Whorelando

Greetings, my wonderful readers! Just thought I'd update you on all of my travels. Here is what I thought about Orlando, or, as I like to call it, "Whorelando".

First of all, no one speaks English. So I got to hear a lot of what I assume is Spanish. Even though I had no idea what they were saying, it's a beautiful language. I wish I could say that about the clothing choices of the women. What is up with the skin-tight outfits and the boobs out everywhere? I mean, I firmly believe in the "if you've got it, flaunt it" mantra, but these girls took it to the extreme. If I was a guy, I'd want to move to Orlando. I saw more titty than a mammogram machine.

Speaking of guys...I did call The Big Ex to tell him I was coming to town, and he was really excited to see me, but unfortunately he was unable to meet up with me. Why? Well, it seems he got a DUI a few months ago. He can't drive anywhere. As soon as he told me, I thought, "Ok, now I'm starting to remember why you are one of my exes...." But we had a nice chat and caught up. He was really disappointed that he couldn't see me. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he still has feelings for me. He was being awfully sweet on the phone. And he asked a lot of questions about the whole Repo relationship. Why did he care? I don't know. But aside from the whole DUI thing, he's doing really well.

That might be the dumbest sentence I have ever written.

Other than that, I checked out their outlet malls (and I'm sorry, but 20% off is not outlet mall pricing, considering some of the stores were couture--Dior, Burberry, Dooney & Bourke etc.). It was the outlet mall for rich people. I guess they feel the need to pretend like they're poor. I did find an outlet bookstore and picked up 4 books for $20. Since I am both broke and a total nerd, this basically made my day.

The food was terrible. I didn't have a single good meal the whole time. But they were all free, so I really shouldn't be complaining. A small price to pay for sitting through World's Most Boring Convention.

Aside from the weather, the best part about the trip was the hotel where the conference took place. (Of course, with my luck, I didn't get to stay here. I had to stay at the average hotel around the corner. But oh well.) This place was incredible. There is a mini-mall inside this thing. At least 4 restaurants and even a Ben & Jerry's. I've never seen a hotel that big in my life. Then again, I don't get out much. After watching that Stephen King movie, Rose Red, the story about the mansion that "eats" people, I was terrified to walk around this place. I honestly believe I would never be seen again. The alligators would eventually find me and eat me. Yup, I said alligators. Inside the hotel. There were about 20 of them living in the little river that flowed through the atrium, and they looked like this:



Some pics of the inside--the atrium--was friggin massive:







This one shows the castle that is on the inside of the atrium, along with the rainforest, waterfalls, goldfish ponds and alligators pictured above:



The inside of the castle is sort of a mini-museum of real-life sunken treasure found by this guy off the coast of Key West. The boat was an old Spanish galleon, full of silver. The shop in the hotel sells originals and reproductions of the silver found on the boat. My dad bought me some pieces once when he went to Key West--they're pretty cool. You can read about the history and discovery of the Atocha here.

There was a big sailboat in a pool full of goldfish on the inside, too, but I couldn't find a picture of that. Maybe their website (see below) has one.

The pool was incredible:





And just in case you're curious, this is what the urinals looked like:



I swear, the stuff you find on the internet these days...


Seriously, though, if you want to see more, check it out in detail on their website.

On my last day, I did get a chance to have lunch with Party Girl, and it was so wonderful to see her. She told me about the trouble she and her boyfriend of 2 years are having (quick version: he married a girl he didn't know so he could get a green card, he wants to divorce her so he can marry Party Girl, but he can't get a divorce until he gets his green card). She updated me on some mutual college buddies, like Burger, who is an internationally-recognized salsa dancer and tours all over Europe, and Miami Girl, who is finishing up her last year of med school. It was great to see her and luckily, I will get to see her next week in Indy as well.

Tonight is the Christmas party for work, and I'm on the committee, so I gotta run.

I'll be in Indy starting on Saturday, so my posting will get kind of spotty, but I'll have a full report when I get back!

Oh, before I forget, two more things:

1. While I was gone, Sammy pooped in K's bed. Needless to say, she will be getting a very, very nice Christmas present from me this year. I guess he was mad at me for leaving, and decided to take it out on her. Cross your fingers he behaves while I'm in Indy.
2. I cut off all my hair. Ok, not all of it, but it's shoulder-length now. I like it. My coworkers say it makes me look younger, which sounds good to me.

Let's Pretend...

...that all this traveling I'm doing this month is actually because I'm mega-ultra famous, and I'm going on tour. I know I can't sing. Or dance. Or act. But I'm just famous, ok? Go with me on this one. It's fun. Besides, this is a good way to procrastinate on packing for Orlando.

I was reading over at Gypsy's blog yesterday, and she had the coolest post--her list of rider requirements if she were famous. Like her, I'm never going to be so high maintenance that I'd ask someone to pick out all the green M&Ms or anything like that. But if I were allowed, this is what I'd ask to be ready and waiting for me backstage or in my trailer:

1. chocolate twizzlers
2. sour mix jelly belly jellybeans
3. Milk Maid caramels (no other kind will do)
4. diet coke.
5. more diet coke. just tons of it.
6. ice
7. a huge glass out of which I will drink my diet coke--with a straw
8. Starbuck's vanilla lattes (I don't know how that will work, either. It's not my problem. I'm famous, remember?)
9. Camel lights -- at least 3 packs.
10. a lighter and a big ashtray
11. cable TV & a DVD player
12. a stereo so I can play my CDs if I want
13. a Henri Bendel candle from Bath and Body Works-- the Fig one.
14. a collection of recent issues of the following magazines: In Style, People, Country Living, Real Simple, Cosmo, Allure, Glamour
15. ten of my favorite movies on DVD so I can watch them when I want
16. Light Nacho Cheese Doritos
17. Lean Pockets -- Chicken Quesadilla flavor
18. a microwave to cook my "pockets of hot"
19. a bed and toys for Sammy
20. Cranberry-Raspberry juice (and I mean 100% juice. None of this cocktail crap.)
21. Roast beef, Dukes mayo, sliced cheddar and whole grain bread so I can make sandwiches
22. Yoplait light yogurt in Raspberry
23. a charger for my cell phone
24. a laptop with wireless internet (I told you I am really famous and important)
25. a soft pillow and polar fleece throw so I can take a nap on the couch they provide
26. Excedrin in case I get a headache
27. light cookies n cream ice cream in the fridge
28. spoon and dish for said ice cream
29. manicurist/pedicurist on call
30. anti-bacterial hand soap, my own private bathroom & clean towels
31. 'round the clock limo service
32. a masseuse (sp?) on call--he must be young, straight and hot as hell.
33. pulled pork and BBQ sauce from Sticky Fingers, along with hamburger buns so I can make BBQ sandwiches
34. oreos and milk, just in case I get a craving
35. a big order of Chik-fil-a's chicken nuggets, and ketchup to dip them in
36. the day's issue of the local paper, and a pen so I can do the crossword puzzle
37. a big fluffy robe and slippers
38. an iron and ironing board so I can iron my clothes if necessary
39. Raspberry-flavored sparkling water
40. macaroni and cheese
41. butter biscuits
42. a loaf of my mom's pumpkin bread
43. an elliptical machine so I can burn off all those calories! (Gah, am I food-obsessed or what??)
44. enough seating so that my entourage and I will have plenty of room to lounge around
45. board games: Trivial Pursuit, Scattergories, Taboo, Monopoly, Risk
46. an original Nintendo, so I can play all the Super Mario games and Tetris

See? I didn't even ask for flowers. I'm low-maintenance like that.

Who says women are impossible to please? I only need 46 things to be happy.

What would your rider have on it?

Have a great weekend, everyone! I'll be escaping the cold down in Orlando. I'm sure something funny/embarrassing/strange will happen to me. I'll have a full report next Wednesday!

Thursday 13

What I Really Want for Christmas
(Because we can all dream, right? This is a list of stuff I know I won't be getting, no matter how much I hope and pray for them.)

1. A flat driveway. Totally. Flat.

2. Free, totally landscaped backyard, complete with goldfish pond, big grill and a patio.

3. A copy of Amy Sedaris's new book, I Like You:Hospitality Under the Influence. (I know no one is going to get this for me, which is why I almost bought it the other day. I am totally enamored with anything having to do with any member of the Sedaris family. For some reason, my friends and family don't seem to remember this.)*

4. A third bedroom so I can turn it into the home office of my dreams. If that is not possible, then I'd like to just have a big phat desk from Pottery Barn. I'll find a place to put it.

5. Two new tubes of the limited-edition Lancome Juicy Tubes lip gloss I lost. Strawberry Glaze and Pink Horizon are nowhere to be found. And they can't be purchased, either, as they are long gone from the makeup counters. Sounds stupid, but I am really upset about losing these!

6. A Honda. Any Honda. Anything other than my stupid General Motors P.O.S.

7. A griddle so I can make pancakes at home. (Why no one has ever thought to get me this, I don't know. I love breakfast. I love cooking. I love pancakes. Seems like a logical Christmas present to me.)

