Some Blogging Goals...

1. Write shorter posts and comments. No one cares that much, VB. Well, no one except The Czarina and she can never find out about this blog.

2. Learn how to put pictures on your blog! This is ridiculous for a visual learner to have no pictures on their own blog! It can't be that hard. Reading the Blogger directions over and over is obviously not helping you. Try something different. Get someone to show your visual-learning ass how to do it. Perhaps purchase a digital camera to inspire yourself?

3. Write more themed posts, full of collected thoughts about dating/relationships/people/life rather than day-to-day ramblings about your not-very-interesting life. Think less school-girl diary, more adult woman column. Unless it's something really juicy!

4. Work on the aesthetics of your blog. It is inconsistent and could be better. You know how to do it. Now take the time to make it pretty.

5. Start working on your novel. Finish reading this article about blogging a novel. Don't forget to protect it with some kind of copyright if you choose to do so.

6. Remember to keep in mind that anything you post could be read by anyone. Even your boss. Even The Czarina. So play nice. And nothing over borderline PG-13.

7. Stop reading blogs all the time. Live your life, already. It would probably allow you to have more blog-worthy moments! (And the vicious cycle begins....)

Shoot. The hard part about posting this is that now I will look like an idiot if I don't follow these at least partially. I guess all I can do is cross my fingers...any advice, readers? Thanks to The Daily Sketch for reminding me about all this stuff in his most recent post!

Flat and Flattery

Oops! I haven't been keeping my readers posted on stuff. Sorry to both of you! :)

This is a very happy post, unlike my last post. Friday night Coworker K and I hung out with The Wild Youngins and we played drinking games. Well, they drank, I just played. Has anyone ever played Three Man? I hadn't played this in years, and we had so much fun. If you get to roll the dice five times, you get to make a rule. Mack Daddy noticed we were all sitting boy-girl-boy-girl at the table and so his rule was that before you drink, you have to grab the boob of the person on your left. It was hysterical! We made jokes about men wanting to feel women's "squishy parts". Mack Daddy brings out the pervert in me. We were all laughing our butts off.

I have some exciting and good news! Coworker K and I have put a deposit down on an apartment (or "flat" as some may call it!). We will be moving in sometime this month! Yay! We went looking around this weekend and stumbled upon this great apartment complex. It is close to everything I need on a regular basis: grocery store, Mexican restaurant and work. We are just across the bridge from downtown, which comes in handy for dining and entertainment purposes. We are also near the Riverwalk, which is wonderful for taking walks. The only things it is not close to are my gym and Target. But you can't have it all, you know? The apartments are pretty new and very nice. We will each have our own bathroom, we are close to the pool, there is a carwash area and even some gas grills for summer barbeques! It will end up costing me about the same as I'm spending now. But by far the best part is that the entire apartment will be Bigfoot-free! Less than thirty days, y'all!!!

Here is the even cooler part: I have always wanted a dog and their fee for pets is really pretty reasonable. So there might be a new addition to the VB clan soon. I will wait until I move, of course.

I also got a new cell phone this weekend. My old one could sell as "antique" on eBay. It kept dropping calls and acting funny. After almost 4 years, it was time. I am now in the 21st century with my color screen, camera and downloadable ringtones! I can't wait to start taking secret pictures of hot guys!

My date on Saturday went very well! Repo is a really nice guy who is very easy to talk to. He is very ambitious and hard-working, both pluses in my book. He totally respects the fact that I don't drink--big points with me. And he smells good! We have the same sense of humor and are both college basketball fans. We bonded over our shared college experiences and our fathers' deaths. Weird date topic, I know. It just kind of came up. But he did say the coolest, most flattering thing to me. He said that in order to take me out on Saturday, he had to come in early every day all week and skip some lunch breaks! WOW! Talk about earning some brownie points! I was so flattered, I was literally speechless. That definitely made up for the fact that he was The Man With No Plan. He obviously just plans differently! If he's willing to do that just for a first date (with absolutely no physical contact, I might add), imagine what else he will be willing to do when the chips are down! He has "Supportive, Thoughtful and Attentive Potential Boyfriend!" written all over him. Hmmmm.....I think he has some smooches in his near future.....

Since I was bummed out about my Dad, I was probably kind of negative on the date, but I will try to be in a better mood on our next date, which will probably be this weekend. He said he is going to try and get us some basketball tix. I told him I have to have my girl time, since I didn't get to see The Nurses this weekend--they all had to work! Gotta check with my girls so we can schedule a Girls' Night. I'll keep ya posted!

WLF

This weekend marked the one-year anniversary of my father's death. He had COPD (like emphysema). It has been a long and difficult year, but my family is hanging in there. Although The Czarina always wore the pants in the family, Dad was the rock upon which we were all based.

To date, he is the only person whom I believe loved me unconditionally. No one was ever more excited to talk to me or see me. Every time I would leave, he would give me these big, sad puppy-dog eyes and plead with me to stay just one more day. I was quite the Daddy's Girl, I guess. I miss him every day. It's still hard not to cry, and probably will be for some time.

In a lot of ways, I feel his presence and know that he is with us, watching. (Some of these ways are kind of creepy in a ghost-story kind of way. Maybe I'll tell you about them one day.) I'll never hear his voice again or have him walk me down the aisle, but he has given me things which I will have for the rest of my life: a love of learning, a love of all things Southern, and a love of dessert. He gave me a few nicknames, one of which is the title of this blog. He left behind a large, loving family, a really messy office and some of the most loyal friends anyone could ask for. He also left behind a dozen or so stuffed animals (the taxidermy kind, not the toy kind). I will be sure to carry on our shared personality traits. I, too, am patient, affectionate and goofy. I too love history, ghost stories and candy. He taught me how to drive stick-shift cars, how to have fun while still making good grades in college and how to discern The Czarina's mood swings.

It was The Czarina's idea to make me keep every letter she and Dad wrote to me when I was in college and when I was a teacher. I'm really glad I listened to her, because as I was cleaning out some stuff the other day, I came upon one. It was short--all it said was

Why? Because you need it and because I love you.--W.L.F.

I remember that it held a $50 check for a bill I couldn't pay. He signed it W.L.F., a nickname he gave himself. It stands for World's Leading Father. And he was.

Wherever you are, W.L.F., I miss you and love you. I hope I make you proud every day.

Love, Actually

Just browsing my favorite blogs today and found this on Candy Addict.

So much more applicable and realistic than the originals, don't you think?

My favorites are "peaked at 17" and "pillow huggin"! Ha ha! Enjoy...

And thanks to the Candy Addict for this entertaining kick-off to the holiday that is the bane of every single girl's existance! At least I will have a smile on my face this year!

P.S. Why are there no "Congratulations on Being Single and Fabulous!" cards? Or "Singles are Smarter!" parties? What day do we celebrate "Happy Singles Day"? These are all things that should exist. Our society, which has a large percentage of single people in it, should stop giving couples all the attention with engagements, weddings, Valentine's and baby showers. (No offense, couples, but people who stay single longer than you have to go on a LOT more bad dates than those of you who have already cashed in your chips. We deserve a holiday too! And some gifts, dang it! Do you know how expensive your registries are? It's payback time!)

Come to think of it, I'm going to write more on this topic.....stay tuned.

The Ultimate Question

Get happiness out of your work or you may never know what happiness is.-- Elbert Hubbard

For many people, the Ultimate Question is "Why are we here?", "Do aliens really exist?", "Will my dog go to heaven?", "How do I know if he's The One?" or even "Why are there so many morons with drivers' licenses?" My Ultimate Question is the same as Po Bronson's: "What do I do with my life?" Some people wish for a winning lottery ticket. I wish to know what job I'm supposed to have. Everything else is just gravy. And unless your Ultimate Question is the same as mine, you will never understand how much some people dread Mondays.

I don't blog about it much because it's kind of dangerous. Anyone remember The Washingtonienne? Not that I am involved in anything scandalous like that, but I think I did read somewhere about a girl who was fired for bashing her job on her blog. So I'm not going to come out and say where I work. It's a library. I'll leave it at that. Talking about my job is depressing/stressful for me, and besides, I try not to be a whiner as I'm truly blessed for the most part. It's actually a pretty cushy job. But like many things in my life, I obsess over it. Anyone who knows me personally knows how much I struggle with this. It is a bigger concern to me than my love life, if you can believe that! But like most of my obsessions, I get overwhelmed when I think about it. So instead, I do nothing at all because I fear every decision will be the wrong decision and then one day I'll wake up at age 40 and have a breakdown because my life is wholly unfulfilling and I'm miserable, but it's too late now, I blew it. (Yes, I know this is illogical. Just go with it, Ok? I live in fear of making huge, irreversible mistakes in my career path.)

I envy most of my friends who are happily employed, talk about their jobs outside of work and feel the desire to advance their careers. I'm about the only person I know who answers, "No, I don't." when asked if they like their job. I just want to pretend I don't have this job in the hopes that it will enable me to escape it more quickly. Sort of like an ostrich sticking its head in the sand, or the opposite of Field of Dreams: If you deny it, it will leave.

So how did I get here? Let's look at my work history...

From birth until fifth grade, I wanted to be an artist. For days on end, I colored and drew pictures. (Anyone looking at these "masterpieces" now would be bored to tears--I drew the same two things over and over: a red house on a hill and My Little Ponies. Early evidence of my obsessive personality. I was always trying to draw them better than last time!) I also played school and "office". My love of teaching, learning and color-coded office supplies began early.

