Whorelando

Greetings, my wonderful readers! Just thought I'd update you on all of my travels. Here is what I thought about Orlando, or, as I like to call it, "Whorelando".

First of all, no one speaks English. So I got to hear a lot of what I assume is Spanish. Even though I had no idea what they were saying, it's a beautiful language. I wish I could say that about the clothing choices of the women. What is up with the skin-tight outfits and the boobs out everywhere? I mean, I firmly believe in the "if you've got it, flaunt it" mantra, but these girls took it to the extreme. If I was a guy, I'd want to move to Orlando. I saw more titty than a mammogram machine.

Speaking of guys...I did call The Big Ex to tell him I was coming to town, and he was really excited to see me, but unfortunately he was unable to meet up with me. Why? Well, it seems he got a DUI a few months ago. He can't drive anywhere. As soon as he told me, I thought, "Ok, now I'm starting to remember why you are one of my exes...." But we had a nice chat and caught up. He was really disappointed that he couldn't see me. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he still has feelings for me. He was being awfully sweet on the phone. And he asked a lot of questions about the whole Repo relationship. Why did he care? I don't know. But aside from the whole DUI thing, he's doing really well.

That might be the dumbest sentence I have ever written.

Other than that, I checked out their outlet malls (and I'm sorry, but 20% off is not outlet mall pricing, considering some of the stores were couture--Dior, Burberry, Dooney & Bourke etc.). It was the outlet mall for rich people. I guess they feel the need to pretend like they're poor. I did find an outlet bookstore and picked up 4 books for $20. Since I am both broke and a total nerd, this basically made my day.

The food was terrible. I didn't have a single good meal the whole time. But they were all free, so I really shouldn't be complaining. A small price to pay for sitting through World's Most Boring Convention.

Aside from the weather, the best part about the trip was the hotel where the conference took place. (Of course, with my luck, I didn't get to stay here. I had to stay at the average hotel around the corner. But oh well.) This place was incredible. There is a mini-mall inside this thing. At least 4 restaurants and even a Ben & Jerry's. I've never seen a hotel that big in my life. Then again, I don't get out much. After watching that Stephen King movie, Rose Red, the story about the mansion that "eats" people, I was terrified to walk around this place. I honestly believe I would never be seen again. The alligators would eventually find me and eat me. Yup, I said alligators. Inside the hotel. There were about 20 of them living in the little river that flowed through the atrium, and they looked like this:



Some pics of the inside--the atrium--was friggin massive:







This one shows the castle that is on the inside of the atrium, along with the rainforest, waterfalls, goldfish ponds and alligators pictured above:



The inside of the castle is sort of a mini-museum of real-life sunken treasure found by this guy off the coast of Key West. The boat was an old Spanish galleon, full of silver. The shop in the hotel sells originals and reproductions of the silver found on the boat. My dad bought me some pieces once when he went to Key West--they're pretty cool. You can read about the history and discovery of the Atocha here.

There was a big sailboat in a pool full of goldfish on the inside, too, but I couldn't find a picture of that. Maybe their website (see below) has one.

The pool was incredible:





And just in case you're curious, this is what the urinals looked like:



I swear, the stuff you find on the internet these days...


Seriously, though, if you want to see more, check it out in detail on their website.

On my last day, I did get a chance to have lunch with Party Girl, and it was so wonderful to see her. She told me about the trouble she and her boyfriend of 2 years are having (quick version: he married a girl he didn't know so he could get a green card, he wants to divorce her so he can marry Party Girl, but he can't get a divorce until he gets his green card). She updated me on some mutual college buddies, like Burger, who is an internationally-recognized salsa dancer and tours all over Europe, and Miami Girl, who is finishing up her last year of med school. It was great to see her and luckily, I will get to see her next week in Indy as well.

Tonight is the Christmas party for work, and I'm on the committee, so I gotta run.

I'll be in Indy starting on Saturday, so my posting will get kind of spotty, but I'll have a full report when I get back!