8. Free, instant and painless weight loss. Somewhere in the vicinity of 35 pounds. Actually, I'll settle for two of the three: free, instant or painless. Any combo.

9. An outrageously expensive iPod, capable of holding as many songs as I want, which will probably be in the 10,000 range. Preferably, this iPod would also be hot pink. Or mint green. And it would come with all the little accessories I'd need to listen to it at the gym, in my car or in my house.

10. Travel!!! An all-expense paid vacation to somewhere tropical. (Am I crazy for wanting to go alone? Who vacations alone? That's nuts, right?) If this is not possible, I'd like to have the financial freedom to spend next summer backpacking through Europe. (I would want to go with someone on this trip, though. Who's up for it?)

11. Another little dog. One who will keep Sammy out of my hair.

12. A gift certificate which would allow me to get one free manicure and pedicure each month, for the entire year.

13. I'm not saying what #13 is. That's between me and Santa. But I will say that it can't be bought in stores.

* I did, however, buy Ricky Gervais' new book, The World of Karl Pilkington and it is a scream. So if you liked the (original, British version) of the tv show, The Office, you will love this book. This weekend, you can find me on a plane, reading that book and laughing my ass off. Don't worry--when I'm done, you can borrow it.

Pics!

Now that I'm mostly settled, I thought I'd share some pics with y'all. It's still kinda messy...ok, it's really messy. I haven't put any pics up yet. I have stuff all over the floor. There are dirty dishes in my sink. None of this will change anytime before January.

This is what happens when you A) are busy, B) have no furniture to store things, C) are out of town a lot and D) have packrat tendencies.

That would make a good band name: Packrat Tendencies.

Anyway, here goes. It's not very exciting, but you can at least get an idea of how my paint turned out. And how badly I need to buy slipcovers! Ugh. That plaid has got to go.

My rug--looks like one I saw in Pottery Barn, so I'm stoked!!

Kitchen

Living Room

The pic that will one day go above my couch (Notice how well it matches my rug. This was not planned. But I love it when stuff works out like that, don't you?)

Aah, the front porch. Sure would be nice to sit out there today. Too bad it's friggin arctic here. High of 50? WTF?

Entryway (see the Samster?)

Same

This is supposed to be a dining area...but for now, it stores random crap

The bedside table I ganked from Czarina's barn. I luuuurve it. Note my super-cute pink flannel pjs on my bed. Can you see the little snowmen? I rocked out and got the pjs for $15. I heart Tar-zhay.

The "wall o furniture" which Czarina thinks should go. I'll get around to it one day.

Those were the most interesting. As if you haven't figured it out by now, photography is not my calling. Sometime next month, I should have a more photo-op kind of home. But for now, it's a little...raggedy looking.

Missed the "before" pics? Click here.

Oh! I almost forgot. Sammy has been getting cold lately, so we have been trying on some sweaters. If you ever want to laugh your ass off, try stuffing a 19 pound living animal into a turtleneck sweater they do not want to wear. This one here didn't work (too small) so I went to PetSmart and got him a cute red one. More pics to follow later.*



*Note: I am not one of those people who makes their dogs wear outfits. Sammy is cooler than that. But he seriously shivers for an hour after we go outside, and it makes me worry. He's got those big brown eyes, and he just looks up at me, shivering, and...well, you get the idea. The sweaters are purely functional. The cuteness is just a bonus.

It's That Time Again

It's time for family, fun, long lines, music, gifts, travel, menstruation and service with a smile. Yeah, this post is gonna be kinda random. Hang in there with me.

For good or for bad, the holidays are here. Where I work, that means we are really busy, thanks to end-of-semester exams. Which is fine. I understand. After all, I was once a college student. But I have to say, I am on the verge of screaming at someone.

The procrastinators and lazy students finally have a fire under their asses, and so they are swarming the library like bees. Unfortunately, since they've been slackers all semseter, they have no idea what they are doing, and so they are driving us crazy. They don't know how to find books, read books or tie their shoes. They don't have any knowledge of our computers or printing system, so they want us to hold their hands and do everything for them. Remember, we are getting the lazy slacker kids at this point in the semester.

Probably the most irritating thing to me is that they don't have any school supplies. I mean, how do you attend school and you have nothing to write with? WTF? Do you look in the mirror and call yourself an adult college student? Where did you read that the librarians will just give you floppy disks? What makes you think we would have report covers? Seriously, I just don't get this mentality. Students: there is this place called a "bookstore". Try it sometime. They have lots of handy stuff there. I swear to all things holy that if one more person asks me if they can borrow our glue, I might actually rip their head off. "Glue THAT, mofo!" I will scream. The library is not your own personal Staples, people. We don't even have glue, you numbnuts.

Ok, rant over. I feel better now.

I will feel a lot better when my new digital camera gets here. I'm supposed to allow 3 weeks for delivery, but it's been about 2 now, so I'm getting antsy. I'm also waiting on some boots from Victoria's Secret (an exchange of boots) and some deliveries from Amazon.com.

Check out what I got for my bedroom, courtesy of the gift certificate from The Dummy and Modigli:



Don't they have nice taste? They knew exactly what I wanted. *sigh* I love green. You probably already knew that.

Yesterday, the Christmas bug hit me, and I got four (yes, four) Christmas CDs. I burned one from Napster that has all my favorites on it. The Bing Crosby ones make me cry. (More evidence that I'm turning into Czarina) Other songs include: "Jingle Bell Rock", "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree", Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas" and Elvis' "Blue Christmas".

Then I went to Amazon.com to look for a hard-to-find Christmas album. I have been looking for it for a long time. It is my absolute favorite, because my dad and I used to listen to it: Ray Conniff's We Wish You a Merry Christmas. On the corniness scale, it's basically off the charts. In most of the songs, there is this cheesy peanut gallery in the background shouting, "Merry Christmas, everybody!" or "Hey, Guys! Let's decorate the Christmas tree! Yeah!" They sound like they've had entirely too much sugar and/or caffeine. You almost want to blow them away with a shotgun. And I love that. Because when it comes to holiday music, the goofier the better in my book.

I also got the soundtrack to one of my all-time favorite movies: Love, Actually. I highly recommend this movie and soundtrack. If you haven't seen it, run run run to the store, folks. It's a great Christmas movie. Although, not appropriate for kids. FYI. Unless you are ok with your kids watching people play body doubles for a porno.

So what did I do this weekend? It was pretty uneventful. Some Christmas shopping. Too much tv. Baked some pumpkin bread. Some furniture assembling. Yawn. But I did go out on Saturday night. Blonde and I ended up partying with a mutual friend of ours. We hadn't ever partied with her one-on-one, and she is a scream. We laughed our asses off all night. Any night a life-sized statue of Jack Daniel gets humped and molested is deemed a fun night in my book. So I will dub her Fun Girl. Later on, I saw Mack Daddy and the rest of the Wild Youngins, Cop 2's brother (The Quiet Man), RDG and even Repo as I was leaving to go home.

It was a full moon, what can I say?

Repo called me the next day and we caught up. The Quiet Man emailed me a very sweet email. Too sweet, actually. He apparently has the same tendencies as his brother....too bad. (Trust me on this. I can smell the clinginess and ickiness, practically. At this point, I am wondering if their mother hugged them as children. They are so...gushy. Ew. I do not come from a gushy family. I come from a family which totally represses its emotions, unless the emotion is anger. Gush makes my skin crawl.)

I found out that my brother, Fat Dog, is going to go to an all-expenses-paid trip to Honolulu next summer. Why? His senior paper on jet turbine engines (or something equally geeky like that) is being presented at some mechanical engineering conference, and his school wants him there to present it. He's always getting lucky breaks like this. To quote my coworker, he has "a horseshoe up his ass." Seriously, the coolest things happen to him. I wish it would rub off on me! Luck should be genetic...

Speaking of trips, I am going to Orlando on Saturday. Work conference. Woo hoo. It's actually kinda cold in Florida right now, so I don't know how much I will get to enjoy the weather. Still haven't decided if I will tell Big Ex I'm going to be in town. I don't really see the point. But I guess it would be good to see him. What do you think? Let sleeping dogs lie or meet up with an old boyfriend just for old times' sake? Remember that I am a lot fatter than the last time he saw me. Then again, I bet he is, too. I'm also going to see Party Girl, an old friend from college while I'm there.(I am really excited about this, actually! She used to be my partner in crime in college. She is 100% responsible for all of my stage/bar/tabletop dancing. The boob-flashing was all me. Kidding. Good times...)

Special note to my male readers: You are probably going to want to skip the next part. It deals with women's troubles. No, not men. Yes, I know we always complain that men are the problem. Just skip it, ok? Go down to the Men with Cramps part. We'll meet you there.