As a typical youngster, I babysat. I loved the money, but realized retrospectively that I had no business being entrusted with peoples' children. My idea of babysitting was forcing the kids to play with their toys in a separate room while I watched MTV and ate whatever I found in the fridge. It started to grate on me when I realized I was not legally allowed to spank them. Violence was the only way of dealing with conflict in my family, so to have this option removed left me frustrated and clueless. I had to sit on my hands to keep from smacking some of the little brats.(I love kids, I swear! My mom wouldn't let me watch MTV as a kid, and so it was the only chance I got to watch it. I checked on the kids to make sure they weren't bleeding or anything. Sheesh! I wasn't that irresponsible.)

My first real job was at Kroger's where I worked in the video rental department. We sold lottery tickets there, too. I learned a lot at my first job: taxes suck, people are really testy about late fines, some people are scam artists, some people have gambling problems and some people do nothing but watch movies. I also learned some stuff about myself: I cannot count change in my head, I hate doing busy work and I am pretty good at The Kevin Bacon Game.

After that, I waited tables for many many years. Sounds crazy, but I actually didn't mind it so much. I was usually busy from the minute I got there until I left, I felt I had actually earned my pay, I could go home if there was nothing to do, my coworkers were all pretty cool, there was a lot of social interaction, smoking was totally acceptable, I always had cash and it was easy to under-report my earnings to the government. I even got to burn calories while running around and at the end of my shift, all my meals were half off! Aside from my feet hurting and smelling like onion rings at the end of the night, it was pretty good. I miss it sometimes, actually.

Meanwhile, slowly, my love affair with history grew. From fifth grade until my junior year of college, I wanted to be an archaeologist. Then I realized that following that career path involves getting very dirty on a regular basis and wearing rather unflattering outfits. Not really my style. To boot, I came to realize that my brain does not work in the way a scientist's brain should and I'd be left in the dust--no pun intended. It was sad to let the phrase "I'm going to the Valley of the Kings next month." fall out of my vocabulary, but there's always Indiana Jones movies.

My senior year, I panicked, realizing that if I didn't think of something quick, I'd be living in my parents' basement. I had always considered teaching, so I started to apply for teaching jobs, and I got one. I loved it. I jumped out of bed every morning and spent every waking minute trying to figure out how I could be a better teacher. It appealed to my personality: I had to be organized, think clearly, prioritize, be flexible, be able to deal with different types of people, be consistent, and be able to work in a fast-paced environment (just like waiting tables!). To boot, I got to be fairly creative, write with a red pen and buy lots of office supplies. Every day had a new problem, there was always work to do, I enjoyed most of my students and most of my coworkers. My students loved me (well, most of them!) and I felt like I was making a difference in the world, even if it was a tiny one. My boss thought I was doing a great job, too--I always got great reviews. He wanted me to take some education courses so I could get certified (I had been a history major, not an ed major and was hired as thanks to an emergency teacher shortage clause). "Ok, sure!" I said. (Anything to be a better teacher!) "Great! But you have to pay for them," he said. That was when reality set in.

I knew going into it I wouldn't be making a lot of money. I didn't know "not a lot of money" means "$8.00 in your bank account after you pay your bills." --I'm not exaggerating. I had more spending money when I was a college student. As someone who cannot add or subtract, I can assure you that I watched every penny that year! I still bounced lots of checks. I had to borrow money from The Czarina all the time. Any unexpected bill threw me for a loop. I had a wake-up call when I paid for an Extra Value Meal with nothing but nickels. The drive-thru girl glared at me when I handed them to her. I suddenly realized: as much as I love this, I need more money or I will start to hate it. I did the math and realized I made more money waitressing--before I had a college degree. To make it even more insulting, school pay scales were not merit-based, but seniority-based. This meant that while I slaved away at twelve hour days, trying to improve my techniques at cramming information into my students' brains, the lazy teacher who did nothing all day (and left with the kids at 2:30) was paid four times what I was paid. It made me resentful.

By the end of the year, I was burned out, resentful and broke. When I told my boss I wasn't renewing my contract, I cried. I cried when I told my students, and I cried even harder on the last day of school. I miss it almost every day. Sometimes I think I made the wrong decision.

The deciding factor had been a random opportunity to attend grad school for free. I knew it was a one-time shot, so I went ahead and accepted the grant--how can you say no to a free degree? It paid for all my tuition and about half of my bills. But I had no idea what to get my masters' in. The Czarina suggested library science since it's flexible. Which is true. And since I didn't have a better idea, library science it was. I have hated it ever since. I almost dropped out three times. Do you remember the movie Legally Blonde? There is a scene in it where Elle, the slightly bimbo-esque sorority girl decides to go to law school. She shows up at her first class looking cute and sparkly and sticks out like a sore thumb because her classmates are all these stuffy, preppy, brainiac nerds. She wonders where all the parties are and why everyone is taking school so seriously. This is VB going to library school in a nutshell.

No offense to any other librarians who may be reading this, but a lot of the stereotypes are true. Librarians, in general, are either really weird or really geeky. They aren't very social or fun. Very often they are both weird and geeky, and old to boot. They do not know the meaning of happy hour or value anything remotely fashionable. Take my boss, for example. She participates in some, uh, alternative hobbies. (If you really want to know, email me--it won't disappoint, I promise!) And here I am, young, single, former sorority girl with long blonde hair who reads Cosmo and parties every weekend--I'm the weird one! Do you remember how on Sesame Street they split the screen into quarters and sang a song along the lines of, "Which one of these does not belong?" Yeah, I'm the one that doesn't belong! If I had a nickel for every time someone said, "You don't look like a librarian!" I would be able to get another Extra Value Meal. If you don't even look like you are in the right field, it's a sign.

So not only am I a fish out of water socially/personality-wise in this career, I'm also bored to tears. Sitting at a desk, waiting for someone to walk up to you gets old. If no one asks me anything, I have nothing to do. Dealing with the public is getting old as well. Many are weirdos themselves: cranky, smelly, cannot communicate a clear thought, they are incredibly stupid or lazy... you name it. And some of you may think this sounds funny, but I wish I worked with some men! Don't get me wrong--my coworkers are one of the few great parts about my job. They are some of the coolest librarians around. But it would be nice to have some male company, and I'm not implying that it is for flirting purposes (although, if some hot n single 30 year old gets a job here, you won't catch me protesting!). I just enjoy the company of men and I enjoy working with them. They are the ying to the female yang, or whatever.

I have no interest in this field whatsoever. Don't wanna go to conferences, advance my career or learn about the future of librarianship. Don't want my boss's job, either. I would be required to deal with even more boredom and cranky people. I take this as another sign.

I want a job where I show up and my boss hands me a huge stack of papers and says, "VB, I need these all finished by 5:00. Can you do it? Even if I need them collated, filed and edited? They are a mess and I really need them squared away. Then I need you to help me figure out how to plan for our big annual event." And I will say, "Why yes! I'd love to! Do you want me to create a coordinating paper clip/highlighter system for them as well? And would you like me to train the new guy? When I'm done with that, I should have time to think up some ideas for your presentation and our annual event. Then I can work with Bob on our project and advise Susie on her project."

That sounds like a secretary....hmmmm....that's another thing I played as a kid...

Anyway, I don't like my job, and the only way I know to get career happy is by the trial-and-error method. Is that what everyone else does? Or are people just born knowing? People who have always known what they wanted to be when they grew up amaze me. It is a concept so foreign, it's like they are from Solmalia or something. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not designed to have a career...it's not that I'm lazy. Maybe my brain is just not cut out for jobs. I wouldn't mind getting in touch with my Martha Stewart side...perhaps I'm a housewife-in-waiting.

I wish I was one of those people who is passionate about something specific. I am not deep in my interests, I am wide. I don't have much passion for anything (well, maybe lipstick) but I have lots of little passions for many things. Does that make sense? I have diagnosed myself with what I call OCD ADD. This means that I will become totally enamored with a career and obsess about trying it (OCD) but then I lose interest and move on (ADD). I'm crazy, right?

Every week my dream job changes: real estate agent, writer, teacher (again), professor, public relations, advertising, editing, marketing, nursing, paralegal, caterer, small business owner....I could go on, but you get the picture.

So, I don't know where I'm going, but hopefully I'll know when I get there! Anyone who can advise me or sympathize with me is welcome to comment!

And thanks to Modigli for the post inspiration! I told ya you weren't the only one, girl!

Libraries and Lap Dances

So I went out with The Lawyer this weekend. He was nice. He was funny. He was smart. He was great on paper. But he was just a little too unsure of himself and somewhat...vanilla. And fidgety. He is a bona fide Wimpy Nice Guy.

I have decided there are four types of Nice Guys: Wimpy, Clingy, Nerdy and True. This conclusion is a result of a discussion we had during an episode of Wednesday Trivia Night. You can read a summary of my types here on Stuckey's blog. My point in discussing the four types is that just because you are a nice guy doesn't mean you are desirable. Most of these guys get TFZ'd pretty fast. So for any Nice Guys reading this who are fed up with being single, you might be in one of these four categories.

Bigfoot has not come out of his room since I've been home...which is odd for him. He's almost always in the kitchen 24/7. Maybe he is sick? If he is, I will make him some soup or get him food/medicine, even though I hate his smelly guts. I figure I need some good karma floating around after this weekend. Good thing I donated to some charities this month! Whew! Hopefully it will serve as a buffer!