Oh, before I forget, two more things:

1. While I was gone, Sammy pooped in K's bed. Needless to say, she will be getting a very, very nice Christmas present from me this year. I guess he was mad at me for leaving, and decided to take it out on her. Cross your fingers he behaves while I'm in Indy.
2. I cut off all my hair. Ok, not all of it, but it's shoulder-length now. I like it. My coworkers say it makes me look younger, which sounds good to me.

Let's Pretend...

...that all this traveling I'm doing this month is actually because I'm mega-ultra famous, and I'm going on tour. I know I can't sing. Or dance. Or act. But I'm just famous, ok? Go with me on this one. It's fun. Besides, this is a good way to procrastinate on packing for Orlando.

I was reading over at Gypsy's blog yesterday, and she had the coolest post--her list of rider requirements if she were famous. Like her, I'm never going to be so high maintenance that I'd ask someone to pick out all the green M&Ms or anything like that. But if I were allowed, this is what I'd ask to be ready and waiting for me backstage or in my trailer:

1. chocolate twizzlers
2. sour mix jelly belly jellybeans
3. Milk Maid caramels (no other kind will do)
4. diet coke.
5. more diet coke. just tons of it.
6. ice
7. a huge glass out of which I will drink my diet coke--with a straw
8. Starbuck's vanilla lattes (I don't know how that will work, either. It's not my problem. I'm famous, remember?)
9. Camel lights -- at least 3 packs.
10. a lighter and a big ashtray
11. cable TV & a DVD player
12. a stereo so I can play my CDs if I want
13. a Henri Bendel candle from Bath and Body Works-- the Fig one.
14. a collection of recent issues of the following magazines: In Style, People, Country Living, Real Simple, Cosmo, Allure, Glamour
15. ten of my favorite movies on DVD so I can watch them when I want
16. Light Nacho Cheese Doritos
17. Lean Pockets -- Chicken Quesadilla flavor
18. a microwave to cook my "pockets of hot"
19. a bed and toys for Sammy
20. Cranberry-Raspberry juice (and I mean 100% juice. None of this cocktail crap.)
21. Roast beef, Dukes mayo, sliced cheddar and whole grain bread so I can make sandwiches
22. Yoplait light yogurt in Raspberry
23. a charger for my cell phone
24. a laptop with wireless internet (I told you I am really famous and important)
25. a soft pillow and polar fleece throw so I can take a nap on the couch they provide
26. Excedrin in case I get a headache
27. light cookies n cream ice cream in the fridge
28. spoon and dish for said ice cream
29. manicurist/pedicurist on call
30. anti-bacterial hand soap, my own private bathroom & clean towels
31. 'round the clock limo service
32. a masseuse (sp?) on call--he must be young, straight and hot as hell.
33. pulled pork and BBQ sauce from Sticky Fingers, along with hamburger buns so I can make BBQ sandwiches
34. oreos and milk, just in case I get a craving
35. a big order of Chik-fil-a's chicken nuggets, and ketchup to dip them in
36. the day's issue of the local paper, and a pen so I can do the crossword puzzle
37. a big fluffy robe and slippers
38. an iron and ironing board so I can iron my clothes if necessary
39. Raspberry-flavored sparkling water
40. macaroni and cheese
41. butter biscuits
42. a loaf of my mom's pumpkin bread
43. an elliptical machine so I can burn off all those calories! (Gah, am I food-obsessed or what??)
44. enough seating so that my entourage and I will have plenty of room to lounge around
45. board games: Trivial Pursuit, Scattergories, Taboo, Monopoly, Risk
46. an original Nintendo, so I can play all the Super Mario games and Tetris

See? I didn't even ask for flowers. I'm low-maintenance like that.

Who says women are impossible to please? I only need 46 things to be happy.

What would your rider have on it?

Have a great weekend, everyone! I'll be escaping the cold down in Orlando. I'm sure something funny/embarrassing/strange will happen to me. I'll have a full report next Wednesday!

