Friendships, Part 2

So the original post for today was going to discuss friendships, but it seems I've already written it and said pretty much everything I want to say.

It's just that I'm thinking about all of that stuff again lately. I think it's because this week, I was contacted by an old and dear friend I've missed terribly (anyone remember Lady Starfish? 25 pts for you if you do). She was my best friend for years. Even when she moved to Tennessee, we stayed close. Then one day, she didn't return my call. I waited a couple weeks, called again, and that call was not returned, either. I am pretty good at taking a hint, so I admitted defeat: the friendship is over. A few tears in my pillow, and I moved on. I tried not to take it personally. She is the first to admit that she's a crappy friend. This was about 2 years ago.

Every so often, I would think about her, and even try and call her. But to no avail. After a while, I realized I may not ever be able to get in touch with her again: she probably changed her phone number to avoid her psycho ex-husband, she changes jobs a lot and she got re-married to a guy whose last name I don't know. So I basically gave up.

So imagine my surprise when she called me the other day!

Well, she sort of called me. You know how if you hit the wrong button on your phone, you can accidentally call someone? Somehow, she did that to me. I was so excited. But when I picked up, all I could hear was a car radio. She must have been driving somewhere, and the phone was on the seat next to her. I could hear the radio loud and clear, and even hear her rolling the window up and down. But she could not hear me yelling her name. So I gave up. And hung up. And was very sad. So close, but so far. If only...

Today, the rollercoaster friendship started back up again. I got a text message from her, telling me she misses me and is going out of town but wants to catch up on Monday! She apologized for being gone so long! Yay! My friend is back! She must have seen that she accidentally called me.

But I am wary. I am gun-shy. I'm wondering if we can even be close friends again. It's not that I'm not aware that friendships can fluctuate or even wither away. But it is painful, sometimes. She's one of my favorite people, so for her to jump in and out makes me feel...disposable. B-list. Back burner. And it hurts. I think I am going to have to say something about this, when we talk on Monday. Oh, who are we kidding. I KNOW I will say something. I have a big mouth and I think out loud. So we will see. Right now, I am expecting her to not answer her phone on Monday......experience makes you a pessimist. *sigh*

I swear, it's like dating a guy or something. My emotions right now are the same as when an old ex-boyfriend would call me and want to get back together. I have all these questions, and old memories, and a longing to have that person in my life again. But at the same time, didn't we already try this? How can I trust them again? How do I know this will be worth my emotional and time investment? Do I only give it a half-assed try, in order to protect myself? Or should I settle in for the time being, grateful for every moment? Maybe I should keep up some walls for a while. It's only fair, since I've been put on the back burner all this time.

Right now, I am wary. But excited.

Also this week, I have been dealing with the flip side of this situation. There's a girl I used to be friends with. She's very nice, but not very fun. And she makes (what are, in my opinion) stupid decisions. She has a tendency to be negative. A wet blanket. An Eeyore. Looking back, I am surprised I could even tolerate being around her for as long as I was. But when your schedules mesh well, and you can't really come up with a bad reason to stop being someone's friend...you find yourself sort of stuck with them....

Until you can't take it anymore and realize you'd rather just be alone. Which is what happened to me about 2 years ago. So I faded away. I didn't always return calls, and if I did, I cut them short. I cancelled plans, or always had some kind of an excuse. I was hoping this would do the trick -- she would get the hint and move on.

Only, she hasn't. About every 6 months, I will get an email or a phone call. I don't return them, of course. I thought she was done, until she called me. And emailed me. And text messaged me. All in the same day. That day is today.

She is having a big graduation party and wants me to go. While I applaud her achievement, I have ZERO desire to go to the party. She will corner me and expect an explanation for my long absence. Or worse, act like it never happened. The other girls from that "group" will also be there. I have also blown them off for the same reasons. The food might be good, but the party will be lame. It will be awkward, at best. I know everyone will want to know "where I've been" because I'm a "stranger". Which, if you are a woman, you know is just a thin veil for, "WTF? I thought you were my friend!" The best thing I can hope for is that they are all pissed at me, and will refuse to speak to me. This would actually be the best thing to happen, if I go. But do I want to go to a party like that? Um, no.

And yet, I cannot bring myself to reply to any of her attempts at contacting me. What do I say?? I can't go to your party, which isn't until mid-December? Congratulations on working your ass off for the last 3 years, but I can't make it? I don't want to be your friend anymore? Please stop calling me? I'd love to, but I have to clean my house that day?

Any of these replies will either hurt her feelings or open the door for further contact. Neither of which are viable options, from what I can see.

The thought of talking to her fills me with dread and guilt. At the same time, I am even growing a little irritated at her inability to just let sleeping dogs lie. Get. The. Hint. You know?

It's so funny, because I NEVER had these feelings when I dumped a boyfriend. I felt relief. I was happy to move on. If they called me, my attitude was more along the lines of, "WTF do you want?" rather than, "Shit. I am an asshole." -- which is how I feel right now, staring at my phone and its voicemail message from Miss Eeyore.

It's a million times more difficult to blow off a friend than a boyfriend. I can't figure out why. You'd think it'd be worse with the guy -- after all, you have probably seen each other naked. There's an intimacy there. But for some reason, loyalty seems to trump compatibility in friendships. It's sort of the other way around when romance is involved. Look at all the men who have friends from childhood, and despite their obvious differences, they still hang out. Guys don't seem to care. It's like loyalty is the #1 rule. Even if the guy is a lame-o. I don't get this. You can call me selfish, but I think life is too short to spend it with people who bore the shit out of you.

Perhaps it's confusing, because I don't hate her guts or anything. She's still on my myspace friends list. I just don't want to be an active friend to her. If I run into her in the grocery store, fine. Let's have a friendly chat. Catch up. But I do not want to hang out with her over a meal or even a drink. I don't miss her or regret ending the friendship.

And I don't think there's any way to tell someone that without hurting their feelings. So my phone stays where it is, next to me on my desk.

It's so strange, being on both sides of the same coin at the same time. I am excited! No, wait. I'm an asshole. I can't wait to catch up! Why won't you leave me alone? Please remember to call me! Ugh, stop calling me!

With Miss Eeyore, I feel guilt and shame. And empathy. Which only makes the guilt worse. I know exactly how this must make her feel. The confusion. The pain.
With Lady Starfish, I have trust issues. I am hurt. I am resentful. Yet understanding. Because I have been blowing someone off for 2 years, myself. I also worry that I am her Miss Eeyore, and I have finally browbeaten her into calling me.

Is this karma at work? Some surreal metaphor? Is the universe trying to teach me something?

Ugh. Friendships are hard. What should I do?

Genealogics Anonymous

OMG. I need help, you guys. I am not exaggerating when I say that just about every waking minute of every day for the last week or so has involved me talking about genealogy, researching genealogy or thinking about genealogy.

MJ is about to kill me she is so sick of me talking about it.

CN caved in to my nagging, and is now letting me research his family, too.

To make it even worse, Ancestry.com gives you a free 14 day trial, so I'm trying to milk every last free minute out of them.

I have found relatives in Oklahoma, Seattle, Chicago, Massachusetts, Iowa, Minnesota, NYC, Kansas, St. Louis, Wisconsin, Virginia, upstate New York and Connecticut.

I have found the following weird first names: Karona, Gerhard, Aloysius, Cornelia, Herbert, Velvet, Elisha, Hepzebah, Bertha, Adelaide, Jerusha, Augustus, Eleazer, Ephraim, Jabez, Dorcas, Larvina, Hezekiah, Ulysses, Isolde, Chamberlain, Mercy, Ruke, Ebenezer, Asaph, Huldah, Prince, Waitstill, Celestine, too many Gertrudes to count and my favorite name so far: Bartimus.

I have found Revolutionary War heroes, Civil War casualties, steamboat operators, inventors, someone who went to court with Henry Ford, professors, dentists, judges, lawyers, real estate agents, oil company managers, doctors, bookstore owners, hardware salesmen, railroad engineers, preachers, and of course, lots and lots and LOTS of farmers.

I have, according to Ancestry.com, traced my family back to the 1380s (!!) in England. Obviously, there's no way to prove the records are correct, but then again, there's probably no way to disprove them, either.

Every once in a while, I stumble upon cool family stories and photos that other genies haves submitted to Ancestry.com or one of the other websites I'm using. Which is basically like crack to me. I will spare you these stories for now. Because telling them will only fan the flames. I am dealing with a serious addiction! Don't believe me?

These are the signs of an addiction:

Loss of interest in things that were important before.
Long, unexplained absences.
Decrease in performance at work or school.
Wanting to participate in addictive activity at all times of the day.
Increased desire for more of the activity.
Participating in the activity alone for long periods of time.
High tolerance for participating in the activity.
Preoccupation or craving.
Continued use.
Withdrawl symptoms.
Finding an excuse for doing it.

