Library Freaks, Part 1

Forwarded to me by Boss Lady today:

Man Indicted in Library Toe-Sucking

A grand jury indicted Joseph Colella, 28, for felony gross sexual imposition after he allegedly kissed a woman's foot and sucked her toe at the Boardman branch of the Public Library of Youngstown and Mahoning County, OH .

The woman said she was in a study room at the library July 11 when Colella entered and closed the door, according to the July 25 Youngstown Vindicator. She said Colella told her he needed to kiss people's feet and record their reactions for a sociology project. She refused, but eventually allowed him to because he kept insisting and she didn't think he would leave unless she agreed.

She went home and later called the library; a staffer told her to call the police. Detective Michelle DiMartino told the paper that Colella is also a suspect in a similar event at the library from 2000. If convicted, Colella could be imprisoned for six to 18 months and fined up to $5,000.

You can read another account of this story here.

Avatar Shopping

There are tons of these things on the net! I had to sort through a lot of cheesy "I love you forever",Hello Kitty, 50 Cent, Avril Lavigne and "I'm Cute n Sexy" ones. And the ones that move or blink kind of get on my nerves. Every once in a while, I would stumble on a cool or funny one. So now I want to choose one. Hmmm...what do you guys think? After looking over this list, I have come to the conclusion that I'm in a weird mood today.

1. I like that this one is "vintage"

2.Also cool. But most people think I have terrible taste in music, so this might be a poor choice...

3.This is something I would do. My current favorite.

4.I am always wearing shoes like this...

5.I would never use this one, but I like it.

6.Hmmm...I kinda like the black and white idea...

7.Kinda cheesy, but I have a lipstick just like that...

8.I just put this in here because it reminded me of Jennster!

9.This one cracked me up!

10.My other current favorite. I love Happy Bunny.

11.Ha ha! This one's funny.

12.I put this on here especially for Stephanie A.

13.Numbers 13-15 just made me die laughing!

14.

15.

16.This one and #17 fall into the "WTF?" category. I don't want them, I'm just sharing some of the weird avatars I came across. Why would someone pick either of these? And why do carrots kill?

17.

18.A cool design for my sign. Too corny?

19.I kinda like the cartoony ones...

20.Numbers 20-27 just made me laugh.

21.

22.This is how I feel when I get a comment on my blog.

23.

24.

25.I love this one, too!

26.

27.This one is hysterical.

28.I could just do a pretty flower...

29.

...or something kind of goofy.

30. ok, just kidding, this one didn't copy correctly...there is no #30

31.


32.I have no idea what this is, but it's weird and funny. And, I think, Japanese...? If I know my flags correctly.

33.OMG, this one leaves me in stitches.


34.I wish this was a girl cowboy, but oh well. It's still funny.

35.You know I love the Muppets. Sometimes, I can really relate to Kermit. Especially when he feels like this. Even though this one moves, I am making an exception because it's "Kermie".


36.If I liked cats, I would use this one. But since I don't, I'm just sharing.

So, which one do you vote for?

Fun Friday

I did not intend for this to happen, but this week's Fun Friday theme is drugs. Gypsy started it. Please do not think that there is a reason for this. It's just a coincidence. I'm not taking any vicodins! Pinky swear!

Gypsy posted the most hilarious story today, and so I am using it for my Fun Friday link. You can read it here. It is about her Phish concert experience. Lancelot is her boyfriend. Her blog rocks, if you are in need of even more entertainment.

And continuing on with our drug theme...


I saw this cartoon on Saturday Night Live a while back and I almost died laughing. Clear evidence that Anna Nicole was on Vicodin. I behaved...similarly when I was on it. Note: This video is probably not work or kid-appropriate.


Ok, fun time over. I am going to Nurse P's house tomorrow. She has a little Westie named Jack. He looks like this picture. He and Sammy are going to have playtime. One of her friends is bringing a third dog, too--another boston terrier! I am so excited. I think Brunette is bringing her gigantic Golden Retriever, Jackson, as well. Which should be hilarious. Nurse P is making peanut butter doggie treats for them. The mommies are going to have frozen strawberry margaritas, lay out and swim in the pool while the puppies are playing. Mine will be virgin, of course. But still yummy. I will try and take some pics. Hopefully Sammy will refrain from humping everyone. He loves to hump Jackson. Which, if you think about it, looks really really funny.

I don't know what I'm doing tonight...I decided not to go to the beach. Four hours in a car using expensive gas is just not really that much fun when you have to turn around and come back the next day. Plus, I'm kind of enjoying having the house to myself. I might just stay in and read, which sounds incredibly luxurious to me, but very lame to you, I am sure. That way, I can make a dent in my book before I watch my favorite TV show in peace. And snuggle with my little love bug.

And no, I am not referring to Repo.

I appreciate everyone's advice, but I am not quite sure what I want to do yet. This means I'm probably going to do something stupid that will blow up in my face. I am playing it by ear for now. Trust me, I am telling people I am single and I'm not waiting around for anything. I'm trying to be as pessimistic (realistic?) as possible. It's always easier for you to say it than it is for me to do it. Stay tuned.

I don't know how much I am going to continue talking about him on here anyway, because his roommate, Golf Guy, is an avid reader. (Hey, Golf Guy!) I am sure he is rolling his eyes right now as he is reading this. He keeps Repo up-to-date about what I say on here, because Repo doesn't really want to know what I say on here. I think I have been very tactful, IMHO. I haven't bashed or bitched or given away anything too personal. I don't know if GG would agree with that. But Repo doesn't want me talking about him a lot, so I will try and cut back, out of respect for his wishes. I've pretty much already said everything I want to say anyway. So unless it is good news, I will probably not talk about Repo anymore. It will help me move on. So it's all good.

K comes back from the beach tomorrow and we will probably go out. Hopefully I will have the house cleaned up before she returns. We are in some serious need of housekeeping!

I am posting to Virginia Cooks today, if anyone is interested....

Have super weekends, everyone!!! Remind me to tell you the Green story next week. Too long for now.

#3 Today...

Work is slow. What can I say? Random stuff...

A lady came in here yesterday with blue lipliner on. I shit you not. I could hardly listen to what she was saying, because her mouth was ringed in blue, and then she filled it in with lipstick in this color.

K is at the beach. She wants me to join her tomorrow. Then come back the next day. That would mean two hours each way. Gas is expensive. And the wearing of a bathing suit sounds really humiliating right now. Eh...(you see, I am going to the same beach with some friends in a couple of weeks for a long weekend, so...) I think she is just bored and wants company. Besides, Boss Lady is gone tomorrow, so work will be fun!!!

I have answered the same question about 547 times this week: "Do you have any literary criticisms about Frank O'Connor's 'First Confession'?" --and people wonder why I don't like my job.

I relapsed on the cigarettes. *ducks, avoiding things being thrown at her by readers.*

I found Jessica Simpson on MySpace. She ain't all that. (No, I wasn't stalking her. It was a coincidence, pointed out to me by someone.) She's pretty. I will give her that. But...eh. I'm cooler. And much less psycho.

K and I have been getting Girls Gone Wild videos. Long story. (Navy Guy got drunk one night....) We keep trying to return them to sender, I swear! If they were better videos, I'd just keep them. But chick-on-chick action doesn't really do it for me.

I have been meaning to say hi to The Bostons. (Hii!!!) Talked to Mrs. Boston the other day and had a lovely conversation. I encouraged her to start a blog because she is hilarious. She informed me that I am somewhat of a celebrity among her friends up there, who all lurk on here. You lurkers, you! Leave a comment already! And I am not a celebrity, just a regular girl. Sheesh.

I am starving! I want Taco Bell. And I can't avoid the Elephant in the Blog any longer. On to what you really want to know about: my love life. Or lack thereof.

Ok, ok. I will admit it. Repo called me. I answered. We talked. About us. About what we each want. He doesn't really have time for a relationship (seriously, he works like 60 hour weeks), but he misses me. He needs to work through some personal things, but he doesn't want me out of his life. He can't be with me full-time, but he doesn't want to be with anyone else either. He doesn't understand why we can't see each other once a week and just date casually. He needs to get some of his life squared away, so I just need to be patient with him, because he doesn't know what he wants from life, from me, etc.