I got a very random email today, wanting to know if I'd be interested in entering an essay contest held by Always. As in the panty liners. Yeah. They are looking for essays discussing how you make your period happy. How you can turn a bad situation into a good one. Optimism in the face of menstruation, I guess. What on earth can you say? "You're no match for my cheery disposition, cramps!" or "Sometimes, when I'm menstruating, I feel sad. But then, I think about butterflies and puppies and it all goes away." I mean, the only good thing about being OTR is that you have license to be a total bitch. That's it. The end. They want me to write a 1,000 word essay about that? Who on earth would read it? Although, if they want me to share wacked-out stories of my bizarre hormonal behavior, I can write a book:

"The driver of the other car thought it would be ok with me if they pulled out in front of me. Little did they know that their brains and other internal organs would soon be smashed all over the pavement, as I stood nearby, laughing heartily. After throwing the cops off my path with my claim of "female troubles" affecting my memory of the car 'accident', I arrived home, grabbed a tub of chocolate ice cream from the freezer and turned on the television just in time to catch the end of Old Yeller, upon which I burst into total and uncontrollable sobbing. Then I ate the entire tub of ice cream in 20 minutes before taking a 7-hour nap. It was a wonderful day. I love being on my period."

Do they have a contest quota to meet? They must be hard up for participants if they're emailing me. No surprise there. Can you imagine putting that on your resume or college application? "Winner: Always Essay Contest-- How to Have a Happy Period" Can you imagine what the judges will be saying?

Judge #1: "I really liked this one about how she views her period as an art form!"
Judge #2: "No, no. The best one was the one where the woman said she commits one random act of kindness for every cramp she has. That takes real dedication."

Little do the judges know that those women are probably referring to some major ass-kickings they've inflicted upon ignorant people who irritate them just by breathing the same air? That in their own, hormone-juiced brains, they honestly believed that slapping that stranger until their nose bled was a charitable act which probably improved the nation as a whole?

The kicker are the prizes, which include a selection of Always products (because who doesn't want a big box of pads shipped to their house for free?) and $1,000 towards college expenses. Because apparently, only college students can have happy periods. The prize they should have would be this: "The winner of the contest will receive a free job from a hit man of our choosing, all fees, concealment, body disposal and taxes included." Now that would get them some essays.

Ironically, I found this website today: Men with Cramps. Maybe men need to think twice before giving us shit about our hormones? Maybe men should also be allowed to enter the Always contest? According to Dr. Quack here, men also get PMS. He's even linking major events in world history to this male PMS syndrome. What a genius he is. I mean, look at his hair. He's totally trustworthy. I smell Nobel Prize.

So let's all just remember the real meaning of the holiday spirit: brotherly love, peace and harmony on Earth. If reaching this goal involves some bloodshed or rage, it's probably because of all the people with PMS who are under a lot of pressure, trying to think of something to write for their essay. Unfortunately, none of us are safe, because you can't tell they're pissy until it's too late. So be careful out there, folks. Use your turn signals and don't ask librarians if you can borrow their hole puncher.
And as ticked off as you get around the holiday season, just remember that in this day and age, you never know who could be watching. So watch out, or you could end up on the Internet like this German kid:

Things I Learned Today

1. Haagen-Dazs is a made-up word.

2. Reduced fat peanut butter actually tastes like regular peanut butter. Schwing!

3. When a coworker brings in Krispy Kreme doughnuts, it is impossible to eat just one.

4. I could get snowed in when I go to Indy in two weeks, if I believe the Farmer's Almanac. Crap.

5. Mollies are these sort of jacket things that go over screws to give you more stability.

6. That sentence makes me giggle like a 7th grader. Because I am a big pervert.

7. Mollies are also known as anchors. But I think it's more fun to call them Mollies because you can say things like, "screw the Mollie into the wall" or "You have a screw? A Mollie would be good for that. Use a ribbed one, though." Tee hee.

8. Sam got engaged. Go tell her Congragulations. Note: She is N-O-T pregnant. Don't believe the hype.

9. Lots of guys seem to use myspace as a free dating service. At first, I was annoyed, but now I'm thinking they might be on to something. You can learn a lot about someone by reading their myspace page. You can see what they look like. You could even do a whole "Six Degrees of Myspace" thing and see if you have any mutual-mutual friends. There's no pressure like on dating sites, so you can message a lot and see pics before you have to meet the person in person. This concept could be interesting...hmmm...I will think about that as I assemble furniture, plant bulbs and hang shelves this weekend. If you have any information about myspace dating, please share with me. I'd like to hear stories. Because the random guys are getting cuter and cuter. And funnier...

10. See if you can guess what happens when a man is subjected to the following situations all at the same time:
*They have become librarians
*They honestly believe they can beat Google
*They have spent approximately 35% of their life playing video games
*They haven't gotten laid in at least 3 years, and therefore, are so incredibly horny and full of jizz that they are no longer able to stop themselves from inserting sexual innuendo into every conversation
*They think they are funny AND cool, when in reality, they are neither
*They have entirely too much time on their hands
*They have a major thing for sassy, hot Indian women

Can't guess? They create Ms. Dewey. Everyone at work (and by everyone I mean not me) is obsessed with this search engine. I played around with it before I got annoyed and closed it. She's really annoying, especially if you don't type anything in for a few minutes. I asked her why she's so annoying, and she got sassy with me. She thought my search for helicopters was fascinating. When I searched for "anal leakage", she informed me that farm animals don't even do that. Blah. After about 3 minutes, I was sick of her. But if you'd like to play with her, recommended searches include: cusswords, your first name, Ms. Dewey, anything resembling a porno title. Enjoy!

Have a good weekend!

Thursday 13

Thirteen Reasons I'm Going to Hell

1. I honked at a little old man yesterday. Twice. Because he wouldn't turn right on red. I freaking hate old people.

2. I was slightly rude to the door-to-door financial planner that interrupted my watching of the Tyra Banks episode of Driven this morning. Why don't they hear me when I say, "Thanks, but I already have a 401(k)."? Don't they realize that if I were interested in their services, I probably would have contacted them myself?

3. I cuss. A lot. Constantly. If I'm not saying it out loud, I'm saying it in my head. And I never really make any attempt at cleaning up my act. Because I don't really care.

4. When I was six, I was in line at the grocery store. I wanted The Czarina to buy me this lollipop that doubled as a whistle, because I thought it was the coolest thing ever. She wouldn't get it for me, and I pitched a fit. So when she wasn't looking, I stole two of them--a grape one and a red one (strawberry, I think). When we got home, I hid under her bed and ate them as fast as I could so I wouldn't get busted. But you see, I'm stupid because the whole reason I wanted the lollipop was because it was a whistle. And since I was in hiding, I couldn't test out the whistle feature. Dumbass.

I have never told anyone that story before in my whole life!

5. I had this really annoying German teacher in high school. She used to talk to us like we were kindergarteners. So irritating. Anyway, she was kind of stupid about answer keys, and she would always leave them laying around. So we used to run up to the front of the room whenever she'd leave, and copy down all the answers. I cheated on several quizzes. [Note in my defense: I would have aced the quizzes anyway. I was a German whiz. I cheated because I wanted to get back at her for being so annoying. Which was dumb, because I really should have been cheating on my math quizzes, which I flunked repeatedly.]

6. Ok, this one is really hard to admit. And again, I've never told anyone this story before. I really am going to hell for this one, you guys. I've had more guilt over this than anything else I've ever done. When I was in high school, I was dating this guy. For Christmas, he got me two little birds. At the time, I loved them. But once he and I broke up, their constant chirping began to grate on my nerves. They were feathered reminders of a failed relationship. So I sorta.....kinda..."forgot" to feed them. You have no idea how terrible I feel about this to this day. That was just w-r-o-n-g. Feel free to beat my ass over this one.

7. I know all the lyrics to Li'l Kim's Hard Core album. Her lyrics would make a porn star blush. I sing the songs at the top of my lungs because I love them. When it comes to lyrics, the dirtier the better in my book.

8. I haven't been to church in......shit, a long ass time.

9. I cheated on this guy once. The Big Ex. I've talked about him a few times. He lives in Florida. Well...I kinda cheated. We hadn't officially had "The Talk" where you decide if you're going to be exclusive or not. So technically, I was still a free agent when my cute neighbor came along and hit on me. I was kind of annoyed at Big Ex for dragging his feet in the relationship, so in a way, I was getting back at him. (I'm noticing a revenge theme in this post...scary...) But he was really, really hurt when he found out. I learned a very important lesson: Communication is the key that makes relationships work. Also, guys have feelings, too. I was out of line, big time. I will never, ever do that again. It was a mess. I still feel terrible about that.

10. Did I mention that when he confronted me about it, I lied to him? Yeah, because what I did wasn't bad enough. I had to add lying to it. Not one of my proudest moments. Especially because I'm a terrible liar. I don't think I've lied to anyone since, actually.