I'm even annoying myself at this point. I am not interested in going out, working out, reading a book or watching tv. For me, it's All Genie, All the Time. What if I can't stop? What if I turn into a shriveled up, little old lady genealogist who cannot hold normal conversations, because she constantly asks if you're referring to the Iowa McCrackens or the Minnesota McCrackens? ? Genealogy is pretty addictive, because there's always one. more. person. to. find.

Everyone has a mother and a father. And most people have siblings. It could go on forever.

I (obviously) haven't done much work, haven't gone to the gym, haven't cleaned my house...I haven't done much of anything, including blog reading. I am going to try and go on detox here this week, so I need your support. I think that in baby steps, I can make it out ok and come back to the world of the living.

Hi, my name is Virginia. And I'm a genealogy addict.

Old Family Photo

My mom's cousin emailed this photo to me the other day, but it was in a pdf format, so I couldn't blog it. But thanks to my reader, Debbie, now I can! Thanks, Debbie, for converting this to a jpeg for me! :)

Alright, this photo, from approximately 1905, shows the Wald family. Peter Wald, the first one, came over from Baden, Germany in the 1860s and originally settled in Illinois. Then, he went to Missouri, where the family's been ever since. Peter Wald married a woman named Barbara Hoffman, and they ended up having 13 kids (!!!), 9 of whom lived to adulthood. That's what this photo is! Only Peter is not in it, because he was dead by 1905.

I won't bore you with all the names, but the guy standing up in the back, on the very far left, is my great-grandpa, Thomas George Wald. The old lady sitting down is my great-great-grandma, Barbara Hoffman Wald. There is one extra man, if you're counting, and that's because one is a son-in-law (guy on far right). Check out all the mustaches!!! Whoa.



Doesn't my great-great-grandma look like your stereotypical stern, never-smiles German hausfrau? LOL I love it! Not exactly who you'd want to sit next to on a cross-country flight, huh? Well, I guess we can all see where my mom gets it from....LOL

Anyway, I have told you stories about Great Grandpa Thomas before. He was kind of a jerk, actually. Now that I see what he and his mom looked like, it kind of makes sense....

Thomas, my jerky great-gpa, married Mary Ellen Vater and had 7 kids, one of whom was my grandma Virginia. But that's another story for another day.

If you are groaning about my boring genealogy stuff, you are not alone. CN is ready for me to get a new project, too. LOL

I Love Savannah

I just realized I haven't posted in a while. Oops!

In a nutshell, I have been busy with my family genealogy project and taking a trip to one of my favorite places, Savannah, GA.

To be more specific...

I have been emailing with my mother's cousin, who as it turns out, is the "keeper" of the family history on my mother's side. This part of my family were German immigrants living in Illinois and Missouri beginning in the 1860s. So she has emailed me TONS of stuff, and it turns out that my great-great-grandpa fathered THIRTEEN children. Wowza. She also emailed me a pdf file of a photo of the family, taken around 1905, which is SO FREAKING COOL, I have been staring at it all day. I wanted to post it here to share, but it's a pdf file, which Blogger does not support, and I can't figure out how to save it any other way. Anyway, here's the cool part: my mom's cousin (Debbie) is going to be mailing me a family history book she has put together!!! I can't wait for the UPS truck. It is seriously like Christmas for me.

I won't bore you with all the family history bits of info I have learned today, because I've probably already bored you enough. I know MJ is sick of me talking about it. After a lengthy and overly-excited text message about all of this to her, I received a one-word reply. Hmmm. Not exactly the reply I was hoping for.

"I need to find a genealogy buddy, dont' I?" I asked her.

"Yes. Please." was her reply, if I remember correctly.

So enough about that. I am quickly becoming aware of how genealogy can bore some people. If you want more, let me know. "Genies" can talk about it all day, you know. :)

I will now move this post in an entirely different direction, to a topic most people really enjoy: travel. I had to go to Savannah this past weekend for a conference. Oh, woe is me. ;) Since CN and I never really did anything for our one year anniversary, I decided to take him with me so we could sorta celebrate. I have funny CN stories to share, but today, I want to give you a review of what it's like to visit Savannah.

OMFG we had the best time. This was the 2nd time we had been to Savannah. CN went about 8 years ago for their huge annual St. Patty's Day festival, and I went about 3 years ago for another conference. It was so much more fun to go with someone -- last time, I had to eat and explore alone. I was too worried about getting lost to do much exploring at all that time. This seriously impacted my dining experiences. This time was much better!

We drove down on Thursday and had lunch at Belford's. Holy cow was that a fantastic lunch: crab cakes and a kobe beef burger topped with brie and carmelized onions. I was wondering why the crab cakes were so expensive, until I took a bite to find that they were 100% crab meat and covered in a super duper yummy lemony-garlic sauce. Mmmmm!!!

This was just the first of many delicious meals. We also ate at Lady & Sons, which is Paula Deen's restaurant. Although it is a tourist trap and overpriced, it does have the BEST fried chicken I have ever put in my mouth. I think they are battered in a mixture of flour and crack. So if you ever go, just get a big plate of fried chicken. Skip the rest. You will be glad you did.

Also on our culinary tour of Savannah: fantastic Thai at Ruan Thai on Broughton Street, and excellent Italian at Corleone's (I highly recommend the baked beef tortellini in marinara sauce).

We really didn't have a bad meal the whole time. Even a dive bar we stopped in had great fish and chips. You really can't go wrong in Savannah. And all the people are so friendly! Everyone wanted to know where we were from and what we were looking to do while in town -- where else does THAT happen??

All throughout the downtown/historic area, nestled between neighborhood parks and along Broughton Street, there are lots of really cool home decor stores, galleries and boutiques. I went to many of these stores. Let me tell you about my favorites. Kilwin's makes some of the best fudge I have ever had in my life -- toasted coconut with chocolate swirled into it. Holy cow, it was a flavor explosion of joy in my mouth. I still can't believe it's a chain. Red Clover, Bleu Belle and James Gunn had really cool (expensive!!) clothes and a very friendly staff. Zia's had amazing handmade jewelry. But by far, my favorite stores were the home decor stores: The Paris Market, which sold lots of vintage housewares and French imports and DC2 Designs, which reminded me of a Z Gallerie. But by far, my absolute favorite was called @ Home Vintage General Store. Cute stationery, office supplies, cookbooks, linens, baby gifts, picture frames, sewing notions and other decorative household goods, all with a vintage 1950s flair. Half the stuff in there WAS vintage -- board games, school suppiles, sewing stuff, etc. CN had to drag me out of there. I would get back in my car right now, just to drive down and visit this store again.

Savannah is one of the most haunted cities in America, and since CN and I are both big ghost story fans, a ghost tour was obligatory. We went on this tour, and our guide was a great story teller, as well as very knowledgeable about Savannah and the homes he was describing to us. He had even been inside and interviewed a resident of my favorite haunted house of the tour. It is located on East Charlton St. Here's a photo I found on Google Earth:


Do you see the big trash bin in front of it? That wasn't there when I saw the house, but it was probably there recently, because it is being renovated. Why is it being renovated? Because they cannot get anyone to live in it, so they are trying to spruce it up! Which is quite odd, because it's in a gorgeous and old neighborhood in Savannah's historic district. It's practically next door to one of Savannah's most prominent landmarks -- the Hamilton-Turner house (which is also haunted). You might recognize the Hamilton-Turner house from the movie, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. So why can't they get anyone to live in it? Because there's a poltergeist there! It opens the cabinets in the kitchen, moves the furniture in the living room and re-arranges the pictures on the wall. Anyway, the last people to live there left very suddenly, after only being there for less than a year. They were so freaked out, they didn't even take their furniture with them!!! It took them a year to work up the courage to come back for their stuff. That was in 1996. It's been vacant ever since. The house was listed at around $200k, the last time it was on the market. This is a total steal. If you're willing to live in a supposedly haunted house....where an old lady died in a bathtub....which may have been a suicide, because the woman had been talking to the ghost for many years...eek!!

And if you know anything about ghosts, you know that all renovations do is stir up more ghost activity, usually of the angry and violent kind. They probably should not be messing around in there, if you ask me. :)

Anyway, when the guide was telling us about this house, I got chills up my leg. Then, if we wanted, we could climb the steps and peer in the little window next to the front door (not visible in the photo above). Of course, I was all about this. But when I looked inside, I got an uber-creepy feeling and turned right around! This house totally gave me the creeps. Which only made me want to go back, of course!

But it will have to wait until next time, along with untested restaurants and unexplored shops. I can't wait until I can go to Savannah again.