Thursday 13

What I Really Want for Christmas
(Because we can all dream, right? This is a list of stuff I know I won't be getting, no matter how much I hope and pray for them.)

1. A flat driveway. Totally. Flat.

2. Free, totally landscaped backyard, complete with goldfish pond, big grill and a patio.

3. A copy of Amy Sedaris's new book, I Like You:Hospitality Under the Influence. (I know no one is going to get this for me, which is why I almost bought it the other day. I am totally enamored with anything having to do with any member of the Sedaris family. For some reason, my friends and family don't seem to remember this.)*

4. A third bedroom so I can turn it into the home office of my dreams. If that is not possible, then I'd like to just have a big phat desk from Pottery Barn. I'll find a place to put it.

5. Two new tubes of the limited-edition Lancome Juicy Tubes lip gloss I lost. Strawberry Glaze and Pink Horizon are nowhere to be found. And they can't be purchased, either, as they are long gone from the makeup counters. Sounds stupid, but I am really upset about losing these!

6. A Honda. Any Honda. Anything other than my stupid General Motors P.O.S.

7. A griddle so I can make pancakes at home. (Why no one has ever thought to get me this, I don't know. I love breakfast. I love cooking. I love pancakes. Seems like a logical Christmas present to me.)

8. Free, instant and painless weight loss. Somewhere in the vicinity of 35 pounds. Actually, I'll settle for two of the three: free, instant or painless. Any combo.

9. An outrageously expensive iPod, capable of holding as many songs as I want, which will probably be in the 10,000 range. Preferably, this iPod would also be hot pink. Or mint green. And it would come with all the little accessories I'd need to listen to it at the gym, in my car or in my house.

10. Travel!!! An all-expense paid vacation to somewhere tropical. (Am I crazy for wanting to go alone? Who vacations alone? That's nuts, right?) If this is not possible, I'd like to have the financial freedom to spend next summer backpacking through Europe. (I would want to go with someone on this trip, though. Who's up for it?)

11. Another little dog. One who will keep Sammy out of my hair.

12. A gift certificate which would allow me to get one free manicure and pedicure each month, for the entire year.

13. I'm not saying what #13 is. That's between me and Santa. But I will say that it can't be bought in stores.

* I did, however, buy Ricky Gervais' new book, The World of Karl Pilkington and it is a scream. So if you liked the (original, British version) of the tv show, The Office, you will love this book. This weekend, you can find me on a plane, reading that book and laughing my ass off. Don't worry--when I'm done, you can borrow it.

Pics!

Now that I'm mostly settled, I thought I'd share some pics with y'all. It's still kinda messy...ok, it's really messy. I haven't put any pics up yet. I have stuff all over the floor. There are dirty dishes in my sink. None of this will change anytime before January.

This is what happens when you A) are busy, B) have no furniture to store things, C) are out of town a lot and D) have packrat tendencies.

That would make a good band name: Packrat Tendencies.

Anyway, here goes. It's not very exciting, but you can at least get an idea of how my paint turned out. And how badly I need to buy slipcovers! Ugh. That plaid has got to go.

My rug--looks like one I saw in Pottery Barn, so I'm stoked!!

Kitchen

Living Room

The pic that will one day go above my couch (Notice how well it matches my rug. This was not planned. But I love it when stuff works out like that, don't you?)

Aah, the front porch. Sure would be nice to sit out there today. Too bad it's friggin arctic here. High of 50? WTF?

Entryway (see the Samster?)

Same

This is supposed to be a dining area...but for now, it stores random crap

The bedside table I ganked from Czarina's barn. I luuuurve it. Note my super-cute pink flannel pjs on my bed. Can you see the little snowmen? I rocked out and got the pjs for $15. I heart Tar-zhay.

The "wall o furniture" which Czarina thinks should go. I'll get around to it one day.

Those were the most interesting. As if you haven't figured it out by now, photography is not my calling. Sometime next month, I should have a more photo-op kind of home. But for now, it's a little...raggedy looking.