11. When I was in college, I went to a party and met this really cute guy. Then I found out one of my friends, MD, liked him, too. So I never flirted with the guy. (I go by a policy of "dibs" when it comes to my friends and guys. He was off-limits in my book.) Then, I ran into him at a party. I was with a mutual friend and we went over to say hi to him. He asked where MD was, and my friend said, "Oh, you know MD! She's on a date with some guy." I thought that was kinda sudden, because MD was pretty crazy about this guy. But I had no reason not to believe what she said. So, I figured, the guy was fair game and I ended up hooking up with him that night. It was only after the fact that I learned my friend was kidding about what she said and MD was actually crazy about the guy...and she heard through the grapevine what I had done. Oops. She was pretty pissed at me.

12. When I was in high school, my family used to vacation every summer at The Outer Banks of North Carolina. We loved Duck. I highly recommend this as a family vacation spot. Anyway, one year I met this guy who was a good 7-8 years older than me. He was really hot. He was in college. He was every 14 year old girl's dream. I stayed out with him, making out all night long and didn't come home until 5am. My parents had no idea where I was and they were completely freaking out. They were about to call the cops! Those hickeys I had on my neck didn't help, either...I was grounded for a loooooong time for that one. I can't believe I did that to my wonderful, loving parents. I'm such an asshole!

13. Ok, I'm sure there's something that should go here. I just can't think of it right now.

So, anyone joining me in the land of fire and brimstone? Why are you going to hell?

Leftovers

Ok, so I am really surprised that my neurotic thoughts about loofahs would inspire such a popular post. Y'all are as crazy as I am. When I was home for Thanksgiving, I asked The Czarina what to do about it. Her recommendation? Soak it in rubbing alcohol for a few minutes before using it. Oh. Right. That would totally work. No risk of melting.

So that will be my solution for now. Apparently, I need to share more of my craziness with y'all. You eat it up. On that note, I have some unanswered questions from my "Ask Me Anything" post. Here goes.

rwa wants to know why I claim to have poor taste in music. I guess I say that because everyone tells me I do. I listen to a lot of rap and hip-hop. It constitutes about 70% of my CD collection. To some people, that is bad music. But I like it. I don't really care that they don't play instruments (like Fat Dog argues) or that they aren't actually singing. If it has a good beat and is fun to dance/sing to, I'll like it. I also listen to alternative rock, Motown, bluegrass, 80s, Big Band, Sinatra, Billie Holliday and Classic Rock. So I'm somewhat all over the map. I just lean a little.

Stephanie wants to know who would play me in a movie. I'm going to have to go with Renee Zellweger. I really like her and I think she's a good actress. She looks enough like me that I think it would work. If she's not available, I'm going to have to go with Reese Witherspoon. She's Type-A and seems smart and sassy to me. I like that. I can identify with that. Some people would disagree with both of these choices and say that Jewel needs to play me, because to a lot of people, I look like her. I don't see it all that much, but whatever.

Petra wants to know why I don't like socks. Maybe it's because I have freakishly long toes? I don't know. It really doesn't make sense because my feet are always cold. You'd think I'd be #1 fan of socks. But they feel...constricting. And if my feet get hot, then they really bug me. That's worse than cold feet. So wearing them to bed is just...ew. My feet like to be free, I guess. I'd wear flip-flops every day if I could. Sometimes, if I am truly freezing my ass off, I will wear them.

I am kind of surprised at the lack of nosiness, guys. I thought for sure someone would ask something juicy. But socks? And recipes? Wow, you let me off easy.

Ok, time for a shout-out to The Dummy and Modigli!!! They sent me a gift certificate as a house-warming gift. How freakin' cool are they??? I am not fishing for presents, y'all. Just wanted to give them a big thanks here on ye olde blog. They are too sweet.

Of course, if you are just dying to send me something, you can email me at...

Kidding.

Isn't that the coolest thing about blogs? You meet people you never meet in real life (well, ok, usually you never meet them) and they become friends, acquaintances, people you can confide in. I love it. It really is a supporting environment. I love you guys. *gush*

Topic change before I barf. My camera isn't here yet. I'm getting antsy. I will take lots of pics for y'all when it gets here. Hopefully, my house will be a little more squared away before it gets here. Wanna see what I've bought so far? Of course you do.

This will serve as a bedside table/file cabinet. Gotta love double-duty furniture you can grab from your local Hell-Mart. I didn't get this color, though. I got a dark wood finish, and for a much better price. For some reason it's not on their website. Anyway, I will be putting it together tonight, and probably cussing the whole time.

In my hometown is this super duper cute store. It is full of adorable things for your home. The Czarina, Aunt Awesome and I went there over the holiday. I got a mirror that looks like this one. It will go in my bedroom. I heart it.


Czarina bought me a decorative storage box. It looks a lot like these.



She got me a rug for my living room, which matches my pale blue and chocolate brown colors. There is no way to describe it, so you'll just have to wait for my camera to arrive. She also got me some fabric for a bedskirt she will make me. Again, you'll have to wait for my camera for pics. Czarina is awesome. And I got all my Christmas presents early! Woo-hoo!

After shopping, I got to dig around in the barn. At my mom's house, all the extra furniture and junk is stored in this barn she and WLF built. (We have a lot of extra furniture, it's a long story.) I found: another bedside table, a big, copper ham cooker which I will use as a planter on my porch, a large framed print to put above my couch, a set of decorative dishes to use for company, and my grandmother's old suitcase. I guess it's the one she took on her honeymoon, so it has sentimental value. I think I will store linens in it or something. Maybe I'll just let it be decorative...?

This is what the copper ham cooker looks like:

And the suitcase looks just like this one:


I'll have to take pictures of everything so you can really see it all. But first, I have to hang pictures and clean up the mess! My next major task is to install some of these over a desk:



Then I put down some shelves and voila! The end of all my office clutter. I still need a desk, though...oh well. I guess I'll get there eventually, right?

I have to buy Christmas presents first. Fungus is graduating college in a couple of weeks. So he gets two presents. You know that person in your family who is impossible to shop for? That's Fungus. Now I am doubly stumped. I have to come up with two genius gifts. Any ideas for a good graduation present/Christmas present? He's 23 and is going to D.C. for an internship right when he graduates. Czarina is getting him "real job" clothes. She recommended getting him a tie. Gee, how exciting. I am thinking some kind of guide to D.C.-- for the budget-conscious. Kinda like this. But that still leaves me one present short...

Cute Neighbor update: You know I have a friendly cute neigbor, right? I think I mentioned it. Anyway, I am thinking he might be off the market. Some girl (with a baby) came over to his house last night for dinner. She (and I am assuming the baby as well) left around 11pm. When I got up this morning, the Friendly Cute Neighbor's car was gone, too. Did he spend the night at her house? Could it be a baby mama? Or an ex? A fiancee who lives out of town and therefore cannot come over a lot? A single-mom girlfriend who works a lot? I am going to go with: It's his sister. It's possible, right? Maybe he had to go into work really, really early....ok. Maybe not. Maybe he has cute friends....dammit. In any case, she doesn't live there, so they can't be that close.

Ok, I have to go to lunch now. Hope everyone had wonderful Thanksgivings! I know I did. Anything concerning pumpkin pie and green bean casserole is good with me! I love Aunt Awesome. It was so good to see her. She brought all these yummy snacks and told us about her new, unique job working for this organization. Other than shopping and talking and lots of Trivial Pursuit, we all just ate and ate. So I had a great trip.

Am I a Freak?

I know you are all saying "yeah" or "duh" or "yeah you are, you nasty girl! I know you like it like that!" right now. Ha ha. Very funny. But while I'm waiting for your *ahem* questions (see last post if you don't know what I'm talking about), I will give you a glimpse into how weird I am.

I have a dilemma. And I'm worried that no one else in the universe worries about this. Hence the freakdom paranoia.

You know those bath sponge thingies? The ones you use for shower gel? The ones like this:


Well, you see, I am kind of a germ-o-phobe. My roommate would beg to differ, but really, in some ways, I am. And I have problems with the delivery system of shower loofahs in this country. They probably come in some big cardboard box, and are loaded into bins by the (what I imagine to be) dirty, dirty hands of the Big Box Store workers**. Not that I don't appreciate what they do. I do. But what do shoppers such as yourself do? You dig through the bin, grab the loofah that comes in your favorite color (which may or may not have been rolling around on the floor a few hours ago), put it somewhere in one of those grocery carts (you know, the ones that haven't been cleaned since you were in 3rd grade and are now covered in 17.6 billion germs, some of which came from the poopy diapers of toddlers). Then, it gets handled again by the cashier (who has been handling money all day and probably doesn't wash her hands very often**) after rolling on down the leaky-milk and bloody-ground-beef juice encrusted conveyer belt to her scanner. It is scanned and then put into a plastic bag. Then, you take it home and stick it in your shower so you can wash up with it the next morning, right?

Please tell me you don't. Because I'm getting grossed out just typing that paragraph. Please tell me you have some kind of ingenious method of avoiding all those germs. Do you sterilize your loofah?

My strategy (up until yesterday) was to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond because they sold their loofahs in enclosed packages. No one touched my loofahs other than me. Nothing disgusting leaked onto them because they were encased in a protective plastic tube of sterile joy. It made bathtime oh so fun. I could relax knowing that the only germs on my sponge were my own.