I was confrontational with four different people this weekend! This is a record for me by far. Usually I average about one every six months. So I think I'm stressed out or something. (Maybe I just need to get some?) You know something is up when you are yelling at the drive-thru girl at McDonald's. (I sat in the drive-thru for twenty minutes and when I got to the front of the line, she asked me, "Ok, what did you order again?"---grrrrr....) So I think I will try and lug my shriveled Philip Morris lungs over to the new gym to burn off some rage. And distract myself from the physically painful nic fit I'm having. Must. Think. Healthy.....*gasp!*

This week I'm going to try and live what I like to refer to as The Hot Girl Lifestyle. It is how I imagine those really hot girls live. They always seem so magically....together. It's sort of an "If I were Cameron Diaz, what would I be doing right now?" concept. I will try to get back to my 5-days-a-week workout schedule, keep my nails manicured, my room clean, my outfits cute, my meals low-cal, my to-do list completed, my bedtime early, my phone calls returned and my mood happy. There is more, but you get the idea. I haven't lived the HGL since about early December, so I'm out of practice. I've been enjoying my Bad Girl Phase of cigarettes, naps, cranky attitude and fattening food. Then this weekend I added drama to boot. That is a sign it's time to rise up out of the ashes and get back to reality. This first week back will feel more like HGL bootcamp, but I'll just have to suck it up. Pray for me!

So a funny thing happened to me today. I did some real, actual work at work! Wow! But that's not the funny part. I was typing up something for people who have never used our library before. You need a photo ID to check out books, and people often need to print off lots of stuff from the computers. We have recently started charging for printing and I wanted to remind them of this. After typing the last line, I realized it was the same advice I would give to someone who was going to a strip club for the first time:

Don't forget your ID and lots of dollar bills!

A Recommended Post

DD and Daily Sketch want me to post this. It's actually Sketch's post, but they want me to post my comment there as my own post. So here goes... my thoughts on marriage and divorce, a topic I have zero experience with other than my observations of my parents' and grandparents' very happy marriages of over 25 years.

I'm flattered, guys! And Sketch, I give credit to you for such an interesting topic!

The Drama Queen

The psychic was this sweet, tiny, foreign lady. I can't place her accent, but I liked her immediatly. The only wierd thing was, there were hundreds of stuffed animals and Valentine's Day gift baskets all over the house. It looked like she had bought an entire aisle of Valentine's Day stuff from Wal-Mart. There were whole rooms in her house filled with these baskets! I found out later that she sells them on the side, but it was still distracting. And I'm wondering if it is some kind of omen for my love life? She took me into a room, sat down across from me and held my hand.

Most of what she said was complete bunk (K went with me and she said the psychic said many of the same things to her), but she did say a few things to me about my life and future. She told me that even though The Big Ex and I still keep in touch and still care about each other, we are not meant to be together because there are too many obstacles. She also said I have doubts about being with him. She told me that us getting together would not be what I'm supposed to do. I have to say, I agree. It was kind of cool to hear someone agree with me, though...

The next thing she said to me was that she knew I didn't like my job. True! She said for me not to worry because in about six months, I will have a lot of changes in my life. I will get a new job that I love, move closer to home and then I will meet "my soulmate" in less than two years. I have not met "my soulmate" yet. (This was a relief, because if I was supposed to end up with someone I already know, it would be a depressing thought!) While I don't believe in soulmates, it was nice for someone to tell me I'm not going to end up an old maid!

I don't know if she is a real psychic or not, but at least I have a reason to look forward to the summer now! The Czarina was happy to hear that I would be moving back to Virginia. We'll have to see what happens...

I had so much fun on Girl's Night! I had on a cute new top and wore my fishnets with stilettos. I had a good hair day to boot! I was ready to party hardy when I left my house. I went out with The Nurses: Blonde, Brunette and P. Blonde's roommate, A, also came along and brought another friend with her. We started at Liberty's, my favorite bar in town. I tell you what, I think just about everyone in town was out last night! It was super crowded! I saw the crew from the football games, Dr. Seuss and a lawyer Blonde nurse knows. To be polite, I said hi to Dr. Seuss and he said he had seen me at the gym but I left before he got a chance to talk to me. He wanted to know if he could still call me, and I told him no. I reminded him about how weird he was on the phone and how he had all these assumptions and expectations after only two dates. I also reminded him that he hung up on me, which is a definite dealbreaker. He seemed disappointed, but I just can't date someone who is such a drama queen!

Then we went to The Wild Hare, and who did I pass on my way to the bathroom? FedSucksy. And I was definitely FedUp! I "accidentally" bumped into him. Oops. Then I met back up with The Girls to tell them who I just saw. Brunette handed me a large drink and said, "Here you go!" with a big grin on her face. I took it back over to where he was standing and said, "Aren't you going to introduce me?" And he told me who he was with. I told the girl he was talking to what he did to me and she said she'd be pretty pissed if someone did that to her. She said that was a jerk move and that he probably should apologize. He said that if I had come over her for an apology, I was wasting my time. I told him I didn't come over for an apology, I came over there to call him an asshole. Then I dumped the whole drink on him!

I figured that since he already thought I was a drama queen, I might as well live up to his expectations! And you know what? Being a drama queen feels good sometimes! I've never done that before, and I probably won't ever do it again, but I just think people who do what he did deserve public humiliation.

Soon we left and went to Saddle Ridge, where we saw a girl in a dress that was more of a band-aid than anything else. It was past short--it was a feat of engineering! I don't see how she could have done it without double-sided tape! Every guy in there was watching her, waiting for her butt to pop out. A guy that works there told us that she is a regular and wears stuff like that all the time. I also ran into MIA, and we had a chat. But aside from that, Saddle Ridge was lame, so we left. Blonde, her roommate A and the other girl decided to call it a night, so they went home. This left Brunette, P and me. We went to Local's.

The crew from New Year's Eve always hangs out there, and since they are really fun, we were hoping to run into them. Brunette and I have decided to dub them "The Wild Young'ns" since most of them are a couple years younger than Brunette and I. They are all fun and always keep us out too late, usually get most of us drunk and make us feel like we are in college again! The Wild Young'ns consists of J-Rich (aka Little Brother), JD, Mack Daddy, Big Poppa, Repo and two girls--R&L. And the really hot guy I kissed on New Year's knows them, too. Anyway, last night, only Big Poppa, hot New Year's guy and Repo were there. Big Poppa had sunglasses on and glitter all over him. I guess some girl dumped a big bag of glitter on him. He was beyond wasted, so he was cracking us all up with his singing-and-dancing-glitter-covered self--(they play really good music there). I was sitting down at the bar because my feet were killing me, and Big Poppa proceeds to tell me that Repo has a thing for me. I didn't really know what to say, because I was thinking Nurse P liked him. In a little while, we went to Knock-Knock Club, which is a dance club best described as a stinky fire hazard. There are always about 4.2 million sweaty drunk people crammed into a room that is about the size of a large living room. We all danced there for a while, but had to keep stopping because it was too hot! I did tell Nurse P that I was still getting the idea that Repo was into me, but I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole if she was interested in him even remotely. She assured me that she isn't and that she even has a crush on one of her coworkers! She told me to go for it. It was getting late, and we were getting tired, so we began to get ready to leave. Repo asked for my number and I gave it to him, so we will see if he will call....

I hit the pillow at about 4:15 am. I think I have permanently damaged my feet from being in stilettos for six hours!

Weekend Previews...

* This afternoon, when I get off of work, I'm going to a psychic with my work buddy, K. I have never been to one before, and I am so excited! I'm going to intentionally tell her nothing about me just to see what she knows. She will read my tarot cards for just $35! This is a bargain, I think. (Actually, I'm probably a total sucker, but it should be interesting, at least!)

* Tonight is Girl's Night with The Nurses and whomever else we can get to go with us. We went out to dinner earlier this week, but we want to go out since we haven't had much of Blonde Nurse's time lately. She has a new man, so she has been busy. I think I will wear my black pencil skirt with fishnets and my new black stilettos.....(I think my mojo came back while I was asleep last night!)

*Tomorrow morning I will check out my new gym, which is supposed to be awesome. I'm just hoping it's not super crowded because that will get on my nerves. I went yesterday just as a quick reconnaisance mission, but tomorrow I will have a full-on workout, complete with BodyPump class. And of course, I will watch my favorite thing in the whole wide world: men doing pull-ups. It. is. so. hot.

* I have a date with The Lawyer on Saturday night. He called me last night to ask me out. Then he said, "Great! What do you want to do?" --Heads up/piece of advice for single men reading this: never say this. Before you call, always have a plan in mind. Always be the man with the plan. When you don't have something in mind, you are giving the girl the impression that you haven't put much thought into the date (We aren't important? That's not good), you aren't very assertive (You don't trust yourself enough to offer an idea--also not good), you aren't someone with fun ideas (really not good) and you expect the girl to do the work (um...you asked us out. We just have to look really good and show up. Wait until date 3 before asking us this question. Until then, your goal should be to try and impress the hell out of us--maybe even impress the pants off of us?-- by showing us how much fun we have been missing because we haven't been dating you.) Always be the man with the plan! My prediction for The Lawyer? Two dates, tops. Then I will get tired of his wimpyness. He is giving every indication that he is a Wimpy Nice Guy. These guys are usually TFZ'd (put into The Friend Zone) pretty quickly.

*XY told me about this dating discussion panel that he will be on. It's some talk given by an organization here in town and it is dating-related. It's sort of a spin on "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." He's going to meet up with the person in charge of it on Sunday to see what all is involved in being on the panel and to ask if I can be on the Female Panel. I hope so! I'd love to do that! I like to think I'm a good representative for single women....at the very least, I'll be going to it and will drag all my girlfriends along. Then I will be that annoying audience member with all the questions after the discussion is over. I'll keep you all posted, of course! (Why don't things like this go on all the time? It would be handy, sort of like a support group for singles!)

Must run! Time for the weekend to begin!

Heavy Petting on a Wednesday Night

Heavy Petting consists of four people: XX, XY, Stuckey and me. Now, before you get all excited that I'm going to describe some kind of a risque hobby of mine, let me just say it's only the fruit of perverted minds. It's our team name when we get together on Wednesdays for trivia competitions held at Jillian's.