Missed the "before" pics? Click here.

Oh! I almost forgot. Sammy has been getting cold lately, so we have been trying on some sweaters. If you ever want to laugh your ass off, try stuffing a 19 pound living animal into a turtleneck sweater they do not want to wear. This one here didn't work (too small) so I went to PetSmart and got him a cute red one. More pics to follow later.*



*Note: I am not one of those people who makes their dogs wear outfits. Sammy is cooler than that. But he seriously shivers for an hour after we go outside, and it makes me worry. He's got those big brown eyes, and he just looks up at me, shivering, and...well, you get the idea. The sweaters are purely functional. The cuteness is just a bonus.

It's That Time Again

It's time for family, fun, long lines, music, gifts, travel, menstruation and service with a smile. Yeah, this post is gonna be kinda random. Hang in there with me.

For good or for bad, the holidays are here. Where I work, that means we are really busy, thanks to end-of-semester exams. Which is fine. I understand. After all, I was once a college student. But I have to say, I am on the verge of screaming at someone.

The procrastinators and lazy students finally have a fire under their asses, and so they are swarming the library like bees. Unfortunately, since they've been slackers all semseter, they have no idea what they are doing, and so they are driving us crazy. They don't know how to find books, read books or tie their shoes. They don't have any knowledge of our computers or printing system, so they want us to hold their hands and do everything for them. Remember, we are getting the lazy slacker kids at this point in the semester.

Probably the most irritating thing to me is that they don't have any school supplies. I mean, how do you attend school and you have nothing to write with? WTF? Do you look in the mirror and call yourself an adult college student? Where did you read that the librarians will just give you floppy disks? What makes you think we would have report covers? Seriously, I just don't get this mentality. Students: there is this place called a "bookstore". Try it sometime. They have lots of handy stuff there. I swear to all things holy that if one more person asks me if they can borrow our glue, I might actually rip their head off. "Glue THAT, mofo!" I will scream. The library is not your own personal Staples, people. We don't even have glue, you numbnuts.

Ok, rant over. I feel better now.

I will feel a lot better when my new digital camera gets here. I'm supposed to allow 3 weeks for delivery, but it's been about 2 now, so I'm getting antsy. I'm also waiting on some boots from Victoria's Secret (an exchange of boots) and some deliveries from Amazon.com.

Check out what I got for my bedroom, courtesy of the gift certificate from The Dummy and Modigli:



Don't they have nice taste? They knew exactly what I wanted. *sigh* I love green. You probably already knew that.

Yesterday, the Christmas bug hit me, and I got four (yes, four) Christmas CDs. I burned one from Napster that has all my favorites on it. The Bing Crosby ones make me cry. (More evidence that I'm turning into Czarina) Other songs include: "Jingle Bell Rock", "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree", Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas" and Elvis' "Blue Christmas".

Then I went to Amazon.com to look for a hard-to-find Christmas album. I have been looking for it for a long time. It is my absolute favorite, because my dad and I used to listen to it: Ray Conniff's We Wish You a Merry Christmas. On the corniness scale, it's basically off the charts. In most of the songs, there is this cheesy peanut gallery in the background shouting, "Merry Christmas, everybody!" or "Hey, Guys! Let's decorate the Christmas tree! Yeah!" They sound like they've had entirely too much sugar and/or caffeine. You almost want to blow them away with a shotgun. And I love that. Because when it comes to holiday music, the goofier the better in my book.

I also got the soundtrack to one of my all-time favorite movies: Love, Actually. I highly recommend this movie and soundtrack. If you haven't seen it, run run run to the store, folks. It's a great Christmas movie. Although, not appropriate for kids. FYI. Unless you are ok with your kids watching people play body doubles for a porno.