But yesterday my happy little germ-free world came crashing to the ground. BB&B has now joined the ranks of the other Big Box Stores, and now only sells the loofahs individually, out loose in the open. Like wild animals, they roam free. They are Free Range Loofahs. Free to be drooled on by grabbing toddlers when Mommy isn't looking*, free to be kicked under a shelving unit only to be found months later with dust bunnies all over it, free to be crawled on by any number of large hairy insects, free to fall on the floor, free to be handled by any number of strangers who have just picked their noses. Ugh.

So I didn't buy one yesterday, obviously. I was too grossed out. I will just use my current stranger-germ-free loofah until it falls apart. Then I will go back to washcloths. This is the only solution I've come up with.

Does anyone else think about this stuff? Or am I nuts? Can I sterilize the Free Range Loofahs somehow? Anyone know of a place where I can get un-germy loofahs?

Don't even get me started on the shampoo/conditioner/shaving cream bottles. I wipe them down with disinfectant spray when I get home. THEN I put them in the shower. Think about how many germs those things must have come into contact with. Think about it, folks. Gah, it keeps me up at night.

Somewhere, there is a treatment center for people like me....

** I am not implying anything about Big Box Store workers. I'm sure most of them lead normal and generally sanitary lifestyles and wash their hands all the time. It's just that I've never actually witnessed any of them doing anything I would describe as "sanitary behavior". I mean, come on, have you ever gotten to the front of the check-out line, only to hear the cashier say, "You know what? My hands are covered in any number of disgusting germs that may make you sick. I'm going to run to the sparkling clean public bathroom we have here at our store real quick so I can thoroughly wash my hands in hot, soapy water before I touch your stuff. K?"

* I am not implying anything about mothers in general, just the ones who aren't watching when Little Timmy grabs stuff and starts putting it into his mouth. Those Moms put the loofah right back where Timmy got it, covered in drool. Ew. I am not implying that these moms are bad mothers, just that they don't understand my germ-o-phobe mentality. Which is fine. I guess it's hard to stay germophobic when you're a mom. I'll understand one day, probably. But that day is not today.

Ok, back to waiting for your nosy questions...*taps foot impatiently*

A Big Yawn

To the bloggers whose blogs I read: I have been trying to read your blogs this weekend, but my computer is on the floor right now, which makes reading and typing very uncomfortable. Lying on my stomach gives me a headache and leaning on my elbows to type gives me rug burn on my elbows. (Do you see the sacrifices I make? Now that is love, people!) I will hopefully be getting an actual desk sometime soon. Then I will be doing a lot more blog reading from home.

The good news is, this week will be dead at work, so I will be doing a LOT of reading! Yay! So for Anne, Sam, Mo, Ster, Stephanie, Sassafras, NML, Vixen and anyone else I've forgotten--coming soon to a blog near you: my comments!

Guess what I bought? This. Woo-hoo! Can't wait until it gets here for the holidays. And I got a good deal on it-- $180 + shipping. This means I will have WAY more pics on my blog, too.

I did absolutely nothing this weekend. Yeah, I am officially boring. I didn't go out, I didn't see anyone other than my dog and my roommate. How exciting. I guess that's the end of my blog, right? Kidding. I have lots more bitching and craziness to share.

I haven't even told you the story of The Time My Brother Was Green yet.

Or the story of My Valentine's Day Revenge.

Or My Smallest Small-World Moment Ever.

Or about the other ex who found me on myspace.

Or The Craziest College Night I Ever Had.

See? I have so much more to share.

Unfortunately, that day is not today. It's too hard to type like this. Sorry, folks.

Wait, let me back up. One thing happened this weekend. My roommate did call me at 2am Saturday night to ask me to come and pick her up. It seems she was out with some buddies and they decided to take the truck they were riding in and do doughnuts in the parking lot of a car dealership. Because that's what mature 25 year-olds (and 31 year-olds) do, right? I guess that when they did this one doughnut, they hit the curb and managed to blow out the tire. And the spare had some kind of a lock on it. The owner didn't have the key with him, so they couldn't put the spare on. So I got to pick him, his buddy and my roommate up at 2am. The guys crashed on our couch and figured out what to do in the morning.

I really didn't mind picking them up all that much, because they were so embarrassed that it was just funny by the time I got there. They were really proud of themselves this morning, let me tell ya! I will be able to tease them for weeks about this. Of course, they were pretty hung over as well.

Aside from that, I shopped all weekend for house stuff. You know how it is when you move--things that stored fine at the old place suddenly have nowhere to go at the new place, so you have to get organizationally creative. So I wasn't buying very fun things. I actually spent Saturday night putting together a bathroom storage cabinet.

Ok, I have to stop right here, because this is the most boring post I think I've ever written EVER. To make it more interesting, how about this:

Go ahead. Ask me anything. This is your chance to ask me whatever--that little thing that you've wondered about me. This is your chance to ask. Think of it as a big "thank you!" for reading my blog. Now you get to be nosy. I love it when other bloggers do this, so I know you do, too. Oh, and before you ask, no, I won't put up a pic of what I look like. You'll just have to imagine that I look like...Charlize Theron. Or something.

Note: I reserve the right to ignore sick, perverted or otherwise inappropriate questions. Especially if they come from anonymous readers. Questions from lurkers are especially welcome, as I have no idea what y'all are thinking because you never comment! (Which is fine, btw! I'm just curious...)

Can't think of a question? Here are some ideas to get you started. I have a huge, eccentric family. I love to travel. I am boy crazy. I dislike socks. I am obsessed with my dog--so much that I ordered some address return labels with his picture on them.( Oh yes, I am that girl.) I have bad taste in music. I work in a library. I fear crickets. Uh...ok, that's all I've got right now.

Let the questions begin...go on. Ask. You know you want to. I'll try and answer them before I leave for Thanksgiving on Tuesday afternoon.

Cake Class Girl & The General

I posted a (late) Thursday 13 below, btw. Go read it. I'll wait....

So after our last cake decorating class, four of us went to grab some Mexican food. We had all sat near each other in class, so we had bummed powdered sugar and borrowed icing tips from each other. We gossiped and chatted each week while we frosted our cakes. We had complimented each others' cakes and laughed with each other when our icing clowns melted or when our roses withered. They were really nice, and they are one of the main reasons why I really had fun in the class.

We had fun talking and eating over Mexican, too. The adorable girl from my cake class (I'll call her Cake Class Girl) and I exchanged numbers, so we will hang out soon. Yay! Did I tell you that she's actually a professionally trained chef? As in, graduated from culinary school? Yeah. That is so cool. She is so nice. One of those incredibly nice people. There should be more people like that in the world.

I only have one hesitation: I think she may be a Bible-beater. Which is fine. I just hope she isn't one of the ones who cannot talk about anything else. Because that gets old. Don't get me wrong-- I go to church sometimes. I believe in God and Jesus. I pray, and I try to lead a Christian lifestyle. I'm not very good at it.....and this girl makes me feel like lightning will strike me at any minute....so we will see. She may have just come off like that because we did talk about what church we all go to as we were eating. It could have just been a conversation tangent.

I probably just pissed off some people just now....but oh well. It was bound to happen one day.

Oh. Before I forget. In the past few weeks, I have received news that two of my friends have gotten engaged. One is part of my group of friends I like to call "The Nurses", although, like me, she isn't a nurse. This is her 4th engagement. She has been dating the guy for a whopping 6 weeks. Place your bets now....I'm so mean, aren't I? I think she's a nice person. I really do. But the girl has some issues for your tissues. (I should start calling her that, actually!) She is beautiful, I will say that. She's definitely the prettiest one of all of us. It's really not very surprising that she's had 4 different rings on her hand. But she is apparently a runaway bride! And just between you and me, her fiancee gives me the creeps. He's just a little too friendly with her girlfriends, if you ask me....

What is with me today? I'm being a bitch.

Anyway, the other person is Kermit, the German Nurse's brother. He's getting married to a very pretty girl. I've met her once. She seems ok. I wasn't blown away by her or anything, but then again, I don't really know her. He seems happy and excited, so that's what matters. They are getting married around April.

Now for my story.

Time: Fall 1999 (?) -- I think...
Place: Indian University, Bloomington, IN
Note: This story took place before I became the sports fan I am today.

I was either a sophomore or junior in college. A few weeks previously, my sorority had gone to a nearby school to party with a fraternity for the weekend. Being sorority girls, we had tshirts made. We called the event Shack Attack. The back of the tshirt read: "I shacked with ______ " and you were supposed to fill in the name of some guy/girl, I guess. Of course, no one wanted to actually put a name there, so everyone left it blank.

Except me.

You see, I had no game, even then, and I ended up falling asleep, alone, on the couch in the front hall. In the morning, I was awakened by something warm and soft...and slobbery. It was the house dog, and he was licking my face. Yuck. I got up and asked one of the brothers what the dog's name was. He replied, "The General."