The pervasive and excellent cuisine and shopping, combined with a laid-back and creative people (courtesy of the large art student population) and spooky atmosphere (Spanish moss, huge oak trees, witchcraft and haunted antebellum mansions have a tendency to create that) resulted in CN and I agreeing that Savannah is far, FAR cooler than Charleston.

Seriously, Charleston is the snobby, less-cool cousin of Savannah. Yes, that is how I would explain the differences in a nutshell. If you need a vacation recommendation, this one gets 5 stars from me!

CNversations

I need to do a better job at remembering to share the funny conversations CN and I have. He seriously cracks me up. Other times, I'm stupid and/or deaf, which makes an otherwise mundane conversation hilarious.

A few weeks ago, I stopped by his house when I got home from work. I was sitting on a barstool, talking to him while he was in the kitchen, re-heating some leftovers for me. I hadn't had dinner, and I was starved.

"So, babe, did you have a good day? What happened, anything interesting?" I asked.

What he said: "Yeah. Not much. How 'bout you?"

What I heard: "Yeah. Not much. I love you."

"AWWWWWWWWW!!!! That was so sweet! I love you, too!" I exclaimed.

A look of total confusion spread across his face.

"Um, ok. But I didn't say that," he replied.

We had a good laugh about it. And now, when we are feeling goofy, instead of saying "I love you" we say "How 'bout you?". He loves to say that I hear what I want to hear and that I don't listen, citing this conversation as evidence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every once in a while, CN will be driving around town somewhere for work and he will call me for help. Since he conducts background checks on people, he has to interview a lot of people all over town all day: former employers, former teachers, ex-spouses, etc. Sometimes, his GPS system won't find an address he needs, so he calls me at work so I can look it up for him on Mapquest and give him directions.

Today was one of those days.

"Hi, babe! I was wondering if you could look up an address for me," he said.

"Sure! Let me pull up Mapquest here..." I said, typing. "Ok, what's the address?"

"200 Hardwood," he said.

*pause*

"Wait...did you just say 'hard wood'?" I asked, stifling a giggle.

"Yeah, baby! As in hard wood!" he answered, using a silly voice. I could practically see him doing some pervy hip thrust, complete with the white man's overbite and emphatic arm thrusts.

I laughed.

Then, he gave the obligatory joking reference to his own "member", which I will not share here, much to the relief of my audience, I am sure. (I swear, it is a law of manhood that at every opportunity, a guy is supposed to reference his...member. Men are obsessed with their own penises. Obsessed. It's ridiculous.)

"Good grief," I replied, rolling my eyes. "What pervert named that street?" I said.

"I know, right?" he replied.

I searched for the address in Mapquest. No results.

"I can't find hard wood," I replied, grinning.

[Insert CN's 2nd perverted reference to his member here. Yes, I walked into it, I know. Ah, the joys of dating a fellow pervert...]

"That's ok, babe. I'll just call the guy back and ask him to give me directions," CN said.

We said good-bye and got off the phone. I wonder how CN phrased it...maybe he had to stop and ask someone on the way over there....

Yes, hi, I can't seem to find Hardwood...

I'm sorry, but I've looked everywhere, and I just can't seem to figure out where Hardwood is...

My GPS is telling me there's no Hardwood anywhere around here...

Sorry to bother you, but do you know how to get to Hardwood?

Tee hee. I hope no one yells at him for being a pervert!

What's in a Name??!

If you know me in real life, you know that I always have a project. Almost like a temporary hobby. It will stick around for a few weeks, and then I move on to something else. Every time, I either become bored with it or I find something new. It's like I'm OCD, but also ADD at the same time. Now, I don't know if that means there's something wrong with me, but it's definitely not out of the question.

Some of my former projects include: cake decorating, scrapbooking, learning anything and everything about NYC, home decorating, learning about the trucking industry, foreign languages...I could go on and on, but I won't bore you. I will be the first to admit that many of my projects are on the boring/geeky side. And my friends enjoy some projects more than others -- the cake decorating one was especially popular.

My current project? Genealogy. My training as a librarian comes in very handy for this. And I have learned that you can never really finish genealogy, because there's always another relative to look up. Which is probably why this is the 2nd or 3rd time I have tackled this project. This time around, I am even helping coworkers and friends look for their families online. It is super fun!!! (And yes, if you want me to see what I can dig up for you, just email me!)

It is also a genetically inherited interest, I believe. My dad, WLF, was also bitten by the "genie" bug. He actually researched both sides of his family, all the way back to our first immigrant ancestors to America. Which is pretty amazing, considering my first ancestor came over on the Mayflower. That's a lot of work! I remember when I was a kid, WLF and his sister went up to New York state to do research. Even as a kid, I thought it was so cool and wanted to go with them.

Eventually, WLF had the family trees written out and framed. They now hang in the basement at The Czarina's house. Every time I go to visit her, I stare at them. I wonder what these long-dead ancestors were like. Do I have their nose? Their sense of humor? If I could ever talk to them, what would I want to ask them? What amazing events had they witnessed? What would they think about the world today? (I guess even as an adult, I still have a kid's imagination and inquisitiveness!)

The Czarina, on the other hand, doesn't have much interest in all of this genealogy stuff. Maybe that's because her family just arrived in the United States in the mid-to-late 1800s. Her family tree is just so short and so simple -- 3 generations on each side, mostly Irish, with a generous glob of German thrown in. She pretty much already knows everything. Her father's side -- the Irish side-- is the part of my family I'm most interested in. We are pretty sure they fled the Potato Famine of the 1850s, but we've never been positive. Most of my time working on this "genie" stuff has been spent looking up info on Irish-American immigrants, or, as I like to call them, "my people". LOL. I'm even now trying to learn more about the history of Ireland so I can understand "my people" a little better. After all, I am genetically more Irish than anything else. (My dad was a total mutt!)

Although I do know a lot about both sides of my family, it's still fun for me to look things up. I like to see if I can find any undiscovered bits of information lurking out there in the old census records and other resources. What I have found is that it must be really easy to avoid the census takers, because there are entire branches of my family that are not even listed. I can't even find one of my grandfathers! This makes researching even more challenging and fun for me. I am determined to find stuff! So that's what I've been into lately.

What I want to share with you are some of the really weird, out-of-style, old-fashioned names in my family. Here is a list, drawn from both sides of my family:

Wilbur
Harold
Ephraim
Elijah
Ebenezer
Chastity
Prudence (can you tell I have some Puritanical roots? LOL)
Eulella
Euphemia (my whole family agrees this sounds more like a disease than a name!)
Gertrude (this name is VERY popular on my dad's side, for some reason)
Elmer
Mabel
Ida
Sylvester (UGH! horrible name!)
Arabella
Florence
Agnes
Cordelia

No offense to anyone with those names. I just think they are...unusual. I actually like some of them -- Arabella and Cordelia and Elijah are all fine by me. It's just interesting to see how names fall in/out of fashion. Sometimes WAY out. LOL

Of course, in my family we have a lot of perfectly normal, common names, too. Lots of Thomases, Josephs, Benjamins, Sarahs, Catherines, Marys, Pauls, Henrys, Jessies, Jameses and Marthas.

But it's no fun to talk about normal names! Let's talk about the weird ones! Do you have any unusual or old-fashioned names in your family? Share with me! I love learning about this stuff.

Updates

1. CN's dad is home from the hospital. YAY! Although it's a lot easier on his mom now, she is still really stressed out. When CN and I went down to visit them this past weekend, I told her that she can call me if she needs someone to sit at the house while she runs errands or takes a nap or whatever. She will probably never take me up on the offer, but I wish she would. She's a bundle of nerves. As for CN's dad, he's in better shape emotionally. He's really happy to be home after staying in a hospital for 3 weeks. But physically, he's worse than ever. He can't even get out of bed or use his hands now. The radiation has basically fried his nerve endings and really weakened his muscles. And the radiation treatments (15 of them!) made his hair fall out. :( Luckily, a nurse comes by twice a day to help out. So things are better, but not good.

2. Did you hear about the plane crash?? The doctors are saying that Travis Barker and DJ AM should make a full recovery, so that's good. But it's so sad about the rest of the people on the plane. They think a blown tire caused the crash.

3. My roommate, E, is still hanging out with the Random Guy, despite how she told me she doesn't really like him. Ugh. I just do not like him. Have you ever met someone and instantly knew you should not trust them? That's how I feel about this guy. And I don't mean like I'm worried he's going to steal stuff. Not that kind of distrust. More along the lines of he's a player and just out to use women. That kind of distrust. The sketchy, lying kind. Anyway, I just sleep over at CN's house when he's over. That way, I don't have to worry about their beer-induced midnight romping. Ugh. (The upside? I think E feels a little guilty, because she's been taking out the trash and washing all the dishes. I am not complaining. I like this arrangement.)