Team Heavy Petting met up again last night for our weekly outing. Before heading over to our usual hang-out, we stopped by the monthly happy hour held by a social club to which three of us belong. Team Richardson (XX and XY) and yours truly all belong to YPS (Young Professionals Society) of Columbia. It's usually a good time because you can meet lots of other "yuppies", grab free food and even conduct some career networking. Often I see friends or acquaintances of mine there. Plus, there's always lots of yummy eye candy. Ok,ok, I confess. That's the main reason I go. This month's gathering was especially good in the eye candy department. But after my bad luck lately, I just wasn't in the mood to fool with the effort required to flirt with cute boys. My mojo is on hiatus.

We brought Stuckey with us, who was not happy about wearing a tie after 5pm and who dubbed all people in the room "yuppies", which I guess they are....anyway, the venue wasn't very good for mingling (too much room to spread out) so we were about to leave when The Lawyer came over to say hi to me. I met him at the last YPS party just before the holidays and we hadn't really talked since. We had both been busy: I was unreachable for about two weeks in December, he had gone to DC for the first half of January for work and then he just realized his cell phone had been deleting all of his voice mail messages. (This has happened to people I know before, so I believe him.) We chatted for a minute and he said he wanted to hang out, but I informed him I already had plans for the evening. He said he wanted to take me out sometime and I said that would be nice. I told him to call me.

Heavy Petting proceeded over to Jillian's. Our booth was right next to a large party of mostly men. Best seat in the house! I thought. Then XY said to me under his breath, "Hey, isn't that Philly?" I looked over, and who was at the helm of the large party of mostly-cute guys? Philly!

Philly is really wierd. Team Richardson met her about a year ago and even though none of us knew her well, we invited her to party with us for New Year's 2005 since she was new in town. We all had fun, so we started to incorporate Philly into our gatherings. Gradually, we decided she was very...odd. She has one of those personalities that comes on really strong and seems kind of fake-ish and cheesy. She's one of those people who is always grinning from ear to ear and is constantly excited about something. I can deal, but I don't particularly care for this personality trait. She's one of those people you need in small doses. Anyway, somehow, despite the fact that she isn't pretty (I'd describe her as cute) and has this semi-annoying personality, she is never without a hot guy on her arm. I can't figure it out! She will date the hottest guy (who will be all about her) get bored with him and dump him! She has been engaged three times because of this pattern! (Team Richardson thinks it has something to do with the fact that she plays the role of Sugar Mama in her relationships--she does have a decent income.)

I was trying to study her like an animal in the wild--you know, take notes as I watched her interact in her natural environment in a Jane Goodall kind of way. So since we were both single, we started to go to the bars together. All was fine and good, until one time when we were at my favorite bar in town where lots of my friends also hang out and where there are usually lots of very attractive men. Philly and I sat down at a booth and just sipped our drinks. Little did I know she had different ideas about how the evening should proceed. Within fifteen minutes, she was sucking face with a complete stranger. No joke. I don't think she even got his name. And I'm not talking a little bit of tongue. It was full-on "Ok, seriously, guys, go get a room!" style making out. She proceeded to leave me sitting there, alone, watching her suck face. Unfortunately, no one I knew was there that night to rescue me and I was so mortified that I just ended up going to the bathroom for a looooong time to hide. When I came back, I tapped her on the shoulder and said I had to get up early the next day so we had to leave.

She dislodged herself from his tongue and his lap and we left. When we got outside, she informed me that she wasn't interested in him. "Then why are you making out with him?" I asked. "He's a good kisser! Let's go to Club Ra!" And since I didn't really have to get up the next day, I said OK. Big mistake. Make-out Boy followed us over there and proceeded to stalk us for the rest of the evening--she had given him her number and he called about seven times! From inside the building! And did I mention that he looked like Johnny Depp in drag? Yeah, she couldn't pick a hottie the night that I am hitting the bars with her! She picked this freak of a specimen!

We stopped hanging out with her after that. So imagine our surprise to run into her last night! She has decided to stay here in Columbia, rather than moving back to Philadelphia as she had originally planned. So now we will probably see her all the time! We asked her who all the guys were and she informed us that she is their boss and it was a work thing. Must be nice to actually work with men, I thought. We also met her new boyfriend--you guessed it--a hottie.

Team Heavy Petting ordered some food and played trivia. I normally would have talked to the cute guy sitting at Philly's table, but like I said, no mojo. But it was still a good time. Now if only Heavy Petting could do better than our usual 4th place! Oh well, there is always next week. I think I will go brush up on some trivia in preparation...

The Karma Curse

Luck is a word devoid of sense. Nothing can exist without a cause. --Voltaire

Don't mess with me. Guys who hurt me are subject to the Karma Curse. Within two weeks of hurting me, something completely random and awful will happen to them.

Examples:

The guy who broke my heart in high school went to Taco Bell a few days after dumping me. He contracted hepatitis from the food. He was too sick to go on his senior year Spring Break trip, so he had to cancel his plane/skiing tickets. They were non-refundable--and about $700. Meanwhile, I won free tickets to a concert he was dying to go to.

Another guy who was a jerk to me in high school was busted with marijuana and underage drinking soon after we broke up.

J.S. was The Biggest Jerk Ever--a liar, a cheater and a misogynist. His mom had terminal cancer last I heard. (As big of a jerk as he was, I think Karma may have gone overboard on this one.)

The Big Ex moved to Florida when we broke up and within two weeks, his car was broken into and he was cleaned out--hundreds of CDs, $200 sunglasses, MP3 player and even his cell phone (I think...I might be wrong about the cell phone...).

My point is, someone up there must love me! So think twice, guys, before hurting me. I won't getcha, but my Karma Curse will!

(I've got my fingers crossed that "FedSucksy" will shoot himself in the foot while at the police academy....)

Too Little, Too Late

FedSexy called me last night.

Just before I picked up, I realized that I would be incapable of repressing my anger, so I decided to go with it. The best word to describe my tone of voice? Hostile.

The conversation went like this:

V: What do YOU want?
F: Oh....what's up?
V: You tell me. I'm pretty pissed off right now.
F: What...?
V: You stood me up! Remember Friday? I deserve and explanation and an apology. Did something come up?
F: Uhh, something came up. Yeah.
V: Well, would you mind telling me what it was?
F: No, I don't think I will.
(insert shock and awe here.)
V: Ok, can I at least get an apology then?
F: Um, no. I'm not going to apologize.
(insert WTF? and VB's jaw dropping here.)
V: I thought you were different, FedSexy. I thought we had a good thing going. I have done nothing to you and I didn't deserve that. You could have at least called me to tell me you couldn't make it. I deserved a f---in' phone call at the very least!!! But I am glad I found out sooner rather than later. Now I see what kind of a guy you are.
F: Well, I'm glad I found out now, too.
V: Found out what?
F: That you're a drama queen.
(more shock and awe!)
V: If my tone of voice is a little nasty right now, I think it's pretty understandable. You pulled a real jerk move that I did not deserve. It was pretty rude and if you don't have an explanation or an apology for me, I really don't have much to say to you.
F: Ok, well, I guess I'll just talk to you later then.
V: Don't bother.

*click!* And I hung up on him.

I felt empowered and infuriated all at the same time. What an arrogant prick! Who does he think he is? And what kind of Neanderthal does something like that and feels absolutely no remorse or feels the need to explain himself? No matter what the crazy circumstances, you should apologize--you forgot, you didn't mean to, you were arrested, you fell asleep on your couch, you didn't feel like it--whatever! Just say you are sorry! You don't even have to mean it! Just say it for etiquette's sake! You can always just make up a reason why you didn't show/call. Lie to me!

Who does he think I am? He thought he could just pull a stunt like that and then acted surprised when I'm pissy the next time he called! His tone of voice indicated that he thought there was nothing wrong with his behavior and that he couldn't believe I was so upset. Does he think I'm a doormat or just really really stupid and desperate? Aaaargh, the NERVE.

But I know I did the right thing because he didn't try and talk his way out of it or stop me from believing he's an asshole. Yet another example of an Asshole in Disguise or maybe another guy who can't end relationships (thank you, NML!) so they pull some jerk move in the hopes the girl will do their dirty work for them. Wimp!

I only have four questions:
1. Do you think he will call again? (Athletic Girl and my coworkers all think he will.) If so, do I answer? Do I listen/expect anything? What if he's ready to talk/apologize?
2. What is his motivation? He hasn't gotten any--other than some smooches. He hasn't had my companionship really...he hasn't gotten anything out of this AT ALL. What is the entire point of him even meeting me? All he did was self-destruct. He made effort to establish a good thing, and then he pissed all over it. What is the point? He didn't only waste my time, he wasted his own time. That is illogical. Maybe he is a misogynist...
3. Why on earth did he feel he didn't owe me an explanation? Is he hiding something embarrassing? Illegal? Or was he just being an asshole and that was his way of telling me he doesn't owe me anything? It is a complete mystery...
4. Should I maybe have been a teensy bit sweeter on the phone? Perhaps he was witholding information because I was being pissy...?

Your thoughts/reactions, readers, please. Thank you.

A Tiny Bit of (Virtual) Revenge...

So sad that this actually makes me feel better about FedSexy and Bigfoot....just enter their name and start the fun! I especially like the push pins and car tire...

I highly recommend this to anyone who is ticked off!