As a joke, I put that down as the person I "shacked" with. So the back of my t-shirt said, "I shacked with The General."

Flash forward 6 months. I am with some girlfriends and we make a late-night run to Denny's as an exam week study break. I'm wearing the t-shirt. I am sitting with my back to an empty table. As we are dining, a group of guys comes in and sits down at that table.

I was enjoying my meal, when I realized the guys were snickering at us. It kept getting louder and they seriously would not knock it off! Annoyed, I asked my girlfriend, "What is their problem?" and she replied, "VB, that's the entire Indiana men's basketball team. And your shirt says you shacked up with their coach."

"Oh."

Thursday 13

Thirteen Things I'm Happy About Right Now

1. I get to go home and see my family next week. I'm very homesick. And ready for my fam's delicious, homemade traditional meal. My fave? Greenbean casserole. Fat Dog and I fight over it every year.

2. While I am there, I get to see my Aunt Awesome (as opposed to my super-cool, yet frigid Aunt European). I heart her. She embodies all the warmth, silliness and laid-back attitude that Czarina lacks. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but sometimes she can be very....German.

3. Czarina is taking me furniture shopping, too. Woo-hoo! (I think she specifically used the word "rug" in our discussion. This is good.)

4. My dishwasher works now. Hooray for men who can fix stuff! Sometimes, a little plumber's crack is worth it. (Seriously, the plumber did indeed have plumber's crack.)

5. My cracked shower wall will also be fixed soon, and they don't have to take the tub unit out. The repair will take 5 minutes.

6. None of these repairs is costing me a dime.

7. I found a kick-ASS consignment store this week. I got a pair of Gap jeans, a virtually new pair of Ann Taylor Loft pants, a sweater from NY & Co. and a gorgeous, 3/4 sleeve tweed jacket from Arden B. for ....(drumroll, please)...$92. I love consignment shopping...

8. We have this awesome radio station here in town. It's called Steve-FM. It is the best. Check out what I was jamming to on the way to work yesterday:
White Wedding -- Billy Idol
Don't Stop til You Get Enough -- Michael Jackson
(This One Goes Out) To the One I Love -- R.E.M.
What You're Thinking -- Information Society*

Anyway, they don't have DJs, which I love, because talk radio annoys me. So it's just music and commercial breaks. They play....well, really whatever. If you want to listen to it on the Internet, go to their website. Try it. Maybe you'll like it.

9. Sammy has started sleeping up by my face as opposed to down by my feet. I can only take this as a sign of increased affection on his part.

10. I got my Christmas bonus check today!!! And it was very nice!!!! YESSSSS!!!

11. IU Basketball season has started!!!!

12. I think I have lost a teeny-tiny bit of weight.

13. I leave for Indianapolis in exactly one month.

* I provide a link to the lyrics in case you don't know what song I'm talking about. You'll recognize the "pure energy" echo in the background!

VB's 1st B-Day

Yay! Happy 1st Birthday to my blog! It was actually last Saturday, but I have been busy with moving and stuff. So to those of you who have been with me for a year (um...I think that is Dating Dummy...and that's about it!) I will say "thank you!" and to those of you who are newer readers, I say "thank you and welcome." But no matter if you just discovered me last week or last year, I am always surprised and glad to see that random people I (usually) don't even know come here, read and are interested enough to leave comments. I am feeling the love.

Let's see...where was I a year ago? What has changed now? I have a dog, a house, some new friends, some cake decorating skillz (see photo above*), some bad dates under my belt, another ex-boyfriend, a new driver's license and loads more life experience. I have learned a lot in the last year, and I hope you have enjoyed going along with me. I am grateful to have readers, and I have loved your comments and blogs, too.

Ok, enough cheesiness. How about a shot of my gorgeous basket-weaving skillz?

Check that out. I know you are hungry now, especially knowing that lurking beneath that white frosting is a deliciously moist chocolate cake. Yummm....

Looking at that now, I see that I have to work on my basketweave...but I digress...

I'm in a much better mood today. Thank you everyone for your kind and supportive comments. It's not like I feel I don't have any friends. Good grief, I never met a stranger in my life. I love my friends. I have just been feeling that need to have someone to lean on and vent to. Someone to help me do stuff. (And please, MJ & Stuckey, please don't think I am not grateful for all you do! You guys are a big help!) I am just ready for someone to share my life with--and I don't necessarily mean in a marriage-related way. I'm just tired of doing everything by myself! If I had a super-best girlfriend, I would have what I need. (Of course, a super-best boyfriend would also fit the bill, but they don't exactly fall from the sky, you know. Friends are a lot easier to find.)

I think I'm just bummed because I miss Lady Starfish very, very much. And I'm starting to get worried about her. I'm also really homesick. I think that all this, combined with the stress of moving has left me feeling kind of tired and sad.

It may have played a role in the fact that I called in sick yesterday. I felt like crap-- migraine and an upset tummy. Blech. The hardest part was laying on my couch, looking around at all the stuff I needed to do, and not feeling well enough to do it! Argh. I hate it when I'm not productive.

Instead, I watched an Indiana University basketball game I had recorded (thanks, DVR!). We beat Lafayette, but then last night we lost to Butler University, which, if you are from the Indy area, is kind of an insult. But it's a building year. We have a new coach, so it should be an exciting season, at the very least. Like The General, he has already managed to stir up some controversy. Maybe it's a school tradition!

Speaking of The General, did you hear about his latest controversy? You can read about it here.

I did get some good news today: At my closing, they overcharged me on my homeowner's insurance, so I am owed $85! Woo-hoo! The other good news is that the builder is coming over tomorrow to talk to me about replacing my cracked shower wall and my dishwasher. I tried to wash some dishes, but no water is coming out. (And before you ask, yes, I turned the valve under the sink.)

I had some more stuff to tell you...but I'm kinda tired now from cleaning up the old apartment. It will have to wait until tomorrow. I can't remember right now. Oh, I know. It was about the girl in my cake decorating class. I guess you'll just have to deal with some suspense today, folks.

Remind me to tell you the funny story about The General and a late-night run to Denny's.

*I have to admit, I did not make the roses. I suck at roses. So another girl in my class made them for me because she is awesome like that.

Me Against the World?

I've been feeling really lonely lately. I am not dating anyone. My best friend is MIA. My family is far away and busy with their own lives. My roommate and I aren't as close as we used to be. The same can be said for some other friends I have. My other friends are too busy, not very close to me or too "new" for me to burden them with my problems.

There are few people in your life you can call and whine to about being lonely! Especially when your mother has no sympathy for you. Because otherwise, she'd be first on my list. Normally, I can vent to her about anything. But she has no sympathy for the woe-is-me attitude. She'd just tell me to suck it up, quit whining and start making plans with my friends. I can hear her now: "The only cure for loneliness is to be around people." Which is right, but not what I want to hear right now. Besides, she's up to her eyeballs in work right now, so she wouldn't even have time to say that.

I'm not trying to whine or feel sorry for myself. Ok, maybe I am a little. But I was thinking about it this past weekend. After college, it's really hard to make friends. It's hard to meet people you really like and even harder to have prime bonding opportunities with them. It's easy in college--everyone you meet is close to your age, has a lot of the same goals, lives in the same town and there are umpteen chances to hang out: parties, study sessions, late-night food runs etc. Now, everyone gets married, has babies or moves away (that would be yours truly--not that I regret leaving Indy). It's hard to keep in touch without being in the same town or having similar day-to-day experiences. People grow apart. Which is fine-- it happens. I have tried to distance myself a few times, so it goes both ways. In any case, my circle of friends has shrunk these past few years. Not that I don't have friends. I have lots of friends. I think what is really missing right now is a best girlfriend. I am craving that close friendship intimacy which can only happen between two girls. (No, not like that, sicko!) A girl I talk to every day, who knows all my friends, who knows my day-to-day life, who hangs out with me on the weekends.

You'd think this would be a problem for someone who just moved to a new town, not someone who's lived here for 4 years!

Now that I'm on my own, it's really starting to hit me with how hard it can be to make new friends. I don't want to come off as over-eager, desperate or geeky. Although, secretly, when I meet someone I like, I could spend every day with them and never tire of it! So I usually hold back. And wait for it to develop naturally. It's hard, though, because as I get older, I find fewer and fewer people I actually like enough to talk to every day. So it's really exciting when it does happen!

So what is a good way to make a new friend? I don't want them to think I'm hitting on them or something-- "Wanna go out to dinner sometime?" can sound funny if not in the proper context. Ugh. Normally, I just hold my breath, bring up the idea of happy hour drinks and hope for the best. That's what I did with MJ. It worked out very well.

I don't know why I've been so self-conscious about it lately. I'm a pretty friendly and outgoing person. Most people I know like me. I think that maybe it's because of all this stress I've been under (hello, stomach cramps!) and I don't have much of a support network right now. Lady Starfish has gone completely AWOL on me. I haven't heard from her in weeks. Maybe she needs a break from all my venting! If so, I guess I can understand. Actually, I'm starting to get worried about her...but that's a different post. In any case, she has left big shoes to fill and a big black hole in my support network. I miss her!!!