So what did I do this weekend? It was pretty uneventful. Some Christmas shopping. Too much tv. Baked some pumpkin bread. Some furniture assembling. Yawn. But I did go out on Saturday night. Blonde and I ended up partying with a mutual friend of ours. We hadn't ever partied with her one-on-one, and she is a scream. We laughed our asses off all night. Any night a life-sized statue of Jack Daniel gets humped and molested is deemed a fun night in my book. So I will dub her Fun Girl. Later on, I saw Mack Daddy and the rest of the Wild Youngins, Cop 2's brother (The Quiet Man), RDG and even Repo as I was leaving to go home.

It was a full moon, what can I say?

Repo called me the next day and we caught up. The Quiet Man emailed me a very sweet email. Too sweet, actually. He apparently has the same tendencies as his brother....too bad. (Trust me on this. I can smell the clinginess and ickiness, practically. At this point, I am wondering if their mother hugged them as children. They are so...gushy. Ew. I do not come from a gushy family. I come from a family which totally represses its emotions, unless the emotion is anger. Gush makes my skin crawl.)

I found out that my brother, Fat Dog, is going to go to an all-expenses-paid trip to Honolulu next summer. Why? His senior paper on jet turbine engines (or something equally geeky like that) is being presented at some mechanical engineering conference, and his school wants him there to present it. He's always getting lucky breaks like this. To quote my coworker, he has "a horseshoe up his ass." Seriously, the coolest things happen to him. I wish it would rub off on me! Luck should be genetic...

Speaking of trips, I am going to Orlando on Saturday. Work conference. Woo hoo. It's actually kinda cold in Florida right now, so I don't know how much I will get to enjoy the weather. Still haven't decided if I will tell Big Ex I'm going to be in town. I don't really see the point. But I guess it would be good to see him. What do you think? Let sleeping dogs lie or meet up with an old boyfriend just for old times' sake? Remember that I am a lot fatter than the last time he saw me. Then again, I bet he is, too. I'm also going to see Party Girl, an old friend from college while I'm there.(I am really excited about this, actually! She used to be my partner in crime in college. She is 100% responsible for all of my stage/bar/tabletop dancing. The boob-flashing was all me. Kidding. Good times...)

Special note to my male readers: You are probably going to want to skip the next part. It deals with women's troubles. No, not men. Yes, I know we always complain that men are the problem. Just skip it, ok? Go down to the Men with Cramps part. We'll meet you there.

I got a very random email today, wanting to know if I'd be interested in entering an essay contest held by Always. As in the panty liners. Yeah. They are looking for essays discussing how you make your period happy. How you can turn a bad situation into a good one. Optimism in the face of menstruation, I guess. What on earth can you say? "You're no match for my cheery disposition, cramps!" or "Sometimes, when I'm menstruating, I feel sad. But then, I think about butterflies and puppies and it all goes away." I mean, the only good thing about being OTR is that you have license to be a total bitch. That's it. The end. They want me to write a 1,000 word essay about that? Who on earth would read it? Although, if they want me to share wacked-out stories of my bizarre hormonal behavior, I can write a book:

"The driver of the other car thought it would be ok with me if they pulled out in front of me. Little did they know that their brains and other internal organs would soon be smashed all over the pavement, as I stood nearby, laughing heartily. After throwing the cops off my path with my claim of "female troubles" affecting my memory of the car 'accident', I arrived home, grabbed a tub of chocolate ice cream from the freezer and turned on the television just in time to catch the end of Old Yeller, upon which I burst into total and uncontrollable sobbing. Then I ate the entire tub of ice cream in 20 minutes before taking a 7-hour nap. It was a wonderful day. I love being on my period."

Do they have a contest quota to meet? They must be hard up for participants if they're emailing me. No surprise there. Can you imagine putting that on your resume or college application? "Winner: Always Essay Contest-- How to Have a Happy Period" Can you imagine what the judges will be saying?

Judge #1: "I really liked this one about how she views her period as an art form!"
Judge #2: "No, no. The best one was the one where the woman said she commits one random act of kindness for every cramp she has. That takes real dedication."