Bigfoot Strikes Again

Most of you probably like long weekends. I hate them. This is why: As fate would have it, Bigfoot and I are on the same exact work schedule, so I cannot escape him unless I'm at work. Currently, I'm trying to calm down after he has yet again caused me to lose my temper. He just cooked one of his specialties: potatoes and onions fried in oil. It may not sound like much, but let me just say that it smells so strongly that he has woken Athletic Girl out of a dead sleep before. It f---in REEKS!!! And it permetates the entire house for days. Closing the doors to other rooms does not help. It seeps in no matter where you go. He doesn't seem to be bothered at all by the smell and doesn't bother to turn on any fans or open any doors or windows, so the whole house will smell like a friggin' TGIFriday's in here unless I do something about it. I just stomped downstairs and asked him if he is capable of cooking anything that doesn't stink to high heaven. (Only there were some expletives in there too.) Then I turned on the fans and opened the doors. And yes, it's about 50 degrees outside. Trust me, anything is better than this smell. Unfortunately, now all of my clothes will smell like oil and onions. To boot, whenever he fries something in oil (which is about twice a week) he manages to splatter it all over the walls and the fridge and the stovetop. He rarely cleans it up. And if he does, he will make a poor attempt at doing it properly. This is because he is also the laziest human being on earth.

Lord knows I'm not the healthiest eater on Earth, but his diet is so disgusting it is unbelievable. This is a typical day's menu for him:

Breakfast: fried onions & potatoes, whole milk, some kind of meat, doughnuts
Lunch: french fries, bacon cheeseburger, milkshake, coke
Dinner: some large hunk of meat marinated in something stinky, more fried potatoes, pasta with greasy tomato sauce, garlic bread with butter on it, coke, cake/cookies/doughnuts (yes, all of that)

Anyone else grossed out yet? Even Athletic Girl, who likes him better than I do, has asked him how he isn't plugged up like a drain since he eats nothing with any fiber or vitamins in it. I have never seen him eat a piece of fruit or any vegetables other than the greasy tomato sauce or the fried potatoes. He is a total lard ass. When he moves, his shoulders jiggle. I am not kidding. Normally it wouldn't bother me--my father was a large man. But my father also wore shirts that covered himself up. Bigfoot wears sleeveless shirts cut open at the side, allowing his hairy fatty flesh to roll out in its full glory. I wish he'd get his stupid heart attack over with so I can just call the coroner and get him wheeled out of here!

He has added yet another annoying habit to his long list of obnoctious behavior. I know, I know, it doesn't seem possible. He now conducts all cell phone calls using speakerphone, so not only do we have to listen to his end of the conversation, we have to listen to whatever his dumb friend is saying too. He doesn't close the door to his room while he does this, but even if he did, we'd still be able to hear him loud and clear because he YELLS into the phone. What is it about speakerphone that makes people feel they have to yell? It's not like he speaks softly to begin with!

I swear to God, I'm going to pull out my baseball bat one day and just beat him to death! Some people fantasize about Swedish bikini teams or Brad Pitt. I fantasize about violently clubbing my roommate into a bloody mess in a Natural Born Killers kind of way. I know, I know! Normally I'm a sweet and patient person, but he causes me to wonder what his brain would look like splattered on the wall. I think I will "accidentally" throw away some of his bills....or change the locks. Anyone have any vindictive ideas? I would never carry them out because he has too many opportunities to counter-attack, but I'm always looking for new fantasies! I need to create a daydream where he loses some limbs or his testicles or something...

Late Night Pissed, I Mean Post

Why am I posting at 2 in the morning, you ask? Insomnia.

Why do I have insomnia, you ask? I'm pretty pissed off.

At who, you ask? That f---ker FedSexy. He STOOD ME UP. No calls, nothing.

Now, if you will please excuse me, I have to finish eating my ice cream, grab my Camel Lights, find my Limp Bizkit/Rage Against the Machine/White Zombie CDs and get into my Pontiac and drive around for a while.

Peter Butter, etc.

One of my coworkers is the proud mother of a four-year-old. Her super sense of humor and ability to make people laugh has been passed down to her son. She told me the following story the other day and has generously allowed me to re-tell it here.

She has been working with him on his enunciation/pronunciation with words. For example, if he were to say "pasketti" rather than "spaghetti" she would say to him:

"No, D., it's spuh-get-tee not pasketti."

And then he would try saying it correctly.

Well, the other day, she asked him if he would like a peanut butter sandwich. To which he replied,

"No, Mommy. It's pee-ter but-ter. Say it. Pee-ter But-ter."

I practically had tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard. I'm giggling now as I type this.

Minor update: Remember my post about the crazy aunt thing? Well, I got 2 books from the lady whom my aunt wants me to meet. She wrote me the nicest letter and even autographed the books! She is a very successful woman, and I must say, getting a package from Fifth Ave. in New York City might be the most glamorous thing to happen to me in months! Oh, what a sad existance I lead...but anyway, one of the books is full of good advice for young women, so I'm about to tear into it. Is it tacky to name-drop on a blog? I had never heard of her or her books until my aunt got us in touch. I'm sure there is some kind of etitquette rule I'm breaking right now. Oh well. I'm just trying to share a book recommendation and illustrate how mundane my day-to-day life is! No offense meant!

Also, I simply must buy something from this website! My sentiments exactly! Who says librarians have to be frumpy, grumpy and have no sense of humor? Batgirl was a librarian, you know. She's pretty cool, I think. I think I have my 2006 Halloween costume picked out...

Less than an hour until my nice long weekend starts! I'm sure something blog-worthy will happen, readers! Stay tuned! And wish me luck in the love department!

News of the Weird

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.--Mark Twain (attributed)

Follow-up to the last post: So, I found this article, courtesy of XY of Team Richardson. I found it very helpful and relative to my question about how to know if you are good in bed.

Also today I read this article--how bizarre! It makes me think of the phrase "Green Eggs and Ham" in a whole new way...

This next weird news story pertains only to hard-core Sex and the City fans like myself. In season 2, do you remember when Carrie was dating the short story writer, and while he was ok, she really fell in love with his family? His mother was played by Valerie Harper. They ended up breaking up because he suffered from PE (pre-mature ejaculation) and didn't want to discuss it. Imagine my amazement when I watched it yesterday and realized that the actor playing the role of Vaughn looks just like Disrespectful Dan! Wierd!

Here in SC, we are having really nice weather. I'm talking 70s. In January. Also wierd.

Last night had all kinds of wierd stuff. I went out with my friends, XX and XY (aka Team Richardson) and Stuck. It will probably start to be a weekly Wednesday event--I like to call it Hump Night. :) We always have great conversations, especially about relationships. Team R is married and Stuck and I are single, so there are several perspectives. (If you'd like to read Stuck's take on the evening, you can read it here.) I learned something about men: they pay attention to how a woman walks. I had no idea. Apparently I have a good walk. Good to know, I guess. I wonder what else they pay attention to? (I know, XY, you said, "Duh! Everything!")

As we talk, we eat dinner, watch whatever game is on (IU lost to Michigan State last nite * VB is very sad*), we participate in the bar's trivia contest and play pool. Last night we saw some wierd things: a guy who was at the bar playing trivia apparently alone (I love trivia too, but sheesh!), a woman who brought her baby to the bar (who does that? just how redneck are they?) and my sudden & unexplainable abilities at playing pool. I think there was something in the air.

This isn't wierd, but I have to vent for a moment: Bigfoot is still driving me batty. He still has yet to wash his hands, cook food that doesn't stink or do anything quietly. He is really nosy about my love life, because I'm sure he is hoping I'll accidentally bring home some gay guy for his desperate ass. I have stopped introducing him to my dates because he always makes some comment about how cute their butts are or asks me if I've had sex with them yet! (For the record, I'm not a slut who gives it up after the first date and besides, it's none of your business, Bigfoot!) To his credit, he has been taking out the trash. But now I think I might start doing it. He almost threw away a box of my stuff I keep in the garage! I was leaving for work on trash day and saw it. WTF? It was a box full of picture frames and candles. Why would someone throw that away? Wouldn't you ask someone about that first? Maybe this explains what happened to my Eminem CD....

On a funny note, I have gotten Athletic Girl to start calling him Bigfoot! And he answers to it now! Ha!

79 more days. Just 79 more days. Everyone keep the first weekend in April free! Party @ VB's!

But the Prize for Wierdest Story of the Day goes to this hum-dinger: FexSexy called me. I swear, men have ESP. I had just really resigned myself to get over it and was not even thinking about him at all when--boom!--he calls, right as I'm leaving to go to Hump Night. Aaaarrgh! Get me off this rollercoaster! It's killing me! Athletic Girl was teasing me about it. She says I get all giggly and sweet-talky when he calls. She does this hilarious impression of me on the phone with him. I wish you could hear it! I probably do sound just like that!

He has been extremely busy, methinks, because he said he was exhausted and had just now gotten a moment of spare time. (For anyone who doesn't know, he is in training to become a State Trooper and so he is at this sort-of boot camp thing where he isn't allowed to go anywhere until the weekend. But he can use his phone after 6pm!) So, as much as I hate to admit this to my inner skeptic, I guess all this time he was just busy. Stuck and XY think he just has a lot on his plate right now and he's trying to figure out where to fit me in. He is coming over tomorrow evening (Friday) to hang out with me before he leaves town to go visit his Dad. While I am pleased that he made plans more than an hour in advance this time, I'm still hoping for a real date. One where I have time to look nice, we go out in public and share a meal. I'm going to be patient, though. I've made it this far. He must be interested. We can always do that some other time. Whew! I'm so much more calm now. And pretty stoked, I must say. I guess this is just how he operates. I'll deal. I just needed some occassional reciprocation, you know?

I'm thinking.... I'm going to tell FedSexy I'm not interested in dating anyone else. What do you think? I'm wondering if he is not prioritizing me much because he's under the impression I'm seeing other people. (I'm not anymore. I was though, when he asked me about it.) If so, I can't blame him. I'd probably do the same.

Tomorrow I'm taking the afternoon off thanks to some comp time. Lunch, ice cream and a pedicure with my coworker, K, and then home for smooches with FedSexy!

BS-Free Zone, Part 2

This one will be shorter, since the answers/comments to these questions tend to be on the longer side. Opine away, my lovelies! (I decided to go ahead and give my own answers in this one, since I'm uber-bored at work today. Will this day NEVER end?)