4. MJ got free tix to the South Carolina football game this weekend, and she is taking ME!!! YAY!!!! We get free food and drinks at her company's tailgating area, too. WOO HOO!!! I have the bestest best friend ever. Not only is she WAY cooler than I am, she is also generous. OMG you have no idea how totally excited I am. There is nothing better than seeing the Gamecocks play live, in the stadium. Unless you've been to an SEC football game, you have no idea what I'm talking about. It's a total blast. It's so hard to get tickets, let alone FREE ones. This is SWEET.

5. I finally broke down and bought some new (ie, bigger) pants this weekend. While bummed that I now have to wear a size (ok, two sizes) larger than usual, I really did need some new work clothes. "I feel like I'm rewarding myself for getting fat," I said to CN. He made me feel better by reminding me that it's ok, because I'm doing what I can so I won't have to wear them for too long. I have been doing pretty well at cutting sugar from my diet and eliminating all snacks and fried foods. Next week, I will start to exercise a lot more, too. With any luck, I should be able to lose some weight here pretty soon. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

6. You might be saying to yourself right now, "Shopping? Football games? Gee, VB, it seems like you have a lot of free time lately." To which I reply, "Why, how observant of you, my dear reader!" I have decided to quit my part time job at Dildo's. I put in my 2 weeks notice a couple of weeks ago. I decided that I deserve a break. And I need to be able to support CN right now. I might get another part time job after the holidays are over, but for now, I am really looking forward to being able to clean my house, see my friends, sleep in, go to the gym, etc. My last day is tomorrow. I cannot even tell you how freaking excited I am to finally have a life again. I even bought a new cookbook in anticipation of all the cooking I will be able to do soon!

And I have paid off about $2500 in credit card debt! While not super amazing, it is a nice dent in my debt, and nothing to be ashamed of. I can still (hopefully) continue to pay it down, albeit more slowly than before.

7. My stalker hasn't bothered me, aside from a bunch of staring, which is creepy enough. But I never walk to my car alone, and my boss gave me permission to call security at any time if he says anything inappropriate to me. Unfortunately, the creepy staring isn't enough to have him removed. But at least my boss is backing me on this and taking it seriously. She was really concerned when I told her about it. So far, so good......

Ok, you're all caught up now. :) Thanks for reading. I'm off to go leave comments on other blogs...ta ta for now!

Do You Use T-Mobile?

Hey there, readers! I recently found out that my lovely cell company, SunCom, was bought out by T-Mobile. I am sad, because I was really enjoying my plan, but I am powerless to do anything about it.

So, if you have T-Mobile, do you like it? What kind of a plan is a good one? Do they have good phones? (I am a Nokia fan -- does anyone else out there HATE Motorola phones??) Does T-Mobile have good customer service? What have you heard?

I can't really ask anyone here in town, because T-Mobile just arrived. They are a new company in the Carolinas.

If you know anything about T-Mobile, please share! Or, if you LOVE your cell phone company, please tell me why. I might switch, if T-Mobile sucks. Thanks! Have a great weekend, everyone!

I Now Pronounce You...Diet Queen

**Updated!!**

Have I told you that my friend (and MJ's old roommate) KT is getting married next June?

Yup.

Did I mention that KT asked me to be a bridesmaid?

She did. I accepted.

Today, I was informed that the bridesmaid dresses have been selected. They will be light green and are described by KT as "sexy". Here is a photo of the dress:


Pretty, right? Except for that one part where KT describes the dress as "sexy". This is an ominous word to anyone who is currently 30 pounds overweight, such as yours truly. Especially when that person has hips as wide as the Mississippi. And the dress is clingy in the hip area. For me to wear dresses like this AND still have the ability to sit down, it is necessary that I lose a LOT of inches in the hip/ass area of my body.

"Ok, I might need to think about getting serious in the diet and exercise arena in preparation for this wedding," I thought to myself.

"This will be good. You were looking for some motivation to get going on losing some weight," I thought.

"And even if you don't lose a ton of weight, like you should, at least everyone will be looking at the bride, not you," I comforted myself.

"And at least you love the light green color she picked out," I thought.

Then MJ pointed out that the other bridesmaids are probably all aerobics instructors, like KT.

[Insert panic here.]

Now, if you will excuse me, I have 14 miles to run, followed by a dinner of water and 3 grapes.

Update on Tuesday morning: I only had ONE twizzler yesterday. Everything else I ate was relatively nutritional. :) It's a start, right??? Hopefully, I will be going to the gym tonight. No time like the present!

Anniversary

Please, let's all take a moment today to think about and remember.....and if you want, please pray with me for the victims and the families and friends of everyone who died that day.

It's been 7 years, but it still brings tears to my eyes, just thinking about it.

I was a teacher in NC when it happened. I had to look into the eyes of children, not knowing what to say as they cried and looked to adults around them for reassurance. It was hard to hide from them how scared I was. I probably didn't do a very good job. How do you explain something like that to innocent kids? It was a day full of shock, hopelessness and horror. I can only imagine what it must have been like for those who experienced the chaos, terror and sadness more closely to home. God bless them.

The Stalker

I have mentioned my stalker before. See here and here.

If you look at the dates on those posts, you will see that he's been bothering me since at least March 2007. Thankfully, it has not been continuous because he doesn't attend school every semester. I had kind of forgotten about him, because he wasn't here for the spring semester or the summer. But now, he's back. Every Monday and Wednesday, when he's got classes, he camps out in the library pretty much all day long. (We have learned that his mom drops him off in the mornings and then picks him up when she gets off of work. So he doesn't have a car, which is GOOD.) When he's here, I have to strategically avoid him and hope that he won't follow me to my car. This is not a good working environment!!!

He came up to the desk the other night and asked if he could talk to me. (Unfortunately, I stupidly told him my first name a long time ago, before I knew he would give me the creeps.) My coworker informed him that I had left for the day. But he creeped her out so much that she emailed me about it. He gives everyone the creeps around here, but for some unknown reason, he has become fixated on me, especially. In addition to dealing with his creepiness (staring, lurking, hanging out for no apparent reason, smacking his lips incessantly), I have also had to endure personal questions about my boyfriend and love life. It's pretty evident that this guy has some screws loose, so in a way, I have some sympathy for him. Which is why I have, in the past, sugar-coated my responses to his nosy and inappropriate questions.

As you can probably guess, this only encouraged him. Despite my heavy hints to leave me alone, he still wants to talk to me. It culminated with him finding my myspace page last April and emailing me a bizarre email. Since he was not here at school at the time, I didn't worry about it too much. But I kept the email he sent me, just in case. (When he is not at school, I do not have to really worry about him, as he does not have a car and lives on the other side of town. So the good thing is, he cannot follow me home or anything like that.)

Fast forward to last week, when he asked my coworker if he could talk to me. After hearing that he's now bothering everyone, and not just me, I have decided that I have had enough. In addition to his creepiness, he has been confrontational with some of my coworkers in the past. He's got a mouth and isn't afraid to get mouthy whenever one of us asks him to be quiet or obey the library rules. My coworker and I were talking about his attitude and ultra-creepiness the next day when she reminded me that some criminal records are considered public information here in SC, and were therefore, online. So we looked him up.

Here's what we found: disorderly conduct, domestic violence (multiple offenses against his own mother), resisting arrest, driving on a suspended license and assaulting an officer. And he's spent some time in jail. His rap sheet goes back to 1998, when he was still in high school.

After reading that, I was officially freaked out. If it had been one minor offense, I would not have really worried about it. But to see multiple offenses, some of which are violent, really worried me. He has the ability to turn violent. Against anyone. This guy has a temper, and I know that stalkers do not deal well with rejection. Grrrrrrrrrreat.

I knew I had to do something. But what??? Going to the police and getting a restraining order would only make me a target for revenge. He would know I am the one who filed it. And he could come into the library and totally wig out and/or shoot me or something. Or ramp up his efforts to talk to me. (Stalkers often see restraining orders as challenges to overcome. Yes, I did some research. I'm a librarian -- what did you expect?)

CN wanted to come to campus and follow him into the men's room with a crowbar. I told him that would not be necessary. But I appreciated the thought. He offered a less-violent, more legal idea -- how about he just come to campus and talk to the stalker? I turned down this idea. The last thing I need is for CN to be a target, too.

I decided to go to the office here on campus that deals with problem students. That way, it would be the school that is making the complaint, and my name would not be involved. I was pretty sure that he'd been causing problems around campus, so I was thinking maybe my statement would be the straw that could break the camel's back. If enough people complained, they'd have to do something, right???