Do I stay and try the Supportive Role? Or tell him to bite me? Is he full of s--t? Or am I not being very understanding?

I know you are all jumping to the same answer--"Screw him! He sucks!!"-- but it's always easier said than done. Shouldn't we work on relationships? You always hear people say relationships are hard work, but very few people are telling me to work on this. I don't click with people every day. I haven't felt like this about someone in years. I have given him several opportunities to break it off with me permanently, to go away, let this die, date other people, whatever. He keeps coming back. There must be something there, right? Otherwise, he'd be gone. And I could move on.

He wants to come over tomorrow night to talk. I have been invited to the beach tomorrow. He'll be upset if I cancel on him. But do I really owe him anything? What to do???

Anyone else ever been through this situation? What happened to you? Did you wait it out or throw in the towel?

Thursday 13

Thirteen Things You Will Never Hear Me Say 1. Candy? No thank you. 2. Yessss!!! NASCAR!!!! 3. I'm thinking about moving to Maine. 4. Oh, I don't shave my armpits anymore. 5. Jackson Pollock is my favorite painter. 6. Do you have any tea? 7. Let's try that new Indian restaurant! 8. Actually, I'm attracted to skinny, nerdy types. 9. I was thinking about going sky diving this weekend. It sounds like fun. 10. Construction--now there's a career for me! 11. Gallagher tickets?!!!! OMG!!! How did you know??!! 12. Don't you think I should gain some weight? 13. I don't own a lipstick in that color. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Another 100 Things

Ok, since I unintentionally lied to you yesterday, I will post twice today. I wrote this a while ago and never posted it. Here goes.

Look, it's my blog. If you don't want to read it, you can skip this post. I will get over it. Someday. *sniff*

101. I love to make lists and make them all the time.
102. I actually derive a lot of pleasure from organizing things. If there is no set organization system, I will create one. I did this with my crayons as a kid. And I do it with my closet, CDs, pantry and makeup now.
103. Except that I hate picking up my clothes. They are always all over my bedroom floor.
104. Big Brother is the only show I've ever been hooked on. I would like to be on Big Brother, actually. I think I'd be good at it.
105. Sure, I watch a ton of Comedy Central and CourtTV, but I am not picky about what is on those channels--I'll watch whatever is on them.
106. Shoot, I forgot I was also hooked on Average Joe. I have a tendency to root for the underdog.
107. I'd like to see a reality TV show about truckers. That whole lifestyle just fascinates me. How do they pay their bills? Do their laundry? Stay occupied? Not get sick of driving? Boggles my mind.
108. I had braces in 6th grade. And glasses. That was my "ugly duckling" phase.
109. I do my best thinking in the shower.
110. I taught myself how to type. I'm a fast typer.
111. I am the absolute worst liar in the history of mankind. So now I don't even try. But I am a huge exaggerator. Feel free to call me out.
112. I am blind as a bat. We're talking approaching 20/200 people.
113. But I wear contacts because I'm too vain not to.
114. My parents wouldn't let me get my ears pierced until I was 13. I have loved big earrings ever since.
115. I will wear huge hoop earrings no matter how old I get or how out-of-style they are.
116. But I wouldn't be caught dead in overalls. Ever.
117. Capri pants and gauchos are so cute, but look awful on my figure. This is because my hips are roughly equivalent to the circumference of the earth. And my legs are on the short n stocky side. I'm more of a skirt girl. Luckily, I don't have kankles.
118. I always joke that I was born in heels, because I'm like Barbie--my feet are just naturally adapted to walking in them. Easy for me. Note: This does not mean I'm not a klutz. I'm a huge klutz.
119. Size 14 is my limit. Once I hit that, I go into panic mode, get super healthy, and go back to a size 10. Then I repeat the cycle all over again.
120. I am a 36C. And grateful every day.
121. Milky Way is my favorite candy bar. I am weird because I don't really care for Snickers. I also love the sour mix from Jelly Belly.
122. I hate cottage cheese. Eww Eww Eww.
123. I prefer my marshmallows and Twizzlers stale. As in, crunchy or tough-as-leather stale. I leave the packages open intentionally to achieve this.
124. This makes them very tough to chew, which relieves stress. This habit got started in college when I had to pull all-nighters.
125. I am now a major morning person. I wake up in a great mood. Usually.
126. I am a cranky bitch when I'm tired. I will cry, just like little kids do when they are tired. I have to take a nap if I want to stay up late.
127. My favorite video game is Tetris. Can play it until my eyeballs fall out.
128. My favorite board games are Taboo and Scattergories. They are really fun when the other people are drunk. I also like Trivial Pursuit. But I suck at Scrabble. Unless dirty words are allowed.
129. I was born on a Tuesday around lunchtime.
130. I was born in Charlottesville, VA. Go Wahoos! (UVA in case you are wondering).
131. I have never flashed or mooned a stranger.
132. But I am a huge pervert.
133. Old people usually get on my nerves.
134. I love kids of all ages. Ironically, I am not all that keen on babysitting. Unless I really like the kids.
135. I take really good care of my things. Always have. My CDs are rarely scratched. My Barbies never had tangled hair. My clothes....well...like I said, they are on my floor. So I do a lot of last-minute ironing.
136. Traveling stresses me out a lot. But I believe that anything worth doing is worth some risk and/or stress. So I keep doing it and love it every time. Despite pitting out my shirts while I travel. (Seriously, you don't want to sit next to me. I sweat buckets when I'm stressed.)
137. I am one of those people who can't get started on anything until I clean or make a list. Or check my email.
138. The zoo is awesome. I could go every day.
139. My favorite animals there are the penguins.
140. One time I stumbled on the Galapagos tortoises getting it on.
141. I am 5'5". This makes me the runt of my family. Height-wise, anyway.
142. I have no tattoos or body piercings. I don't want any.
143. There are six kids in my family now.
144. I have a nephew whom I have never met. He is about 8 and lives in Minnesota. My older brother doesn't have custody, so he can't take him out of the state. This sucks. Because I would be a cool aunt.
145. I really love big trees. So pretty and nice to have around. I think this is because I spent a lot of time exploring the forest of gigantic oak trees in my backyard as a kid.
146. I have mixed feelings about big thunderstorms. If I'm with someone, I think they are cool and I will watch them. But if I'm alone, I get kinda scared.
147. I am absolutely terrified of these. You might say I am even phobic. I call them Ninja Crickets because they will jump on me and attack me. Do not confuse this bug with the black version. Those don't bother me for some reason.
148. Spiders don't bother me all that much either, unless they are huge. And roaches are just awful creatures sent to torture me. But still not as bad as #147.
149. I think I have a pretty high threshold for pain.
150. I broke my foot once. I didn't take any painkillers for it.
151. But since I was on crutches, I took them for my wrists. They swelled up from holding my weight all day long. I have tiny wrists. And a lot of body weight. Bad combo.
152. I have never seen the Pacific Ocean or the Gulf of Mexico.
153. I'm a good speller. Not perfect, but good.
154. Good grammar is also one of my fortes. Czarina would disagree with that.
155. I hate Carrot Top. My own personal hell would be having to sit next to him on a Greyhound bus for a cross-country trip. With Kathy Griffin on the other side. No, I don't have anything against redheads. Just a coincidence. But I want him to die. And she's just annoying.
156. I'm really good at Greek and Roman mythology trivia. However, I know very few Bible stories. Some people are amazed at how little I know about the Bible.
157. If I could be on any gameshow, I'd pick Jeopardy. I love that show. Sometimes I grab a calculator and play along. Sometimes I win. I can't believe I just admitted that.
158. My favorite book is The Good Earth or anything by Jane Austen.
159. When it comes to fiction, I like classics the most. I'm on a mission to read everything covered by Cliff's Notes. It is a life-long guilt trip from never reading anything I was supposed to in English class. Being told what to read really annoyed me. It was how I rebelled.
160. But now I'm old enough to understand and love books like that.
161. I like doing crossword puzzles, even though I'm not very good at them. I'm better at Jumble.
162. When I was a teenager, I always got in trouble for talking in class and disobeying my curfew. I was grounded a lot. I snuck out anyway.
163. I am the tattle tale in my family. I'm not especially proud of this. But that's not enough to stop me.
164. I sleep like a rock. Unless I'm stressed out. Then I get insomnia.
165. Because MTV and VH1 were verboten in the Belle Household growing up (because of their sexual and profane language), I am now obsessed with watching music videos. And I instantly love any song with dirty lyrics. I learn them quickly so I can sing along.
166. My dad's side of the family came over on The Mayflower.
167. Although I like scary ghost stuff and crime stories, I dislike gore and excessive violence on TV or in movies.
168. When I was a kid, I would draw the same thing over and over and over, trying to perfect it. Early evidence of my OCD tendencies. And my natural hesitation to try new things. (Btw, it was a red house on a hill with flowers and a tree. Over and over...)
169. I listen to techno and metal when I work out. I truly believe it helps me burn more calories. I cannot exercise without music.
170. My ideal pizza has pepperoni, mushrooms, bacon and green peppers. The green peppers are only on it so I can say I eat veggies on my pizza. I don't really like them all that much.
171. When I go to Starbuck's, I get a tall Vanilla Latte. They always misspell my name. This irritates me to no end.
172. My favorite ice cream flavors are lemon custard and cookies n cream.
173. I love to buy office supplies. I dream of having this fabulous, well-organized and spacious home office. It would look like the one in the Pottery Barn catalog. If I ever have the money, I will buy it. And sit at it day and night, starting projects. I'm not much of a finsher...
174. It bothers me when my jewelry doesn't match. I have to have sets. Or I'll just wear one piece at a time.
175. I usually get ketchup, mustard and pickles on my burgers. But sometimes I get mayo, A-1 sauce and pickles. And fries must have ketchup. Anything else is criminal.
176. I read tarot cards for my friends. Just for fun, not because I believe in that stuff.
177. I secretly wish that hoop skirts and corsets were still worn. That's because they would conceal my huge butt while emphasizing my waist. I think I have watched Gone With the Wind one too many times.
178. I love hardwood floors, big sinks, huge porches and crown moulding. If I ever buy a house, I hope to have these features.
179. One day I want to take up gardening and tennis.
180. I cannot sew or knit. I don't ever care to learn. This is a major sticking point between me and The Czarina.
181. If no one would find out and I didn't have to go anywhere, I would stay in my pjs all day. I would not shower, brush my hair or teeth and would lay on the couch reading, eating candy, napping and watching tv. I am a closet grungy girl.
182. I have never had the same dream twice. But Ihave lots of dreams about snakes.
183. I dream in color, but I rarely see people's faces. I see their bodies, but there is a black cloud where their face would be. Somehow, I still know who they are.
184. My biggest pet peeve in the whole world is this situation: I introduce myself. The other person says, "Your name is VB? How funny! My dog's name is VB!" It makes me want to say, "You know, this is crazy. Because your name is Mary, and that's what I named my -----! How weird!" Why people want to tell me I have the same name as their pet, I will never understand. It's really annoying and insulting.
185. Because of this, I think it should be illegal to name pets human names. Yes, I realize my dog's name is Sammy. But he was already named when I got him.
186. I'm a really good test-taker. I usually ace them. Especially if it is essay. This is because I'm good at B.S.
187. I want a pig pickin at my wedding reception.
188. I love playing hostess and dream of throwing Martha Stewart-quality parties.
189. I usually keep my word. If I don't, I feel terrible.
190. I hate wearing rings. This doesn't mesh well with my desire to get married one day. I also hate wearing nail polish on my fingers because it chips within three hours of me putting it on.
191. I have extremely oily skin, even on my body. I will break out all over if I'm not careful. The only parts of my body that get dry are my hands and feet.
192. I cannot do the butterfly stroke. And I am paranoid of diving into pools. So I didn't do so hot in swimteam competitions.
193. If Icould meet anyone from history, I'd probably meet Cleopatra.
194. I love Camel Lights. I am constantly trying to quit.
195. Running a marathon would be on my list of things I want to do before I die, but my body rejects this idea every time I try to get started on it. I get major leg, knee and foot pain. People that can run races are awesome. I am jealous.
196. My feelings get hurt very very easily. To the point that people have said, "Really? That hurt your feelings?" Yeah, I'm ridiculous.
197. I smoked pot a few times in college. It made me paranoid and stupid. And I couldn't stop eating. Not my idea of a fun time.
198. I have a really hard time staying angry at people I love. But if I get a grudge, usually it is loyalty-related and I hold the grudge forever.
199. I could eat breakfast at every meal.
200. I have been told I have a fantastic walk.

