attractive girls! And without drama! And sometimes we are funny and smart to boot! We may even be someone good to introduce to your mom! Give us a chance. Relationships might actually be fun. What a concept.* But I'm picking on you guys. I am not a man hater by any means. Quite the contrary. I think men are generally very funny and sweet and easy to be around. I am a man fan. Plus, I really like ogling you at the gym--watching guys do pull-ups is my porn. That is so hot....[VB daydreams for a moment...]

Oh, and before anyone makes a comment about this, I do give nice guys a chance! Heck, I take whatever I can get at this point! I refuse to lower my standards, but I am conscious of the "sleepers" ie, nice guys. I am much more open-minded than I used to be about this (Yes, I was burned pretty badly). But I stick to my "three strikes and you're out" policy.

And I don't think Italian women are any competition at all (that is not to say that XX isn't ravishing, because she is definitely a hottie!!). I don't see any woman as competition. To me, it's apples and oranges. Somewhere, there is a guy who is looking for me. Not Cindy Crawford, not Tyra Banks, not Pamela Anderson. Me. Just me. And when he meets me, he will think, "Oh my God. She totally does it for me. All other women are suddenly invisible." Do models and prettier girls lower my self-esteem? Sure. But only for about 5 seconds because I know that she deserves to be happy as much as I do and she doesn't hold the same cards as I do. Some of hers are probably better, like her size 4 jeans, but I'm sure I have some card she envies, too. So who wins? It doesn't really matter because we aren't trying to win the same hands. Those girls are looking for totally different jackpots. (How's that for a metaphor?!)

I'm looking forward to Team Richardson's next podcast on Columbia Chatterbox. I like the "If you can only afford Wal-Mart, why are you shopping at Saks?" question. I think a lot of guys and girls do this. Heck, look at the drunk/older/redneck guys that talk to me. You have to date in your league. Otherwise you are just setting yourself up for disappointment.

So far, few agree with me, but I don't think this town has much to offer in the way of a large pool of datees. I get a lot of, "Oh, I know a great guy for you! But he lives in Superfar Town." Thanks, but that doesn't help. I don't do long distance. I think there are a lot of married couples in Columbia, although there are pockets of singles. I have met many of them. I looked through match.com and found that I've already "e-met" just about everyone on there I care to. Like the natives of Easter Island, I have used all my natural resources, leaving me with an uninhabitable environment, full of little besides mysterious men and unanswered questions. Which is why, like they did, I've been thinking seriously of moving to a bigger island, ie, Richmond, Va. I have heard they have a truckload of singles there. I know, I only need one hot awesome single guy, but towns like that only improve my odds! I'm reaching for my paddle...in the hopes of discovering some coconuts...ha ha. I'm such a perv.

Oh, and for the record, I'm not looking for men in bars. I'm looking for men everywhere I go all day long. Duh! :) I go to bookstores and parks like I said. I check out guys at bars, the mall, the bank, the grocery store, at football games, at stoplights and at the gym. And there are a surprising number of hotties at my Wal-Mart...(I can't wait to see how this plays into your metaphor!) There must be an underground cavern of men nearby!

And with that, I will leave you to ponder and reply...

2 comments:

Stuckey said...

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I've had out-of-town friends tell me that they'd heard of all the hot singles in Columbia, and berate me for not being married to one of them by now. I'm guessing Richmond will be the same scene. I'm sure there will be MORE people, but I'd bet the percentage of worthwhile ones will be the same.

Bars are the places that men have been conditioned to hunt for women. It's sad, yes, but true. I'm not saying that doesn't mean some guy won't approach you in a bookstore, but it's more likely in a bar.

Between you and Team Richardson, I've decided the subect of my next entry will have to follow the theme, and I'm going to focus on The Approach. It's good to hear that some part of women is flattered. I'll keep that in mind next time I get pepper-sprayed. ;)

Virginia Belle said...

I think Columbia has a lot of beautiful single women in it. So does Charleston. I'm thinking guys get overloaded with the options and it fries their noodles. They become catatonic and then don't ask anyone out.

Good to know i might be wasting my time in a bookstore. Dang! I've always wanted to meet someone there. I'm not totally opposed to meeting someone in a bar, although my mom's skin would crawl if she heard me say that.

Yes, we may deny it, but we are always at least a little flattered when a guy hits on us. I remember being a kid, walking around downtown Richmond and my mom got all giggly when a truck driver whistled at her!We are suckers for compliments. Usually. :)