Sometimes, I chicken out when it comes to making new friends. It can almost be as nerve-wracking as a date, really. (This must be how guys feel!) Tonight is the last session in my cake-decorating class. And there is a girl in there. I adore her. She is so sweet and always lets me bum powdered sugar from her. I think she is really cool. But I keep chickening out. I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess since the class gets out at 9pm, that's kind of late to be going out afterwards. But I think some of us are going out after class tonight, so maybe I can make plans to do something with her this weekend. [Ugh, this really must be how guys feel. Only I bet it's worse for them.]

I think that it just really hit me this weekend, as I was moving all of my personal belongings (minus my furniture) by myself. Alone. All weekend. By last night, I was exhausted, starving and stressed out about a lot of things. All I wanted was someone to talk to and someone to have made me dinner. That would have been the best thing ever! Last night, I was tired of doing everything all on my own and having no one to talk to, bond with or lean on. I had no help. Besides Sammy, I felt totally alone. And the people I could have called aren't close enough to me yet for me to randomly ring them up and spill my guts to. They'd be annoyed, and then I'd be minus another friend! Who wants whiners in their life?

I think what I really want is a best friend. A girl I can count on, who will listen to me when I'm upset or pissed off or who will come over when I need someone. Who I can share secrets with and who can get excited for me about stuff. I will do the same for her. I have a very high listening tolerance for venting! Who needs dates? I want a best friend! Priorities, you know? Dating isn't any fun if you don't have someone to share the date reviews with!

How did you meet your best friend? Have you been best friends since you were 4 or 24? Have you had a hard time meeting friends as a young adult? Do you think having a best friend is essential, or can you live without it? I truly feel the need to have that one person with whom you are extremely close. Has anyone else found this to be true? Or am I a freak/loser who can't form deep and lasting friendships with other women? Am I the only one who feels lonely and needs a best friend in their life?

Then again, I'm kind of hormonal right now, so this could all be tied in with that! I tend to feel very sorry for myself during certain...times. Watch, tomorrow I'll be writing, "Please ignore my post from yesterday! It was the estrogen talking!"

Ugh, I almost don't want to hit the "Publish" button. I hate it when I'm like this.

Random Friday

I'm going to pass on doing a Fun Friday post this week, and instead substitute a random report of interesting/strange things that have happened to me this week.

List #1-- Strange Spam Email Titles

1. nodding cap owlet moth
2. moubata bug oleo strut
3. do candy an candy
4. he cellular it cellular
5. nettling cell mutation stop
6. nimble jointed non-Saxon (this one made me laugh out loud)
7. faith belle and friend play with lotion (woo-hoo, sounds like a good time, right?)*

*this one was received on the communal work e-mail, so I think it's just a coincidence that it uses the word "belle".

List #2 --Strange Spam Email Sender Names

1. Denver Sheets
2. Jodie Ouellette (...and that is pronounced...???)
3. Octavio Hollingsworth
4. Valintin Myles
5. Squirrel Wetly (I am not making that up--it sounds like a Beatrix Potter character)
6. Robin July

Where was it that I read how someone wants to name their kids after the spam email names? How funny would that be?! At work, we were discussing these strange names the other day. We all agree: it's not that the names are impossible, but they are highly unlikely, and that is what makes them weird.

Have you gotten any interestingly strange spam emails this week? Please share, these things crack me up.

List #3 -- Paper Topics I've Heard this Week (I helped people find sources on these)

1. Coke vs. Pepsi survey results
2. Gambling in the horse racing industry
3. SC state court procedures (yeah, I wasn't much help on that one..)
4. The Evil Eye
5. Music as therapy
6. binge drinking on college campuses
7. father-daughter relationships
8. Philadelphia
9. Careers in optometry

We've been insanely busy this week, so most of these were back-to-back, which is kind of fun, because you can feel your brain stretching--going from gambling to optometry is one heck of a gear shift! So, that is a little glimpse into what it's like to be a librarian--you never know what people are going to ask you about.

Last Friday was kind of random, too. Let me tell you what happened:
1. I was at Outback with K, KT and MJ. My phone rang, but I didn't recognize the number. I answered anyway. How about it was a guy with whom I had exchanged a few emails with months and months ago, back when I was on Match.com? And to boot, it was a drunk dial. At 8:30pm. Who is drunk by 8:30? And no matter how drunk you are, why on Earth would you drunk dial someone who doesn't even remember who the hell you are??? I must have given him my number at some point, but that has to be approaching a year ago! Luckily, he lives several hours away. Whew! Definitely don't miss my online dating days.

2. On the way home from Outback, K and I were in her car. As we crossed a bridge, someone coming the opposite direction threw something out their window and it landed on K's windshield! It made a really loud noise as some cup or bucket of liquid splattered all over the driver's side of the car. We screamed and almost crashed. Which would have sucked, because we were on a bridge. We couldn't tell what it was, but it was liquid and sort of milky...so of course, me being me, I began to make jokes about it being....well, you know. (In all honesty, I think it was an iced coffee or something of that nature.) This left us in stitches as we imagined some pervert saving his fluids in a bucket, only to chuck them out his car window at unsuspecting single girls. Then we kinda stopped laughing and thought about how disgusting that would be. Ew. And how weird it was. And so we made a beeline to the car wash to get it off the car ASAP. Luckily, K's car is fine. The weird part is, out of curiosity, we went back over the bridge, looking for an empty cup or a bucket which would explain the nature of the liquid. There was nothing. No cups, no splash marks, no liquid on the bridge at all. It was as if it had never even happened. This freaked me out. So much that I refused to go out--there was a full moon, and it just seemed the universe was out to get us.

3. Something else strange happened that night, but I can't remember what it was...maybe MJ can jog my memory. Call me back, MJ!

4. I had another blast from my past on Friday: another ex-boyfriend from college found me on myspace. I don't know why they are all hunting me down. It's kinda weird. Anyway, this guy is a redhead who is really into rock climbing. Now, he owns his own rock climbing gym in Indy. And he's divorced. (Which surprised me--he never struck me as the marrying type. Then again, maybe that's why he's divorced.) I told him we can get together for a drink when I'm up there next month.

One final random bit: The other night, I had a dream I was dating an NFL quarterback. (Sorry, I don't think my brain picked out a specific team. But it sure did pick out a great guy--he was fun and cute and nice!)

Has anything weird happened to you this week? Share your randomness with me!

Thursday 13: Home Edition

This is going to be somewhat disorganized, so bear with. I managed to find two matching socks today, which I believe is enough accomplishment for today, considering I am not done moving yet. This is just a quick run-down of some home related news....

1. My living room is a pale blue (which should look good with the chocolate-brown slip covers I'm going to buy) and my bedroom is a willowy green color. I am going for a fern theme in my bedroom. And that's as far as my decorating plans have gone...

2. I have nothing to eat at my house. Fast food is getting old. My appliances are all clean and new. I can't find my shoes. But it's all mine. So, I'm in this wonderfully disorganized, happily disheveled state. I wake up thinking, "Look! It's my room! In my house! That's my ceiling! I own that ceiling!" and then reality sets in: "Crap. Where did I put my.....?"

3. My closing was (as Teahouse described) surreal. You just sign on the dotted line. Over and over. And then some more. And some more. But who cares about that. My lawyer was hot. That made closing a LOT more exciting. And I asked him a LOT of questions. And he had the most gorgeous eyes. Yeah, my lawyer was hot. *sigh*

4. He knows my address and phone number. Just in case, you know.

5. We found a crack in K's shower. So the whole all-in-one shower/tub combo thingie is going to have to come out and be replaced. Soon....hopefully....

6. Sunday night, I got some help painting the living room. Thanks to MJ, her man and her roommate, most of my living room was painted lickety split. The pizzas I ordered for them don't seem adequate payment, really. It would have taken me much longer to paint that on my own. They should start a business together. They seriously rocked out with the painting.

7. Tuesday night, K's friend, who owns a very large trailer and thoughtfully offered to help us move, called us: "I know I said I'd be moving you guys on Saturday, but I can't. I have to do it tonight."

This conversation took place at 7:30pm. And we had to work the next day. Oh boy. Not being in the habit of turning down offers to move ones' belongings for free, we said, "Uh...ok!" Around 12:30 in the morning, we finally finished moving all the furniture and heavy stuff to the new house.

8. So all our little, daily living stuff was actually at the apartment still. Everything was bass-ackwards. All week, I have been sleeping and bathing at the new house, but going to my old apartment for food, mail, makeup and clothing. Needless to say, it's getting old! But we should be squared away by the end of the weekend.

9. Until then, I am enjoying my internet access (I can blog from home now!!) and my DVR. (Seriously, if you don't have it, you are missing out. I am so stoked to use it!)