Me Memes, Part 1

When I can't change the subject, memes come in handy!

I got this one from Vixen and she's cool, so she lets me steal!

1. If you had to set your own work schedule; 8 hours per day; 5 days per week. Which days and hours would you choose? I am definitely a morning person. I would keep teacher hours: 7 am - 2 or 3pm

2. What Reality Show would you be on and why? Duh! Big Brother, which I didn't get to watch last night! (Can anyone update me?) I would pick this one because I don't think that the love life ones really work-- they are too artificial. I don't have a juicy enough personal life to warrant any kind of watch-me-live-my-crazy-life-type reality show. And I don't eat disgusting things. And I don't want my weight on national television. But I'm good with people and I think I would do a decent job at strategizing. Hence, BB. I have considered actually applying, but I don't have a job where that would be cool. Plus, I don't know if I could bring Sammy. Big negative.

3. What is the last book you read? Well, I have been meaning to finish up Po Bronson's What Should I Do With My Life? but I am behind. It's really good. I am really embarrassed to say that as a librarian, I don't read very many books per year. I used to read on my lunch break, but now I go home to walk Sammy. He's not too spoiled, is he?

4. There are many songs that bring us back to a certain memory. What song(s) do you HATE to hear for that very reason? Ugh, anything by D'Angelo. I used to date a guy who was really into him, and he cheated on me, so I can't stand D'Angelo now. I even gave away all my albums. I don't want any of that Brown Sugar.

5. If you could go back in time to be any place in world history, what time would you choose and what country/place? I was an ancient history major, so anything in Ancient Rome or Greece or Egypt would be right up my alley. I also like the American Civil War period. So that also would be cool. I don't know how much I would like living without hand sanitizer, though. And they didn't have toilet paper in ancient times, either...ugh, it was so germy back then!

6. Do you know more than one language? Um, languages come very easily for me. Unfortunately, this skill didn't help me in algebra class, where I crashed and burned. I wouldn't say I'm fluent in anything other than English, but I can hold my own in German. I can read French (don't ask me to pronounce it, because I butcher it). I can have small talk in Spanish. You might say I am fluent in Latin, although I am very rusty. Ancient history major, you know. Took it for years.

7. What is your favorite blog? Please link it. One only. Shoot. This is hard. I don't really have one favorite. Ha ha, I'm copping out on this one. I have about 10 that I absolutely adore. They know I love them. How about a substitute question? Here goes: If you could take a trip anywhere, right now, where would you go? Well, not Lebanon. How about Ireland? I'm mostly Irish. I'd love to visit the town where my family is from.

8. What is your favorite web site? Duh, my email inbox! Just kidding. My blog. Again, kidding. Um, well, if I want info, I love Wikipedia. IMDB comes in handy, too. So do Snopes and Bloglines. Gosh, this wasn't a very original answer. Anything funny or info-packed is good in my book. Oh, and cooking sites. Recipes are so easy to find. I love that.

9. Your house is on fire, the people and pets you love are safe and you can grab one other "thing", what are you taking? Besides my wallet and checkbook? OMG, I don't know. Either my favorite ring or my violin. The ring has been passed down to the oldest daughter upon her college graduation for four generations. And it's gorgeous to boot. Otherwise, I'd grab my violin. Which I don't even play anymore. But it belonged to my great-grandfather, so it's really old and sentimental. I'd probably grab that. Or photos. So I guess that is more than one thing....

10. You have $100 to spend in the next hour. How are you spending it? (Saving it or giving it away not permitted.) Oh, mama. Wow. I would probably get a digital camera. Or some new clothes--I need pants/skirts. Who am I kidding. I'd spend it all on makeup and candy. Gah, what is wrong with me???