1. Can you (or do you) plan your love life the way you would plan for your job? Is it something you make happen through planning and hard work, or are you more of the passive type who waits around? How much time do you spend on developing/sustaining your relationships/lack of relationships?

Answer: I used to be passive. But now, thanks to my biological clock and hatred of sleeping alone and possibly dying alone, I'm super active. I'm even considering moving to a town where there are more single men. Am I sad? Probably. But I'm having a pretty good time, I must say!

2. How would your Significant Other know that they did a good job in bed? (You don't have to give a personal answer. Any gender-encompassing stereotype will do.)

Answer: Men, I'm really sorry, but I can't really give an answer to this. Any guy who is thinking, "Was that it?...Wait, was that it?" -- I feel for you. Not only is the female uh, reaction notoriously & mysteriously hard to recognize/hard to come by (oooh, that was a bad pun!), but it's been a while for me, so I can't really answer clearly as it is all a faded and distant memory for me! Hmmmm.... If you can get all her clothes off, you're pretty much in like Flynn. But as far as knowing if your skills are up to par....It is a good sign if you don't need any Astroglide! It's a good sign if she can hardly walk afterwards. It is a good sign if she wants to go again right away. (Unfortunately, this could also mean you beat her to the finish line.) Or if she totally passes out afterwards because she's exhausted--that's a good sign. Nine times out of ten, the longer you take, the better love you make! Ha! My new saying...

And to all the women reading this who are faking it--are you high? Why are you promoting bad behavior???? Stop it! Right now!

3. Do you give tests when you are dating?

Answer: Oh, yes! My girlfriends are familiar with my Bathroom Test. I started giving this test when the whole Metrosexual Movement started. I am 150% opposed to this movement. I want hairy, stinky, sweaty, manly, rough, dirty bodies!!! (Ok, I can do without the stinky and dirty, but you get my point.) So, the first time I'm at a new guy's house, I go into the bathroom to look for signs of Metrosexuality. The following items will cause the guy to flunk instantly (this is only a partial listing): a hairdryer, clear nailpolish, expensive shampoo/conditioner, several hair products, several skincare products, specially scented lotion, body scrub, Nair (hair removal cream) or any type of mud mask. I do allow one semi-OK item, including but not limited to: unscented cheap body lotion, spongy poof thingie for shower gel (I prefer just bars of soap, but I now let the poofs slide) and one hair care product. Bonus points are given if I like their cologne, if they use just a bar of soap when in the shower and if they trim (not completely remove!) their body hair. Yes, I'm wierd. But I just can't stand girlymen or vain men! No one who has flunked the bathroom test has ever made it to Boyfriend Status. I don't base everything on this test, but it's a pretty good indicator of a lot of important qualities I look for: masculinity, simplicity, easygoing attitude, practicality and unpretentiousness (is that a word?).

I read about a woman once who gives men the R.E.M. test. If they don't like R.E.M. (the rock band) there is probably something wrong with them. Being a big R.E.M. fan, I have to agree. Good test.

Pet Peeves

Usually, when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change. --Malcolm X

I'm hoping to gain some inspiration from this quote, as my sad, self-pitying mood has given way to the next stage of upset: bitterness. Soon I will advance to the next stage, cynicism and then finally, anger. Let me assure you, I'm in a *fantastic* mood. Did I mention that sarcasm hits at the same time as the cynicism stage?

Yesterday afternoon was when I really was leaving sadness and moving on to deeper and darker moods. The kickoff tipping point was my after-work trip to Wal-Mart. Ah, nothing like Wally World to put you in a bad mood. What you save in pennies, you pay in annoyance. This trip was no different: too many people, too many smelly people, screaming children, ogling Mexicans who undress me with their eyes (Have they never seen blonde hair before? Why is it just the Mexicans who do this?), idiots who behave as though they have never ever been in a friggin' Wal-Mart before, clueless people who block the aisles, happy couples shopping together--remember that I'm bitter, empty shelves so you can't even buy the stuff you came there for, filthy produce department, disorganized ice cream....I could go on and on. To make matters worse, I was thinking about all the sketchy business practices of the company as I was shopping. I felt wrong for patronizing their business, but you know how it is! You can't afford NOT to shop at Wal-Mart. We are all screwed.

I just wanted to get my stuff and get the hell out of there so I didn't have to deal with it anymore. Luckily, I was able to get in the quickie lane, since I was only buying about ten things. That's when she got behind me. One of those people who doesn't understand personal space. We've all had to deal with these people. The ones who stand thisclosetoyou and seem to not know/care about your elbow room. Why aren't they as uncomfortable as the other person? You'd think they would annoy themselves before they even had time to bug you. Personal space is an innate human behavior. When you put ten people in a room, they naturally spread themselves out equi-distantly. This is something humans learned when we were cavemen! Why haven't the personal space invaders been breeded out by now? No one likes them! Who is keeping their genes in the pool? It boggles the mind. Dealing with these Personal Space Violaters is such a horrible feeling! They're breathing down your neck, you are so creeped out that the hairs on the back of your neck prickle, you keep trying to move away (which is especially hard to do when you are waiting in a line and someone is also in front of you) and they just scoot up behind you! It's like they are playing a game where they must remain within two inches of your ass or something. Are they playing a trick--like they come to Wal-Mart in groups and dare each other to do this? Do they get extra points depending on how annoying they are? It seriously makes me want to elbow them in the ribs and then say, "Oh, sorry!" That would teach them.

This lady had an especially annoying sub-habit. She talked to herself in a way that basically begged you to start a discussion with her. She spoke in a way so as to straddle between half-whisper and half-out loud. When you turn around to see to whom she is speaking, she is already looking right at you without any hint of expression on her face--just blankly staring at you. Uuuugh....so....creepy. And annoying. I just pretended I couldn't hear her and decided that if she tried to talk to me directly, I would pretend I was deaf. I could fake sign language. Sorta.

I kept trying to get away from her as much as possible, but she kept right on scooting up behind me to the point where she might as well have rested her chin on my shoulder! As she scooted, I scooted. Then I realized I was being a scooter to the man in front of me! Now she's making me look like a Personal Space Violater! I wanted to apologize to the man, but he didn't seem to notice, so I let it go. Now she was really making me angry. We continued to keep playing the cat and mouse game all the way up until it became my turn to unload my stuff. As I'm putting it up there, I realize she is also a huge busybody because she is looking at all of my stuff! She stood right beside me, peering into my cart! If she was any closer to my purchases, her nose would be touching them! I expected her to start handling my stuff. But she didn't. Well, this was the last straw for me. I shot her a look that said: Look, b---h, you'd better back the f--k off before I jack you in the face. What is your deal anyway, you complete freak of a human?! Don't think that I haven't noticed this little game you have been playing. Knock it off before I shove this bottle of canola oil down your throat.

Then I left. I'm never going to Wal-Mart again.

The B.S.- free Zone

Truth is rarely pure and never simple. --Oscar Wilde

The other day, Kermit was telling me about a female friend of his with whom he sometimes holds "B.S.-free Zone" conversations. They are allowed to ask anything they want about each other or the opposite sex and receive an honest reply--no B.S. The truth hurts, but the truth is the goal in these conversations. I think most of us have had these conversations, so it is nice to finally have a name for them. I thought, what better place to hold such a discussion than my blog?

Some of my friends who read this (they will remain unnamed, but they know who they are!) will attack this post with gusto!

So, here goes--my list of BS-free Zone Questions. This is just the first installment, I assure you. I'm seeing a multi-part post in the future....Please respond with any thoughts on the following:

1. Is there a sex schedule? By that, I mean, do we have expectations for dates 1,2,3, etc.? For example, if a girl sleeps with you on date two, do you think she is a slut and stop calling her because the challenge is gone or it is moving too fast? What if she makes you wait until the 4th month of dating--would you wait around that long? To put the shoe on the other foot, what if you were on date #5 with a guy and he still hadn't kissed you yet? What if a girl is ready and willing to go to third base right off the bat, but makes you wait a couple months for sex? Is there something to be said for waiting, or is it best to just go for it when it feels right? Ladies, do you only do certain things after a certain point? For example, I do not ever kiss on first dates. (The Big Ex is the only exception to this rule, and that's a whole other long story.) Does anyone else out there have these little schedules?

2. What, if any, are the reasons under which a man would turn down a girl calling them strictly for a booty call?

3. Is it called a break-up because it's broken? Or can two people successfully reunite?

4.What is the difference between getting comfortable in a relationship and taking someone for granted?

5. How do you know when you are in love/serious like? Is there something you catch yourself doing or saying or thinking?

6. You know those dramatic scenes in movies, where the guy is running all over town in the rain looking for the girl so he can tell her he made a mistake/has always loved her? And just before she leaves on the plane/train/bus he finds her and confesses everything? Has anyone ever known this to happen in real life? Do guys ever get the urge to do stuff like this, or is it really a fairytale cooked up by Hollywood?

That's it for now folks....what do you think?

The Non-Update

Greetings, readers. First, I have to say, thank you so much for your comments. (The comment I deleted was a stupid spammer.) Whomever "Anonymous" is, you are on my favorite people list now. Who knew I can be considered "hot" just for a little baking and a few smooches?? Sweet! And great advice, btw. I am currently working on having a fabulous week for that exact reason! What is that saying..."Living well is the best revenge." That will be this week's mantra.

Seriously, though, I appreciate the advice from all. As usual, my readers are far more insightful than I, probably because they are not in the relationship and therefore are able to think clearly. I on the other hand, have been a basketcase this week. Yes, it has now officially been a week. I'm not even upset anymore, just numb. I'm done! I can accept the truth! It sucks donkey-sized balls, but it's over. Time to just move along. I am smoking like a chimney to sedate my pain, though. Thank God for Phillip Morris. Man, I wish I had some vicodin! J/K.