10. My Hot Neighbor got to see me in my painting outfit: bandana over dirty hair, old sweatshirt, old t-shirt and old cut-off pajama bottoms, which I had just cut off myself while wearing them. Awesome. I looked like a pirate. Do you realize that in 10 months of being my neighbor, he hasn't seen me looking nice ONCE??? He always catches me when I'm looking my worst. It figures....

11. It's ok, because I have a hot NEW neighbor. Yup. Met him today. He's very friendly. And cute.

12. Our dirty laundry is reaching crisis. K and I are running out of clean clothes. Problem? The vent that runs from the dryer to the wall won't fit. This is because the wall opening is oval-shaped and the vent is round. I have learned that dryer vents only come in one shape: round. So the dryer is causing a cramp in our style at the moment. I think I have a solution...it involves duct tape.

13. I will never underestimate the importance of having a flat yard again. My lot is all uphill, which sounds nice in theory, but parking your car on an incline is not fun. My trunk won't stay open and the doors always close on me. I have some arm bruises to prove it. My backyard is another story--it's one long, wide, skinny slope. What am I going to do with it??? (Have I shown you pictures of my backyard? I should show you pics to illustrate what I'm saying.)

But I figure, if that's my only complaint, I'm doing pretty well! Ok, off to go home for the evening. Thanks to my DVR, I have a new episode of Nip/Tuck waiting for me...

Total Insanity

I'm having one of those weeks where it's really good that my head is screwed on tightly. Between last-minute mortgage panics, walk-throughs, a busy week at work, an argument with my roommate, Czarina nagging me about decorating my living room, Brunette's dad passing away and puzzling policies on establishing water service to my new house, it's been nuts.

Tomorrow is the big day. I will sign my life away and get keys to my first home.

This means I am freaking out. Will I be ok? Will I have enough money? What if I change my mind in two weeks and want to sell it? What if I don't like owning? What if K moves out and I have to pay the mortgage all on my own? What kinds of unforeseen expenses am I going to have to deal with? Who really is helping me paint this weekend? Does K's friend know how to set up our washer and dryer, or is he just saying that? Is he bringing another guy friend to help us? Will it be easier to take my time and move gradually over the next 2 weeks or should I just suck it up and move it all in one big trip next weekend? How much will it cost me to replace my closet shelving, which is horrid? How do I install the chicken wire which is needed to prevent Sammy from digging under the fence and running away? What if my paint colors look terrible? What if I totally screw up the painting? Seriously, how am I not going to be house poor????

Aaaagh.

OMG I need to get a grip. Someone slap me. I need to remind myself of Czarina's mantra during stressful times: If it was that hard, no one would do it. Right. I can do this. It's just going to be a little expensive and overwhelming for a bit. But I'll be ok. I always panic before big decisions. I keep telling myself: Remember the Tax Breaks!!!

Luckily, word on the street is, here at work we are getting a phatty Christmas bonus this month. Cross your fingers. Baby needs a new house.

The good news for my readers is this: I just called to set up my appointment for getting Internet installed. This means I will have more blog-reading time, as of Tuesday! YAY!!! Soon I will be all caught up. Plus, I can get back to my online gambling addiction, which is frowned upon at work. Kidding.

In other news...how about I watched all 6 hours of Stephen King's Rose Red by myself on Halloween night? Go me. It was pretty good. Not the best I've ever seen, but it keeps your interest. I'm having a hard time trying to figure out if it's based on a true story or not. It seems so real, and yet...

Really, I just needed a break to get my mind off of all this stress.

After running some errands in the morning and early afternoon tomorrow, I will go to my signing at 3pm. And possibly celebrating afterwards. Then, Saturday will be painting day. And I was going to paint on Sunday, too, but I have to go to Brunette's dad's funeral, which is an hour away.* Which is fine--she needs to be with her friends and family right now. I can finish painting on Tuesday (I'm off). And next week will be moving and probably more painting.

So please bear with all my insanity and craziness coming up in the next week or so. And wish me luck! Oh, before I forget. I posted my mega-delicious pumpkin bread recipe on Virginia Cooks. It's perfect for fall baking.

*He's been sick for a long, long time. It has been hard on her family, but I know they will get through it--they're tough. I'm driving to her hometown for the day with some other nursing buddies.

Happy Non-Oween!

Normally, Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday of the whole year. It has always felt more like New Year's to me. I mean, think about it. You and your friends are totally different people that night. You can be whatever you want on Halloween: intimidating, sexy, strange, funny...and maybe you can carry that inspiration on into the rest of your life. You get to get drunk and be reminded of the sweet things in life while being scared about what lies ahead--around every corner could be a big monster or a ghost from the past. And isn't that a great summary of life? I'm telling you, Halloween should be the new New Year's.

But I digress.

Halloween is my favorite holiday because it combines three of my favorite things: candy, ghost stories and dressing up. So what's wrong this year? Why isn't it holding my rapt attention and making me giddy with excitement? Just a few reasons:

1. Very, very busy with house stuff. Schedule is not allowing for Halloweeny activities, thoughts or shopping.
2. Very, very broke because of house stuff. Bought a fridge this weekend for about $450. (Thank you, H.H. Gregg!) My Visa said, "Ouch!"--no budget room for costumes.
3. There aren't any kids in my neighborhood. The trick-or-treaters are what really get me going. Kids are so hilarious and cute when they knock on your door. Plus, I love to scare them by using my witchiest of voices and pretending like I will drag them into my house to put them into my oven, a la Hansel and Gretel. I'm sick like that, I guess.
4. I couldn't think of anything fun to dress up as this year.

I am so lame that I didn't even dress up on Saturday night when I went out with MJ and her roomie. They were 80s Prom Queens and they looked wicked awesome. We laughed about their cosutmes all night, especially when the really drunk people would try and guess what they were. (You'd think the giant bows and big hair would have been dead giveaways...)

Unlike most females out and about, MJ and KT didn't have those slutty, barely-there sex kitten costumes on. No offense to any of you sex kittens out there (hey, we all have our sex-kitten moments, so more power to ya, Momma--MEOW!) but we are kind of over the "Slutoween" trend. This was never more certain than when we saw a girl wearing fishnets, stilettos and a skin-tight, extremely short blue dress on. I think she was supposed to be a slutty race car driver or something. Anyway, we sat in a booth and just enjoyed the show! Every time she moved, her dress would ride up her butt. She was either too drunk or too trampy to care that there were several strangers taking pics of her rear every time it would start sliding up, exposing her cheeks. Wow.

I should have just put on my costume from last year--I was a girl from a Robert Palmer video. So I looked like this:



But I just didn't feel like it. I'm too stressed out. I needed some simple, fun relaxation time. That means, no costume. This year, I am leaving it to others.

Instead, I have decided to catch up on watching some classic horror flicks. I just need to lock the doors, pop some popcorn and snuggle up with Sammy. Much less stressful. Here is a list of movies I plan on watching, whether on TV or rented from Blockbuster. Believe it or not, I have never seen these! And I LOVE ghost stories and horror pics!

1. Halloween (I know, unbelievable I've never seen this)
2. Nightmare on Elm Street (ditto)
3. The Omen (the original one)
4. Gremlins (Although I never saw it, I was petrified of gremlins as a kid)
5. The Blair Witch Project
6.The Amityville Horror
7. Helter Skelter
8. Children of the Corn
9. Friday the 13th
10. The Haunting (I think it's from the 60s)
11. Frenzy (what can I say, I heart Hitchcock)
12. Carrie

Obviously, I won't be able to watch all of these. So I will need some recs from my readers. Advice? Please tell me which ones are gory. I hate gore. Did I miss any of your favorites? Nothing is too scary for me. I just don't like slasher/chainsaw stuff.

The thing was, we weren't usually allowed to watch horror movies as kids--Czarina didn't want to deal with nightmares. I can't say I blame her, what with my over-active imagination. But now, as an adult, I won't get nightmares. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean I'm willing to watch them by myself, either! And I have a hard time finding scary movie buds. So maybe I should just try to freak myself out this year! Sammy will have to protect me.

If you want to see a good scary movie, I can recommend these, in no order:

1. The Birds (You will never look at birds the same way!)
2. When a Stranger Calls (the original one, not the one that just came out)
3. The Shining (If you haven't seen this, it will freak you the hell out!)
4. The Grudge (I heard the original Japanese version is better, but I've only seen the one with Sarah Michelle Gellar in it.)
5. The Ring (Not the most terrifying thing I've ever seen, but it has its moments)
6. Rosemary's Baby (A classic)
7. Poltergeist (another classic)
8. Psycho (the original is best)
9. The Sixth Sense

What would I advise you to avoid? The Exorcist (the special effects are too antiquated by now--it just looked too fake to me. I know I am going to catch a lot of flack for saying that!) and House of 1,000 Corpses (that movie is just wrong and disgusting. It bothers me knowing that someone thought up that movie. It made me cry! A lot! I got really, really upset watching this movie. Entirely too gory and just...wrong. If you dislike gore as much as I do, avoid this at all costs.)

Ok, I have talked about this so much, I have to go to Blockbuster now!