Ok, another meme coming up later....today is a double post day since I'm leaving early.

Dirty Laundry

I was eating my breakfast this morning. Crunchy peanut butter on top of a crunchy granola bar. Yummmm....then I sneezed. I sneezed crunchy peanut butter mixed with drool all over the front of my shirt. And you know what? I am not going home at lunch to change my shirt. This shirt is perpetually dirty. And I'm sick of it. Do you have any shirts like that--you wash them, wear them and immediately get something on them? I hate that. This blue shirt I'm wearing today is like that. I have a purple and a white one that are the same way. So. Annoying. But at least I always know where to find them: they're in my dirty clothes.

FedSucksy called me last night. We basically repeated the same conversation we had the night before. This is stupid. I have better things to do with my time. Hot or not, I am telling him to bite me if he calls again. He is a waste of my time. What am I going to do, date him until he stands me up again? Whatever. I don't think so. I don't need an apology that badly.

Ok, do you want the bad confession or the good confession first? What was that? Bad? Ok.

Bad Confession: I awoke this morning to 2 texts from Repo. I think my heart stopped for a second. Were these the texts I had been hoping for? The "This is a huge mistake. We have to stay together." kind of text? Or the "I miss you. Please let's talk." text? Um, no. I don't have luck like that.

The first text was meant for his sister. (Or was it???) He apparently got his dad's ring back from his ex, Jessica Simpson. (This is good, because she's had it forever and his dad has passed away. He's been asking her for it for weeks.) The second text was an apology to me saying he meant to send the first one to his sister. I replied that it is ok, and I was glad he got the ring back. The end, right? Wrong.

Of course, the next logical thing is for me to start crying, right? Right. And I've been on the brink of tears all day since. I forgot that between the "I Need Closure, So Gimme My Stuff Back" stage and the "I'm Cynical" stage is the worst stage of all: the "I Miss Him" stage. I forgot it doesn't happen until you have made it clear you want zero contact. Dammit. I hate this. I am totally vulnerable now. I am sad. I am worried that I made a mistake. I am worried that I will never see him again or talk to him again. All I can do is re-play all the good memories over and over in a loop in my mind. And ask a zillion "What if...?" questions. Even more so, I am worried I will never feel this way about someone again. All I want is to get back together. Now. And pretend none of this even happened. If he calls me, I am a goner.

And I just texted that to him: "I hate this." --which he probably won't understand. Because it is out of context for him. Maybe he will ignore it.

So now I'm going to spend the next 48 hours being The Girl Who Checks Her Phone Every 5 Minutes. I hate that girl. I hate being her. Just when I get enough strength to stop being her, I do a U-turn and I'm back to square one.

I forgot how much breakups like this suck. For the past 3 years, I've only had those "Oh, yeah, well, I never really saw myself with you, anyway. It's been real. Nice knowin' ya!" kind of break-ups. The ones that sting for about 3 days, and then it's like it never happened. This one is different. It's a big one. The slow, painful kind where for months, I will come home from bad dates or going out to the bars and dissolve into a heap on the floor, shoulders shaking. Then I will strip off my single girl outfit, crawl into bed without washing my face and cry myself to sleep.

Why do I do this to myself? I must enjoy torturing myself. I gotta snap out of it.

Good Confession: No cigarettes since Saturday!!!! Although, after today, I don't know how long that will last....

I guess I'm not done being sad, yet, guys. Hang in there. You might have to bear with for a while....

Today is K's birthday. I made her homemade cheesecake. Two, actually. Tonight we are going to meet up with some of her friends at a Mexican restaurant. (MMMM! This will definitely improve my mood. I heart Mexican food.) It should get my mind off of stuff. Maybe even until it's time for me to go to bed.

Unbelievable

You aren't going to believe what happened to me this weekend!

But first, let me tie up some loose ends. Friday after work I packed up Repo's stuff and drove over to his house for the big exchange o stuff. It was kind of awkward, as we had been having a fairly serious texted conversation for most of the afternoon. A highlight: I told him that he made me very happy until I began realize that he didn't love me as much as I love him. So when I got there for the exchange, I had basically just laid my heart out to him. I figured I had nothing to lose. It's not like I can get hurt anymore than I already am. It was a rather dramatic moment for me, but to him, it was just an errand I was running. As I was leaving, he even told me, "Hey, I'll call you later."

He didn't know that I had put a note in his stuff that said, "Please leave me alone. Unless you want to be with me, I have nothing to say to you." So for me, it was the final chapter. The End. And I am pretty sad about that. But I'm ok. And yes, I got my casserole dishes back.

Friday night I went out with K and MJ to Liberty's. We were sitting in a booth, enjoying our girl time when I told them I was checking out the guy standing near us. Just as I told them I thought he was cute, he turned to the side. Oh. My. I know him.

Can you guess who it was????

FedSexy aka FedSucksy. Do you remember him? He was a hottie that I was crazy about when I dated him back in December/January. Things were going great until he stood me up out of nowhere one night. Then he called a few days later and refused to apologize. So the next time I saw him out, I dumped a huge drink all over him....

Yeah, so here I am, six months later, checking him out. *rolls eyes and smacks forehead* Fearing some kind of retaliation from him, or at best, an awkward conversation, I inform the girls that we have to leave. NOW. After giving MJ the quick one-sentence synopsis of who FedSucksy is, we bolted across the street.

Little did we realize we were being followed.

By two drunk Mexicans.

So we go to The Wild Hare. Then we realized the drunk Mexicans had followed us and were sitting at the table next to us. We saw it coming a mile away. They were drunk and they were going to hit on us.

Normally, I would have blown them off and told them to go away (this is pretty much my standard MO with drunk guys), but MJ is so much more fun than I. She decides to mess with them. Which was hilarious. Because they couldn't say two words before mumbling something, so throughout the entire conversation, MJ is going, "What? I can't understand you." At one point, we thought they told us they don't eat carrots, and MJ decided to ask them follow-up questions about such a dietary choice, which really gave K and I the giggles. It was like she was conducting a serious, journalistic interview with two drunk Mexicans. She was dead serious the whole time, even when they informed us that "most white girls in Alabama have nice asses" and that they "are attracted to white girl asses" and "like blonde hair."

Aaaah, I love MJ.

Then another drunk guy bought us beers, so we ended up moving over to his table so we could get away from the Mexicans. We went home a little bit later, around 1:30am.

For some reason, K and I were exhausted the next day. We didn't even get up until noon. We went shopping for a little while, but a couple of hours later we crashed out on the couch until dinnertime! I did manage to score some great shoes, though, before I went home.

We met up w/Brunette for dinner and then we were headed over to Jillian's for K's birthday get-together. Right as we are running out the door, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. It was FedSucksy. [Insert shock and awe here.] Ok, so I guess my getaway wasn't as smooth as I had hoped--obviously, he had seen me the night before and was now calling.

He was calling to tell me that he feels badly about how things ended and wanted to talk to me about it sometime soon. [Insert more shock and awe here.] It sounded like a very awkward and nervous half-apology. I couldn't believe it. I was so shocked and caught off-guard that when he said he wanted to get together over some coffee the next day, I said ok. Unbelievable. If God had been calling me, I don't think I would have been more surprised. I wondered why he called for the rest of the night. But not so much that I didn't enjoy myself.

A lot of people came! MJ brought her best friend and P.O.T. I brought Nurse P and Brunette. Then a bunch of K's friends showed up--about a dozen or so. We had so much fun, since a lot of us didn't know each other. We managed to bond over getting K blitzed. We bought her lots of drinks and shots, and I got her a piece of birthday cake. She was feeling pretty good...very....happy. (Yeah, that's it. Happy.) She had a really good time. Also, we were congratulating MJ on the recent purchase of her new house (Go, MJ, go!!!)

Eventually we went to Jake's on the other side of downtown in Five Points. After some people went home and after we thought we lost K's digital camera, we settled into a group of about ten. Just as we are getting comfortable in our new setting, we realize it is time for K to go home. Like, now. So I took her home and put her to bed.