DD, I know what you mean--technically, he did lie, but I can understand why. I don't think he intended to hurt anyone with that, and he told me pretty early on, so I took that as a sign he didn't want to deceive me about it. And it's not like he waited until late in the game to tell me. So while I'm letting that one slide, I will keep my ears perked for similar moves. One more and I will run run run. I won't fall asleep behind the wheel, trust me. My head does not come off when my top does! Ha ha!

And to Stuckey--I have been talking (or non-talking) to him for about a month now. There was a week without contact since I was at home for Xmas. Otherwise, we have been in the same town this whole time. I'm sorry, but I don't think it's too much to ask that a guy pick up the phone and ask if he can take me out to dinner on Saturday. In America, that is how dating works, especially in the beginning. Last time I checked, guys are not in the habit of calling women they aren't into. They like to call girls they like. Therefore, he is obviously not interested in me. I rest my case. Come on! It has been a week! No one is that busy. Hell, Melania is friggin' pregnant and she's married to The Donald for Pete's sake! Look, I did some work and made some effort--it's his turn. Relationships take two people, I don't care how much of a non-planner you are. Girlfriends do not just drop from the sky and fall in your lap. I know men wish for this (especially the lap part!) but you have to get your lazy duff off the couch and pick up the phone on occasion. Apparently, only my female readers understand this. What a shocker.

Athletic Girl, my roommate, agrees that it has been a long time. She is thinking that maybe something happened to him, like he is in the hospital and physically cannot call. Or he is so sick, he cannot get out of bed, and wouldn't I feel bad if that were the case? I think all her wedding planning has rotted her noggin. It seems like it's easy to make excuses for men once you don't have to worry about meeting them anymore.

But I am wondering why he bothered to tell me about the kid if he is not into me? What is the point of divulging personal info like that? I'm tempted to say that the kid info is on a "needs to know" classification. Aaarrrgh....s--t like this makes me so cynical. All that crap he said: "Oh, I'm so into you. I really like you, Virginia Belle, I don't normally warm up to people this quickly...blah blah blah." He didn't even mean a word of it! It was all bulls--t!! I really don't want to ever believe anything any man ever says to me again. They are all liars! (Except my guy friends and male readers. They rock!) I deserve a f---ing phone call! It is not too much to ask. I guess I'm pissed because I didn't do anything wrong. If I did, I don't see it. And closure? I can forget it. This is another entry into my Cold Case Files. Unsolved Mysteries of Life. You'd think that even just his hormones would make him want to call me for some smooches at the very least.

Speaking of which, this would all be sooooo much easier if he weren't such an amazing kisser....I'm going outside now for another smoke. At least it distracts my mouth for a little while. (She's taking it especially hard. Little does she know this "relationship" is dead in the water.)

The Bombshells & Falling Flat on My Face

Fortune favors the brave. --Vergil, Aeneid

This is one of my favorite quotes, and I am glad to say that I'm pretty good about applying it to my life. I firmly believe you can create your own good luck, and so did this ancient author. So let this post be an example of the wisdom of the ancients.

Immediately after posting about FedSexy and my panic attack about his lack of calling, I stopped and thought. What am I doing? I'm an idiot. I don't hit it off with someone this well every day. Dang it! I'm not letting this slip away because I'm too chicken s--t to pick up the phone. I need to start pulling my own weight in this.

So I did something which will shock any girlfriends of mine who may be reading this. I called him on NYE. (I know, I know, big deal. But I'm very old-fashioned that way. We all have our quirks!) I just wanted to see what his plans were that night. As soon as he answered the phone, I knew something was wrong. His tone of voice was less than enthusiastic. I was completely bummed out and instantly regreted my decision. I was falling flat on my face. Crashing and burning. Mayday! Mayday! Abort! So I cut to the chase in order to make the call as short as possible and to possibly redeem a shred of dignity before crawling into a hole to die. Here is how the important part of the conversation went:

VB: So, what are you up to tonight?
FS: Oh, just getting hammered with some buddies. You?
VB: The same. Only I won't be hammered.
FS:Are you going downtown?
VB: Yup. To The Wild Hare.
FS: Well maybe I'll see you there.
VB: [trying hard to conceal disappointment and failing miserably] Maybe?!
FS: Yeah, maybe.

Ohhhhh....this was so bad. I was toast. Yesterday's meatloaf. Roadkill on the Dating Highway. But it was NYE. I couldn't let this get me down. There's partying to do! So I told myself I had just called at a bad time, went out (ended up going to Local's rather than Wild Hare) and smooched a hottie! How's that for letting something roll off your back? I even impressed myself.

The next day, I hung out with Kermit, the German Nurse's brother. In a previous post, he was referred to as The Friend's Brother (remember, I went to the football game with him?), but Kermit is a much better nickname for him. The German Nurse is in town (from Germany, where her husband is stationed) so her friends and family are trying to hang out with her before she goes back. When I came over to hang out, she was tired and cranky (she's pregnant, so we let her off the hook), so I went to a movie with Kermit. It was awful. Don't see it. Anyway, after that, Kermit and I went over to Brunette's house for New Year's Day dinner. Like a lot of people, we here in "South Cackalackie" eat black eyed peas and collards on New Year's. Brunette is a really good cook, so we brought our appetites. On the way there, Kermit had to get some gas. As he was filling up, I sat in the passenger seat, staring at the quickie-mart. There was a big yellow neon sign in the window. It read:

FRIED CHICKEN

Only the word 'fried' was slightly obscured, so I found myself staring directly at a giant, glowing, ironically yellow sign calling me "Chicken". Or at least it felt like it was calling me that. Maybe it was because there was a really sad Concrete Blonde song playing as I looked at it. Right at that minute, I decided I needed to reciprocate with FedSexy and try calling again.

The next day, fully expecting another rejecting phone conversation, I called him. And he sounded really excited to talk to me! YAY! I told him that if he wanted, I could drop off some pumpkin bread at his house later. He said, "Hell yeah! That would be awesome!"

Needless to say, I was pretty stoked about this. I got to his house, trying hard to look hot without looking that I had tried to look hot. (Ladies, you know what I mean.) But before I had the chance to ring his doorbell, I again managed to fall flat on my face.

Only this time, I did it literally. Somehow I managed to trip on something and do a face plant on his doormat. (Hopefully this is not a prediction for our relationship.) I went down so fast that I didn't even realize I had fallen until I was down. It was hilarious, and no one saw. I was laughing my ass off until I realized I was in pain. Ow. I cut my hand and bruised my shin. Luckily, he didn't hear me. I didn't break my cell phone or smush the bread. Whew! I brushed myself off and rang the doorbell.

He was on the phone when I got there. I tried really really hard not to overhear, but there are certain phrases that are hard not to hear. Phrases like, "...yeah, that was my friend Virginia Belle. She just brought me some pumpkin bread...well, can you still have children?...Are you going to have to have an operation?...Are your ovaries and stuff OK?" Of course, this was absolutely none of my business, but I am still pretty curious as to whom he was talking to and if they are OK. And I was a teeny tiny bit disappointed to only be referred to as a friend. But all in good time.

He got off the phone and walks over to the pumpkin bread, telling me that he had just woken up from a dream in which he was eating lots and lots of pumpkin bread. I smiled and said, "Well, you know, I don't make this for just anyone." I saw him smile as he turned to go get a knife. He thanked me for it profusely as he sliced it. We sat on the couch and munched on our snack. He wasn't really saying much when he busted out with:

"I have to tell you something. I lied about something on my profile."

Oh. S--t. People do not lie about little things on their profile. They lie about divorces, hairpieces, serious diseases, drug addictions, jobs, gender confusion and criminal records. What horrible thing could this be??? I took a deep breath and said, "Um, OK. What?"

FedSexy says, "I have a daughter."

Hoo boy. Not as horrible as it could have been. But quite a bombshell, none the less. I realized it would be too much to ask all 434 questions that just impacted my brain like a nuclear bomb, so I prioritized and settled on about a dozen.

"How old is she?" --3
"Where does she live?" --Florida
"What's her name?" --S.
"Do you have any pictures?" --Yes. (He went and got some. She is adorable and without a doubt, his kid. Spitting image of him.)
"Do you miss her? See her much?" --Yes. No, but she is coming to see me this week.

I wondered if he was talking to the mother on the phone just a second ago....

Then, I got to the other bombshell. One picture had the mother (Baby Mama?) in it. She looks like a model. It was pretty intimidating. I noticed she has blonde hair. Hmmm, he must like blondes, I thought. Then I realized there was one last, very important set of questions to ask.

"Are you divorced, too?" --No.
"Are you guys on good terms?" --Yes.
"Did you lie about anything else on there?" --No.

Whew! I sat there for a minute and absorbed everything. I was actually not really freaked out. I can understand why he wouldn't volunteer this kind of info, because I probably wouldn't have started dating him. It was too late now! I'm hooked! I appreciated his honesty and I think he brought it up at a good time--not too soon, not too late. I could tell he was a little freaked out about telling me. I was very relieved to hear he is on good terms with her--I took that as a sign of maturity. I have to be honest, I was also glad to hear that she lives far away. It will make this an easier pill to swallow. Running in to her would be potentially awkward. I think I probably handled this well because of my own family. My dad had two kids already when he met my mom. So I'm probably more open to this idea than some other girls would be. Besides, I love kids.

We watched TV for a while and then he told me that he had to go meet a buddy of his for coffee at 8pm. It was already about 7pm. I asked him if I would at least get a smooch for the pumpkin bread before he had to leave. He said, "Of course!" [This is the part of the movie where the screen fades to black. Use your imagination.]