I met with one of the student services peeps and told him everything. I even brought a print-out of the strange email he had sent me. When I informed him of my stalker's rap sheet, he looked at me in amazement. "How did you know about all that?" he asked. I told him it was public information. He made some scribbles in his notes, I assume listing all his criminal offenses. He said his office is very familiar with this student and they are "keeping an eye on him", whatever that means. He told me that if all he's doing is being creepy, they can't really do anything. He had sympathy for me, but he's right -- it's not a crime to be a wierdo. I knew the student services office had their hands tied until I could prove my stalker refused to leave me alone or did something violent. Unfortunately, this is the world we live in. And I understand that. But I at least wanted it on record that I had made a complaint.

But he did tell me that this student does have some mental problems, and that as long as I am firm but respectful, I should have some success in getting him to leave me alone. The student services guy said that other people on campus have had success with this strategy. He told me to always keep my phone with me, no matter where I am on campus. He also told me to never walk to my car alone. He also advised me to write down every encounter I have with him, including the date and time and place and what was said, so that we can start keeping track of everything. Yes, I realize now that I should have been doing this all along, but I stupidly didn't take this guy seriously. Luckily, I have mentioned him in this blog, which will help me at least report how long it's been going on.

According to their records, he's never been violent on campus, just mouthy. "There's a first time for everything," I thought. So I informed him that the only reason I was talking to his office instead of the cops was because I didn't want my name on a restraining order. I didn't want to make myself a target. I also said that if he didn't have a violent criminal history, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. I had really wanted to go straight to police, to be honest.

Anyway, I am waiting to hear back from his office about what we can do. I told him I would like it if he was banned from the library entirely, if possible. And without my name specifically involved. Ideally, he would be kicked out of school! Until then, I have to just watch my back, be really firm with him and make myself more unavailable online. I am going to remove even more personally identifiying information on my myspace and facebook accounts. It can't hurt.

What makes me angry is that the whole office didnt' even know about his criminal record!!! You would think that after the Virginia Tech shootings, we would not have to deal with crap like this anymore! I mean, I know the school needs to make money via tuition, and I believe in privacy laws and giving people 2nd chances to turn their lives around, but at what cost? I'm not getting the impression this guy is interested in behaving himself or trying to overcome his bad past decisions. I think he's a potentially violent stalker who could flip at any moment and should not be allowed on campus. And I'm a little angry at how vulnerable my place of employment is leaving me. Who knows what other wack jobs are roaming around out here?! If I'm at risk, so are all of my coworkers. I hate that they basically wont' do anything until it's too late. That is a crappy policy. Have we learned nothing after Virginia Tech????

Fun Fall Stuff!

Fall is such a fun and exciting season. You have cooler weather, beautiful leaves, Halloween, yummy apples, football, school starts...and this year, we have the election to boot.

Although we are still wearing flip-flops and dealing with 90 degree temperatures here in SC as we watch the weather report closely (Hurricane Ike is a Category 4 -- EEK!), I can tell that fall is coming. I can't wait to put on boots and turtlenecks.

I'm rambling. What I wanted to share with you today are some fun things I have found on the Internet, and they all happen to be fall-related. Here goes.

Back to School: Ever wonder what your hair would have looked like if you were in an old yearbook? Go to Yearbook Yourself and see what you would have looked like back in the day. I was crying laughing at this site, y'all. It is hysterical. Even funnier when I used CN's photo and saw what he would have looked like in the male photos. Don't forget to save the pics and email them to your friends. This is my favorite site, I swear.

Election: Is anyone else thinking that Sarah Palin is a dead ringer for Tina Fey? Cuz I am! Check out this photo:
I hope SNL jumps on this ASAP. Is Tina guest hosting any time soon? I'm sure the writers could come up with something. If not Palin, Tina could also do a fantastic Winona. Check this one out:
They could all be sisters!

Football: First of all, I would like to say how freakin' awesome it was that Alabama beat Clemson this past weekend. Not only do I not like Clemson, but I am a huge Alabama fan. Roll Tide!!!! I am hoping that Nick Saban can lead the Tide to a winning season this year. After so many heartbreaks in the last few years, it's nice to see this happen. :) My whole family is full of Tide fans. Not only did my dad attend Bama and play for Bear, but he also used to teach there. He remembered seeing Joe Namath throwing a football around in the school cafeteria!

And now, The Czarina is starting to become a South Carolina fan, although this is more to do with her 40-year-long crush on Steve Spurrier than anything else. Every time I bring up his name, I have to listen to her say, "Oh, I have had the hots for him since he was a quarterback for Florida!" -- she's such a dork.

Oh, but what I was going to say.......The Czarina sent me this funny email, describing the differences between college football down south vs. college football up north. It was too good not to share. (I have added a little bit myself!):

Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip South, here are some helpful hints.

Women's Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket. Wear jeans & sweatshirt.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for. Wear cocktail dress in team colors, complete with coordinating heels and sterling silver jewelry with team mascot charms.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people. College football stadiums can hold the entire population of certain small countries.

Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Herschel Walker & Peyton Manning

Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus, make a large financial contribution, and put name on a waiting list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.

Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never Broadcast from their campus.

Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance from the Dave Matthews Band... who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon. A 16-hour day of eating and drinking takes place, followed by a giant bonfire at midnight.

Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it is the state's third largest city. Game days are responsible for approximately 25% of the college town's economy.

Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumb**ch - tackle him and break his legs."

Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumb***h - tackle him and break his legs."

Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team. He is the 3rd generation announcer for the team. But you probably knew that already, because there's a bronze statue of his grandfather by the press box.

After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.

Sundays:
NORTH: Sleep in or go to church. Don't think about football until next week. Slowly gain anticipation for basketball or hockey season instead.
SOUTH: If you get up in time for church, you smell like bourbon and listen to a football-related sermon, then run home to watch all the press conferences, team football shows and coach interviews that you recorded while you were at church. Eat, sleep and breathe college football until January.

[Y'all, I wish I was kidding, but these are all pretty much true!! As for the lightbulb jokes below, we have all got to learn to laugh at ourselves, right?]

Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football! And for SEC Fans:
HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

At VANDERBILT: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.

At GEORGIA: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one to stabilize the rolling beer cooler the bulb changer is using for a ladder.

At FLORIDA: It takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one.

At ALABAMA: It takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator.

At OLE MISS: It takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At LSU: It takes seven, and each one gets credit for five Semester hours.

At KENTUCKY: It takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.

At TENNESSEE: It takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama.

At MISSISSIPPI STATE: It takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, “GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".

At AUBURN: It takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama and Georgia, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished.

At SOUTH CAROLINA: It takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.

At ARKANSAS: None. There is no electricity in Arkansas.

CN is recording the South Carolina/Vandy game for me right now. I can't wait to run home after work and go watch it!!! Go Cocks!!

Unfortunately, I don't know if the Alabama game will be televised on Saturday...but it's ok. I'm sure I will read all about it in the paper! You'd have to live under a rock to get away from SEC football down here. :)

Wednesday Randomness

Thanks, everyone, for your supportive comments on the last post. I am in much better spirits than I was when I posted that last week. CN's dad is still in the hospital, but it's just so he can get some strength back before he goes home on Friday. Hopefully, the radiation went well. We will see. CN and I are hopefully going to visit him this weekend.

I haven't posted in a week! Let me see, what has been going on....CN's air conditioner broke, costing him $1,400. YIKES. I don't know if he was under warranty or not, and CN was too annoyed to care -- he just wanted it fixed. The unit is only 3 years old. It needed a new coil and it was leaking antifreeze (or whatever that liquid is they put in AC units). No one we know had any good recommendations for HVAC companies, so he just called someone out of the phone book. He's worried he got screwed, as am I, but it's sort of like mechanics -- unless you get a good recommendation, you're a target for getting screwed. :(

They say bad things come in 3s......keep your fingers crossed for CN! He might have another doozy left!

My roommate E isn't interested in the Random Guy anymore. So that's good......for me, anyway! He was a jerk, from what she's told me, and CN met him and told me afterwards that he had "loser" written all over him! LOL I had to agree -- what 33 year old guy still lives with his parents? And lets his mom still do his laundry? Red flag!

Sammy turned 6 this past weekend. He got lots of treats and a walk in the park. Aw. Let me see if I can find a pic of him really quickly....

There he is! My little puppy dog...aw.

Ok, this is an exciting time of year, because it is both football season and back-to-school season. Oh! And election time, too. I have fun stuff to share!

But right now, I gotta run. I have to work at Dildo's tonight, but I promise I will post the fun stuff tomorrow!!

WHAM

Oh, how I wish this post was about George Michael. You have no idea how much I'd love to tell you to wake me up, before you go go.

Nope. This is a crappy post. Like, maybe keep some kleenex nearby.

I went over to CN's last night to watch tv with him. He's been a little down lately, because of his dad's poor health. I wanted to see how he was doing and besides, I missed him. (Yes, I miss him after 18 hours. Shut up.)