The next day, she had a hangover. I was too tired to do anything. We vegged out, watched Erin Brockovich and napped. (Side note: If you have not seen this movie, you simply must. It is so inspirational. If you ever doubt that one person can make a difference in the world, then you need to see this movie.)

...and I waited for FedSucksy to call. Hmmm...some things never change. At this point I'm feeling stupid. Not to mention confused--why take the trouble of calling to hang out if you aren't going to follow through with it? Finally at 8pm he calls to see if I can hang out. Well, I had some stuff to do and wouldn't be able to go anywhere until 9pm. So he said he'd call back then.

He didn't.

Seriously, I do not understand men. So at 9:40, I texted him to see what was up--should I just go ahead and put on my pjs? He said yes. He wants a rain check and will call me later this week.

Gee, thanks for the info. Just exactly when he was planning on telling me this, I will never know. File it under Inexplicable Male Behavior. WTF???

I don't even know if I should even hang out with him. He is still ticking me off.

Your thoughts?

Fun Friday!

Before I begin, let me just give y'all some updates.

1. I have expanded/prettied up my myspace page. I have finally succumbed. It's still a work-in-progress, but at least it's fun to look at now. And I've changed the anonymous information into real life, actual VB information. [Insert shock and awe here] If you are already one of my "friends" go check it out. If you aren't, email me and I will send you a link to it. If I feel I know you well enough. (Read: if you read my blog and comment a lot. And you don't give off stalker vibes.) I am not posting it here because there are too many freaks n weirdos on the Internet. And it has full frontal VB. But not in the Biblical sense. You know what I mean. Oh, and to those of you who have a myspace page: I'll show you mine if you show me yours. *wink!*

2. Do you remember my karma curse? If you don't, click that link and read about it first. Then come back. Well...guess what. It struck again. I don't even know if Repo realizes it yet or not. But he got another abscess. It's on his big toe. He is on his feet all day long. He works like, 60 hour weeks. It's killing him. The kicker? He has no health insurance right now, so he can't see a doctor about it.

(And I know what you are thinking: VB! You talked to him?!, to which I reply that it was only to coordinate the exchange of stuff. He has my casserole dishes. I want them back!)

3. I am in a really good mood today because A) it's Friday, B) I'm going out with MJ tonight and C) tomorrow is K's birthday party at Jillian's. I am so ready to have a good time with my girls and flirt with cute boys. And play with my doggie. And do other fun weekend stuff.

4. Speaking of my doggie, I want to buy this. It cracks me up. And also these notecards cards from the same site: this design, this one and this one. (I would have posted the pics, but they won't save correctly.) Thanks to Anne for showing me this site. I have managed to spend about 3 hours on it! There is something for everyone on here, I swear. I think Christmas will be much easier this year...

Now, on to Fun Friday. (Do you think I could put more links in one post?)

This first website is really funny. If you are not a morning person, you will love this. My favorite part is the wake-up calls page. Unfortunately, I cannot figure out how to get Sheldon to wake my fine ass up. I signed up for it.....and nada. He never called. Typical.

The second website for today is pretty interesting. Since there is a huge vacuum now that One Red Paperclip is basically finished, I'm guessing this is the next big thing. Anyone else want to submit "Trout Fishing in America"?

Our third site for today is a major breakthrough in the history of the Internet. God is now online! And we can chat with him at iGod!

Well, looks like the rest of my day is booked. I gotta go to lunch. Have great weekends everyone!!!!

Better Letters

Ick. I hate it when I'm all whiny and woe-is-me. All apologies for that lame post yesterday. I can assure you I am in a much better mood today. Thanks to everyone for their sweet comments and support. Y'all are the best.

I got home yesterday and was looking at my mail. Czarina had sent me a package. She sees stuff--just little things-- I would like when she shops, and will randomly send them to me. So I get little presents in the mail every so often. Last time, it was a pillow that said, "Every time I meet Mr. Right, my mother scares him away!" -- how true. This time, the package contained pretty dish towels. She knows I don't buy a lot of home decor stuff.

Of course, being in the mood I was in yesterday, seeing this package made me cry.

I love my mom.

I called her to thank her for the towels and began my whining, woe-is-me tirade. And since she and I have brains that are about 75% alike, she gave me the same advice she gives herself when she's bummed out:

You will feel better if you stop whining, get off your butt and take control. So get up and do something that will help you solve your problems. Feeling like you have no control over your life is very stressful. Grab the wheel and start driving.

So I did. And I felt better. I hate that she's always right. I can't wait until I get to be a mom and then everything I say will be right, too.

All I had to do was take a short walk and then look at some of the books I got from the library about picking a career that is good for you. WHAM! Instantly better. That's why I give the same advice to everyone else when they are bummed out.

Yesterday I also received a letter from Lady Starfish. I know she is squealing with delight at reading this. It is a prank letter she sent me, and I forgot to bring it with me. I will post it tomorrow. Then you can all laugh at me. Because it made me laugh.

Other random updates:

Let's see...I had an interview today for a part-time job I applied for a couple weeks ago. It's at a place where I used to work, so the interview was kind of weird because I used to work directly under one of the ladies interviewing me. But it went well. It isn't a big deal to me if I get it or not. Just extra moolah for credit card debt. Or a CD.

For all my fellow Big Brother fans-- did you know you can watch whole episodes on their website? Ack! I'll never miss another episode. Suh-weet.

Oh--boy update. It turns out there are three cute neighbors in my apartment complex. I must have been blinded by being in a relationship. But now I have Hot Neighbor, Blue Eyes and Black Truck Guy. So walks with Sammy are a lot more interesting....

Ok, I'm off to catch up on y'alls blogs....don't miss my first post of the day, my Thursday 13 for this week.

Thursday 13

Thirteen Stuffed Animals in The Czarina's Basement

My dad had a rather unusual hobby. He collected stuffed animals. And I don't mean the plush toy kind. I'm referring to formerly-alive stuffed animals. The taxidermy kind. They are on display in my mom's house, if you ever stop by.

1. A pirahna that looks JUST like this one.




2. An albino squirrel (His name is Nutsy. If you saw his...uh, junk, you would know why. This albino squirrel pictured here is not nearly as blessed.)





3. A snapping turtle (he has a cigar in his mouth)



4. A black bear (standing on his hind legs, so he's at least 6-7 feet tall. He scares everyone who sees it. His outfit changes periodically. Last time I saw him, he had on a Winnie-the-Pooh tie.).


5. A screech owl, which was extracted from the front grill of his truck after he accidentally hit it when driving one night. The taxidermist had to re-assemble it. Apparently the reddish-colored feathers were seasonal, and therefore, rare. Dad thought this was really cool. We thought it was disgusting. These are the owls that sound like they are screaming, "Help!" -- I bet that was this owl's last word.


6. A mole. Ours is standing on his hind legs, holding a shovel. He's also wearing a mining helmet. My dad had a sense of humor. It was a gift for Czarina, if you can believe that. "Mole" is actually one of her nicknames. Long story.



7. A mongoose, entwined with a cobra, kind of like in this picture. (If I remember, Dad had to fly from Taiwan to the U.S. with this thing on his lap the whole time. Aren't you glad you didn't have to sit next to this guy for that 20-plus hour flight?)


8. A woodpecker.

9. A crow.

10. A gazelle. Or is it an antelope? (head only.)

11. A red fox (head only. But we put a red ribbon on its ear every year at Christmas.)

12. Some other antelope-looking animal (again, head only)

13. A warthog (My dad discovered eBay late in life. Soon after this purchase arrived, he was immediatly and permanently banned from using the site.)




I'm thinking I will use these as centerpieces on the tables at my wedding reception one day. Cool idea, huh?

Kidding.

Family Jewels

I forgot to say....

Czarina found her engagement ring and emerald earrings. She had hidden them under the mattress and forgotten about it. Her best friend, My Aunt S, told her to calm down and think about where she might put something for safekeeping. "Well, I used to keep stuff under my mattress, but I haven't done that in years." D'oh!

I swear, her memory is starting to worry me. I knew she had just stuck them somewhere and forgot.

If only I could get her to forget things that she nags me about...