A little bit later, we had another important conversation. I was determined to reciprocate by sharing with him how I felt. I took a deep breath and tried to slow my rodent-speed heart rate before beginning. I wish I could say I'm one of those people who can quote conversations word-for-word, but I'm not. Here is the gist of what was said:

Me: You know, I've been feeling a little rejected by you lately.
Him: Oh yeah? Why?
Me: Well, I guess I was just hoping to see you on New Year's. And you haven't called me in a while.
Him: Well, I'm glad you told me that. I'm not a mind reader. You're a planner, aren't you?
Me: Yeah, I guess I like to have stuff all planned out in advance. I usually have my weekends figured out by Wednesday. You aren't a planner, are you?
Him: Nope. Not at all.

(I was not really sure what to make of this information. Any feedback from readers would be much appreciated. It's hard to feel important when a guy only makes last-minute plans all the time. It makes me feel like Plan B. Anyway, back to the story...)

Me: I missed you.
Him: You did?
Me: Yeah, I really like you, FedSexy. I don't hit it off with someone like this every day. And I think you feel the same. [He nodded. If I remember correctly...]

Then I asked him about something my woman's intuition had picked up on.

Me: Are you scared? [ I got no reply--just an expression that said, "Yeah, but I'm not going to admit to that right now." ] Well, I won't be scared if you won't be scared.
Him: [enthusiastically] Deal!

Then we went back to smooching. He still met with his friend for coffee, but he was, uh, well, very late. As I was leaving, he told me he would be pretty busy the next couple of weeks: His daughter is visiting, he has National Guard this weekend and he is starting Police Academy next week. (Yeah, I know. I have a weakness for men who carry guns to work. Shut up.) He called me as soon as I got home to flirt with me some more. Awww. I went to bed floating on air.

Whew! Glad that was overwith. I think it went well, don't you? A little scary, but I just proverbially took a deep breath, held my nose and jumped in feet first! This is something I would never ever do, so I'm stretching myself with this relationship. Which means I am at risk for being hurt. I guess I'll just cross my fingers and hope!

The only other tidbit of information I want to share is that he implied that I may have more, ahem, experience than he does. I can only take this one way: He was with Baby Mama a looooong time. Any other interpretations? Your interpretations/comments are much appreciated.

Oh, and he again hasn't called me in three days. Only I'm not freaking as much. Just a little. He is busy. Although, I can only assume Baby Mama is visiting too....oh dear...

The Holidays

I have lots of updates for you guys, so I'm just going to try and stay as chronological as possible. I'm betting y'all have a lot of the same questions, so we will have another pseudo-virtual-interview-with-VB post.

Whatever happened to Mark, the guy you picked up while waiting for Disrespectful Dan? Nada. He never emailed. Case closed, I guess.

Heard from Disrespectful Dan? He called me, and I told him why I didn't want to see him again--because he was really rude. He got on my nerves by protesting, denying and harping on it and begging for more details. Arguing is not a good idea during conversations like this. So I went off on him a little. Not a lot! I didn't list everything! But I did say I was pretty insulted that he didn't walk me to the door and that maybe next time he goes on a date, he should bring his manners. Yeah....enough said. That's kind of ugly on my behalf, and I'm not really proud of it, so let's move on.

What's up with The Lawyer? Well, he is one of those people I neglected to tell when I went home for 8 days. He (obviously) had to leave a message on my cell, which I got about 5 days later. Oops. So I called back...no answer. I left a message. No return call. So this is looking like a case closed situation too. I might be able to rekindle that at another time, since we have mutual friends.

Anything exciting from your visit home? Had a good Christmas. Lots of yummy food and good presents. A lady at my "home" church always throws a party on Christmas Eve, and it's always really fun. She lives in this very old farmhouse that has remained in the family since it was built--before the Civil War even! I think that is so cool. Everyone brings yummy food and I see lots of friends of my family. I got to see some people I haven't seen in a long long time--as in, 8th grade long time. It was nice.

Then I went to another party after Christmas with my brother, Fat Dog. He and I have a lot of mutual friends in our hometown. The best part was seeing some of my oldest oldest friends, some of whom I haven't seen in 13 years. There are three girls from gradeschool in my hometown that I keep in touch with, or will now, since we had such a good time catching up: Weezy, NYC and Richmond Nurse. (Man, why are all of my friends nurses? It's getting wierd!) Hopefully, they are reading this! Weezy is married to the coolest guy, has the coolest house and has the coolest dog. NYC is living the glamourous lifestyle up in NYC (I think she lives near Chinatown??) so I am just amazed by that. And Richmond Nurse makes me want to move to Richmond right now. Super sweet and mega-fun girl. They are all planning on going to Vegas in March, and they invited me to go with. So, I'm pretty stoked, I must say! Hopefully I will have cashflow by then, because right now, I'm....well, cashed out.

After the party, we all went to Mulligan's, which is literally the only bar in my hometown. It sounds lame, but it's kind of an efficient way of partying--if you don't see someone at Mulligan's, that means they didn't go out. Also, you see everyone you want at once. What I don't get is why there is only one bar in my hometown--there are two partying colleges in my hometown. Hmmmmm....doesn't really add up, does it? Maybe I will open a bar there and make a killing in undermining the competition.....

What about New Year's Eve? I started NYE a little early by partying until 5 am the night before. I was with the same group I went to Local's with a few weeks ago. I brought Brunette Nurse and Nurse P. We went everywhere and I saw the Nurses drink more booze than I have ever seen them drink. Six bars later, we all decided to either go home or head to IHOP. It ended up being the Nurses, me, Repo (yes, part of his job is to repo people's stuff! Someone's gotta do it!) Little Brother and Big Poppa. After we ate, I got the picture that Repo wanted to ask me out, but Nurse P already said something about how cute he was, so I backed off. I explained to him that I didn't want to step on anyone's toes and that I was already kind of dating someone. Besides, I think I've had plenty of men lately! I was hoping Brunette would hit it off with Big Poppa, but that was not meant to be as I will explain later. The important thing is, I got to eat blueberry pancakes, my absolute fave! Mmmmmm! We had such a good time, we all decided to hang out for NYE as well. They seemed surprised that none of us had NYE plans. It's just kind of the way it worked out, I guess.

So NYE was basically a repeat of the night before. Same people, same level of fun and good times. Only most of us got dressed up. (Yours Truly wore her knock-em-dead Little Black Dress and cute new gold clutch.) Now, I did try and make things interesting by initiating a contest. I told the Nurses: whoever kisses the most boys on NYE wins. And if you get tongue, it counts for 5. At first I didn't think they would join me, but eventually we all played. I only kissed one guy, but he was really really hot! He was an acquaintance of one of the guys we were with. I had noticed him last time I went there, but hadn't gotten a chance to meet him. I will call him Iowa. It was just a smooch (ok, three smooches!) and I'll probably never see him again, but wow--he was really cute. Brunette won because she got tongue! We all got her guy's name wrong (hey, it was loud! You know how it is in bars!) so I will refer to him as Whatshisname. He got her number and they are going out this weekend. I'm excited for her. We all had a good time. Only we were all exhausted from the night before, so we all went home by about 2 am. I was Designated Driver, as usual, since I'm a non-alcoholic person. We all piled into my car, including Repo. He had asked for a ride home at the last minute. He lived the closest, so we dropped him off first. The whole way there, at every intersection he kept saying, "OK, you can drop me off here." But I just figured he was wasted (which he was) and didn't realize that he was asking me to drop him off in a not-super-safe part of town about 2 miles from his house. For some reason, he got really pissed off at us for taking him home! Finally we get to his house. I wait for him to get inside, but he just proceeds to get into his car, pretending to look for something and then start it and zoom off! We know he was waiting for us to leave before he drove off, because we saw him driving his car at a stoplight a couple minutes later. Pretty stupid, drunk driving on NYE. Little Brother, who had invited us out, was really embarrassed and swore up and down he just met Repo the other day and didn't know about this sort of behavior. We understood--you can't be responsible for other adult behavior.

So why did he do that? And what about Big Poppa and Brunette? We can't figure out what Repo's problem was. Someone suggested maybe he was embarrassed about his house or car, but his house looked brand new and his car was nothing to be ashamed of. Another person said that maybe he was actually wanting to go somewhere else for a booty call and just didn't want any of us to know that...hmmmmm....more mysterious male behavior.

Oh, here's something we learned about Big Poppa: he can be sketchy. Turns out, he has a girlfriend. Of nine years. Yeah. He never told any of us about her--not even once. The only reason we even know about her is because Little Brother filled us in as to how he can be sketchy sometimes. Big Poppa even told Brunette she was his sister! He lost a lot of points with us on that one. Other than these two sketchies, Little Brother's friends are all great.

So, VB, what are your New Year's Resolutions? I have several: Quit smoking is the first one (this is a carry-over from last year, mainly because I really enjoy the occasional smoke and am really digging my heels in on this one! I don't drink or do drugs or --apparently--have sex, so throw me a bone!) .

I also want to volunteer more, whether it is in a homeless shelter or for a political campaign. Maybe both. I can find the time to do this if I really set my heart to it.

Also, to stop living in fear: fear of getting hurt in love, fear of changing careers, fear of moving to Virginia, fear of credit card bills.....fear of living a celibate lifestyle for another six, no make that seven, months....

Finally, I'd like to host more parties. Just because they are fun and that way I can practice my cooking, which I really enjoy doing. (Obviously, this one will be the easiest!) I'm going to aim for one a month.

Usually, I start off with lots and whittle it down to one final Resolution. I'm going three years now in keeping my resolutions (well, except that smoking one....oops.)!

Um, VB, we have all been really patient throughout this semi-interesting post. Really what we want to know about is this: What happened with FedSexy? Patience, children! I think I will keep you in suspense for a bit....next post, I promise!