"Hi Babe!" I said, walking in the front door.

"Hi!" he said from the couch. He was watching tv.

Then, I went over to explain to him why I was at his house, instead of making him a peach cobbler like I told him I was going to do. It's because I can't keep the fresh peaches longer than 6 hours before they rot (I have no idea what is up with that, but it's very frustrating). After three tries of using fresh, local peaches, I had given up and decided to use frozen peaches. I had originally planned on baking the cobbler on Sunday, but we had been at the hospital all day and the defrosted frozen peaches had rotted in the fridge and yadda yadda yadda...

That's when I noticed he had a Bible next to him.

Not that this is totally out of the question, because he and I have talked about God before and we both pray before we fall asleep at night, and I do want to start going to church again. But he and I don't really crack open a Bible at the end of the day, either. This was out of the ordinary.

I knew it had to do with his dad. Something was up. Which stinks, because he's the kind of guy who doesn't like to talk about crappy stuff, like sick parents. Basically, we are opposite in this way. Which leaves me not really knowing what to do. Do I ask and make him uncomfortable? Do I make him talk about it, because I know it's good to talk about this stuff, even if it isn't exactly a picnic? Or do I allow him to remain quiet and lost in his thoughts? Should I just STFU and watch tv? To be honest, I haven't exactly learned what to do when it comes to Serious Crappiness Relating to The Boyfriend. I am sort of trying to learn what to do as I go, and hoping that I don't upset him or piss him off in the process. I will be the first to admit that he and I are still learning how to communicate with each other in certain situations. [See post from earlier this week...]

I decided to just ask.

"Have you talked to your mom?" I squeaked, hesitatingly.

"Yeah."

And that's when he told me. His dad is getting radiation all week, and going home on Friday to recuperate. If the radiation doesn't work, the doctors are giving him 6 weeks to live. If it does work, they are giving him 8 months. Eight months. Best case scenario. Fuck. Actually, you know what, "fuck" doesn't even begin to express how much this sucks. For him. For CN. For their family. Stop and imagine how it would feel if you got this news. "Hey, by the way, that person you love very much? That person you have known your whole life? Yeah, they won't be here next summer. This is a good time to take that vacation you've always talked about."

Kinda puts stuff in perspective, huh?

The doctors want his parents to sign all the end-of-life paperwork. Which is not fun to fill out, because it asks questions like, "If you are unable to breathe on your own, do you want the doctors to resuscitate you or not?" and "Would you want to be on life support? Have feeding tubes? Be in a permanent vegetative state? Or do you want us to pull the plug?"

As you can probably tell, it's not looking good. And unless you've been through this type of shit with your own loved ones, you are not fully grasping it, let me tell you. I helped my mom fill out that form when my dad was really sick. He died a month to the day after we filled out that paperwork. When the doctor told CN's mom he wanted her to fill it out, I knew what it meant (oh shit, that's not good), but I could tell that CN and his mom did not fully grasp it. The look on their faces was more along the lines of, "That's just a precaution, right? Right?"

I was filled with flashbacks. If you are in the club, too, you are probably having flashbacks of your own loved one's illness right now, as you are reading this. What club am I talking about? The Grief Club. Not exactly a club I was hoping to be a part of. Anyway, until you have lost a close relative or loved one, you cannot understand what it's like. You think you do, but you don't, trust me. When I was in your shoes, I thought I could understand what grief was like, too.

Grief is like a brick wall of sadness. And you hit it, face first, at about 95mph. Again and again and again. All day long. Every 2 minutes. Until further notice. It could be a week. Or a month. Or a few months. Or the rest of your life. It's like being trapped on a scary rollercoaster, wanting to get off, but never being allowed. You can't talk. You can't think, unless you are thinking sad things. You can't look people in the eye. You want to be alone, but at the same time, you want to be surrounded by people. It feels weird to laugh, but you want someone to tell a funny story about that person so badly, even if you cry and laugh at the same time. You definitely do not feel like yourself.

And then one day, you are ok. You start to feel non-zombie again, and you start to do normal things again. Like eating. And sleeping. And not crying every second of every day. You can go to the grocery store, and actually make it home before you burst into tears. This is good!

Every day gets a little bit easier. You are thinking, "Ok, cool. I made it. It's all going to be ok." And then WHAM it hits you again out of nowhere. Like when you see something that reminds you of that person. Or when someone's dying in a movie. Or when you pick up the phone to call them, and realize that you can't. WHAM. You're back on that rollercoaster.

Right now, I have volunteered to get back on the rollercoaster. Because I can't watch CN's family go through all of this without thinking about my dad. And I can't just opt out of being there for him during all of this. Heck, at this stage in my life, I practically have a PhD in Grief. I'm exactly the person who should be with CN right now. He needs me. And as difficult as this is going to be for me, I have to be there for him. It's part of my Official Girlfriend Duties. *salutes*

As we pulled into the hospital last Sunday, I said aloud without thinking, "This is the first time I've been in a hospital since my dad died." WHAM. CN doesn't know this, and I hate to admit it, but part of the reason I didn't go with him on Saturday was because I knew this would happen. I knew all the grief feelings would well up inside me again. And it's a sickening feeling. A helpless feeling. A sad feeling. And I know it's selfish of me, but who wants to sign up for feeling like that? I knew that if I went with him, I'd have to go there. To that painful place, full of tears and emotions and memories. I hate going there.

As we walked up to the room where CN's dad is, all I could think was, "Please don't let there be tubes coming out of his face. Please, no tubes. I can't handle tubes." Thankfully, there where no tubes. And the hospital didn't have that "hospital" smell. Which was a big relief, too. I hate that smell. It smells like sterile cotton pads, mixed with body fluids, cafeteria food and stale air. Seriously, if you work in a hospital, and you are reading this, can y'all buy some damn febreeze or something? Cuz you are just used to it, trust me. It smells like ass where you work.

I did ok during most of the visit, but it definitely had its WHAM moments. The beeping machines. The bags of fluids. It was a lot to take in, without much mental preparation. I did ok on Sunday, but ever since then, it's been a long descent. Back on the rollercoaster. I have been carefully repairing myself these last three years, putting all the grief feelings behind me. It's like I have been building a brick wall, one brick at a time, very slowly. Not that I would ever fully brick it up and close it up. That's impossible. It's with you always. But I had built a wall high enough that it didn't hurt anymore. It was starting to be ok to talk about it. Even feel happy about the time I did have with my dad. I felt ok putting it away. Way back in the long term storage area of my brain. Like a cherished toy from childhood. Not that it's not important to you anymore, but somehow, in a way, you have moved on. Enough time had passed. Life goes on. He's still there, with me, inside my heart. Death is part of life. It has taken me 3 years to get here.

And now, all the wounds are split open again. I get to experience it all, from the beginning stages to the end. Only this time, I am on the outside, mostly. It's like having an out-of-body experience. I am experiencing the same feelings, but in a different way. I know what's going to happen. I know there will be urgent phone calls and moments of hope that will be dashed to pieces. I know there will be lots of crying and exhaustion. I could probably predict every moment right now. But this time, there is a new element. I get to see someone I love very much deal with a whole lot of pain, and there's nothing I can do or say to prepare him for it. I can't stop it. I can't do a whole lot to make him feel better. This time, in addition to feeling my own grief well up inside of me, I have to watch someone I love feel grief for the first time, which is almost as painful, because I can't fully feel what he's feeling. I can only feel a ghost of my own grief. It's like sympathy pains. Kinda.

I know what is coming down the pipe for him and his family. It's like going to the doctor, knowing you are going to have to have a shot. You know it's going to suck, and there's no way out of it. Only with grief, it's like, 1,000 times worse. And I can try to describe it and warn him about it all I want, but I will never be able to. It's something he will have to experience with his family. The most I can do is be by his side. We will ride the roller coaster together.

Monday, Monday

Well, it's certainly Monday. Let's see. Where should I begin? I think I will ease into it with something funny.

I have told you how my little sister, Smurf, is a horrible driver. Well, despite a year's worth of practice, involving a learner's permit, driver's ed and much practicing with family members, she is no better today than she was the first time she got behind the wheel. Somehow, this did not stop the Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles from issuing her a driver's license last month. Do not ask me how on earth she passed the driving test, but she did. So she got her license in mid-July. That was only a few weeks ago. She now has THREE tickets. She got them ALL on the same day: speeding, running a stop sign and driving on the wrong side of the road. "It was only for a second," she told me. "And there was no one else on the road." I told her that apparently, there was someone else on the road. She says she's learned her lesson, but I doubt that will be enough to convince the judge that he should not revoke her driver's license, which is probably what he will do. My poor mother and her insurance rates....yeesh.