Time for a funny library story. When you go to buy books for a library, it's not always easy to know what you are going to get. Sometimes all you have to go on in the catalogs are the title and author. In this case, my coworker, V, made a rather funny mistake.

We needed more books on Alexander the Great. She saw a book entitled Alexander the Great Fabulous: The Man Who Brought the World to its Knees and must have thought it looked good, because she ordered two copies. Note the subtitle. Yes, it is that perverted.

Well....let's just say we are all having a field day with this book. Excerpts:

When Alexander was 18, his parents began to worry about his "sexual interests." It wasn't that they feared he might become an activist and land on the cover of The Advocate under the headline "We're here, we're queer, we're taking over Kashmir!"

[Alexander] goes online with sassy screen name ("Fuknhotblond") and provocative profile ("strong stick, velvet throat")...

[Alexander was] Crowned Pharaoh in Egypt, Evita in Argentina and Barbra in Los Angeles.

Persia officially becomes Alexander's bitch.

Yeah, V ordered two copies of a tongue-in-cheek biography of Alexander the Great. This book is hilarious. Seriously, if you are a history nerd like me, you will love this. What is killing all of her coworkers is, V blushes at the word "penis"--seriously, she is very, very old-school. And she has no idea she ordered a humorous book that basically focuses on the fact that Alexander was bisexual. If she knew, she would just die. Of course, this doesn't stop us from telling her...

The Cold Turkey Diet

Diets?! If I wanted something small and unsatisfying, I'd call my ex!

That is what my calendar says for the month of July. How appropriate...actually, I just think it's funny. K got me this retro-style calendar that says something funny about men every month. Oh, and please don't think that I am implying anything about Repo's size. That was never a problem...but anyway...

So I actually cried at work today. Nice. My coworker has been following my dating life, and she always gives me wonderful encouragement. I just love her to pieces for this. I have decided to go Cold Turkey on Repo because it is just too painful and difficult to talk to him and see him. It just messes with my head and I can't handle it right now. I have faced the facts: I am wasting my time, waiting for him to want to be with me. This is stupid. I deserve to be with someone who doesn't have doubts or need space. He's obviously happy living the single lifestyle, so I need to be, too. (I haven't talked to him since...well, Saturday, really) I have been in denial for weeks, but today I finally thought, "Enough!". I'm just going to have to face it: he doesn't want to be with me and I have to start dating again. Hence my crying to my coworker.

...and the fact that I haven't totally quit smoking yet. But I have cut down--one or two per day. I know, I know. I suck. But I have a steadfast breakup rule: as long as I am still crying about it, I let myself have a cigarette. It is the only thing that keeps me together sometimes.

I just wish I had some motivation! Motivation to stop feeling sorry for myself. To exercise. To lose weight. To get a new job. I am crazy because if my love life is bad, everything else in my world is automatically bad, too. (Do other single girls do this?) And then I just want to throw a big pity party for myself. I didn't mind the rest of my life a few weeks ago, when everything was peachy keen in my love life. Lately, all I see is the negative and I just feel like a big, fat loser.

I gotta snap out of it! I need to just start getting busy and doing things that make me happy again. I must go on a Repo Cold Turkey Diet, a Smoking Cold Turkey Diet and a Misery Cold Turkey Diet. Gah, I haven't had this hard of a time getting over a breakup in a long, long time. Like...three years. Wow. I will get out of this period of sadness. It's just the stage that comes after the anger stage...so I'll throw a pity party for a few days, then I will move on to the next stage: cynicism.

17 Thoughts

Random stuff that is on my mind today...

1. Something is seriously wrong with my electricity bill. An 800 sq. ft. apartment should never have a $165 bill. I don't care how hot it is. So we are getting someone to look at our AC. I don't think it knows when to shut off, because we will set it at 75 degrees, but it won't stop cooling until we turn into human popsicles and shut it off manually.

2. So far, I have eaten pretty healthy food today. Except for some lemon cookies...but that's ok. Baby steps. Perfection isn't the goal anyway. I have not had any cigarettes in almost 48 hours. Go me.

3. I had a super duper fun weekend. I hung out with K and Matilda Jane, who I just adore to pieces. I finally have a friend whose shoes I can borrow! Our feet are (almost) the same size. And I like her taste. She is the coolest. We are both glad to meet another girl who is not bitchy or boring. Hooray for new gal pals!

4. My other blog is seriously dying. Must post recipes!

5. If there is no diet coke in the afterlife, I'm really not interested in going there. I am on such a huge kick--I drink a liter a day lately! I also cannot stop eating peanut butter or anything fruity. Does anyone else get temporary food addictions? Because right now I have 4 bags of frozen fruit, 2 boxes of popsicles, some watermelon, bananas, nectarines, two bottles of juice and an apple in my fridge. And two jars of peanut butter.

6. I can't stop buying jewelry. Another temporary kick. Sometimes it's makeup, sometimes it's shoes. Lately it's jewelry. Four pairs of earrings, two necklaces...I should post some pics...I have noticed that I buy jewelry when my love life is topsy-turvy. I wonder what a psychologist would say.

7. I really need my hair done before my roots get any worse or my ends get any rattier. They are driving me nuts. I'm thinking about going blonder....and cheating on J, my ultra-expensive hairdresser for the past 3 years. I love him, but I am not made of money.

8. K's birthday is coming up. I've already gotten her the bestest birthday present ever, because I have been taking careful notes. Now we just have to work out the details for her party on Saturday. Should we have it at home or get everyone to meet up at a bar? Hmmm...

9. If Sammy gets any cuter, I am afraid I might have to eat him up. My baby talk to him is getting so bad, I got on my own nerves today. Ewww. I need to stop.

10. Um...ok, confession time. I have been talking to and seeing Repo. About once a week. Things are....complicated. Yet wonderful. He is being wonderful. Giving him some time and space to let him work on his life has turned him into Mr. Awesome ExBoyfriend. WTF? Where was this guy when we were dating?? Anyway, he seems to really want to try hard to make me happy, which isn't a bad thing...but I'm too scared to hold my breath. Time will tell. So will actions.

11. Every day I am here, I feel like I am in Office Space. The only things missing are tetris, Chee-tos and The Bobs. Yeah. That's it.

12. The Czarina just called me. She can't find her emerald earrings or her engagement ring. This is not good. She has never ever lost anything--she's not like that at all. Her jewelry stays locked most of the time. She never puts her engagement ring anywhere other than her jewelry drawer--no exceptions in 30 years. And she hasn't worn those emerald earrings in years, so she hasn't been taking them out of the drawer or anything. She's freaking out. And now I am too. I'm sure they will turn up.

13. What is up with people not notifying me about jobs? Since the beginning of June, I have applied for 3 part time jobs and one full time job. NONE of them have let me know whether the positions have been filled. How rude.

14. Tomorrow I have to go to this technology workshop thing-a-ma-jiggie. I'll be there most of the day. It will be nice to have a change of scenery.

15. I might not need to get a part-time job. Starting next month, my (tiny) raise will kick in, and it should be enough to help me build up my cushion again. Combined with a couple of months of paying just the minimum on my Visa and the fact that I don't have to pay the loan anymore and I think I'm ok. Whew!

16. As I type this, there is a letter headed for my house. It is from Lady Starfish. She told me that some random lady came into her place of employment. The lady had a photo of her single, adult son, and she is looking to fix him up. Since she has a boyfriend and I am newly single (technically speaking), she is forwarding the photo to me. I know her--I can only imagine how awful this photo is. And I'm sure she has included some hilarious note listing all of this wonderful bachelor's hobbies and traits. She is getting even with me.

You see, about two years ago, she was talking to her ex-husband. Despite the divorce, they are good friends, but I still love to tease her that they will get re-married. When this was going on, I decided to sign her up for every wedding and bridal website in America. I sent out her address and phone number to every major store, so she could get on their registry list. I think I even actually set up the registry at Wal-Mart. Anyway, she got emails, letters, phone calls, free samples and magazines for months. And she was single. I thought this was hilarious, but she just got annoyed. I'm sure it's payback time.