Little do the judges know that those women are probably referring to some major ass-kickings they've inflicted upon ignorant people who irritate them just by breathing the same air? That in their own, hormone-juiced brains, they honestly believed that slapping that stranger until their nose bled was a charitable act which probably improved the nation as a whole?

The kicker are the prizes, which include a selection of Always products (because who doesn't want a big box of pads shipped to their house for free?) and $1,000 towards college expenses. Because apparently, only college students can have happy periods. The prize they should have would be this: "The winner of the contest will receive a free job from a hit man of our choosing, all fees, concealment, body disposal and taxes included." Now that would get them some essays.

Ironically, I found this website today: Men with Cramps. Maybe men need to think twice before giving us shit about our hormones? Maybe men should also be allowed to enter the Always contest? According to Dr. Quack here, men also get PMS. He's even linking major events in world history to this male PMS syndrome. What a genius he is. I mean, look at his hair. He's totally trustworthy. I smell Nobel Prize.

So let's all just remember the real meaning of the holiday spirit: brotherly love, peace and harmony on Earth. If reaching this goal involves some bloodshed or rage, it's probably because of all the people with PMS who are under a lot of pressure, trying to think of something to write for their essay. Unfortunately, none of us are safe, because you can't tell they're pissy until it's too late. So be careful out there, folks. Use your turn signals and don't ask librarians if you can borrow their hole puncher.
And as ticked off as you get around the holiday season, just remember that in this day and age, you never know who could be watching. So watch out, or you could end up on the Internet like this German kid:

Things I Learned Today

1. Haagen-Dazs is a made-up word.

2. Reduced fat peanut butter actually tastes like regular peanut butter. Schwing!

3. When a coworker brings in Krispy Kreme doughnuts, it is impossible to eat just one.

4. I could get snowed in when I go to Indy in two weeks, if I believe the Farmer's Almanac. Crap.

5. Mollies are these sort of jacket things that go over screws to give you more stability.

6. That sentence makes me giggle like a 7th grader. Because I am a big pervert.

7. Mollies are also known as anchors. But I think it's more fun to call them Mollies because you can say things like, "screw the Mollie into the wall" or "You have a screw? A Mollie would be good for that. Use a ribbed one, though." Tee hee.

8. Sam got engaged. Go tell her Congragulations. Note: She is N-O-T pregnant. Don't believe the hype.

9. Lots of guys seem to use myspace as a free dating service. At first, I was annoyed, but now I'm thinking they might be on to something. You can learn a lot about someone by reading their myspace page. You can see what they look like. You could even do a whole "Six Degrees of Myspace" thing and see if you have any mutual-mutual friends. There's no pressure like on dating sites, so you can message a lot and see pics before you have to meet the person in person. This concept could be interesting...hmmm...I will think about that as I assemble furniture, plant bulbs and hang shelves this weekend. If you have any information about myspace dating, please share with me. I'd like to hear stories. Because the random guys are getting cuter and cuter. And funnier...

10. See if you can guess what happens when a man is subjected to the following situations all at the same time:
*They have become librarians
*They honestly believe they can beat Google
*They have spent approximately 35% of their life playing video games
*They haven't gotten laid in at least 3 years, and therefore, are so incredibly horny and full of jizz that they are no longer able to stop themselves from inserting sexual innuendo into every conversation
*They think they are funny AND cool, when in reality, they are neither
*They have entirely too much time on their hands
*They have a major thing for sassy, hot Indian women

Can't guess? They create Ms. Dewey. Everyone at work (and by everyone I mean not me) is obsessed with this search engine. I played around with it before I got annoyed and closed it. She's really annoying, especially if you don't type anything in for a few minutes. I asked her why she's so annoying, and she got sassy with me. She thought my search for helicopters was fascinating. When I searched for "anal leakage", she informed me that farm animals don't even do that. Blah. After about 3 minutes, I was sick of her. But if you'd like to play with her, recommended searches include: cusswords, your first name, Ms. Dewey, anything resembling a porno title. Enjoy!

Have a good weekend!