This weekend, CN's dad had to go back to the hospital again. "Do you want to go with me to visit him?" CN asked me Saturday morning. I asked CN why he was in the hospital. CN was pretty vague. So I declined because...
1. The request was phrased in a way that made it seem optional.
2. It was my weekend off.
3. The hospital was an hour away.
4. I was having a dinner party that night for my girlfriends, and needed to prepare.
5. When my dad was sick, he was in the hospital a dozen times before things got serious.

By now, you have probably realized that "No" was the wrong answer. Unfortunately, I am not nearly as bright as my readers. Because I should have realized that CN isn't the kind of person who would say, "Look, I am really worried, and I really want you to come with me." Because if he had said that, then yes, I would have dropped everything and gone with him. But I am dense, and he downplays things, which leads to misunderstandings and people being upset. This is not the first time he has downplayed something important, and I was too stupid to figure it out.

By Sunday morning, he was pretty angry with me, and I could tell something was wrong. He told me I had really let him down and that he was really worried about his dad. I instantly felt like a candidate for Worst Girlfriend Ever, apologized and explained my reasoning to him. He agreed that he should have explained things better, and I canceled all my Sunday plans and went down with him to the hospital yesterday.

Not long after we got to the hospital, CN's mom took us to lunch, where she explained that CN's dad had been acting funny lately, which was part of the reason she had put him back in the hospital. She just had a hunch something wasn't right. So the doctor gave CN's dad a MRI (or was it a CT scan?) and we were waiting to hear the results. The doctor called when we got back from lunch. And the news was not good. CN's dad has prostate cancer that has metasticized all over his body. And the MRI showed that he now has lesions in his brain and they are bleeding. So he's being put back on radiation again today. It's not looking so hot. Because the doctors have actually had him on a break from the chemo/radiation treatments because his body can't really handle too much more. So I don't have a good feeling about all of this.

Obviously, I won't be skipping any more hospital visits, either. I am thinking I should maybe quit my Dildo's job, so I will have more free time to go with him to the hospital.

Then, at 2am last night, I was awakened by my roommate, E, again. She and her boyf broke up (again) and so instead of being at his house all the time, she's now at my house all the time. Which would be fine, except for the fact that she has insomnia, so she gets up all through the night, which wakes me up. She has woken me up just about every night for the last 2 weeks. It's getting old.

Anyway, at 2am last night, I awoke to the sound of her giggling. I got up to shut the door to my room, only to realize that there was a 2nd voice -- a man's voice -- giggling with her. In the shower.

"Great," I thought.

I was already upset about CN's dad and I had to get up early this morning for work. So I had a difficult time falling back asleep. I tossed and turned for at least an hour, furious at her inconsideration. When I got up this morning, I noticed that this random guy's car was still outside. This kind of annoyed me. I mean, if you want to hook up with random guys, fine. But do it on the weekend and make sure he's gone by the morning, you know?

I started to get ready for work, and as I'm getting ready, I hear my roommate quietly slip out and leave. That's unusual for her -- she usually asks me if her outfit looks okay every morning. And I didn't hear a man's footsteps following her. Hmmm.

I finished getting ready, trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But when I went to leave, I saw that the random guy's car was still parked outside, and my roommate was gone!

I. Was. Furious.

I threw open the door to her room and woke up Mr. Random.

"You have to leave. Now." I said, fuming.

"Ok," he replied, groggily.

I just stood there, waiting, with my hand on my hip, as he shuffled around, trying to get dressed.

"Let's go! I'm late for work! I'm leaving and you can't be here!" I yelled.

"It's not what it looks like. E and I have known each other for years," he said, trying to explain.

"Yesss," I hissed. "But I don't know who the fuck you are, and this is MY house, so you have to get the fuck out of my house. NOW."

Apparently, I communicated my rage very clearly, because he left the house in nothing but his boxer shorts! He carried the rest of his stuff and didn't even put his shoes on fully! LOL

"Did you see his wiener?" CN asked me later.

"No. And he's lucky, because I would have ripped it off!!!" I replied.

E and I are going to have a loooooong chat this afternoon, when I get home from work.

Wow. I was a total bitch this weekend, huh?

Crap!

Well, crap.

Ok, remember how I was waiting to hear if I got to teach a class this fall? And if I got to teach the class, I could quit my part time job at Dildo's? And then I wouldn't have to work weekends anymore? Well...

I didn't get a class.

So now, I am stuck at Dildo's. Unless I can find another part time job. One that doesn't suck. I hope it's soon. I am getting really tired of Dildo's. And there's no way I'm working there over the holidays. I have worked retail during the holidays before, and it's a nightmare.

Y'all, I am really bummed about this!!! I guess I got my hopes up. I knew I shouldn't have done that. Because you know what happens when you do that. Counting chickens, etc.

It's not like this is the end of the world, but I'm starting to get really burned out and was really looking forward to having more free time. But now, after paying off about $2,000 in credit card debt, I'm kind of hooked on watching my balances go down, you know? I don't want to quit now. I'm just starting to make a big dent!!! 25% of my credit card debt is GONE. That is a good feeling!!

I can quit whenever I want. Yadda yadda. But it's hard to quit when you want to pay down debt. And it's really nice to have that extra money around when little emergencies come up (example: my car battery died the other day) or when you want to treat yourself to gorgeous handbags*. I can pay for these things without breaking a sweat. Since I have budgeted paying $500-600/month on my credit cards, but my Dildo's job sometimes pays more (because they work me to death), I usually have an extra $100/week to spend on crap. I like buying crap. Crap makes me happy. Not the dammit-will-I-ever-get-to-quit-this-stupid-job crap, but the look-how-freaking-fabulous-my-new-bag-is crap.

Ugh, this is such a blow to my morale. You have no idea how much I have been day dreaming about sleeping in on Saturdays, lazy Sunday afternoons where I read a book on my couch, weekend trips, a clean house, having time to work out again...*sigh*

I guess I will just have to keep my eyes peeled for a better part time job, and maybe cross my fingers that I can teach a class in the spring.

At least now I won't have to worry about whether or not CN and I will take a trip over Labor Day weekend. Dildo's settled it for me: I will get to work extra-long hours that weekend, thanks to our Labor Day sale.

Crap!!!!! This sucks donkey balls!!!!! Please leave me cheery and encouraging comments! I am bummed out!!!

* I have this purse, in a beautiful pearlescent white leather, on hold at Dildo's right now. Thanks to our kick-ass sale going on at the moment, instead of $248, I can buy it for $87. WOOT!

My Little and How Camp Traumatized Me

I was recently matched up with a Little Sis from Big Brothers Big Sisters. YAY!!!

Her name is V. She's 11 and about to start 6th grade. I was really excited to hear that she is this age, because middle school was the most difficult time for me when I was a kid. That's when I was picked on by bullies and when I felt at my most awkward -- glasses AND braces. To make it even worse, I was the first girl in my class to hit puberty. It was a rough time. So I am excited to be there to support her and be someone she can talk to, because I know how mean 12 year olds can be. I'm hoping that I can help her have enough confidence to weather the storm, you know?

She's really nervous to start 6th grade next week. I told her that the first couple of weeks might be a little sticky, but after that, she'll be a pro. Luckily, lockers don't seem to phase her. I, on the other hand, would have daily battles with the lock on my locker throughout my 6-12 grade years. My stubborn locks caused me to be tardy many times. I never did get the hang of combination locks, and I still avoid them to this day. So I was relieved to hear that she found them to be of no concern.

Her concern is more about getting to the right classroom at the right time. I can totally understand. A natural rules follower myself, this was my secondary concern when I was a student. (The first, of course, being those g-d combination locks.) So I told her that the teachers usually give everyone a break for the first week or so, until you get your little routine down. I told her by the third day, she will feel pretty comfy with where things are. She seemed relieved to hear this.

V and her little (biological) sister live with their mom and grandma. They just got a dog who looks like a pit bull mix. Her name is Zoe and she's very sweet. What I think is really cool is that the mom, the younger sister and V are all cloggers. And apparently, pretty good at it -- V just tried out for the competitive team, and she made it! If you are not familiar with this part of the country, you might not know about clogging. It's like....Riverdance. Kinda. But more country-music oriented (IMHO). And there's outfits. Colorful, sequined, knee-length dresses with crinolines that they wear for their recitals and competitions. This is right up my alley -- bring on the girly-girl stuff!! Let me see if I can find a video so you can see clogging in action. It's pretty cool! Take a look at an example:


Other than clogging, V is into Hannah Montana and The Jonas Brothers. So I am rapidly becoming acquainted with this whole pre-teen phenomenon. Apparently, there's a lot of albums and 3-D concerts on the Disney Channel. Oh, and Nick is the hottest Jonas Brother. That's what I've learned so far.