17. Oh! It's 4:30! Time to go home! Until tomorrow, guys....

Freaky Friday

I have been trying to find a Fun Friday link for y'all since I haven't done Fun Friday in a while. So far, all I have is this, which is really hilarious if you are a pervert like me. Oh, and this is dedicated to Sam, who will love this supposed interoffice notice from IBM:

Mouse Balls

On to my original intent for this post. So we ordered take-out for lunch today. The staff is sitting in the break room, munching away on subs, when Boss Lady relays this crazy story.

Her mother was walking around in a park or something in Texas. In 1968. She sees a bird on the ground. It is a Painted Bunting. She thinks to herself, "My, what a beautiful bird!" Then she realizes that it's dead.

So what does she do?

She grabs a napkin out of her purse, wraps it up and puts it back in her purse. Then she takes it home, places it into a child's shoebox, and puts it in her freezer.

It is still there.

It's been in her freezer since 1968. She has moved it from Texas to Colorado to Florida. They pack it in dry ice when they have to move it.

She has had a dead bird in her freezer since 1968. No joke. And no, I didn't ask what she plans on doing with it. I don't really want to know. I just wanted Boss Lady to change the subject.

Can you imagine walking around all day with a dead bird in your friggin' purse???

(Side note:My Dad, WLF, was into taxidermy. And he used to haul dead animals around, too. But in the back of his truck, not his pocket. And he didn't keep them for years, stored in the freezer. But that's another post.)

Can you imagine the conversations that must have taken place in her house?

"Mom, can I have a popsicle?"

"Sure, sweetie. They're right under the bird."

Motivation

Random note before I begin: Sometime in my sleep the other night, I was turning over or adjusting and managed to scratch the ever-loving crap out of my eyelid. As in, scraped off a hunk of skin. Don't ask me how I did it. I only have vague recollections of it even happening. I guess it comes with the territory when your nails are doing well. (Thank you, biotin supplements!)

Can you say "ouch"?

So I really wish there was a Motivation supplement. Like a 500 mg one. Because I would take like 4 of those puppies every day for the next few weeks. Why? I am a fat slug, that's why. That's me in the picture. I have been eating whatever, doing nothing and smoking. And I have very little desire to change this. I would guesstimate that I've put on about 7-10 pounds since February. Say it with me: Ouch.

What happened to active, healthy, kinda-on-her-way-to-getting-semi-skinny, non-smoker VB? Where did she go?

I hope she finally got that new string bikini and jetted off to the Carribean with a hot pool boy....she deserves it after all the salads she ate.


Anyway, the good news is, K feels the same way. We have been laying around like elephant seals lately. That's me in the picture. And I don't know about you, but for me, watching tv = eating. Can. Not. Stop. So now, K and I are both at the point where our wardrobe choices are shrinking. Rapidly. Literally. And we are panicking. (Well, she's panicking. I'm still holding out for some story to pop up on the news: Genius Scientist Links Deep Breathing with Rapid Weight Loss--Test Subjects Returning to High School Weight Within Days)

Hey, it could happen.

We have decided that it has got to stop. Ok, she has. I am just grudgingly admitting that she is right. So we are taking a powerwalk this afternoon. I am going to the gym this weekend (after my obligatory 48 hours of no cigarettes so my lungs can get ready) if it kills me. I will....try to eat better. I guess. *rolls eyes*

Can someone please come over to my house and remove the ice cream, Cheez-its, Oreos and frozen pizzas? I have to make room for the spinach. Blech!

Crap. I just realized that by posting this, people will be trying to motivate me. And ask how my diet/exercise regime is doing. Go ahead. Ride my ass. I need it.

Pisser.

Thursday 13 (Ok, 14)

Thirteen Things That Remind Me of My Childhood 1. Raspberries. I grew up on a raspberry farm. They are so friggin delicious. My brothers and I would pick them on warm summer nights. I remember saying, "One for me, one for the basket...one for me..." To this day, it is my favorite flavor! 2. Fairies (thanks, Jennster, for reminding me about that!) -- I used to be obsessed with them as a kid. I made my mom read bedtime stories about them. I would go outside and build fairy houses. I thought fairies were both real and homeless. I'd use sticks, bark, moss, etc to make the houses. Then I would nestle them in the roots of trees. Sometimes I would even go back to look for evidence that they were inhabited. I was a weird kid. 3. Crayola Crayons. Another obsession. No other brand would do, and my parents knew this. I would create ordering systems for my Crayola Box of 64. It really irked me that the Crayola people never had an assigned spot for any of the colors. I was appalled that the box of 100 didn't come out until I was too old for crayons. I always stayed in the lines. I would take a lot of time and care selecting the exact shade to use for whatever I was drawing/coloring. If I were coloring a woman, she would have makeup on because I added it. I never broke or ate any of my crayons. Eventually, I would treat the crayons like dolls, complete with story lines--for example, Mr. Red and Mrs. Yellow got married. Their children were Orange and Yellow-Orange. Mrs. White cheated on Mr. Black with Mr. Blue, and their love child was Periwinkle. More evidence of weirdness. Or too much tv. 4. Old houses. I grew up in an old farmhouse, built in 1840. I think that is why I love hardwood floors, plaster walls and big windows to this day. 5. My Little Ponies. Thank you, Becky, for reminding me of these. There is not a word in the English language for how much I adored these hunks of molded plastic. I had approximately 20 of them. None of my friends understood why I liked them better than my Barbies. I would brush their hair and put Barbie hats and my grandmother's costume jewelry on them as outfits. Then the Barbies would be the horse farm owners. The horses escaped every time. Drama ensued. Stupid Barbies! If it hadn't been for Ken, they would've lost all their ponies every time. 6. Books. Books in general. The ones I read as a child, and also my father's books. I would "hang out" with him while he wrote and read in his office. I'd sit next to his desk, coloring. He would show me his books and talk to me about Thomas Jefferson and stuff like that. I spent many long afternoons in WLF's office, surrounded by his books. 7. Pink kleenex -- My Grandma, Ga-Ga, always had these. She had them everywhere--in her purse, stuffed up her sleeves, in her pockets. She died when I was ten, but I still think of her anytime I see pink kleenex. 8. The candy at the grocery store check-out counter--Every time we would go to the store, we would beg and beg and beg for a candy bar as if our life depended on it. I laugh when I see other kids begging their parents. Of course, we would only get a treat if we behaved during the shopping trip. I still get a rush when I buy something in the check-out line. Ah, the power of having one's own spending money! 9. Big trees -- There were these huge oak trees all around our house. To this day, I have never seen trees this big. I would guess they are at least 100 years old, if they are still standing. They were so beautiful. Behind them was a deep forest. We would play in the woods all day long in the summer, catching crawdads, picking flowers, playing in hidden creeks....I had a love affair with nature as a kid. I was crazy about the farm animals and the wildlife, too. Hmmm...I wonder what happened... 10. The smell of Ivory Snow, the laundry detergent for babies. As the oldest of 5, it seems there were always babies in our house. This is what their little blankets and baby clothes smelled like. I hope they still make this stuff, because it smells awesome. I want my babies to smell like that, too. 11. Motown music-- My parents would dance in the kitchen to The Four Seasons, The Temptations, The Supremes, and other Motown legends. It always puts a smile on my face to hear these songs. That and the Beach Boys. 12. Monopoly -- Somehow, I have never tired of playing this game. If it were possible, my brothers and I would be Certified Monopoly Experts. I think we have played around 3.6 billion games. And had 3.6 billion arguments about who got to be the car. 13. Legos. We had tons of them and we would always leave them spread out over the floor, which meant that Czarina would step on them with her bare feet, and then she would yell at us. Understandably! Have you ever stepped on one of those buggers? 14. Popsicles--A summer staple in our house, whether homemade or store bought. We probably ate about 6 per day. The Czarina hated the ones that are liquid when you buy them. You know, the ones you freeze yourself. They are in plastic tubes that you'd have to cut open. Anyway, we would leave the plastic wrappers all over the place when we were done. Each time, she would swear she wouldn't buy that kind again. She always did. At school, we had Nutty Buddies and those ice cream bars shaped like Mickey Mouse. Gah, I lived for those. But I think they are gone forever. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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Embarrassing Story #2

(See my last post for the first story. You don't have to read these in order.)

This story would be best entitled: The Only Time I Ever Hated My Father.