V and I hung out last night. We took Sammy on a walk in her neighborhood and she told me all about camp. She just went to camp for the first time, and she loved it. I was very relieved to hear this, because I. HATED. CAMP. I thought it was the most horrible idea ever, and begged my mother to never ever take me there again. The Czarina, always the penny-pincher, was happy to oblige this request. So aside from one horrible week the summer after 5th grade, I was spared this experience.

Why did I hate camp so much? The main reason was that it seemed everyone brought their best friend with them to camp. I apparently missed this memo and arrived solo at Camp Merri-Mac, which is located near Asheville, NC and is probably a wonderful camp, if you are not 11 year old VB. But I was a naive 11 year old, so when I was being dropped off at camp, I was a ball of excitement, ready to pack my days full of all the fun activities you find at camp.

I remember that all the cabins were named after celestial bodies: moons, stars, planets, etc. I remember getting excited about the fact that my cabin was called "The Milky Way", because that is and always has been my favorite candy bar. "This is a good sign," I thought. So I got to my cabin, greeted by my super nice counselor, Jodie. Jodie, I would find out later, was from Michigan, which at the time seemed as exotic as India to me. (I didn't get out a lot.) The first thing Jodie did was give me a "fun size" Milky Way candy bar. So far, camp ROCKED. I remember thinking, "Ok, Mom, you can go away now!" (Actually, I think this a lot...but anyway.)

After talking with my mom for a minute, Jodie took me inside the cabin and announced my arrival and introduced me to the other girls in my cabin. They all said "Hi" and then went right back to what they were doing. The bliss of summer camp all came to a screeching halt when I realized that all the other girls in my cabin were already paired up, because they had gotten that "bring your best friend or camp will suck donkey balls" memo. And they had no interest in me whatsoever. They were gathered in pairs, talking excitedly as they unpacked. I was being ignored. Not that I am an attention-seeking person, but I was old enough to realize they were intentionally sending me an unfriendly vibe.

Since I was new to the whole camp idea, I had a lot of questions for the other campers. Where do I put my toiletries? What time do we get up in the morning? My questions were met with one word answers. I got the impression that they all just wanted me to leave them alone. And since I was extra-super shy and possessed the self-esteem of a homeless crackhead prostitute at that stage in life, I didn't do anything about it. So I spent the week alone, silent and shunned.

I definitely got a very snooty vibe from the other girls. I remember one of them looking at me with disgust when I told her that I hadn't started shaving my legs yet. I still remember what town she was from: Jupiter, Florida. She had long blonde hair, subscribed to Seventeen and shopped at some mysterious place called "The Gap". She already looked like a teenager. I, on the other hand, still had baby fat and secretly played with Barbies and wore clothes my mother picked out at Stein-Mart. She watched 90210. I watched Disney movies. Forming a picture in your head yet? Yeah, it was kind of sad, really. This Florida Girl was sort of the ring-leader and enabled the snootiness to percolate in the cabin for the entire week. I can still see her face when I close my eyes. Brown eyes, bangs, a turned up nose.

My counselor, Jodie, was extremely nice and I believe, totally clueless about how Florida Girl treated me. I still like the name Jodie because of her. Jodie = fun size Milky Way bars. It's a good association to have.

Anyway, there was only one other girl in the cabin who shared my fate. Her bed was directly under mine. We shared a bunk because we were the only two girls who hadn't arrived with best friends from home. I can't remember her name, either. But I remember she had frizzy brown hair and big red Sally Jessy Raphael glasses. She liked animals and she talked too much. So she was an even bigger dork than I was. She was easy pickings for the snooty group in our cabin. By default, she and I hung out together for the week, despite the fact that I didn't really enjoy her company. But I do remember sticking up for her when someone said something mean about her.

Ah, pre-teen girls.............they are possibly the most evil and cruel group of humans on Earth.

Where was I? Oh yes. The rest of camp was not very memorable. I remember lanyards and archery and swimming and Shepherd's Pie. But mostly, I remember feeling rejected, extremely lonely and homesick. It was the first time I had ever been away from home longer than a night. It was the first time in my life I had no one to talk to or "play" with. (Remember, I am from a big family, so being alone is a foreign concept to me, and very scary, actually.) I remember crying quietly into my pillow, so the mean girls wouldn't hear me and make fun of me. It was horrible!

By mid-week, I was counting down the days until my mother would arrive to pick me up. Finally, she came! I have never loaded my stuff into any vehicle so quickly in my entire life. Then, she and I did the COOLEST thing that almost erased my traumatic week at camp: we stayed in a bed & breakfast in Asheville and went to Biltmore the next day before we drove home to Virginia. I don't think my mom knows how much better this made the whole experience for me. If it hadn't been for that portion of my time in the Asheville, NC area, I would vow never to near that horrible part of the country again.

To this day, I have a tendency to go out of my way to make new people feel welcome, or at least not lonely and shunned. And I also have a tendency to hang out with people who are alone, even if I don't enjoy their company. Weird how things that happen to you in childhood stick with you.

Did you go to camp? Did you like it?

Annivesary Present??

Thanks, everyone, for all the supportive comments (and emails) on my last post. It is really comforting to get some reassurance on that! Every once in a while, my normally great mother turns into a total wack job. Ugh. Mothers.

Anyway, let's move on. I have a dilemma and I need your help. I have two weeks to figure out what to do to celebrate a one year anniversary with CN. Yes, it's been that long. It feels like it's only been 6 months.

The problem is, I am having a rare moment of indecisiveness. At first, we talked about taking a trip somewhere for the weekend (Labor Day weekend is basically our anniversary). We talked about maybe Charleston or Asheville, but it seemed so expensive, so I told CN that we shouldn't do all that.

"Oh, sweetie, that's too expensive. Let's just stay here in town and go out to a nice dinner," I said.

"Ok, how about The Melting Pot? You've always said how much you love it, and I've never been," he said.

"Yes, I do love that restaurant. But it's so expensive. Like, you will drop $100," I replied.

"So?" he said.

Anyway, our plans are kind of up in the air, because I can't decide what I want to do, and CN is basically down for whatever. I really would love to take a weekend trip, but it's expensive and the traffic will be horrendous (it will be on Labor Day weekend). But it would be nice to share an experience like that together. We've been talking about taking a weekend trip somewhere for MONTHS. I guess we could split the cost 50/50 and that would make it simple. And then we wouldn't have to worry about presents for each other.

Staying here just seems kind of...ho hum. And once we are done eating at Melting Pot, that's it. It's over. No photos. No memories. No keepsakes. Just a bloated and sleepy feeling from eating too much (seriously, y'all, I stuff myself SILLY at that place). So I'm not totally loving this idea.

Then there's the problem of what kind of a gift to get. If we do go the Melting Pot route, I need to get him something. Do I get something sentimental, like a photo memory book? Or should I just get a regular gift? I could get tickets to an event for us. Or a conglomerate of small gifts that I know he would like...

ARGH.

You see, about a week ago, I had it all planned out: We were going to do Melting Pot and I was going to give him tickets to a USC football game. This would have been the perfect present because the first time CN and I hung out, we tailgated at a USC game. So it was a gift that is sentimental, something we could do together and it would be a memory-making experience. Bingo!

My friend's dad was the guy with the tickets for sale. He was selling them at face value, which is unheard of. But by the time my friend asked him about the tickets, he had already promised them to someone else. DANG!

So now I'm back to the drawing board. USC tickets are like $100 a piece, if you can find them at all, and that's for the bad seats! So it's a little out of the budget for me.

Do you think I should get/do something that is a joint activity? Something romantic? (Yes, he's the kind of guy who might actually like that sort of thing. I mean, not like flowers. But he's a really sentimental person.) Or should I just get a regular gift and leave it at that?

I have been pouring over RedEnvelope.com, FindGift.com and the Atlanta Falcons website (he's a major fan) all morning. And I've got nada.

Does anyone have any ideas? Have you ever received/given a kick-ass anniversary present? Keep in mind that CN is not into any of the following activities:

golf
playing sports
wine
hard liquor
cigars
adrenaline-junkie activities like cliff diving
dressing up (so cuff links are out)

This eliminates like, 80% of the gifts out there. He's basically into beer, Hooters, the Falcons, the Braves, the Gamecocks, his Jeep, music and his Playstation 2. Guys are so hard to shop for!!!! I asked him what he wanted, and do you know what he said? He said he wanted a hooker. I told him no.

I have already gotten him tix to a Falcons game in the past, so that's out. So is an iPod shuffle. And I can't afford one of these, or one of these, even though I know he'd love to get one. Besides, they aren't very romantic, and I'd rather spend that kind of money at Christmas, anyway.

Anyone have any ideas???? At this point, I'm considering going back to the original weekend trip plan, and we split the costs. Hmmmm....... HELP!