Setting: 1993, I'm in Middle School, we had just moved to Indiana, so I was "The New Girl". This town was like Beverly Hills. Mercedes and Rolls Royces abound. I kid you not. Ritzy titzy city.

It was a Saturday, and all the kids in my grade were at school for a standardized test. When we are done around noon, all 400 (or so) of us are standing outside near the parking lot, waiting for our parents to pick us up.

Keep in mind that this is 8th grade, probably the most insecure of ages for kids across the nation. We are all SO incredibly self-conscious at this time, are we not? I mean, all I wanted to do was to fit in. Or better yet, be accepted by the "Cool" crowd. But, since I was new, I hadn't even determined exactly who was cool. I was still trying to get used to the freezing weather and fashion differences. (There were no Abercrombie & Fitches or Bebes in my teeny tiny rural Virginia hometown. Actually, there still aren't.)

So I am standing alone, which is ok. I was used to being the new girl by this point in my life. To be honest, my brain was fried from filling in bubbles with a #2 pencil for 4 hours straight. I just wanted to go home.

But where is Mom??? She's taking forever! I mean, most of the kids are already gone, which makes me look like a total loser! So I wait and wait and wait.

Out of nowhere, the hottest guy in our class, Joel, comes up to me and starts talking to me. I think I did one of those double takes, where you are sure the guy is talkingto someone standing behind you, so you turn around, only to realize no one is there. Once I realized he was actually talking to me, I almost fell over. I was so flabbergasted, I couldn't even listen to anything he was saying. I think he said something about going to McDonald's. Just as I was starting to shake myself out of it and say something, my ride showed up.

It was my Dad, not my Mom, picking me up.

Oh.

No.

He was driving his truck. His big, beat up, dirty, old Ford truck. Which smells like a combination of wet dog and cigars. (Keep in mind, this is back in the day before cigars were cool.) This vehicle is in stark contrast against all the pristine Lexuses already in the parking lot.

He comes in the exit, and was the only parent to do so. Everyone was looking, wondering who this guy is and why he can't read signs. "Oh. That's my ride," I mumbled.

"Is that your dad?" Hot Joel asked.

"Yeah," I replied. (I could be wrong, but this may have been the last conversation I ever had with Hot Joel.)

Did I mention that Dad's windows are down? And it's about 40 degrees outside? It is important that his windows are down so that he can not only smoke his stogie, but also so that our big, stinky dog can stick her slobbery head out the window and so that Dad can blare his bluegrass music at an adequate volume.

Other parents have lap dogs and Top 40 stations in their cars. With the windows up, since they are both non-smokers and cold.

It looks like Pa Clampett is here to pick me up.

Now, I love my big stinky, slobbery dog. I even like bluegrass music. But not when I'm 13. At that age, I don't admit to liking any of this. I cannot believe this is happening. And in front of about 150 of my school mates. One of whom is standing right next to me, looking quite yummy. The same one who will never speak to me again.

Instead of taking the time to look for me and pull up discreetly by the curb, Pa parks his truck in the smack dab middle of this huge parking lot. He gets out of the truck. He hasn't showered or shaved yet. He is wearing the same clothes he wore the two previous days. And probably the same underwear. He is holding a big, fat stogie in one hand and a beer in the other. Then, he starts yelling.

"VB! VB?!"

"Yeah..." I reply, forced to yell my response.

"Hey! Get in! You're gonna have to sit in the middle, though, so the dog can stick her head out!"

I walked out into the dead center of the parking lot, in front of everyone. If I'm not mistaken, there were some stares and snickering going on. I think you could have heard a pin drop amongst the Gap and Limited-clad audience. I didn't wave or look at anyone. I just wanted to disappear. The fastest way to do that was to get in the truck so he would get in and shut up.

"Hurry up! It's time for lunch!" he yelled, still standing in the middle of the parking lot.

I climbed into the center of the bench seat, with stinky Mingo on one side and Jed Clampett on the other. He asked if I wanted to listen to his music or mine. I told him I didn't care, because my social life was over anyway. He shrugged, took a sip of his beer and turned his bluegrass back up. Mingo kept stepping on my lap and wagging her tail in my face. Mingo weighed about 50 pounds. And there was no place for her to go. I reeked of cigars and dog by the time I got home.

Once I got there, I told Czarina everything. She chewed him a new one and he was never allowed to pick any of us up again.

For those 30 or so minutes, I hated my father. But that is the only time. Ever. And who cares what stupid Hot Joel thought anyway? He got busted for pot or underage drinking before graduation. I can't remember which. I bet he was embarrassed.

The Drunk Bunny, Or, Why I Hate Dark Beer

So I am here at work. In flip flops. I am retarded. When I go home at lunch to walk Sammy (yes, he is totally spoiled), I put on my flip flops. Well, inevitably, I have forgotten to put my work shoes back on before heading back to work. Nice.

Luckily, I work in a field where the dress code is pretty relaxed. And as a librarian, no one expects me to be a fashionplate, anyway. Which explains my outfit today: a mesh polo shirt with a black ruffled skirt. This outfit is dumb. Who would ever put that together? *sigh* But I didn't feel like ironing anything today and the black ruffled skirt was calling my name. Now I've paired it with flip flops. Sheesh. Could I look any stupider?

The good thing is, since I don't put any effort into what I wear to work, I can put it all into my going out/party clothes. Much more fun. People usually tell me they don't recognize me when they see me in different environments. I am like a Day-to-Night Barbie. My two looks couldn't be more opposite.

Ok, tangent over. It's storytime, kids! I was over at Anne's and she had a rather embarrassing moment earlier this month. I am telling this story to make her feel better. It's a doozy.

Setting: Halloween, 1997, Bloomington, Indiana. My freshman year @ IU.

My girlfriends and I are going party hopping for Halloween. So we are in costume. I am a bunny. I'm wearing jeans, a fuzzy white sweater, bunny ears and a bunny tail pinned to my butt. One of my cuter costumes if I do say so myself. I kept making jokes about how I was party "hopping". Har har.

The key bit of information you need to know is that my boyfriend at the time had been getting on my nerves. We had been arguing. (Looking back on it now, I wasn't being very understanding of his situation. Huh. Go figure. This is typical VB behavior.) And I could tell we were going to break up soon. So what did I do? Like many people, I decided I needed to "escape" for a few hours. (Read: get plastered).

So I am at this house party, down in the basement. Because that's where the keg is. The keg of dark beer. I'd been chugging it. As in, getting back in line when I'm halfway done with the first cup. Chugging the rest right as I'm up for a refill.

Think about that for a second. Grossed out yet? Yeah, me too.

I'm feeling pretty good. Buzzing is really not strong enough of a term to use. I'm to the point that I'm almost having an out-of-body experience. I can't even talk anymore. The only thing I can do is keep getting back in line. Although, I am slowing down a bit. So I take a seat on the couch next to my friend Jill. By now, I'm somewhere in the vicinity of Michelob Dark Solo cupful #8. I left my dorm room about an hour previously. I was on a mission to get as much alcohol into my body as fast as possible. I was having a beer drinking contest, all by myself. I turn to Jill, who is in the middle of a conversation with someone else.

"Jill..." I say.

"Yeah?" she says.

"I'm gonna barf."

Now, keep in mind that there are about 100 people here, and I know a grand total of 2 party guests. And Jill has about 5 seconds to get me upstairs and outside so I can barf in the bushes. She is pushing me up the stairs (smart girl, getting behind me!). At the top of the stairs, there is a door to the kitchen. I fling it open, which causes the 50 or so people in the kitchen to all turn at once, only to watch me pojectile vomit all over the place. Jill pushed me outside onto the porch where I continued barfing for about an hour. Soon my crush showed up to watch and ask Jill if she needed any help. Faaaaaabulous. I was so trashed, I couldn't even say hi.

Finally someone took me home (to this day I don't remember who it was). I woke up the next morning in my dorm room with someone else's shirt on me. I vaguely remember Jill helping me change out of my formerly beautiful fuzzy white sweater and into something she raided from a closet. The sweater was ruined. My shoes had barf all over them. I had a hangover for 48 hours.

And that's why I hate dark beer.